Taking care of our Mental Health

Hey loves happy Sunday!

Something my daughter said a few days ago got me thinking. She said she needed a mental health day and went to visit her girlfriend up in New Paltz .
The use of the words Mental Health touched me because that is so important. So often we get distracted by events and daily life we neglect signs our mind and body are shutting down.

It could be something as simple as forgetting an appointment or as serious as having a panic attack.

Our minds and our bodies are always giving us signs. They are always shouting "hey take care of me." The problem arises when we turn up the noise and continue to ignore. Dealing with these issues is crucial to our mental health and proper function of daily life.

illustration by pinterest.com

As my daughter has gotten older I've noticed that she doesn't do well with juggling school full time as well as a full time job. It wasn't until over a year ago when during final exams and her crazy work schedule that I noticed a change in her behavior and her health began to decline. She was short tempered and always tired and sleepy. She would come home and talk very little before retreating to her room. Being that we have always been heavy talkers I found it very strange but waited till after her exams to have a sit down.

It was in this lengthy conversation that she revealed her issues with Anxiety. She shared how the work load had gotten to her mentally and physically and how she felt like she could barely keep up. She was experiencing rashes/hives and her skin was breaking out. Her eating was poor and depression was setting in. As her mom I was sad to hear all this because as parents we don't want our kids to feel and carry heavy loads but my lesson was I can't do everything for my child.

I shared with my daughter that I felt she needed to find tools to manage these things in her life because sadly as she got older life would only have her juggle more balls up on the air. We discussed simple things like drinking Tea during the day and taking walks on her lunch break. But the biggest revelation and admission to herself was that she could no longer work full time and attend school full time. She didn't want to give up the money but realized that it wasn't worth the damage to her mental health. In the long run having a nice bank account wasn't and isn't worth a mental breakdown and full body exhaustion.

illustration by  madechos.com

Kids believe it or not carry a lot of stress and very often say very little about it. Sometimes as parents we give the wrong cues by the words we tend to use. We may say things that come across like some of these feelings are part of the package but regardless of the responsibilities life throws our way we must stop and take care of our physical and emotional state.

Depression and Anxiety can show themselves in many ways such as the ones I mentioned my daughter displayed but there are many others we can look for too such as...
-sleeping too much
-bing eating
-excessive drinking
-lack of interest in friends
-secrecy increase
-crying out of the blue
-arguments for no reason
-doing poorly in school

This time of year is also a sensitive time for many because Holidays bring up many mixed feelings. Most people assume everyone has a family they share these times with but that is not the case for some and over the years I have learned that more people deal with loneliness during the Holidays than at any other time during the year. While most are planning big dinners or setting up travel plans some are thinking of connections lost or broken.

illustration by quotesgram.com

I'd like to suggest that in addition to watching for signs of Mental Health issues with our children that we keep an open mind about people's experiences during the Holidays. Invite conversations so that feelings can be discussed and solutions can be found. Open your hearts and home to someone who may be in need of some kindness.
Some coping techniques can be...
-going for walks
-volunteering
-journaling
-counseling or therapy
-a spa date
-a movie night
-Mediation
-Yoga or other type of exercise
-reading

What are your thoughts? Have you dealt with Mental Health issues? Have you experienced Depression or Anxiety? Do you feel ashamed to share these feelings? Is it even anything to feel ashamed of? Share your experience with me.

Always stress free xo
Mari

Mom, Am I Ugly?

Hello lovelies, I have a question, how many times today did you look at yourself in the mirror? What did you see? Did it make you happy or sad?

illustration by thedailyquotes.com

I recently glimpsed at an article that stated Kourtney Kardashian was upset at her mother's use of the word fat in front of her daughter. It may not be a big deal to some but if we are mindful of our words then we would see how children mimic us and how negative words can make a huge impact. We can easily dismiss this but we can all look back at a moment when someone said something about our hair, our clothes, our legs, our nose that made us question ourselves if even for a millisecond.

Years ago I ran into an article on Cafe Mom about a four year old who had broken her arm and perhaps someone made a comment and she told her mother that she was ugly because of it. The mom wanted to know how she could convince her daughter she was pretty or beautiful. At such a young age what is a parent to do?

I am not sure how 4 yr. olds form the idea of what is ugly or pretty or fat or skinny. My experience is that some of those views come from examples they have grown up seeing, hearing or living in their own short lives. I believe that at such a young age they connect things from what they observe around them. Even the other day I read a post from a mom whose son called her fat and commented on her belly. I think feeling comfortable in our skin is a lot more than a lesson; it is an environment, a lifestyle, a belief.

illustration by quotesgram.com

When our children are born it is part of our responsibility to show love, kindness and praise.
To show value in what they do, not just in their appearance.We must always be aware we are the first source of ALL information and emotions our little ones see and feel, therefore we should be mindful of the words we use and the value we put on objects such as a dress, a pair of shoes, a hair ribbon, a hat, a doll and so forth that can label things as pretty or ugly, fat or skinny.

Being more aware of the words we use can not only help our children but also help us as well to better engage with others and our society. Sometimes the smallest change or rephrase can make a big difference.
For example:
- Those shoes are too ugly – Those shoes are not the right style for your outfit
- That dress is to tight, makes you look fat  -  Oh sweetie, look at that you growing so fast you outgrew the dress
- Boys don’t wear that – I think that color may not suit you best
- Your too old to wear that style - Maybe we can find you a different style, this one isn't as flattering to your shape.

illustration by searchquotes.com

There are endless examples, hope you get the idea. Moms let’s be kinder to ourselves when we look in the mirror and Dads let’s take it a little easy out there on the playing fields. Our children are always watching us and listening.

What types of tools can we use to raise happy, confident and Label free, children? What are some ways you have had to deal with this issue in your home? Let's start a discussion here.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Raising Honest children

Seems every where we turn now someone is being caught in a lie. Maybe you want to call it half truth or just disclosing what was necessary at the time? Choosing to omit in order to keep the peace? I can go on with all the reasons but in the end it certainly wasn't the truth.
As parents how do we address these issues? How do we start a conversation or address a question bought to us by our child(ren)? For instance, recent events such as Melania Trump taking snippets from Michelle Obama's 2008 speech. It's not an if or maybe it is clear. How do we talk about honesty and lies?

When I first started my blog I wrote on this subject, I am re-posting it again with few updates:

Have you experienced a time when you found out your child has lied to you? Have you noticed a pattern of fibs your son has been telling? Does your daughter try to cover her tracks by lying?

illustration by pinterest.com

What are we to do when we are faced with the possibility that our children are liars, that they do it often and like to do it because it keeps them out of so called trouble or worse yet allows them to manipulate others? Do we yell, punish, scream, resort to use of physical means to stop this behavior? Do we sit, talk and maybe get outside sources to help us?

My perspective is let's try talking first. Yelling and screaming only distracts from the real issues and makes the child loose interest and focus. They will not grasp the information you are trying to get across. The message gets lost in the delivery. Our goal is raising honest children.

-sit him or her down, explain in language suitable for their age what the problem is.
-explain what lying is, maybe they really have no real idea.
-give examples don't just say because it is wrong or I don't like it. An example can be lying about where they were.Let them know it's not that you are tracking them or you don't trust them but instead make it clear it's for safety if something were to happen you want to be able to trace their steps.You want to be able to have peace of mind they are in safe places.

illustration by wisieforkids.com

If your child lies to manipulate one person over the other, share that trust is very valuable. That they will want you to trust them so they can do the things they enjoy like visit with friends, stay out later, start to date, join school teams etc...And when they lie, those privileges must be taken away.

If they are younger you should find cartoons or books that can assist with teaching them what lies are. When they see a character they love explain or behave in ways we are trying to teach it makes things a little clearer. 

You may also try to say things like, what if mommy told you we were going to the park but instead we went  grocery shopping. You wouldn't like that, it is a lie and it would make you feel sad.

Language is important. The goal is to get better results and remove poor habits. And let's not forget to acknowledge when the truth has been told. We encourage by acknowledgment and we encourage even when we don't like what we hear the goal again is the truth. What are your thoughts? Have you dealt with these issues already? What tips or tricks can you share with us?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Personal Inventory

Hey loves what's new and exciting in your world?

Today's share comes from my daughter, with her permission of course. I try to respect her privacy as much as possible so when ever I share something specific in connection with her I always ask first.

The other day I'm home eating dinner alone before I headed out for my walk. Lil mama was in school it was her late night. It was after six when she calls me to chat about her day and I just listened as I ate. It was as usual another enlightening convo hearing my daughters views on the world. Listening to her share her day and classroom experiences. Towards the end of the convo she asks me if I read her email, I said no. I told her "your mama only checks her emails three times a day. After 10am, at 3:30 and between 6/7pm" She responded "ok great I like that, I don't want you consumed with checking in." I said "no, I'm totally not."

She said "ok well I sent you an email today I want you to read. I wanted to share it especially with you." I said "ok when I hang up I will open and read." We said our I love u's and see you laters and hung up. I took a sip of my lemon water and proceeded to open her email this is what I read...

So I was given an assignment at school that said to write a page about how you want people to see you. I decided to share this with you guys because I think an important part of becoming the person you want to be seen as, has alot to do with the people close to you holding you accountable for the things you say. This is kind of like, if I ever stop being the person I talk about in this paper, use this and remind me lol. Also thank you for supporting me, and mami specifically, for being the biggest thing to shape my life. I only had one page so I tried to just focus on myself and your role is 4 pages minimum of writing. My existence and accomplishments will ALWAYS be owed to you firstly and you are ALWAYS my biggest source of inspiration and motivation. Please don't text me an emotional response because I don't want to start crying in class lol. Love you guys

illustration by sourceofincome.com

As I dabbled lightly on my tears I opened the attached doc and this is what I read...

Erica xxxxxx

Prof D

MGT 3120 FTA​​​​​​​​​​9/5/16

Personal Inventory

​I think we cannot speak about the type of person we want others to see us as if we do not consider our parents, and which parts of them we have tried to emulate growing up. I grew up in a family that was not close, with 2 parents who were extremely independent individuals. They never treated me as a child who wasn’t capable of understanding the outside world and all its complications, but rather found ways to explain things within the scope of my lived experience up to that point. More importantly, they fostered my own independence. While this independence truthfully gave way to some issues with authoritative figures, it also helped me have a clear understanding of which rules in life are valid and which are based in fear, ignorance, or control. My parents never placed themselves or any adults around me to be seen as “all-knowing” figures to be blindly respected, and so I have not viewed adults that way and have in many ways forced them to see me as an equal.

As my mother was the more cautious of the two, I strove to be more like my father, thrill seeking and seemingly fearless. Exuding this confident energy and a street smarts that would save you from virtually any circumstances. My parents were unapologetically themselves and rose me to be the same way. I want people to see me as someone genuine, who is secure in my identity and in my individual path. Growing with this independence, as I entered the work force at 16 years old, it was time to apply what I had seen, and to begin shaping what position I wanted to have relative to our economic world. I began working in fashion, and developed a passion for every aspect of the industry. This developed my taste for more expensive things naturally, and a desire for a far more luxurious lifestyle than either of my parents could ever afford me. So once again this became another facet of my independence, pushing to escape the economic status I’d been born into. I want to be seen as someone who works hard and takes great pride in everything they do.

I realized a big part of growing in this industry was investing in yourself. Being so aesthetic based, this became another crucial part of my identity. I want people to see me, aesthetically, as someone who takes risks. I believe the way we present ourselves in any setting allow people to make many judgements of us, and with that being said, the way we dress should be an extension of our personalities. I have worked as a personal stylist for the last 2 years and so much of my work with my clients is psychological; it is about finding pieces that speak to their energy and lifestyle and not about what any magazine says we should wear. I strive for people to see me as someone not afraid to be alone in my opinions. In this industry, there is so much sameness as many brands make the crossover to corporations and I want to enter it as someone who truly believes fashion is art, and deserves to be seen as such, not diluted into varying uniforms. I want people to see me as an artist. Art in all aspects is my passion, and defining myself as an artist, has completely changed the way I view the world. This brings me to my entrepreneurial venture as a designer, building an independent label, and defining myself as an entrepreneur. I believe ultimately being a successful entrepreneur is about forging your own path, your own rules, and proving things can always be done in so many different ways. I want people to see me ultimately as someone who set goals for themselves and was fearless enough to actually accomplish them.

illustration by fearlessmotivation.com

I chose to share this with you so you can get a better picture of the beautiful young woman I am blessed to call, my daughter and to affirm that anything is possible if we build strong respectful connections with our children and always keep communications going. Think we can all benefit from Personal Inventory? Share your thoughts. 

Always stress free xo, 

Mari

Embracing our "Strong Willed" children

Back to school wow can't accept that Summer is officially over. With a new school year just starting I wanted to touch on something that may come up for some of you.
Ever hear a word and to your ears it feels like a dentist's drill or the eerie chalk board noise that made you cringe? Perhaps if you're like me there are several words. Today I want to chat about the words Strong Willed.

I've been coming across lately more and more posts referring to this trait. How to correct it, how to avoid it, how not to encourage it, how plain ole terrible a child with this trait is or can become. Being a personal blogger who touches on my life's journey as a mom and focuses on Empowering Motivating and Inspiring others I dislike these words together because from their definition just about every one of us, my child and myself included have been or are to some degree...Strong Willed.

For years women especially have had to deal with so many labels. Labels that society and men especially have directed at us in moments when they have felt threatened by dare I say us possibly being their equal. So it pains me to see posts by moms who feel they need help in changing their child.

This is my perspective, your child doesn't need to be changed he or she needs to be disciplined, needs set boundaries, needs to learn how to communicate better and needs to learn respect. As a good parent what we all need to do is find a balance that doesn't diminish our child(rens) independence and curiosity and eagerness for exploration. That is what children do. They test the waters, they question, they want to fend for themselves. We the parents set the limits on the length of that cord.

illustration by mactoons.com

If it were up to my daughter she would have never attended "regular" school. I say regular because now more than ever parents have great options on how to best educate their children. We have home schooling and even un-schooling just to give you some examples. I remember all the chatter about home schooling mostly negative but that is what usually happens when people are not educated about something or even willing to do some research. What works for one doesn't work for all I wish people would get that already.

My daughter has always had strong opinions about classroom education. Even as a child she felt she could learn best by engaging in daily life. It never failed to have her teachers make mention of how she always questioned the "norm" and how she was always the only student in class who didn't just "go along". Well hello thank the heavens above that she has her own thoughts and opinions. Thank the heavens above she is not a follower and thank the heavens above that I am so not ripping into you for disrespecting my daughter...I would be thinking to myself. Instead I just would smile and say "yes we taught her to respect others but never be afraid to speak her peace and for that we are very proud of her". That would shut them down quickly.

My lil mama was and still is a wonderful student, she enjoys learning but she doesn't want to be feed one sided views she wants to explore the whole picture and for that some may say she is Strong Willed I say she is wise and has a healthy approach to life. I wouldn't want to kill the curiosity in her. I wouldn't want to dim her light. Life already does a great job of that on its own. As her mom I continue 21years later to emphasize the importance of respecting others but also to require others to respect her.

illustration by pinterest

If you are a parent of a child who embraces life without a sense of limits be proud and cultivate that spirit. Provide the tools that will help them safely navigate through life. If you have a child who exhibits these same traits but doesn't grasp a sense of balance than perhaps set some ground rules. Teach that certain behaviors have consequences and that we can still be free thinkers without being hurtful or disrespectful to others.

Cheers to being Strong Willed!!!

What are your thoughts? Share your experience and/or tips.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Parents don't have all the Answers

Happy Wednesday! A lovely evening of Pretty Little Liars watching with my Lil mama bought upon some great conversation and as I fell asleep last night this is what I thought of again. So I wanted to talk about it with you.

Here's is a BIG question...

Should I admit I don’ have all the answers? I don’t really know everything after all?
Would it be so terrible of me to actually “be human”?

illustration by opencolleges.edu.au

My perspective is that once we can freely admit that just because we are parents we don't have special powers that allow us to know everything we are better able to communicate with our kids and find out the answers, Together.

My twenty one years of non stop talks have bought about many learning lessons indeed. I wasn't afraid to admit I didn't know everything and I wasn't afraid to ask for help or look things up. Topics ranging from drugs to body development to self esteem and sexuality we have touched it all. We survived because we did the following:

-we made time to talk daily
-we showed each other respect
-we didn't turn our talks in lessons
-we used age appropriate language

illustration by thecrazylady.wordpress.com

Communication is key, our kids need to feel and know that regardless of how uncomfortable something may be they can come to us and talk things through and if we can't help we will help them in getting the right answers...together. Today there are so many pressures and so much available information, as parents it is our responsibility to make sure our kids are getting the right information.

Parenting is a journey, there is no right or wrong answer all the time. Parents don't have all the answers and that is totally ok. Next time your kid comes up to you and asks you a question take the opportunity to talk about how you felt at that age when you too had questions and didn't know who to turn to for the answers. Never forget you were that same age once.

What do you think? Is this something we should admit and start a conversation with our kids about? Is admitting we don't know it all a bad thing?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Establishing Rules for our Children

Hey everyone! Can you believe we are midway through July? Summer gives way to parents loosening up on some of there daily routines I thought I'd revisit one of my favorite topics, House Rules.

Rules should...

• be tested, broken and amended accordingly. 
• nothing should be followed blindly or set in stone.

This is part of our kids journeys as they grow up but parents, let’s make things easier on ourselves. We need to learn to establish and stick to the rules we set and amend them when needed and as our children get older.

illustration by pinterest.com

These were some of my house rules:

• Homework is always first, then playtime.
• Must have breakfast every morning
• Bedtime was 8 pm, after 6th grade it increased by an hour.
• Sleepovers were only allowed if I knew the parent and had visited their home at some point, even if to drop off for a play date. This was amended as my daughter became a teen.
• No last minute request to stay over at friends house or to go visit a friends house, period. Always required ample time to gather all information.
• No friends in the room with door closed. This rule was amended after 6th grade.

Lil mama and I speak on this often and she comments about how necessary rules are even when our kids rebel. She states how grateful she was for having them because they kept her focused and out of trouble.

Do you feel that the same rules apply across the board at all ages and for all things? Are there rules with no exceptions?

illustration by indietabletop.net

My perspective is we must embrace flexibility, allow our children the right to question our rules and express their feelings on them. Nothing is set in stone and each child is different so for the best outcomes we should be willing to compromise.

Are there rules with no exceptions? What are some of your rules? Do you recall the rules your parents had for you and how are they different or the same for your child(ren)?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day

illustration by cliparthut.com

I had a totally different idea of what this day would mean to me this year. I actually had grand plans dancing in my head as I thought of what I would want this day to be like for me but as we all know Life sometimes has other ideas for us. So what did my Mother's day / weekend look like 2016?

I had a great Friday evening with my Grandma even though she has no clue of days I had a nice visit we had some laughs and I got home without feeling drained. Saturday I woke up early had an awesome Yoga class and Meditation that set the tone for a surprise trip to Philly to a Chinese Lantern show which was amazing! Took great pics here are a few...

This trip taught me the following lessons:

-be open to change

-stay calm

-hardheaded people don't work well together

-its easy to say you want to be one way but unless you make the efforts its just empty words

-mothers are always mothering Some One

-keep your eyes open, there is Beauty every where

-don't forget to Breathe

-say thank you in the beginning because you never know how it will end

-letting others lead is harder than I thought especially if you are the one who is always the Leader

-thank the Heavens I practice Yoga and Meditation

illustration by thinknice.com

Saturday's trip was so filled with activities and a variety of emotions that I was totally drained come Sunday morning. I got up early took some deep breaths while still laying in bed rec'd my first call of the day from my BFF in Florida we chatted for a few then hung up. I said a peaceful mantra and called my mother to no surprise I got her voice mail so left a simple message and let it go. When I hung up I decided all I wanted to do was stay home and be quiet. I was treated to a delish breakfast then I got up opened my windows, watered my plants and cleaned my apartment. The smell of lavender always makes me happy. Because of homework responsibilities we also had to make some adjustments so late afternoon Lil mama and I went for Mother/Daughter mani/pedi date and came back home. We made a quick meal and she hit the books. I spent several hours sitting with my daughter as she did her homework on the computer. Her assignments are online and this class has been giving her some difficulty because of time it takes to complete the assignments in addition to her other classes and her work schedule.

illustration by pinterest.com

As she sat there in tears for a second week in a row and attempted to complete 100 questions by midnight in which she explained each question has over 5 parts and take about 20/30 minutes each I just sat there and listened as she shared her school experience in comparison to students who only go to school and don't have a need to work. I sat there and offered what little words of encouragement I could, I got up and made her some Yogi Stress reliever tea, I sat back down again and listened some more. I asked how is it that we have gotten to online classes where teachers aren't even assisting their students? Where is my money going? Who is it helping? How come more parents aren't aware of this situation? Her answer?...most parents have no idea what there college kid is going through when they are in their room alone doing homework with the door closed.

Most parents remember their college experience and think that their child is having the same but they are not. Most parents aren't sitting down with their kid talking to them like you are. None of my friends parents are sitting with them right now like you are with me.

That was heart breaking it is heart breaking. To see my daughter crying over a homework assignment, to see her struggle with a class not because she isn't grasping the material but because of her work load and Life responsibilities is something no parent wants to experience. To be helpless and all I can do is listen and pass her tissues. Midnight came and she still didn't finish her assignment.

We got up from the dinning table, I helped her clean up, gave her plenty of hugs and kisses some more tea and said we will figure something else out for next week. We said our good nights and we each went to our bedrooms.

illustration by pinterest.com

Alone in my room I thought to myself "carrying for someone really doesn't take much but being Present. This day didn't turn out as I expected and it continues to be a sad disappointment that my mother is not Present but I sure am grateful for being able to be Present for my daughter. Happy Mother's Day"

Always stress free xo

Mari 

Lessons learned from the movie Inside Out

We seem to think that if we fix the outside things will get better.
We change our hair styles, our clothes, the cars we drive, the places we live, our place of employment.
We date a variety of people, socialize in different circles, join different activities all trying to escape something that pained us.

All along the pain never goes away entirely because it is In us.

I watched the movie Inside Out several months back and I loved it. I want everyone to see it. Young and Old. I truly believe that it holds the potential to save a lot of people a lot of agony and wasted time.

illustration by ranker.com

As I watched the movie I found myself recalling times in my youth when I had moved and felt the same way. I think I've moved over 13 times thus far and I am sure I have at least 2 more in me before my journey is over. For me it wasn't so much the moving part, that was always exciting it was the making new friends and leaving old friends behind. It was the "new" kid label I always hated. 

illustration by disneysisters.com

Joy-the more we practice seeing the good in things the less we will suffer. The longer we whine and pity ourselves the harder it will be to pick ourselves up. There is always a solution. Life is beautiful, just look outside your door or give your child a hug! As I've gotten older the smallest things bring me Joy and I love it.

illustration by disneysisters.com

Sadness-no one likes to be sad or experience sadness but it helps teach us to have gratitude for the good times and have balance in our lives. Allowing yourself to work through your sadness gives you clarity and energy to refocus. One thing I realized as I watched her was that I have always been ok with sadness its Anger that has worn me out.

illustration by disneysisters.com

Anger-it will eat away at any hope you cling to. It will allow doubt and confusion to set in and take the place of letting go. I have learned that we must not fight Anger but instead question it and break it down. We must be still with it and say "ok I know you are here but you won't be for long". We must learn to say Good Bye quickly. Learning to take deep breaths helps, trust me!

illustration by disneysisters.com

Fear-this little bugger! Yes you help keep us safe by setting our caution sensors on full blast but you also hold us back from possibly becoming more of our awesome selves. I have a love / hate relationship with you. You have saved my butt on many occasions but you also continue to hold my wings too tight...time to let them go. I now know that you are not rational so I have to take the reigns and be pro-active. I have to make lists and visualize. You are another visitor we can't let hang around too long.

illustration by disneysisters.com

Disgust-I happen to actually like this one! I don't like messes of any kind both literally and figuratively. I run away quickly from chaos so feeling disgusted by a thing or a person has come in very helpful in my life. I think Disgust to some may come across as a sense of Better than but if you feel that its on You, I don't control your emotions. Disgust keeps us on our toes and helps us question our choices. Its a checks and balance system that can help us avoid people and things that kill our Spirit. Do you keep smelly garbage in your bedroom? I sure hope not and why is that? I would hope its because you have pride in yourself and in your space and only want to be surrounded by Greatness!

So these are my thoughts on this sweet Disney movie. Great conversation starter with our kids. Helpful tool on discussing our feelings especially at a time when so many of our kids are going through so many changes. Communication is the key!!!

What do you think? Do you have a balanced grip on your emotions? Have you taught your child(ren) that its ok to feel all types of emotions but its how we handle ourselves through them that really counts? Share what emotion you struggle with the most? The least and which is your favorite?

Always stress free xo

Mari

Let's talk Drugs and our Children

When we hold in our negative emotions they manifest in ways that hurt both our minds and our bodies. Choose your intentions by the outcome you wish to achieve.

My daughter is the best teacher I have ever had, she ranks above most of my actual teachers in my academic life. She has been teaching me things since she was about three years old. From how to not like messes but accept that they happen anyway, to dealing with shopping for sneakers instead of cute shoes, from talking about Yu Gi Oh to why we should question 911, from Lil Wayne's lyrics to Ernest Hemingway's books, from global warming to Prada's latest clothing line. Our lessons are endless.

One thing that has been a running topic over the past several years is the legalization of Marijuana use. Like her mother when something interests her the research is extensive and thorough. My daughter doesn't come to the table unprepared.

Upon entering H.S. the many topics as parents I hope we touch aside from academics is social activities and expectations. The different challenges and obstacles they will face and how best to approach them when they arise. One of those subjects will be drug use. I don't care what neighborhood you live in, rich or poor, what race or income drugs are present and our kids have access to them. It is pure neglect and stupidity to think "your" child won't be touched by this.

illustration by funerallocation.com

So of course as her parents, both her father and I gave her the "speech" the pros and cons and shared our experiences. We didn't try to make lite of the matter but we didn't drill fear in her either. During her last years in H.S. I noticed that our conversations were touching more and more about parties and the things that were going on inside them. Drinking, smoking and sex where part of the scene though I am sure it had been for some earlier than that but it was for her the comfortable time to chat about it more often and with a larger vocabulary and points.

Long story short my position then was be careful what you partake in because you alone will pay the consequences. Respect yourself and your body and don't do anything you will be ashamed of later and have fun and explore within in reason and safety. Live your life. So with that smoking weed entered our lives.
I am not against or for , I am no rep for what should be going on in anyone's home but I am for communication and picking your battles.

Use to be that when you thought of drugs you lumped Marijuana in like an enemy. I know that it wasn't until my daughter educated me and I further educated myself about its origins and vast uses that I was more aware and could further parent best with more knowledge and information. I've commented in the past how to most drinking in college is a right of passage and no one thinks anything of it but more kids die from alcohol abuse than marijuana use. Again I am not advocating I am stating facts.

I don't like the smell, I could care less about its calming affects I just don't have any interest. But I am a parent I am her mom and I will be open to discussions because I want to be respectful of her life choices and I want to understand her views. I don't want to be negative and pick a battle on something that is not worth the while.
I have stated my views and she has stated hers. We have put rules into place where our boundaries aren't crossed and we continue to talk openly and honestly about our choices. She's a full time student and holds a full time job and has a wonderful grade point average so her current choices aren't affecting her long term goals.

illustration by boolino.com

My intention is peace and respect. My intention is to continue to nurture our twenty plus years of connection and communication. My intention is not to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
I am the mother of an almost twenty one year old who is in her third year of college. We didn't get here by fighting over silly things in elementary school like what shoes to wear or hairstyle to use or in high school whether or not to use makeup or go to a movie with her friends. We got here by talking. By respectful communication. By listening even when we didn't want to hear the words that were being said.

So, you find yourself at a cross road with your child(ren) about life choices what should you do? My perspective?

-pick your battles
-start great communication skills when they are young
-be informed
-run your own house
-find a compromise

Only you know your child best and only you know what works in your home. Make those choices with that information first, not by what you see others do. There is no one template for good parenting but there is one no fail general rule...Communication.

What do you think? Are there subject matters that you are sure won't be affecting you? How do you think it is best to deal with subject matters you and your children don't agree with? Share your experiences here.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Goodnight my Sunshine

Good Morning! Being that Thanksgiving is right around the corner I find myself in deep thought. I am having a mommy moment. This is a share of an internal thought and conversation I had in my head the other night while I was on my walk in the park...

Hey Lil Mama it's not often I put much thought into the day you will be on your own. I pretty much decided when you entered college just to enjoy each moment and each day with you as it came with no rush. To be in the moment as best I could and soak all of you in. I can't say how grateful I am thus far to have taken that approach because time is moving so quickly.

I can't believe how much you have grown and it amazes me how focused and sure you are of yourself and your life's journey at age twenty. Some would credit your father and I and we gladly would smile and say thank you but I truly believe it is a combination of so many pieces falling into place with effort, focus, time, respect and communication.

illustration by fineartamerica.com

Sometimes I look around our home and stop at each and every picture of you and smile, you are my Sunshine.
Sometimes I go to your room and sit in your bed and smile, you are my Sunshine.
Sometimes I pick up the mess you leave behind when you rush off to work, you are my Sunshine.

I decided to take some notes on what I will and will not miss when you move out and here it is:
I will not miss...
-throwing out your garbage
-picking up the crumbs you drop on the floor
-wiping the stove down after you've used it
-hearing how the strawberries I bought are juiced up because they are huge and out of season
-how I bought you the wrong snacks
-having to replace whatever it was you forgot to tell me has finished
-worrying that you set your alarm
-reminding you to set out your laundry
-wondering if you took your umbrella
-worrying that you might injure yourself because you are always moving so fast like the Tasmanian devil
-wondering if you will take the time to organize your room
-hearing you drop things in your closet as you get ready to head out
-leaving the hallway light on when you are out late and I am heading off to bed
-texting you my whereabouts after 6pm which is the set grace period you have given me to check in after work for as long as I can remember
-doing a verbal check off list when you are packing to go away some where
-doing a verbal check off list any time you are going any where wallet check, hair clip check, gloves check, keys check

illustration by queeky.com

I will miss...
-all those things and more but what I will miss the most is our bedtime routine
For as long as you have been my child I have always tucked you into bed in one way or another. Your early years was one routine, teen years another and now another but always some sort of bonding time. I will miss those hugs and kisses for sure.

I hope that your memories of your childhood include our bedtime song...

You are my Sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my Erica Sunshine away (kiss kiss kiss)
Please don't take my Erica Sunshine away (kiss kiss kiss)
Please don't take my(insert silly adjectives) Erica Sunshine aaaaaaaaaa waaaayyyyyyyyyyy (kisses and hugs)
Goodnight my Sunshine

illustration by youtube.com

Ah the journey of parenthood. Have you had these moments? Thoughts of life once your child hits a certain age? How did you deal with it or how are you dealing with it? Share your thoughts I'd love to hear.

Always stress free xo
Mari

Never to Early to start Saving

illustration by blog.credit.com

Happy Sunday, hope everyone is doing well. It's a beautiful sunny day today in NYC so I hope to take my camera out on a date later. As I enjoy my breakfast and clean out my inbox I came across my daughter's reminder that Tuition is due soon and that got me thinking...
My inbox is full of crap literally. I just finished deleting about 15 emails dealing with what I must have this coming Christmas or the top ten gift ideas blah blah. Sometimes I just hate the awareness I now have about living in such a society of Consumption. Oh no stop here you need this or don't worry by it now you can pay later.

I remember always feeling these pressures in my younger years and once I had my daughter the additional pressure of certain holidays and what the outside world was telling me I was suppose to be doing or wanting.

I am hear to tell you parents of small little kiddies...DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!

illustration by wahm.com

Save your money as our little ones get older things only become more expensive and College Tuition is no joke. I won't say I didn't do something to get off on the right foot but I definitely didn't do enough. I am grateful that my lil mama's school isn't over the top expensive but it is still a dent on my weekly paycheck and that is just tuition I am not even touching on her text books. What about those kids that go away and now you have to add dorm life and food!!!

So I am here to make a few suggestions and share a few tips to get you looking at a smoother ride.

-start a college fund the minute you know you are expecting even if $25.00 a week
-reduce the holiday gifts and instead stick to a reasonable number and put rest away
-if your child is gifted money divide it in half this way they enjoy some and you save the rest
-teach them work ethic and encourage summer jobs again encouraging them to say a portion of what they make this way they too have an investment in their future
-once they enter H.S. begin to research scholarship options and look into all the programs you may qualify for

illustration by listenmoneymatters.com

-be aware that unfortunately even if you are living paycheck to paycheck after a certain annual salary number you will not be able to be considered for certain scholarships or assistance
This happened to us and no matter my daughter's grades or class ranking or fact she was a female and a minority none of that mattered she didn't qualify for anything in their eyes I made too much money.
-be realistic don't pressure yourself or your kid(s) to only consider a certain school keep all options open be aware a name doesn't always mean better education it could well just be a networking situation
-start conversations early about ways to save for College, let your kids know what you truly can and can't afford
-Don't borrow unnecessarily. Let loans and grants be your last resort

Two income households may have a little cushion but even still with today's economy that is not even true anymore and those with one income such as myself I won't even go into how close we cut it week to week. So again start early!

We want to enjoy our lives we want to experience new adventures and we want to look forward to our children growing up and moving out so we can move on to our next chapter of our own journeys but it won't be any fun or stress free if we are worried about finances.
Again remember...
-be realistic
-communicate well
-look into all your options
-AND start early

illustration by forbes.com

I am sharing some links I myself looked into when I started my own journey I am 3 years in almost done it isn't and hasn't been easy but I am blessed to be able to help my lil mama and lil mama helps me.

gma.yahoo.com

savingforcollege.com

cnbc.com

What do you think? Any other tips you can share? What about your own journey? Did you just start or perhaps even finished? I would like to hear how you have dealt or deal with it.

Always stress free xo

Mari

You're Rubbing Off on me and not in a Good way

Happy Veteran's Day to all our service men and women. I thought I would be off today and get a chance to work on some things at home but no instead I am here at my office listening to the radio and thinking... I just had someone leave my office that reminded me of recent events.

My mother was right about a few things she shared as a kid with me but one thing for certain I hold dear till this day...Dime con quien andes te dire quien eres. Loose translation is Show me who you hang with and I'll tell you who you are.

She would always say that when I would naively call everyone my friend. She would very sternly say no, that is not the correct way to express yourself...not everyone is your friend. She had this great way of reading people I hated it but most times she was correct. Years later when I too became a mother I inherited her gift.I have made some adjustments in my "gift" but for the most part people show you who they are from the get and we should never forget that. I have also realized that my "gift" isn't really a gift at all it is just part of the tools a great parent acquires.

illustration by clipfed.com

But it isn't just something that should be geared towards our children, it is something we as adults should be mindful as well.

Case in point, what I recently noticed about myself.

For several years now I have implemented more useful ways to deal with conflict. I am careful with my choice of words, I try to breathe and I if possible try to leave things alone and return to it a short time later. I credit my Meditation practice for that along with some really hard life lessons that caused me more tears than I'd like to recall. I have recently found myself surrounded by people who are time and time again testing my tools and sadly on a few occasions I failed.

I participate in several volunteer projects and other activities that allow me to interact with all types of people and for the most part I love it and encourage everyone to volunteer their time helping others. One of these projects has me surrounded by a group let's call them boisterous. This group varies in age and experience so the conversations are all over the place. I noticed that a few in the group when feeling attacked or questioned instead of being respectful or taking a breath instead latch out become very confrontational, defensive and loud. On my first exchange I did pretty good, I said ok lets calm things down, regroup and come back. On my second exchange I commented that it wasn't cool to behave this way because no one was being heard or respected and in turn nothing was going to get resolved. But on my third exchange I totally lost it! I found myself being just as loud and not using very nice words or ton. I was burning up inside and felt like a caged bird. When it was all said and done I heard nothing they had said and they heard nothing I had said. I walked away saying this is defiantly something I do not want to participate in again. My energy was depleted, I was exhausted and sadden. It reminded me of why I had changed my ways to begin with.

illustration by cliparthut.com

Poor behavior and hostility gets you no where. Chaos and drama only brings about more chaos and nothing productive comes out of that. So if you find yourself in this space as I did or if you see your kids start to behave in this manner I have some suggestions:

-talk your feelings out, don't keep them bottled in so you feel like your about to explode
-practice what you preach, if you tell your kids to relax and take a deep breath guess what you do the same
-listen, no one wants to feel ignored so take a few minutes to listen so that no one feels discarded or disrespected
-share an experience where you too behaved poorly but realized it was not the correct approach and corrected your ways
-remove yourself, if the group or the person you are with constantly brings out "the ugly" side of you reevaluate that connection, if possible discuss and if no solution found walk away

illustration by dreamstime.com

I decided to bring the subject matter up at a calmer time and we all agreed to try another way of communication. I will give it some time and see how it goes but if it doesn't change I will remove myself and invest my time and energy elsewhere.

What do you think, do you feel poor behavior is easier or harder to pick up? Do you agree or disagree with my mom? Have you noticed how some of your friends behaviors have rubbed off on you, how about your kids? Please share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Warning: Touch my Child & we Will have a Problem

Happy Hump day to all my dolls, hope everyone is doing great and getting the little ones ready for Halloween. I had intended to share a whole different post today with a whole different vibe but watching the news last night and this morning pushed me in this direction instead.

nydailynews Teacher duct tapes kids mouth
nbcnews Cop slams student on the floor

Teacher uses belt to whip the kids

abc7ny.com Teacher hits students with ruler

I am sure by now you have heard and or seen the video of a Police Officer dragging a young lady in a classroom and formed your own opinion. I am not going to pick apart the three sides to every story what I am going to do is speak as a mother who has seen just one too many of these cases.

I always taught my daughter to respect those that respect her. I never put an age limit to respect, never. I respected her at age three as I did age twelve as I do today. I always taught her that it was ok to question authority and that if any problems speak with respect, stand her ground and call me. I taught my daughter that no adult or teacher or anyone period had the right to abuse her in any shape or form and if she felt threatened to defend herself first and ask questions later, we had her back.

illustration by twominuteparenting.com

I am not saying that I taught my daughter to go to school and disrespect her teachers. I am also not saying that I taught my daughter to disrespect her elders but questioning your elders or disagreeing with them is not disrespect, especially if your communication is respectful.
With that being said...I don't care what the circumstances are no adult especially a non parent has the right to ever lift a finger to a child.

You are an adult, you should know better you should be trained better too if you are in an environment with children. If I treated my own child that way I would be put in jail for abuse. Adults in authority need to learn better methods to deal with disruptive behavior. A child talking back to you or disrupting the class with chatter does not warrant physical confrontation. I don't hold a license or certificate that says Mari is a teacher Mari is a law enforcer but I am a mother and if you touch my child we are going to have a problem. The fact that I am a mother trumps all those licenses and certificates period end of story.

This morning I saw the story about a teacher who duct taped a student (I shared the link above) and this is what I said to my daughter. First I couldn't understand how he got his hand on the child because my child would have run away and gotten help.
 -I taught my daughter never to just sit and wait to see what happens, if someone is coming towards you move away and prepare for action
No one should be a sitting duck, prepare your children to defend themselves. This is not to say everything is physical but at least teach them to be aware. Prepare them to remove themselves from harms way and contact you immediately. Again teach them its ok to question authority, it is never ok for anyone to touch them.

illustration by pinterest

As a parent today my perspective in many things have changed, gone are the days we sent our kids to school and the teacher took over, looking for our children's best interest. So many rules and regulations have changed, so many stresses that weren't there before. I commend those authority figures who are doing their jobs, who are working in the kids best interest, who use better methods to discipline but for those who don't fall in that line this is what I have to say to you...

I don't send my child to school for you to disrespect or abuse them. 

I don't send my child to school for you to yell, scream or demean them. 

I don't send my child to school so you can bully them. If you are stressed...stay home 

If you have a problem...get help

 I don't condone my child not following the rules and I will work with you to get order back in your classroom but don't touch my child

 I don't condone back talk and I will put a stop to that

 but don't touch my child 

I will be respectful if you had to remove my child from your class 

but don't touch my child

 I taught my child not to allow anyone to touch her 

and if they do she has the right to defend herself 

so don't touch my child 

because if you do...we Will have a problem.

This latest incident is disturbing in and of itself but the added fact that it was a Police Officer towering over a seated child touches again on poor police policies and training. Are we suppose to teach our children to fear the very same people that are suppose to protect them? How would this have played out if the roles were reversed? I don't even want to get into the race card that is a whole other post. But we saw the Police Officer and young lady in the bathing suit this summer now this...what next?

illustration by positivediscipline.com

-talk with you children

-teach them it is not ok for a teacher to touch them

-teach them police are not suppose to hurt them

-let them know you support them if they walk away from a teacher to get help

-talk with them about ways to handle not agreeing with their elders

-encourage them to share with you if they have been bullied by an adult

What do you think? Are there exceptions to an adult touching your child? Do you think any of these children in these events regardless of reason, deserved to be mistreated? Have you ever spoken to your children about questioning authority or do you think adults should never be questioned by children? Let's talk share start a conversation

Always stress free xo

Mari

Do all parents have Moments of Regret?

As my daughter prepares to go to work today I find myself in a moment of reflection. I'm sitting here in my room writing, editing etc...she's moving about and we are yapping away.
I guess it would serve everyone well if they would sit and reflect more often on their lives choices and begin to act less hastily.

Moments of regret. What do you regret the most in your life, up until this point?
Wow loaded question but for some reason as I watch her getting dressed and we are chatting away, that was the question that came to mind. I see my little girl all grown up and I wonder if at some point some how I have failed her?

I can say that I have a few regrets in my life's journey. Things I could have done differently that would have altered certain results. But then I stop and rethink that because I feel any tweaking of the choices I've made in the past might have affected my approach to parenting and this is one place I feel very little if any regrets.

illustration by leo0816.blogspot

The very fact that my little mama is yapping away on the subject matter that is the topic at the moment says I did pretty good. Here she is running around talking with me about Fashion week in NYC, the shows and latest trends and the business side of all the choices made in the presentations, how she's going to revamp my closet with some great new Fall pieces. Seriously, I couldn't care less about Fashion week and she knows it yet we have built such a respectful, loving connection that she knows I am listening and supportive of her shares. I didn't have to barge into her room, into her space she actually came and barged in on me lol.

Moments of regret as a parent...lets see
-I didn't let her climb into bed with me when she was little and afraid of the dark....nah instead I walked her back to her room, turned on a night light and taught her how to sooth herself.
-I didn't let her have a My Space page when all her friends had one...nah instead I invested time showing other ways to socialize
-I didn't reward her good grades with money...nah instead I taught her that earning those good grades was the reward.
-I didn't take her to a Disney movie premier after she behaved poorly even though I had already gotten us the tickets...nah I suffered the loss and she learned that actions have consequences.
- I didn't pull her teeth out as a youngster...nah her doing it herself taught her pride and that her mother is very squeamish.
-I didn't help her much with home...nah I instead just sat near by and did my own things as I supported from a distance and suggested other ways she could build better study habits.
-I didn't get upset and berate the system when she didn't get into the first college of her choice...nah I instead gave her a big hug, said better things were ahead told her these were all part of life's lessons we don't always get what we want (she ended up going to her current school where she now says was the best thing to happen to her).

illustration by happyviews.com

You see? I wasn't and I am not here to make her life's ride easy. I am here to help her learn the tools to allow her to make her own ride easy. We can't always pick them up when they fall. We can't always make things better, we can't always make every right choice. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes we drop the ball but as long as what we are doing is our best how can you have a regret?
Things in life beat all of us up rich or poor, male or female so why invest our energy on long periods of self abuse? Why not instead use it to further teach our children that we all have things to deal with, even their own mom and dad?

-a billion hugs and kisses
-a trillion I love yous
-countless bedtime stories
-amazing just mommy and me dates
-loads of laughter while watching movies together
-infinite memories of joy, security and love

That is Parenting with No Regrets.

illustraion by pinterest.com

What do you think? Have you ever graded your parenting journey thus far? Are you days filled with more "I wish I had" thoughts than "I am glad I did"? Share your views and moments of achievements or regret.

Always stress free xo

Mari