I think I have chosen ways to express myself in which just about anyone can at least respect and if it's bothersome just shrug it off and move on but I have a feeling that just a tiny bit that may change.
illustration by fbwallpics.com
You see, I want to write. Huh?! What does she mean by that you may be thinking, she already writes. Yes your right and yes I do but I want to write more deeply dig my heels in and sometimes be raw. I don't want to stop writing about the subjects I already touch but what I do want to do is expand on those topics more. Sometimes I find myself holding back because I start to think "oh I can't say that or I shouldn't touch that" but why not? If I'm about starting a conversation, living stress free, clarity, respect and self love why not talk about things all things that may come to mind?
I've been a talker all my life, I've been a writer all my life too I just never gave myself permission to say that until recently. A writer uses their words for many purposes, it's the one tool that is solely ours. Comes from deep inside of us with a passion like your first real deep lingering kiss. The one that just made your head spin. Or the passion a parent feels for their child, those moments you soak up their very presence and hugging them tight allows you to feel like one. I want to write and touch that part of you.
illustration by pamhogeweide.com
Some days when I have a running thought in my head I pick up a pen and I write. My writing workshop taught me it's called writing a Stream of Consciousness. I thought about my mother the other night and this is what came out...
If I knew...
If I knew that talking with you again would bring a new conversation, I would reach out.
If I knew that offering my help would be accepted and new changes would come about, I would offer.
If I knew that opening up to you being a part of my life would not bring me misery, I'd open that door.
If I knew that dialing your number to check on you would make me smile or bring you joy, I'd call you.
If I knew that letting you know I still care and pray for you and wish we could be closer, I would say something right now.
If I knew that my efforts would be rewarded with a kind word or some gesture of appreciation, I would try again.
If I knew...
So that's just a small taste of what you may now find here. My relationship with my daughter is evolving, it's more of a mutual exchange of lessons than just me doing the teaching. This part of my journey has me really breaking down my own road with my mom and how we got to where we are today which is no connection. The lesson in that is that without communication and a willingness to grow, without respect and forgiveness, without taking responsibility for your choices in life you can push people away. You may carry unnecessary hurt and bitterness but if you decide to open up and grow together extend a hand and lean on one another you can find endless possibilities.
illustration by gallery4share.com
I'm looking forward to great chats that lead to peeling away layers of emptiness. Raw conversations about children now teaching their parents. Touching on topics that sometimes only through being a parent can we have a wider perspective. I'm hoping you continue to join me, I'm hoping you jump in and share your own story with me. I'm hoping something I say starts you thinking and questioning old ways and or thoughts. The reality is...I may Loose you but I'm ok with that Too.
Always stress free xo.