Play with your last Idea

So I was thinking, what if I could just do whatever I wanted TODAY?

This is what my day would look like...

illustration by karipost

illustration by mambolook

illustration by allfreedownload

illustration by pinterest.com

illustration by yogablisshub.com

What is your perfect day look like? 

Always stress free xo,

Mari

A Thanksgiving of Reflection

Hey! I didn't want this day to go by without me connecting with you and sharing some thoughts. I just walked in from grandma duties and last minute grocery shopping for the "big food day" tomorrow. Traffic was crazy and the stores were a mess but its the same every year nothing really changes or does it?

Grandmas doing well, right now all the stars have aligned and my routine has no hiccups. Our talk today was sweet which has become more of the norm. For those new to my blog I care for my 93 year old grandmother how has Alzheimers. As she held my hand and we sat and talked she asked me several times how many children did I have. Each and every time I said one and she laughed. She said "You have only one child why, what happened?" I said that nothing happened but life. That I worked and as time passed my family just didn't grow. She laughed at my answer and shook her head and told the home attendant that was crazy. Her disease allows these moments to pass by so quickly which allows me not sit in the moment like if it was a regular conversation with a regular person.

As she looked at a picture of her mother who passed away when she was perhaps in her mid thirties to early forties she sigh and let a dry cry out. Those where you make the sound but no visible tears are in your eyes she asked me "Did you ever meet my mother, she is dead now, I miss her so much." I responded with "No I never met her but yes I know she is gone now." She then held my hand tighter and asked "How about your mother, is she dead or is she alive?" My mother is her daughter but she doesn't remember that and yes she is still alive but we don't speak.

things I keep on my fridge to maintain my focus

I don't share the details but I tell her that yes my mother is alive. She seems to brighten up and says "How lucky are you to have her alive, I hope you two are close and you take care of each other." I drop my head and take a deep breath. I hold her hand and say "I take care of you and that is whats important." I may be "lucky" that my mother is alive but we aren't close and we don't take care of each other. My mother has Emphysema and the last time I saw her was perhaps three years ago when I went to visit her in the hospital.

Something happened to my mom after her marriage to my two younger sister's father ended after seventeen years together. I guess her broken heart never fully healed and life just became something you go through not something you take part in. The mom I knew and loved slowly faded away. Little by little the talks and visits became less and the arguments and disagreements became more. That trickled onto my relationships with my sisters as well. Tell one argument became so ugly we didn't speak for about four years. Then one day I reached out to my sisters and we got together for dinner but that was a roller coaster ride of the same issues and emotions.

I tried to connect as best I could but I had to walk away again and that lasted for some time until I tried again and that trickled into my second relationship and didn't end well and I had to walk away again. Then my sisters called to say my mother was in the hospital. I remember the conversation as if it were yesterday. I'm in my office and my boss says I have a call from my sister Christina, I said that can't be and he said but it is. I answer the phone and she says "Hello Mari, sorry to bother you but I thought you should know that mom is in the hospital. She isn't doing so great. I wasn't going to call you but thought out of respect that you are her oldest daughter you should know. She is in blah blah hospital if you want to come see her."

illustration by pinterest

Ok now what caught your attention most from that convo? Was it the "sorry to bother you or the thought you should know or the I wasn't going to call you but...?" For me it was all the above and beyond. I just sat in my chair looking around my office in disbelief. As instincts dictate I grab the info and go to my boss and let him know the situation and proceed to leave to go see my mother. On the drive there I'm talking to myself saying how I can't believe these are the circumstances that are leading me to see them again. I get to the hospital and get a semi loving welcome and a "sorry to put you out of your way" comment again.

I visited my mother every day she was in there and my daughter too. It was heartbreaking to see my child sit through all the uncomfortableness that was clearly surrounding us. Yes the conversations were pleasant but we were treated more like strangers than family. As her eldest daughter that should not be what I was feeling. I remained in contact for about two weeks after she left to hospital. I tried all I could to help and when nothing seemed to work I wrote my sisters an email that as of right now still hasn't been answered. A week after I sent the email, I walked away. Here we are three years later.

I share this today in reflection of what Thanksgiving is suppose to mean and what it really means to me. I am not preparing my guest room for family and I am not on a flight to any specific destination. I am home preparing to share a special meal with my daughter and our friend. I am at my destination I am with my family. I am exactly where I need to be and where saving myself has bought me. You see loving people especially your family sometimes just isn't enough. And when it isn't enough and you have exhausted every means you have to save yourself.

illustration by pinterest

A Thanksgiving of Reflection of being grateful for how far I have come and how much I have healed. Of how I have channeled that love that isn't reciprocated into giving my time and attention to my volunteer projects. On not focusing on what isn't and my never be but instead continuing to send them love and investing my energy on who and what is in front of me and build on that. Not bitterness but love that drives me not hate but empathy and compassion is what I strive for.

As you sit with those you love and share a meal remember to express your gratitude loudly! Don't think that they know you love them, tell them. If you feel you need to try again and make amends do it! Thanksgiving is not just about the food and lavish settings and rushing to go shopping. Thanksgiving is truly about those who have added to your life and blessed you with love.

I am grateful for you all that come visit with me and read what I have to say. I am grateful for the opportunity to connect with if not just one of you that may be feeling unheard or like you are the only one who is going through or has gone through whatever it is that I have shared. I am grateful for the love of my beautiful daughter, my sunshine my everything. She is the reason I do all I do. I am grateful for the authentic friendships I have built and continue to build. I am grateful for just life. Everyday is beautiful, every day we have a choice. Choose to live your best life. And to my mother, thank you for giving me Life.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

Always stress free xo,
Mari

The Importance of Honesty in any Relationship

Hey loves sorry my visit is a bit late today but had long day and just sat down to gather my thoughts. The circus is over it's been a week, reality is settling in but I keep thinking about deflection. I keep thinking what is the Importance of Honesty in any relationship?

Questions get asked we get lots and lots of words tons of accusations but no clear answers. Most of the time I find myself feeling like I've just gotten off a hamster wheel, "what was the question again?  I forgot oh yeah but what was the answer?"
Intelligence would dictate that we are being taken for fools but ego keeps us stuck and like puppets we continue to just go along.

Same goes for most relationships where things are clear from the start but we chose to see otherwise.

If we handled our relationships the same way we handle let's say, the details of buying a new car or planning our life long dream vacation we would be experts at cutting out what is not necessary. We would pay more attention to the details, we would be more in tuned with our hearts desire. But instead our eyes get clouded by the package. The wrapping is nice, the box is huge clearly what's inside must be awesome! Everything is shiny it's what everyone is scrambling for and you have it. Why would anyone see a problem?

Ok then so let's start paying attention to the details. How many deep conversations have you had? What has been revealed since your first hello? Did anything turn you off immediately, did you have a follow up question when it happened? Do the conversations flow or are there constant stop signs? Are you tense or are you loving? Do you feel empathy, are you really listening? When you walked away what did you remember?

So many questions I know. We, especially women have been told for so long "don't ask so many questions" but why not? I'm not talking about conducting an interview but to some degree we are. How will I know what I like or don't like? How will I make decisions I can live with if I don't ask the questions and not just questions but the right questions because yes there are right and wrong questions. Cutting out what is not necessary.

-I don't need to know exactly what it is you do right off the bat, I need to know how long you have been doing it. That establishes reliability and commitment. If you can't be still in a job how can you be still in a relationship?
-What is your fondest memory? If it entails going to the club then you already know two things. Maturity and Value. The lack of maturity will become an issue long term and giving value to people and meaningful moments in life hasn't been given enough thought to.
-What was the best thing your mother ever said to you? Response will let you know if any mommy issues. Same applies if you switch to dad.
-What does your best day look like? Establishes if person is superficial or down to earth.
-Last book read? Willingness to continue to learn and grow
-What's your x year plan? It could be from 1-3. It allows you to gauge if this person is a semi planner or just fly by the seat of their pants. If they can be both then awesome. If too rigid one way or the other CAUTION.

These are some good conversation suggestions that could easily cut out what is not necessary. Time is valuable. No one wants to be around that person who just talks and has no substance.

illustration by pinterest.com

I have been told that it is never appropriate to mention the x or x's on the first date but I say depending on the subject matter why not? I don't mean a whole history lesson but a brief comment can totally let you know what baggage might be still lingering around.
Just a thought...what do you think?

So how honest should you be in any Relationship from the start? What questions would you or do you ask of a potential mate? Even a potential friend? Do you oppose certain questions or open to all depending on how it is presented? Share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Date Nights are a Must

illustration by istockphoto.com

Dolls, how are we doing with our Date nights?

Does your work day seem endless? Your friends leaving you behind because you can't commit?
Calender full till end of the month?
You and your honey can't seem to be available on the same day?
Well how about we schedule one? Every month without fail?

As parents we tend to forget we are also adults and need alone quality time with our adult friends and with our partners. So just like we schedule their play dates why don't we begin to schedule ours?
Lately I've been finding that some couples are finally catching on to these scheduled "grown up" time which I think is great. I also feel confident when I run into more and more social groups geared towards Single parents.These dates are very important. They keep us connected intimately to our partners and help in continuing to strengthen bonds with our friends, give us time to release stress, regroup and reconnect in ways that have nothing to do with our kids but everything to do with our family unit and our individual self.

illustration by 123rf.com

Let's not forget we have a life outside of our children.

Date nights for me now that my Lil Mama is older are much different than they use to be but still important none the less. I still have to plan and adjust our schedules sometimes but the great part about our kids growing older is there will come a time you won't have to worry about getting back home and then having to deal with a lil one in the morning.
You will get to sleep in while they make you breakfast for a change!

illustration by dreamstime.com

Single or Married, committed or not adult interaction shouldn't be neglected. And we shouldn't fool ourselves that we just don't have the time or we will get to it later.

So let's go catch a movie, a quiet dinner, go dancing. How about a night at a hotel with a Spa treatment in the morning? A weekend away with the girls or the guys? Anything that is for you and not kid related go out and do. Remember to always have fun, just because you are a parent doesn't mean it’s not allowed.
It totally is.

What do your date nights consist of? Are they once a week, a month or a year? What sort of activities are you taking part in that are just for adult time?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Discover who You really are

Discover who You are, not what Others want you to be.

illustrations by wisdomquotes&stories

 It is never easy regardless of your age to start over again. Fear is fear no matter the form in which it presents itself and anxiety doesn't stay too far behind either. If we are lucky though in our life time we will go through many amazing changes.

Such was the case for me the time I decided to go to dinner alone. I'm not talking about grabbing a pizza and soda. I'm talking about walking into a fairly nice restaurant and asking for a table for one. Waiting to be seated, being walked over, settling down and when your all cozy asking the waiter/waitress to bring over your favorite drink along with the menu. "Will you be dining alone? Yes. Ok, I'll be back in a moment, thank you."

At first I must admit I was self conscious of others looking at me and wondering why I was alone but then I thought "who cares?" I began to relax and really enjoy my drink. I looked at the menu carefully and ordered something semi new within reason of course I mean who the heck wants a tummy ache for crying out loud. As the waitress took my order we smiled and exchanged lite conversation and as she walked away I kept smiling in gratitude. I am here, this is fun, I am alone but I am not lonely.

While I waited for my dinner to arrive I read a magazine something I hadn't done in a while because I was always rushing. I turned the pages slowly, took in every picture and every word and still that smile stayed on my face. The music played softly in the background, families laughed, kids were being fed by their moms, couples held hands and chatted. My dinner finally arrived.

illustrations by quoteaddicts.com

I had pan seared Salmon. It had a few other things with it but it's been four years can't recall whole plate but I can tell you that it was one of the best dates I've ever had. No stress about the conversation topics, not rushing through my food but instead savoring every forkful and really being in the moment. Looking at every bite, taking in every scent of what was presented to me on that plate. Grateful. To top things off I ordered Raspberry Cheesecake! Amazing so soft and fluffy and thick and rich and creamy all in one.

Once I was ready to leave and asked for my check, I took a long look around my surroundings and thought...Alone time is priceless.

I discovered that:
-fear is not always your enemy but just a cautious friend
-loss is never easy but sometimes totally neccesary and even freeing
-who You woke up being doesn't have to be the same person you put to bed
-if your so called loved ones don't see your potential then they are not really seeing you
-time moves, wounds heal and authentic love is forever
-every moment is truly filled with a chance to move in another direction
-forever is only as long as you want it to be

illustration by quotes

Four years and tons of alone time later I still look back on that day and smile a grand smile. I believe it should be a requirement of us all to invest in some time alone with ourselves. Time to do and be only for and about us. What we want, what we like, what we think and what we feel. Time to Discover who we really are.

Especially parents, we are almost expected to believe we are suppose to sacrifice ourselves for our families, for our children but No! There is no need to sacrifice just a desire to find a workable balance. It isn't about having it all it is about working with what you currently have and aiming towards something better if that is indeed your goal.

Discover who you really are you are your greatest investment.

What has been your greatest discovery about yourself?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Sexual Assault for Dummies

Hey loves so how many of you have ever used those yellow and black blah blah blah for Dummies books? You know which ones I'm talking about the one with the cartoon guy with glasses and black hair in the front, there is even a website Dummies.com.

If you haven't well just so you know if there is anything you want to learn about in a quick condensed lesson, there is a book out there for it and if you have used it you know how handy it came in with that test or issue you were having. Similar to Cliff notes back in the day.

My conversation with you today is on Sexual Assault. Everyone has been discussing it but I feel yet still many are taking it too lightly.
First the proper definition is as follows: RAINN.ORG Sexual assault is a crime of power and control. The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim.

illustration by wallpaperup

I reference this to say I feel we need one on the subject matter of Sexual Assault because it seems as serious as it is not everyone is clear on just what to consider Sexual Assault to be. I feel as a female and as a mom I am required to know exactly what falls under those terms so here is my "dummies" breakdown.

Sexual Assault:
-your Boss hovering over you and commenting on your clothes, makeup, hair, body or personal life
-the guy in the Super Market who touches you to say hello without your permission
-the guy or guys at the club that grab your hand or arm and say "let me talk to you for a minute". Well A**Hole you can totally talk to me but you were never suppose to touch me
-the teacher who insists on sitting too close or leaning too deep while explaining his lesson
-anyone exerting their sense of entitlement whether verbal or physical to intimidate your actions

In a nut shell, if you are invading my personal space and I feel uncomfortable you are Assaulting me in one way or another and that is wrong!

This is a universal issue but women especially suffer because we are groomed to go along and not rock the boat. We are taught to be polite, respect our teachers, clergymen and bosses. We are "encouraged" to play along with the team. BULLS***!

illustration by funnygifs

I am not a go along with the program type of female never have so obviously I taught my daughter and any female around me the same. Open your mouth, question and speak up is what I always say.
Don't laugh at inappropriate jokes, don't shrink in size just because your Boss is in the room. Stand your ground and know your value. Again personal space is very important you have a right to it, use it.

The Donald Trump video I can go on forever breaking down but at the core it is his sense of Entitlement that led him to this point. Money, Power and the "connections" so many of us encourage our kids when they head off the college to make. F that!, there is no connection so valuable that you would stand around and be degraded for. There is no connection worth the blatant disrespect of any female in your life.

We have a responsibility as parents to teach our children both females and males that it is not ok to speak or conduct yourself in such manor and then on top of it all try to shrug it off as "boys being boys, men being men." Locker room talk has been thrown around a lot, is that suppose to make it acceptable. "Oh he didn't know he was being recorded", does that excuse it or make it even worse?

illustration by giphy

It is time we speak up! Moms talk with sons and daughters. Sexual Assault is a must have conversation and not when you have "the talk" but from Birth! They must learn the value of themselves and that comes from home. They must learn the concept of personal space. Yes a four year old has the right to personal space.

Next time you find yourself in the middle of an exchange that makes you feel uncomfortable speak up. You don't have to make a production out of it a simple I am not comfortable with that or I am not comfortable right now will do just fine. If that isn't respected then you already know there is a bigger problem. The word NO is powerful and we must all learn to use it more often, embrace it, love it.

If you or someone you love believes they have been Sexually Assaulted look for help. Don't be or feel ashamed. You have the right to speak up without repercussions.

What do you think? Have you experienced a moment when someone crossed the line and you went along? Where you ever not clear on what constitutes Sexual Assault? Do you feel that this Donald Trump "incident" is really no big deal? Would love to hear your views.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Silence is Golden

I have learned the hard way that Silence is Golden.

In the past I was very quick to just say what first came to mind and to respond to a question or situation at that very moment.

The cost of me doing so changed my life completely, so much so that I will never be the same again.

I found myself in a place I didn't like and didn't want to be in. I found myself disappointed in my actions and causing myself to live within walls that weren't allowing me to grow. If we are not growing daily...then we are not truly living.

illustration by quotesgram.com

How did I learn and change?

Well I started by learning the practice of Meditation. Then I began to practice Yoga. Then I began to learn how to Listen (still working on it) Then I began to ask myself some hard questions.

-Who am I?
-What do I accomplish when I just pop off at the mouth?
-When I am speaking in haste or anger, am I still meriting respect?
-If I say what comes to mind am I adding to the problem or providing a solution?

Granted we all are emotional beings, some would say women more than men but if we allow our emotions to dictate our behavior we are just setting ourselves up for failure.
Failure in communication, in being heard, in Listening, in compromise and in respect.

illustration by myquotesclub.com

As a mother I didn't want to teach my daughter that my actions were ok. I didn't want her to think it was acceptable behavior to text, tweet, email, post or talk to anyone when she was in a moment of anger or discomfort. Most of the time once you say something it is very difficult to take it back and even saying I am sorry, won't cut it.

So next time someone upsets you, questions you or says something that causes you discomfort take a deep breath allow a few minutes to pass and then answer. You can even say I need some time to respond to that, I will have to get back to you.

Practice practice practice trust me you will be far better for it.

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you 

will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

-- Chinese Proverb

What are your thoughts, have you said something you wish you could take back and it still haunts you days, weeks even years later? Do you have any tips that can help in staying calm in times of Chaos?

Always stress free xo,

Mari 

Mom, Am I Ugly?

Hello lovelies, I have a question, how many times today did you look at yourself in the mirror? What did you see? Did it make you happy or sad?

illustration by thedailyquotes.com

I recently glimpsed at an article that stated Kourtney Kardashian was upset at her mother's use of the word fat in front of her daughter. It may not be a big deal to some but if we are mindful of our words then we would see how children mimic us and how negative words can make a huge impact. We can easily dismiss this but we can all look back at a moment when someone said something about our hair, our clothes, our legs, our nose that made us question ourselves if even for a millisecond.

Years ago I ran into an article on Cafe Mom about a four year old who had broken her arm and perhaps someone made a comment and she told her mother that she was ugly because of it. The mom wanted to know how she could convince her daughter she was pretty or beautiful. At such a young age what is a parent to do?

I am not sure how 4 yr. olds form the idea of what is ugly or pretty or fat or skinny. My experience is that some of those views come from examples they have grown up seeing, hearing or living in their own short lives. I believe that at such a young age they connect things from what they observe around them. Even the other day I read a post from a mom whose son called her fat and commented on her belly. I think feeling comfortable in our skin is a lot more than a lesson; it is an environment, a lifestyle, a belief.

illustration by quotesgram.com

When our children are born it is part of our responsibility to show love, kindness and praise.
To show value in what they do, not just in their appearance.We must always be aware we are the first source of ALL information and emotions our little ones see and feel, therefore we should be mindful of the words we use and the value we put on objects such as a dress, a pair of shoes, a hair ribbon, a hat, a doll and so forth that can label things as pretty or ugly, fat or skinny.

Being more aware of the words we use can not only help our children but also help us as well to better engage with others and our society. Sometimes the smallest change or rephrase can make a big difference.
For example:
- Those shoes are too ugly – Those shoes are not the right style for your outfit
- That dress is to tight, makes you look fat  -  Oh sweetie, look at that you growing so fast you outgrew the dress
- Boys don’t wear that – I think that color may not suit you best
- Your too old to wear that style - Maybe we can find you a different style, this one isn't as flattering to your shape.

illustration by searchquotes.com

There are endless examples, hope you get the idea. Moms let’s be kinder to ourselves when we look in the mirror and Dads let’s take it a little easy out there on the playing fields. Our children are always watching us and listening.

What types of tools can we use to raise happy, confident and Label free, children? What are some ways you have had to deal with this issue in your home? Let's start a discussion here.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Listen to Your Intuition

In our heart of hearts we always have the answer

illustration by picturequotes.com

illustration by quotesgram.com

Don't be afraid to hurt someone's feelings and don't ignore your caution lights.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

When Good Intentions are Not so Good

Hey dolls seems like we haven't chatted in a long time let me bring you up to date.
First Mommywood turned 3 in August and I don't know where the time has gone. I really am grateful to have a place to share my Life Experiences and perhaps help one person see there is another way. Second I just had a Birth Day the lovely 45 came around and I am soooooo loving it! Nothing like being in a good place in your life where all you are is grateful and see so many possibilities. Living mindfully will help you achieve that and just plain ole living, making mistakes and getting right back up.

Which brings me to the only damper I had on my Birth Day month. A meeting with a friend that turned into a sour event but I walked away with huge clarity none the less.
I don't want to get into a play by play and I don't want to sit in that experience for too long but I will share some highlights said friend feels the following...

• My priorities are wrong
• I am not enough of a Go Getter
• I am basically settling in Life
• I am filled with excuses
• I'll be in the same spot 5 years from now at rate I am going
• I am not aiming high enough
• I am not doing everything possible to be a Success

illustration by pinterest.com

Now to be fair I will say I am dealing with an extremely driven man. One I have known since we were 19 years old. One that I share things in my life with as most friends do. One who has overcome adversity and risen to the occasion and with that I say good for YOU.

Agreed that there are things I set out to do in my life that I have fallen short on. Agreed that there are just certain sacrifices I am just not willing to make and Agreed that we do have some things in common when it comes to how we grew up but we have had different life experiences and you can't judge people for those experiences. You can't paint with one broad brush how you will handle the things that come your way. Without getting into too many details I felt extremely judged.

illustration by quotefancy.com

How as my friend can you view where I stand today in life as a total failure? Sure you sprinkled in a few props and btw thanks but how as my friend knowing my history would you choose to speak in a less than emphatic form? Opinion and Advice and Suggestions are awesome but not at the expense of belittling the choices of others. How I feel and felt about our exchange is not his responsibility. Only we can control our emotions but it is important to express them as best we can in a respectful manner so you can get your point across. Perhaps the intent was to inspire by sharing his Life Experiences. Perhaps the intent was to encourage in his own way. I ended our conversation by saying "because I love you I will pay very close attention to all you have said." And I did and I have and this is what I came up with.

My measure of success is determined by me. My measure of happiness is determined by me. My measure of worth is determined by me.

illustration by quotefancy.com

• I learned that some people only see you as a success if they can see tangible evidence.
• I learned that for some picking your battles is not trying hard enough 
• I learned that everyone defines success by their own measure.
• I learned that I don't have to prove my success to anyone 

I was saddened I am saddened that a friend would view me as "less than" a success and perhaps to some it really isn't a big deal after all we were just two friends talking and he was just commenting on things we had shared in the past which is fine I get it I got it. But regardless of what your friend shares with you present or past kindness should never be spared. Mindfulness should never be an option it should always be a given.

illustration by hippoquotes.com

It takes courage, self love and respect to stand in your truth to shine in your own bright light. So if you find yourself surrounded by those who feel you haven't done enough, achieved enough, explored enough even sacrificed enough don't waiver in the knowledge that you have done enough as long as you are proud of that person who is looking back at you in the mirror. Share your thoughts and experience,

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Raising Honest children

Seems every where we turn now someone is being caught in a lie. Maybe you want to call it half truth or just disclosing what was necessary at the time? Choosing to omit in order to keep the peace? I can go on with all the reasons but in the end it certainly wasn't the truth.
As parents how do we address these issues? How do we start a conversation or address a question bought to us by our child(ren)? For instance, recent events such as Melania Trump taking snippets from Michelle Obama's 2008 speech. It's not an if or maybe it is clear. How do we talk about honesty and lies?

When I first started my blog I wrote on this subject, I am re-posting it again with few updates:

Have you experienced a time when you found out your child has lied to you? Have you noticed a pattern of fibs your son has been telling? Does your daughter try to cover her tracks by lying?

illustration by pinterest.com

What are we to do when we are faced with the possibility that our children are liars, that they do it often and like to do it because it keeps them out of so called trouble or worse yet allows them to manipulate others? Do we yell, punish, scream, resort to use of physical means to stop this behavior? Do we sit, talk and maybe get outside sources to help us?

My perspective is let's try talking first. Yelling and screaming only distracts from the real issues and makes the child loose interest and focus. They will not grasp the information you are trying to get across. The message gets lost in the delivery. Our goal is raising honest children.

-sit him or her down, explain in language suitable for their age what the problem is.
-explain what lying is, maybe they really have no real idea.
-give examples don't just say because it is wrong or I don't like it. An example can be lying about where they were.Let them know it's not that you are tracking them or you don't trust them but instead make it clear it's for safety if something were to happen you want to be able to trace their steps.You want to be able to have peace of mind they are in safe places.

illustration by wisieforkids.com

If your child lies to manipulate one person over the other, share that trust is very valuable. That they will want you to trust them so they can do the things they enjoy like visit with friends, stay out later, start to date, join school teams etc...And when they lie, those privileges must be taken away.

If they are younger you should find cartoons or books that can assist with teaching them what lies are. When they see a character they love explain or behave in ways we are trying to teach it makes things a little clearer. 

You may also try to say things like, what if mommy told you we were going to the park but instead we went  grocery shopping. You wouldn't like that, it is a lie and it would make you feel sad.

Language is important. The goal is to get better results and remove poor habits. And let's not forget to acknowledge when the truth has been told. We encourage by acknowledgment and we encourage even when we don't like what we hear the goal again is the truth. What are your thoughts? Have you dealt with these issues already? What tips or tricks can you share with us?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Personal Inventory

Hey loves what's new and exciting in your world?

Today's share comes from my daughter, with her permission of course. I try to respect her privacy as much as possible so when ever I share something specific in connection with her I always ask first.

The other day I'm home eating dinner alone before I headed out for my walk. Lil mama was in school it was her late night. It was after six when she calls me to chat about her day and I just listened as I ate. It was as usual another enlightening convo hearing my daughters views on the world. Listening to her share her day and classroom experiences. Towards the end of the convo she asks me if I read her email, I said no. I told her "your mama only checks her emails three times a day. After 10am, at 3:30 and between 6/7pm" She responded "ok great I like that, I don't want you consumed with checking in." I said "no, I'm totally not."

She said "ok well I sent you an email today I want you to read. I wanted to share it especially with you." I said "ok when I hang up I will open and read." We said our I love u's and see you laters and hung up. I took a sip of my lemon water and proceeded to open her email this is what I read...

So I was given an assignment at school that said to write a page about how you want people to see you. I decided to share this with you guys because I think an important part of becoming the person you want to be seen as, has alot to do with the people close to you holding you accountable for the things you say. This is kind of like, if I ever stop being the person I talk about in this paper, use this and remind me lol. Also thank you for supporting me, and mami specifically, for being the biggest thing to shape my life. I only had one page so I tried to just focus on myself and your role is 4 pages minimum of writing. My existence and accomplishments will ALWAYS be owed to you firstly and you are ALWAYS my biggest source of inspiration and motivation. Please don't text me an emotional response because I don't want to start crying in class lol. Love you guys

illustration by sourceofincome.com

As I dabbled lightly on my tears I opened the attached doc and this is what I read...

Erica xxxxxx

Prof D

MGT 3120 FTA​​​​​​​​​​9/5/16

Personal Inventory

​I think we cannot speak about the type of person we want others to see us as if we do not consider our parents, and which parts of them we have tried to emulate growing up. I grew up in a family that was not close, with 2 parents who were extremely independent individuals. They never treated me as a child who wasn’t capable of understanding the outside world and all its complications, but rather found ways to explain things within the scope of my lived experience up to that point. More importantly, they fostered my own independence. While this independence truthfully gave way to some issues with authoritative figures, it also helped me have a clear understanding of which rules in life are valid and which are based in fear, ignorance, or control. My parents never placed themselves or any adults around me to be seen as “all-knowing” figures to be blindly respected, and so I have not viewed adults that way and have in many ways forced them to see me as an equal.

As my mother was the more cautious of the two, I strove to be more like my father, thrill seeking and seemingly fearless. Exuding this confident energy and a street smarts that would save you from virtually any circumstances. My parents were unapologetically themselves and rose me to be the same way. I want people to see me as someone genuine, who is secure in my identity and in my individual path. Growing with this independence, as I entered the work force at 16 years old, it was time to apply what I had seen, and to begin shaping what position I wanted to have relative to our economic world. I began working in fashion, and developed a passion for every aspect of the industry. This developed my taste for more expensive things naturally, and a desire for a far more luxurious lifestyle than either of my parents could ever afford me. So once again this became another facet of my independence, pushing to escape the economic status I’d been born into. I want to be seen as someone who works hard and takes great pride in everything they do.

I realized a big part of growing in this industry was investing in yourself. Being so aesthetic based, this became another crucial part of my identity. I want people to see me, aesthetically, as someone who takes risks. I believe the way we present ourselves in any setting allow people to make many judgements of us, and with that being said, the way we dress should be an extension of our personalities. I have worked as a personal stylist for the last 2 years and so much of my work with my clients is psychological; it is about finding pieces that speak to their energy and lifestyle and not about what any magazine says we should wear. I strive for people to see me as someone not afraid to be alone in my opinions. In this industry, there is so much sameness as many brands make the crossover to corporations and I want to enter it as someone who truly believes fashion is art, and deserves to be seen as such, not diluted into varying uniforms. I want people to see me as an artist. Art in all aspects is my passion, and defining myself as an artist, has completely changed the way I view the world. This brings me to my entrepreneurial venture as a designer, building an independent label, and defining myself as an entrepreneur. I believe ultimately being a successful entrepreneur is about forging your own path, your own rules, and proving things can always be done in so many different ways. I want people to see me ultimately as someone who set goals for themselves and was fearless enough to actually accomplish them.

illustration by fearlessmotivation.com

I chose to share this with you so you can get a better picture of the beautiful young woman I am blessed to call, my daughter and to affirm that anything is possible if we build strong respectful connections with our children and always keep communications going. Think we can all benefit from Personal Inventory? Share your thoughts. 

Always stress free xo, 

Mari

What your Dreams can Reveil

I dreamt of Spiders and a veil was lifted.

For the past two months I've been having some really disturbing dreams. They include people I haven't spoken to in quite some time now and upon waking I find myself sending them love and best wishes. Though I do this on a regular whether in prayer form or quiet meditation those who are no longer a part of my daily life are not gone from my thoughts.

illustration by mactoons.com

These dreams included old friends, my little sister, my mom and my daughter's father. The latter was the only one I made an effort to reach out to. I want to say it was simply because I had the means to but that wouldn't be the whole truth, the whole truth is he would be the least to bring me anxiety and open old wounds. The first, old friends I honestly just feel whatever and if its meant to be we will cross paths again but my little sister and my mother...

Then I dreamt of Spiders two nights in a row and had to find out why? My research suggested the following:

-your future

-fear

-entrapment

-time

-forces sucking the life out of you

-tackling obstacles

Light bulb moment! 

illustration by shutterstock.com

I have been thinking heavy about my future, I have been sitting in fear, I have been feeling trapped, I am always mindful of my time, I have come across some life suckers, and I am learning how to tackle obstacles. How can Spiders represent all that? Well not to get into too much symbolism etc...if you think of Spiders just one thing I will focus on is Time. They do not rush to make their web to catch their pray but they do so carefully and with intent. They move swiftly but with purpose and remain focused till the end. 

My lil mama is reaching the end of her College journey which means even more freedom for me but also more independence for her. New things like her moving out or even moving away. Closer to the day we no longer wake up under the same roof. Mixed feelings but we are getting ready and have been for the past 21 years.

I'm in my forties, single, dating and sooooo not feeling it at this moment. I would like to be doing something totally different at this stage in my life. Learning to accept the road I am on and working towards getting on the road I want to be in. Even my half a** dating is not cutting it any more. I dreamt of Spiders and they called me out on the goals I had set for myself in my last breakup. To remain true to what I want, to always put my desires out in the universe and not live in fear to face my truths and not turn a blind eye to what is right in front of me. 

illustration by mroutsource.com

I was starting to revert back into a Bystander but checked myself shortly after these dreams and now I am back Front and Center! I started by joining Meet Up. com. A sight with tons of groups you can join with like minded people. I have gone to Yoga classes and Meditation classes outside in the park. I went to Wanderlust event in Prospect park over the weekend with Lil Mama it was amazing.  I'm heading to a Holistic Networking event over the weekend where they will be teaching how to perfect your Elevator Pitch and Networking skills. I even stepped out of my comfort zone and went to a Sister Circle event a fellow blogger friend of mine was holding up in Brooklyn.

This Sister Circle was amazing, so many beautiful women inside and out. No cattiness, no negativity just love! I am not one to hang with many females but these strong, powerful women. Secure in who they are, where they are going and what they have to offer and give to the universe...I'll proudly hang with any time. It was hosted by the beautiful Brittany Josephina whom I've spoken of in the past. In this event I also had the opportunity to take part in a Reiki session. This is an ancient Japanese healing technique used for stress relief and uses your own energy. It is not affiliated in any way with religion. I would highly recommend at least reading up on it before judging it. We had a beautiful practitioner by the name of Liana Naima go check her out.

I am hoping to join many more fun filled meet up events and par take in many more fellow blogger socializing. If you are like me and hate to do things alone continue to hate it but do it anyway. I am never lonely I enjoy my Mari time but as like with anything else moderation is key and you don't want to seclude yourself from living just because those around you don't share the same interest. Go out and meet new people that do, make a new friend.

illustration by yanavcsl.org

Having these dreams wasn't a fluke it was me telling me I needed to change my direction. It was me showing myself self care by acknowledging a problem, sitting with it and finding a solution. Not by beating myself up, not by talking down to myself but by going out and looking for tools I could use to change my life's journey. I Dreamt of Spiders and began to heal myself. We always know what we need just sometimes we refuse to listen.

Share your thoughts. Ever have a dream or series of dreams that lead you in a certain direction? Ever felt afraid of something, done it anyway come to find out it was the best thing for you? Did it turn out instead to be the worst? Let's start a conversation.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Taking the Time to Review our Progress

illustration complements of the lovely Brittany Josephina 

check her out on twitter @brittanyphina 

This is right up my ally. Every year I do just that, review how far I've come along in the goals I set out for myself at the start of the New Year. In a blink of an eye we now find ourselves in July! What's the first half of 2016 looking like? Are you where you thought you would be? Did you fall behind or get ahead of yourself? Did something get in the way and it is taking you some time to refocus?

I use a few tools to stay grounded, grateful and focused. These really work for me, especially when I look at my To Do list and see I have yet to cross anything off. As you guys well know my baby #2, my grandma who has Alzheimers always keeps me busy. My down time is actually the time I use to catch up on my own personal things or even just to breathe and do nothing. My visits to Brooklyn are increasing and my responsibilities are also increasing. She now has totally forgotten who I am it's not like before where she had good moments with me and remembered my face now I am a total stranger. I catch her asking the home attendant "who is that lady in the living room?" when I am sitting at her dining table preparing her medication. I smile to myself, walk over and introduce myself then give her a big hug and kiss and thank the universe for giving me the strength to be there for her. 

illustration by en.paperblog.com

Because I have to focus on her needs quite a bit my own goals have been pushed back some but that is ok too. Question #3 is what do I need to release right now? My answer is my wish to control how soon the projects I am working on can take off and really come to life. I have decided to delay my parenting ebook until I can dedicate more time to getting my thoughts together and in the meantime just be happy chatting it up here with you and I am holding off on my photography coffee table book till end of the year. 

Making plans, setting goals and being driven is great nothing wrong with setting things up for ourselves. It only becomes a problem when we begin to beat ourselves up for not getting to a certain place by a certain time. I use the following to stay on track:

-a pencil, as funny as that sounds it allows me to erase the date I have put on myself to reach a goal. It gives me room to adjust and not feel like I have failed.

-daily recap, it's a great way to end your evening. Once you have settled down just before you close your eyes think of all the good you did in your day not what you left to do for tomorrow.

-walk, even if its to grab the kids from school. Use that time to slow down and breathe and take in your surroundings. There are miracles everywhere.

-talking, we do some much of this during our day but what are we saying? Are we talking with people who encourage us to continue to work towards our goals? Are we talking to people who instead see obstacles instead of possibilities?

-laughter and some sweets, when all else fails find something that makes you laugh and enjoy a cup of Ice Cream or candy bar. Tomorrow is a new day and we still have six more months to make things happen! 

illustration by quotesgram.net

What do you think? Did Brittany's questions help you refocus? Did my tips help ease your stress? We are all more alike than different, share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Embracing our "Strong Willed" children

Back to school wow can't accept that Summer is officially over. With a new school year just starting I wanted to touch on something that may come up for some of you.
Ever hear a word and to your ears it feels like a dentist's drill or the eerie chalk board noise that made you cringe? Perhaps if you're like me there are several words. Today I want to chat about the words Strong Willed.

I've been coming across lately more and more posts referring to this trait. How to correct it, how to avoid it, how not to encourage it, how plain ole terrible a child with this trait is or can become. Being a personal blogger who touches on my life's journey as a mom and focuses on Empowering Motivating and Inspiring others I dislike these words together because from their definition just about every one of us, my child and myself included have been or are to some degree...Strong Willed.

For years women especially have had to deal with so many labels. Labels that society and men especially have directed at us in moments when they have felt threatened by dare I say us possibly being their equal. So it pains me to see posts by moms who feel they need help in changing their child.

This is my perspective, your child doesn't need to be changed he or she needs to be disciplined, needs set boundaries, needs to learn how to communicate better and needs to learn respect. As a good parent what we all need to do is find a balance that doesn't diminish our child(rens) independence and curiosity and eagerness for exploration. That is what children do. They test the waters, they question, they want to fend for themselves. We the parents set the limits on the length of that cord.

illustration by mactoons.com

If it were up to my daughter she would have never attended "regular" school. I say regular because now more than ever parents have great options on how to best educate their children. We have home schooling and even un-schooling just to give you some examples. I remember all the chatter about home schooling mostly negative but that is what usually happens when people are not educated about something or even willing to do some research. What works for one doesn't work for all I wish people would get that already.

My daughter has always had strong opinions about classroom education. Even as a child she felt she could learn best by engaging in daily life. It never failed to have her teachers make mention of how she always questioned the "norm" and how she was always the only student in class who didn't just "go along". Well hello thank the heavens above that she has her own thoughts and opinions. Thank the heavens above she is not a follower and thank the heavens above that I am so not ripping into you for disrespecting my daughter...I would be thinking to myself. Instead I just would smile and say "yes we taught her to respect others but never be afraid to speak her peace and for that we are very proud of her". That would shut them down quickly.

My lil mama was and still is a wonderful student, she enjoys learning but she doesn't want to be feed one sided views she wants to explore the whole picture and for that some may say she is Strong Willed I say she is wise and has a healthy approach to life. I wouldn't want to kill the curiosity in her. I wouldn't want to dim her light. Life already does a great job of that on its own. As her mom I continue 21years later to emphasize the importance of respecting others but also to require others to respect her.

illustration by pinterest

If you are a parent of a child who embraces life without a sense of limits be proud and cultivate that spirit. Provide the tools that will help them safely navigate through life. If you have a child who exhibits these same traits but doesn't grasp a sense of balance than perhaps set some ground rules. Teach that certain behaviors have consequences and that we can still be free thinkers without being hurtful or disrespectful to others.

Cheers to being Strong Willed!!!

What are your thoughts? Share your experience and/or tips.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Learning to Accept everyones Reality

Where ever you are planted...Bloom

Happy Sunday hope that our transition back to school and cooler weather hasn't been and won't be too difficult. Today I wanted to share with you a few walk away thoughts I've had on recent events on the news. I wanted to share my perspective and hopefully hear what you guys had to say as well. I was talking to my bestie last week over FaceTime and it was great to see his beautiful smile shining back at me after several months of missed calls and busy schedules. We were catching up on life's events and one of the things we touched on was Friendships. He commented that what he notices from me and I am not quoting just summarizing is that basically I am just to rigid in my expectations of people and more so my friends. That basically everyone has stuff going on and that I should try to have empathy, more understanding and more or less meet them where they are at. And for the most part I really get where he was coming from But at the same time my perspective from my life's experience goes back to value. I don't have a problem meeting you where you are, I don't have a problem having empathy but I do have a problem with you not showing me the same value as I show you. I have a huge problem with people who behave as if their life activities are more important than yours. This is why I have adopted the mindset of loving you from a distance. I am learning to Accept every ones Reality.  

Then I run into the Colin Kaepernick controversy and this is my take away thought...I am proud to have been born in the United States because this is all I ever have known. I am grateful my family came to this country and sacrificed so much so we can have a better life and I am grateful that I have so many freedoms that some may not be afforded But how then can you give me a Freedom and want to tell me how to use it? How can some in society be upset with this man when you told him you have freedom of speech? Many Americans want to lump all things together. Many Americans want all Americans to have the same views But if one persons reality is not the same as another how can they all have the same views? If I come from a reality of oppression, de-valued and dehumanized over years and years and still today see the same injustices why would I stand for your reality and deny mine? Freedom is a beautiful thing and all human beings should have it. If we live in such greatness as the United States then let me use it as it was given. Learning to Accept every ones Reality.

nfl.com

illustration by thequotepedia.com

This next one was shocking but not really because I always say unfortunately women are very catty and can be brutal critics of their own gender instead of lifting one another up. Blue Ivy / huffingtonpost article I came across which talks about the harsh comments posted about this four year old little girl four!

Grown women calling her ugly, what on earth? She is a child, what are you thinking when you are sitting at home or walking around just typing any crap that comes to mind then pressing send? Are you even really thinking? Are you even mindful of something called feelings? Do you ever remove yourself from your bubble and think about how you would feel hearing or reading these types of comments about your mother, sister or even child? Your reality may not be being thrusted into the spotlight she did not ask for cameras to follow her every move but you did choose to see her and comment. You made a choice and that choice from my perspective is unkind and lacks humanity. Societies emphasis on looks as a whole is F***ed up but when your own gender jumps on the band wagon...where do you go from there? My perspective is these comments come from a place of envy. What she was born into can afford her things some of us may never experience but if we were more mindful of gratitude of the things in our own lives we would not devalue hers. Learning to Accept every ones Reality. 

illustration by milliontalks.com

This last thought ties into my Blue Ivy share because it relates again to...women and the harsh judgment nature. Why all the fuse about who is not wearing makeup? What is the big deal about going outside makeup free? And why does it bother you if I am making that choice for myself and you wouldn't for you?

Two articles caught my eye allure.com  which shares a story about my daughter's favorite artist Alicia Keys and her choice to go makeup free. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. She uses her platform to uplift everyone never a harsh word used to exploit any opportunity so why are so many people more so women upset about her choice? Were we born with makeup on? No. It was a product made to enhance what was/is already beautiful or to add a little something to help with an issue we may feel can use a little work. It is society that has pushed this idea that women are not whole unless we put our face on. What! My natural face isn't good enough? Get the F out of here with that noise. Choices...again Freedom to use or not use makeup yet you want to tell me what to do and you want me to feel bad for choosing another road. I am choosing for me yet you want to lump my choice into your life. 

I will turn forty- five in a few weeks and its just in the last two years that I have embraced lipstick yes lipstick! I finally have the interest in applying it to my lips because of all the great colors and textures I can choose. I started to wear eyeliner in my teens and mascara in my late twenties but that is it. I hate yes I said it I hate anything else on my face. Foundation, concealers, blush whatever I don't want any part of it BUT if one day I wake up and have a dang pimple I want to cover up I can choose to do so however I wish! Forty something years of practically no makeup for me has afforded extra sleep time, no dirty collars, no midday apply, no restrictions on kissing or "playtime" on a whim and plenty of extra cash for things I really love like sweets! This other article about barely no makeup makeup is ridiculous to me but again its a choice gma.yahoo.com do what you wish with your dang own face. Learning to Accept every ones Reality. Do and be what works best for you. Live your life by your definition. Encourage individuality in your loved ones, especially your children. Allow them the choice to define themselves by their own standards. What makes them proud of themselves whether in front of a mirror or outside in the world.

illustration by lotfortyeightblog.com

So these are my thoughts today. Share your comments and experiences choose to be free today and let me know how you will go about doing so. Think big! think empowering, motivating and inspiring by living your best life.

Always stress free xo,

Mari