A Thanksgiving of Reflection

Hey! I didn't want this day to go by without me connecting with you and sharing some thoughts. I just walked in from grandma duties and last minute grocery shopping for the "big food day" tomorrow. Traffic was crazy and the stores were a mess but its the same every year nothing really changes or does it?

Grandmas doing well, right now all the stars have aligned and my routine has no hiccups. Our talk today was sweet which has become more of the norm. For those new to my blog I care for my 93 year old grandmother how has Alzheimers. As she held my hand and we sat and talked she asked me several times how many children did I have. Each and every time I said one and she laughed. She said "You have only one child why, what happened?" I said that nothing happened but life. That I worked and as time passed my family just didn't grow. She laughed at my answer and shook her head and told the home attendant that was crazy. Her disease allows these moments to pass by so quickly which allows me not sit in the moment like if it was a regular conversation with a regular person.

As she looked at a picture of her mother who passed away when she was perhaps in her mid thirties to early forties she sigh and let a dry cry out. Those where you make the sound but no visible tears are in your eyes she asked me "Did you ever meet my mother, she is dead now, I miss her so much." I responded with "No I never met her but yes I know she is gone now." She then held my hand tighter and asked "How about your mother, is she dead or is she alive?" My mother is her daughter but she doesn't remember that and yes she is still alive but we don't speak.

things I keep on my fridge to maintain my focus

I don't share the details but I tell her that yes my mother is alive. She seems to brighten up and says "How lucky are you to have her alive, I hope you two are close and you take care of each other." I drop my head and take a deep breath. I hold her hand and say "I take care of you and that is whats important." I may be "lucky" that my mother is alive but we aren't close and we don't take care of each other. My mother has Emphysema and the last time I saw her was perhaps three years ago when I went to visit her in the hospital.

Something happened to my mom after her marriage to my two younger sister's father ended after seventeen years together. I guess her broken heart never fully healed and life just became something you go through not something you take part in. The mom I knew and loved slowly faded away. Little by little the talks and visits became less and the arguments and disagreements became more. That trickled onto my relationships with my sisters as well. Tell one argument became so ugly we didn't speak for about four years. Then one day I reached out to my sisters and we got together for dinner but that was a roller coaster ride of the same issues and emotions.

I tried to connect as best I could but I had to walk away again and that lasted for some time until I tried again and that trickled into my second relationship and didn't end well and I had to walk away again. Then my sisters called to say my mother was in the hospital. I remember the conversation as if it were yesterday. I'm in my office and my boss says I have a call from my sister Christina, I said that can't be and he said but it is. I answer the phone and she says "Hello Mari, sorry to bother you but I thought you should know that mom is in the hospital. She isn't doing so great. I wasn't going to call you but thought out of respect that you are her oldest daughter you should know. She is in blah blah hospital if you want to come see her."

illustration by pinterest

Ok now what caught your attention most from that convo? Was it the "sorry to bother you or the thought you should know or the I wasn't going to call you but...?" For me it was all the above and beyond. I just sat in my chair looking around my office in disbelief. As instincts dictate I grab the info and go to my boss and let him know the situation and proceed to leave to go see my mother. On the drive there I'm talking to myself saying how I can't believe these are the circumstances that are leading me to see them again. I get to the hospital and get a semi loving welcome and a "sorry to put you out of your way" comment again.

I visited my mother every day she was in there and my daughter too. It was heartbreaking to see my child sit through all the uncomfortableness that was clearly surrounding us. Yes the conversations were pleasant but we were treated more like strangers than family. As her eldest daughter that should not be what I was feeling. I remained in contact for about two weeks after she left to hospital. I tried all I could to help and when nothing seemed to work I wrote my sisters an email that as of right now still hasn't been answered. A week after I sent the email, I walked away. Here we are three years later.

I share this today in reflection of what Thanksgiving is suppose to mean and what it really means to me. I am not preparing my guest room for family and I am not on a flight to any specific destination. I am home preparing to share a special meal with my daughter and our friend. I am at my destination I am with my family. I am exactly where I need to be and where saving myself has bought me. You see loving people especially your family sometimes just isn't enough. And when it isn't enough and you have exhausted every means you have to save yourself.

illustration by pinterest

A Thanksgiving of Reflection of being grateful for how far I have come and how much I have healed. Of how I have channeled that love that isn't reciprocated into giving my time and attention to my volunteer projects. On not focusing on what isn't and my never be but instead continuing to send them love and investing my energy on who and what is in front of me and build on that. Not bitterness but love that drives me not hate but empathy and compassion is what I strive for.

As you sit with those you love and share a meal remember to express your gratitude loudly! Don't think that they know you love them, tell them. If you feel you need to try again and make amends do it! Thanksgiving is not just about the food and lavish settings and rushing to go shopping. Thanksgiving is truly about those who have added to your life and blessed you with love.

I am grateful for you all that come visit with me and read what I have to say. I am grateful for the opportunity to connect with if not just one of you that may be feeling unheard or like you are the only one who is going through or has gone through whatever it is that I have shared. I am grateful for the love of my beautiful daughter, my sunshine my everything. She is the reason I do all I do. I am grateful for the authentic friendships I have built and continue to build. I am grateful for just life. Everyday is beautiful, every day we have a choice. Choose to live your best life. And to my mother, thank you for giving me Life.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Date Nights are a Must

illustration by istockphoto.com

Dolls, how are we doing with our Date nights?

Does your work day seem endless? Your friends leaving you behind because you can't commit?
Calender full till end of the month?
You and your honey can't seem to be available on the same day?
Well how about we schedule one? Every month without fail?

As parents we tend to forget we are also adults and need alone quality time with our adult friends and with our partners. So just like we schedule their play dates why don't we begin to schedule ours?
Lately I've been finding that some couples are finally catching on to these scheduled "grown up" time which I think is great. I also feel confident when I run into more and more social groups geared towards Single parents.These dates are very important. They keep us connected intimately to our partners and help in continuing to strengthen bonds with our friends, give us time to release stress, regroup and reconnect in ways that have nothing to do with our kids but everything to do with our family unit and our individual self.

illustration by 123rf.com

Let's not forget we have a life outside of our children.

Date nights for me now that my Lil Mama is older are much different than they use to be but still important none the less. I still have to plan and adjust our schedules sometimes but the great part about our kids growing older is there will come a time you won't have to worry about getting back home and then having to deal with a lil one in the morning.
You will get to sleep in while they make you breakfast for a change!

illustration by dreamstime.com

Single or Married, committed or not adult interaction shouldn't be neglected. And we shouldn't fool ourselves that we just don't have the time or we will get to it later.

So let's go catch a movie, a quiet dinner, go dancing. How about a night at a hotel with a Spa treatment in the morning? A weekend away with the girls or the guys? Anything that is for you and not kid related go out and do. Remember to always have fun, just because you are a parent doesn't mean it’s not allowed.
It totally is.

What do your date nights consist of? Are they once a week, a month or a year? What sort of activities are you taking part in that are just for adult time?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Silence is Golden

I have learned the hard way that Silence is Golden.

In the past I was very quick to just say what first came to mind and to respond to a question or situation at that very moment.

The cost of me doing so changed my life completely, so much so that I will never be the same again.

I found myself in a place I didn't like and didn't want to be in. I found myself disappointed in my actions and causing myself to live within walls that weren't allowing me to grow. If we are not growing daily...then we are not truly living.

illustration by quotesgram.com

How did I learn and change?

Well I started by learning the practice of Meditation. Then I began to practice Yoga. Then I began to learn how to Listen (still working on it) Then I began to ask myself some hard questions.

-Who am I?
-What do I accomplish when I just pop off at the mouth?
-When I am speaking in haste or anger, am I still meriting respect?
-If I say what comes to mind am I adding to the problem or providing a solution?

Granted we all are emotional beings, some would say women more than men but if we allow our emotions to dictate our behavior we are just setting ourselves up for failure.
Failure in communication, in being heard, in Listening, in compromise and in respect.

illustration by myquotesclub.com

As a mother I didn't want to teach my daughter that my actions were ok. I didn't want her to think it was acceptable behavior to text, tweet, email, post or talk to anyone when she was in a moment of anger or discomfort. Most of the time once you say something it is very difficult to take it back and even saying I am sorry, won't cut it.

So next time someone upsets you, questions you or says something that causes you discomfort take a deep breath allow a few minutes to pass and then answer. You can even say I need some time to respond to that, I will have to get back to you.

Practice practice practice trust me you will be far better for it.

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you 

will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

-- Chinese Proverb

What are your thoughts, have you said something you wish you could take back and it still haunts you days, weeks even years later? Do you have any tips that can help in staying calm in times of Chaos?

Always stress free xo,

Mari 

Mom, Am I Ugly?

Hello lovelies, I have a question, how many times today did you look at yourself in the mirror? What did you see? Did it make you happy or sad?

illustration by thedailyquotes.com

I recently glimpsed at an article that stated Kourtney Kardashian was upset at her mother's use of the word fat in front of her daughter. It may not be a big deal to some but if we are mindful of our words then we would see how children mimic us and how negative words can make a huge impact. We can easily dismiss this but we can all look back at a moment when someone said something about our hair, our clothes, our legs, our nose that made us question ourselves if even for a millisecond.

Years ago I ran into an article on Cafe Mom about a four year old who had broken her arm and perhaps someone made a comment and she told her mother that she was ugly because of it. The mom wanted to know how she could convince her daughter she was pretty or beautiful. At such a young age what is a parent to do?

I am not sure how 4 yr. olds form the idea of what is ugly or pretty or fat or skinny. My experience is that some of those views come from examples they have grown up seeing, hearing or living in their own short lives. I believe that at such a young age they connect things from what they observe around them. Even the other day I read a post from a mom whose son called her fat and commented on her belly. I think feeling comfortable in our skin is a lot more than a lesson; it is an environment, a lifestyle, a belief.

illustration by quotesgram.com

When our children are born it is part of our responsibility to show love, kindness and praise.
To show value in what they do, not just in their appearance.We must always be aware we are the first source of ALL information and emotions our little ones see and feel, therefore we should be mindful of the words we use and the value we put on objects such as a dress, a pair of shoes, a hair ribbon, a hat, a doll and so forth that can label things as pretty or ugly, fat or skinny.

Being more aware of the words we use can not only help our children but also help us as well to better engage with others and our society. Sometimes the smallest change or rephrase can make a big difference.
For example:
- Those shoes are too ugly – Those shoes are not the right style for your outfit
- That dress is to tight, makes you look fat  -  Oh sweetie, look at that you growing so fast you outgrew the dress
- Boys don’t wear that – I think that color may not suit you best
- Your too old to wear that style - Maybe we can find you a different style, this one isn't as flattering to your shape.

illustration by searchquotes.com

There are endless examples, hope you get the idea. Moms let’s be kinder to ourselves when we look in the mirror and Dads let’s take it a little easy out there on the playing fields. Our children are always watching us and listening.

What types of tools can we use to raise happy, confident and Label free, children? What are some ways you have had to deal with this issue in your home? Let's start a discussion here.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Raising Honest children

Seems every where we turn now someone is being caught in a lie. Maybe you want to call it half truth or just disclosing what was necessary at the time? Choosing to omit in order to keep the peace? I can go on with all the reasons but in the end it certainly wasn't the truth.
As parents how do we address these issues? How do we start a conversation or address a question bought to us by our child(ren)? For instance, recent events such as Melania Trump taking snippets from Michelle Obama's 2008 speech. It's not an if or maybe it is clear. How do we talk about honesty and lies?

When I first started my blog I wrote on this subject, I am re-posting it again with few updates:

Have you experienced a time when you found out your child has lied to you? Have you noticed a pattern of fibs your son has been telling? Does your daughter try to cover her tracks by lying?

illustration by pinterest.com

What are we to do when we are faced with the possibility that our children are liars, that they do it often and like to do it because it keeps them out of so called trouble or worse yet allows them to manipulate others? Do we yell, punish, scream, resort to use of physical means to stop this behavior? Do we sit, talk and maybe get outside sources to help us?

My perspective is let's try talking first. Yelling and screaming only distracts from the real issues and makes the child loose interest and focus. They will not grasp the information you are trying to get across. The message gets lost in the delivery. Our goal is raising honest children.

-sit him or her down, explain in language suitable for their age what the problem is.
-explain what lying is, maybe they really have no real idea.
-give examples don't just say because it is wrong or I don't like it. An example can be lying about where they were.Let them know it's not that you are tracking them or you don't trust them but instead make it clear it's for safety if something were to happen you want to be able to trace their steps.You want to be able to have peace of mind they are in safe places.

illustration by wisieforkids.com

If your child lies to manipulate one person over the other, share that trust is very valuable. That they will want you to trust them so they can do the things they enjoy like visit with friends, stay out later, start to date, join school teams etc...And when they lie, those privileges must be taken away.

If they are younger you should find cartoons or books that can assist with teaching them what lies are. When they see a character they love explain or behave in ways we are trying to teach it makes things a little clearer. 

You may also try to say things like, what if mommy told you we were going to the park but instead we went  grocery shopping. You wouldn't like that, it is a lie and it would make you feel sad.

Language is important. The goal is to get better results and remove poor habits. And let's not forget to acknowledge when the truth has been told. We encourage by acknowledgment and we encourage even when we don't like what we hear the goal again is the truth. What are your thoughts? Have you dealt with these issues already? What tips or tricks can you share with us?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Taking the Time to Review our Progress

illustration complements of the lovely Brittany Josephina 

check her out on twitter @brittanyphina 

This is right up my ally. Every year I do just that, review how far I've come along in the goals I set out for myself at the start of the New Year. In a blink of an eye we now find ourselves in July! What's the first half of 2016 looking like? Are you where you thought you would be? Did you fall behind or get ahead of yourself? Did something get in the way and it is taking you some time to refocus?

I use a few tools to stay grounded, grateful and focused. These really work for me, especially when I look at my To Do list and see I have yet to cross anything off. As you guys well know my baby #2, my grandma who has Alzheimers always keeps me busy. My down time is actually the time I use to catch up on my own personal things or even just to breathe and do nothing. My visits to Brooklyn are increasing and my responsibilities are also increasing. She now has totally forgotten who I am it's not like before where she had good moments with me and remembered my face now I am a total stranger. I catch her asking the home attendant "who is that lady in the living room?" when I am sitting at her dining table preparing her medication. I smile to myself, walk over and introduce myself then give her a big hug and kiss and thank the universe for giving me the strength to be there for her. 

illustration by en.paperblog.com

Because I have to focus on her needs quite a bit my own goals have been pushed back some but that is ok too. Question #3 is what do I need to release right now? My answer is my wish to control how soon the projects I am working on can take off and really come to life. I have decided to delay my parenting ebook until I can dedicate more time to getting my thoughts together and in the meantime just be happy chatting it up here with you and I am holding off on my photography coffee table book till end of the year. 

Making plans, setting goals and being driven is great nothing wrong with setting things up for ourselves. It only becomes a problem when we begin to beat ourselves up for not getting to a certain place by a certain time. I use the following to stay on track:

-a pencil, as funny as that sounds it allows me to erase the date I have put on myself to reach a goal. It gives me room to adjust and not feel like I have failed.

-daily recap, it's a great way to end your evening. Once you have settled down just before you close your eyes think of all the good you did in your day not what you left to do for tomorrow.

-walk, even if its to grab the kids from school. Use that time to slow down and breathe and take in your surroundings. There are miracles everywhere.

-talking, we do some much of this during our day but what are we saying? Are we talking with people who encourage us to continue to work towards our goals? Are we talking to people who instead see obstacles instead of possibilities?

-laughter and some sweets, when all else fails find something that makes you laugh and enjoy a cup of Ice Cream or candy bar. Tomorrow is a new day and we still have six more months to make things happen! 

illustration by quotesgram.net

What do you think? Did Brittany's questions help you refocus? Did my tips help ease your stress? We are all more alike than different, share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Embracing our "Strong Willed" children

Back to school wow can't accept that Summer is officially over. With a new school year just starting I wanted to touch on something that may come up for some of you.
Ever hear a word and to your ears it feels like a dentist's drill or the eerie chalk board noise that made you cringe? Perhaps if you're like me there are several words. Today I want to chat about the words Strong Willed.

I've been coming across lately more and more posts referring to this trait. How to correct it, how to avoid it, how not to encourage it, how plain ole terrible a child with this trait is or can become. Being a personal blogger who touches on my life's journey as a mom and focuses on Empowering Motivating and Inspiring others I dislike these words together because from their definition just about every one of us, my child and myself included have been or are to some degree...Strong Willed.

For years women especially have had to deal with so many labels. Labels that society and men especially have directed at us in moments when they have felt threatened by dare I say us possibly being their equal. So it pains me to see posts by moms who feel they need help in changing their child.

This is my perspective, your child doesn't need to be changed he or she needs to be disciplined, needs set boundaries, needs to learn how to communicate better and needs to learn respect. As a good parent what we all need to do is find a balance that doesn't diminish our child(rens) independence and curiosity and eagerness for exploration. That is what children do. They test the waters, they question, they want to fend for themselves. We the parents set the limits on the length of that cord.

illustration by mactoons.com

If it were up to my daughter she would have never attended "regular" school. I say regular because now more than ever parents have great options on how to best educate their children. We have home schooling and even un-schooling just to give you some examples. I remember all the chatter about home schooling mostly negative but that is what usually happens when people are not educated about something or even willing to do some research. What works for one doesn't work for all I wish people would get that already.

My daughter has always had strong opinions about classroom education. Even as a child she felt she could learn best by engaging in daily life. It never failed to have her teachers make mention of how she always questioned the "norm" and how she was always the only student in class who didn't just "go along". Well hello thank the heavens above that she has her own thoughts and opinions. Thank the heavens above she is not a follower and thank the heavens above that I am so not ripping into you for disrespecting my daughter...I would be thinking to myself. Instead I just would smile and say "yes we taught her to respect others but never be afraid to speak her peace and for that we are very proud of her". That would shut them down quickly.

My lil mama was and still is a wonderful student, she enjoys learning but she doesn't want to be feed one sided views she wants to explore the whole picture and for that some may say she is Strong Willed I say she is wise and has a healthy approach to life. I wouldn't want to kill the curiosity in her. I wouldn't want to dim her light. Life already does a great job of that on its own. As her mom I continue 21years later to emphasize the importance of respecting others but also to require others to respect her.

illustration by pinterest

If you are a parent of a child who embraces life without a sense of limits be proud and cultivate that spirit. Provide the tools that will help them safely navigate through life. If you have a child who exhibits these same traits but doesn't grasp a sense of balance than perhaps set some ground rules. Teach that certain behaviors have consequences and that we can still be free thinkers without being hurtful or disrespectful to others.

Cheers to being Strong Willed!!!

What are your thoughts? Share your experience and/or tips.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Yes! it's finally Bedtime

Hey dolls, Happy Sunday. Wrapping up August with a revisit to an old post I thought was relevant since school has arrived once again. Summer can be disruptive to a bedtime flow because of the later Sunset and all the fun activities. Getting back into the swing of things can cause stress and anxiety.

 Bedtime for kids can either be fun or full of drama.

You had a long day at work or you have spent your day home with the kid’s one task after another and when 7:30 rolls around all you want to do is say goodnight and have some alone time. But your little one has a different idea. He or she wants you to sit with them. Wants you to sing one more song or read just one more story please please please mommy you hear.

I remember those days very well the following is the routine I used that worked pretty well give or take a few tweaks here and there:

-set a specific bedtime, No excuses no fuss. My daughter and I would begin to get her bed ready about 20 minutes to half hour before bed.
-I'd get book or song together for the night. This would also be the winding down time no more TV, no more food, drinks etc..
-We would prep ourselves for down time. If she chose a song or a story I'd lay next to her and proceed with our quality bedtime wrap up.
-when we were done, we would say good night and share few hugs and kisses, I would dim the lights and put the radio on to a lite station with calming music and that would be that.

illustration by positive-discipline.ca

Now on the nights it didn't go as smoothly due to a cold or bad dream or potty break I would go back in reinforce with a few more kisses and leave quickly again. You cannot engage in long chatter or indulge in their whimpering because if you do, the night will never wrap up.

What is your bedtime routine? What tricks do you use to get your night to end smoothly?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Dream Chasing

Hey Dolls today is my baby #2 (viejita/grandma) 93rd Birth Day! I'm off today so going to lay in the sun for a bit then head out to Brooklyn! to give her a mini celebration. Though I know she is clueless to the importance of this day or any day I just want to acknowledge it. I'll share some pics on my twitter later. As I think of her 93 years and all her possible unfulfilled dreams I want to leave you with these thoughts.

I am always looking for ways to connect to like minded souls who enjoy writing as much as I do and I found a great group of people one of them being the lovely Ashley Coleman over at writelaughdream.com. I just did a great Webinar with her and she shared some great overall tips on ways to get closer to bringing your dreams to life.

She also has a great section on her page that has thought provoking writing prompts that I've decided I want to use in addition to my Brainspark and of course daily life and the news.

I find pleasure in many little things as well as some big things but I am in special bliss in my Photography. While everyone is busy in motion, I am still in observation. While everyone is focused on the main attraction, I am zoomed in on the little details. I've shared in the past my youthful dream to be a National Geographic Photographer. Though that dream for a very long time was stored away in the back of my mind and my life took me on a different road, I am grateful that in this stage of my life I can once again revisit it and see how far I want to go if I still want to go at all.

If you too are in a place where you are reconsidering an old dream maybe you can ask yourself these questions:

-Are you doing something everyday to work towards your dream? For me, the answer is yes. Mobile devices today afford us the luxury of always having a camera handy. I have no excuse not to take a picture or hundreds of pictures. I take photos everyday of many things. Sometimes I'll take fifty to keep four but that's part of the fun. Every day I get closer to where I am meant to be. For you it can be rearranging your work schedule to allow time for you to research or hold meetings.

-What does that look like? For me again, its just constantly taking pictures. Constantly looking around at my surroundings constantly researching information and implementing tips I have learned. For you it can be buying a new sewing machine or new drawing pencils.

-Getting up early, working late? When you have a passion for what you are doing there never seems to be enough time. Getting up early may mean you beat rush hour and get to the gym just in time for that great spinning class that gets your juices flowing or perhaps if your like me, working late so you have no noise around and you are alone in your thoughts. For me night time is so rejuvenating. I research, jot down notes, edit my pictures and go online and look for new places to visit and photograph.

-Are you making certain to make time for your dreams? As parents we make sure our families needs are met always but as mothers sometimes we forget that our own needs must be met as well. Dads somehow find time to do the things that make them happy, it should be no different for us as well. Moms should at least invest half an hour a day minimum on doing something that brings them closer to that forgotten dream. Even if its just something as simple as organizing their weekly planner to include shopping at their favorite craft store. For me its scheduling camera dates and going to photography classes both online and at workshops.

Dream chasing is never a waste of time if you love what you are chasing enough to make it come true. Everyones dreams are different there is no dream to big or to small. There is no right or wrong outcome only your outcome. I may never work for National Geographic I may never get a photograph published but that won't stop me from sharing my work in other ways and from picking up my camera every time I spot something that interests me. That certainly won't stop me from adding to my camera collection. Live your best life, go chase your dreams.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Eliminate the Limits

If we are lucky enough to be close with our children as they enter adulthood then we have access to a whole new way of thinking and a whole new way of approaching life.

Seldom is credit given to the youth and young adults of today. Some adults tend to cast aside their opinions and choices as unrealistic dreams or over confidence even going as far as to say just stick with the program and don't rock the boat. Projecting their fears or disappointments and dropping words such as cockiness or sense of entitlement.

illustration by outrageousgrace.org.

I perceive that there could be some truth to those statements but only if the subject in question has shown you less than. It would be a shame to entertain these thoughts if our children have shown us otherwise. And so what if some of our kids at times have cocky ways at approaching life issues? So what if they at times feel certain things are due to them, isn't that what we want for them to begin with? For our children to feel they can be and do anything?

I never walk away from a conversation with my lil mama without saying "wow, that is my kid. she really said that and meant it." I never leave with a sense of worrisome that she won't be ok in life no matter what path she chooses. By eliminating the limits by never introducing limited thinking we, her parents gave her a freedom that most of us adults have forgotten or just simply set aside as unacceptable.

Oprah once commented on how liberating turning forty was and I remember thinking wow that really is something! We go through so many stages in life and some come with a sense of restriction but being forty-four myself now I can totally understand that freedom. And what I respect the most from that freedom is nurturing my daughters wild and adventurous spirit. I don't want her to have to turn a certain age and feel free. I want her to continue to remain free like she's always been.

illustrated by quoteaddicts.com

I realize the limits my mother set on me and then me on myself. Today I find myself affirming my right to do whatever the heck I want! Yes I can go to a nice dinner...alone, yes I can say no to an invitation, yes I can just sit on my butt all Saturday afternoon and watch repeats of Friends, yes I can shut my phone off and not talk to anyone, yes I can...do whatever I want.

In my awesome conversations with my lil mama I realize that I can still revisit some old ideas and try some things I had set aside during my years of focusing on her. She helps me to see that in supporting her I am supporting myself and that young woman I sheltered so much because of my limited beliefs. I encourage every parent out there to start talking with their kids more often and if you already have awesome talks to continue to nourish them. These great conversations will flourish into great lives and wonderful memories.

Eliminate the Limits!

What are your thoughts? Has adult life closed you into a limited life? Have you started to do the same to your kids?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

How Motherhood may change Us

-You will never get your figure back

-You will always need more sleep

-You may develop bladder problems

-Your house will be a mess

-You will not be interested in sex

-Your boobs will sag

-You will always feel tired and in a bad mood

-You will never have time for yourself

This is only a short list of the few things we women here or have already heard in reference to the changes we will go through upon having a baby. Just on our Social Media alone we see share after share on body expectations, nursing expectations, beauty expectations so much pressure that it seems the joy is lost. Seems like to some degree women continue to focus on the negatives and not the positives once the baby is home from the hospital.

illustration by corcell.com

Women let's join together to change our perspective and the perspective of this sometimes unbalanced society we live in after all we did just bring another Human Being into this world.
Let's try instead to prepare for these possible changes in the following way:

• Once we are able to walk around, let’s go for walks with the baby. This will help with weight loss in a healthy manner, it will help you get out the house and even meet other new moms.
• If sleep issues arise, nap when baby naps.
• For sagging breast prevention purchase the proper support.
• Recruit friends and family to help with home care if needed. Learn time management. Babies don't need to be held all day long so break down your chores accordingly. Organization and time management are critical to smooth parenting.
• If you need to schedule time with your partner, do it. Once you have recuperated and doctor says all is fine, begin to share intimate moments with your partner at a pace you feel comfortable with. But don't begin to neglect your relation. It is not healthy for either one of you, and intimacy is more than just sex.
• When the baby is sleeping, napping or just relaxing take some time for yourself to just relax as well. Don’t always use this time to catch up on other things or to complete tasks. Even twenty minutes of just sitting can refresh you.
• YOU ARE NOT A BAD PARENT IF YOU NEED TIME FOR YOURSELF.  Again recruit trusted people in your life to come in and relieve you of the baby for half hour or an hour and go out and do things alone. You will both be better off for it.

illustration by momjunction.com

Can you think of other ways we can remove the negative energy and embrace the changes in a positive light? How did you deal with your changes or how do you think you will deal with the changes when the time comes? Share your views.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

I'll get to that Later

illustration by amberdugger.com

I can't really say I remember ever being the type of person to put something off in hopes that it will

 a) get better

 b) figure itself out

 c) go away entirely

Even as a young kid I'd rush home and get my homework done just to get it out of the way. In the summer time I would get my assignments done right after school finished just so I wouldn't waste my vacation time. In H.S. I'd hand in my work ahead of time so I wouldn't get in trouble if and when I cut class. As an adult I always finish things before the deadline and I never let anything pile up at home.

illustration by klwightman.com

I just can't function well with clutter in my mind or in my space. So when I see someone who knows that pushing something aside will only make things worse I cringe. I turn my nose up, I roll my eyes, I shake my head in judgment. I know I know not cool Mari, not cool. On the bright side though as I am doing these things I am also asking questions that could change everyone's perspective. As parents especially with all we have going on we can't afford clutter of any kind. Not to mention our kids pick up on our habits as well and last thing we need is two or three procrastinators in the same house.

-shut off social media

-make a list

-research

-face the facts

-breathe

illustration by pritibha.guru.com

Once you tackle the issue you will see it wasn't so bad after all if in the end it will bring your life peace, happiness and plenty of free time.

What are your thoughts, is it best to put things off or to get to them now? Have you ever had a problem that corrected itself on its own and if so care to share? 

Always stress free xo,

Mari

The Look of Success

When I...I will have achieved success.

Filling in those blanks has so many possibilities. As we mature we realize that the Look of Success is not the same for all. That you and five of your friends started with one vision and all six of you ended up on totally different roads.

Seeing others around you accomplishing their goals should never make you feel less than. Watching them continue to succeed should inspire you to test your skills and your talents and find your own success. But what does success look like to you? Did you know from an early age or did it find you after years of struggles?

My view of success seems to change every few years. Today what I deem as success I would have viewed as a failure in my youth. What makes me feel successful today can look to some as just being regular. I wonder, is being regular a bad thing? Just what is being regular? Hummm something to think about anyway back to success.

illustration by iheartinspiration.com

I use to think that in order for me to be successful aside from the obvious financial factors I would have had to acquire certain material things. The big house, the big yard, the latest car, lots of travel and an awesome social life. Those things sound and I am sure can be nice but they aren't success to me, not anymore. I have known people who have this and more and are miserable. The house no matter how big and how full of "things" it is is still not a home still not good enough and still doesn't bring them joy.

summer stroll in Brooklyn

I live in a city many people dream of visiting or living in, New York City. I was born and raised in a borough with a colorful reputation, Brooklyn. Having my mom and her family choose this place was a success. I didn't go to college but the jobs I've held have allowed me the freedom to invest quality time with the things I love the most. I've turned every apartment I've lived in into my "homes". They have been filled not with knick knacks but with treasures. Every little thins has meaning and value. This has been success to me.

Diving into a good book, going to work, taking a Saturday afternoon nap, living mindfully, going sightseeing with my daughter, volunteering with kids or at the food pantry, learning from my failures and still walking tall, my writing, my photography, putting my daughter through college, assisting my grandma on her life's journey success success success.

illustration by pepper gang.com

How do you define your success? What has changed for you and what has remained the same? Do you currently see yourself as successful and if so how did you arrive there? Start a conversation, would love to her your thoughts.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Co-Sleeping, Yes or No?

Hey everyone, I am revisiting this post I did some time ago because I heard a disturbing story on the radio last week that touched on kids sleeping with their parent(s), specifically what age is too old for them to climb into bed with you.

I originally posted this back in 2013!
I ran into this article today and it peaked my interest with a topic I've thought about for a while.This article in the Stir about Co-Sleeping (click for the link) speaks on parents, especially mothers, sleeping with their babies. Ms. Velez gives us a breakdown of the pros of this arrangement. In reading this article, I was brought back to the following;

I was having a casual conversation the other day with some mommies and one of them bought up that her spouse was mad at her because their three year old climbed into bed a few nights before and she let her stay and that its been happening every night ever since.

illustration by get-your-baby-to-sleep.com

I listened carefully then asked her how helpful did she believe she was really being to her little girl’s bed time issues and to her connection with her spouse. She looked at me in surprise. I proceeded to suggest and explain that I see no good ever in children sleeping in their parent’s bed. Regardless of the issue, especially, at the age of three. If the child feels scared or is ill I suggest you go into their space and soothe them by expressing how things will be fine and so on. Your bedroom is your private space with your mate. It should never become a “family” room. There is a difference between let’s gather and watch a movie and let me sleep with my parents. Parents should set boundaries; it will benefit them in the long run.

illustration by pinterest

This is me today!

The story I heard a few days ago on the radio referenced to an eleven year old boy who's parents had recently divorced and apparently he was having issues sleeping. He would go into his mother's room and climb into bed with her and she was totally cool with it. Many listeners said absolutely no way, a few said perhaps she was missing her x and the son was filling the empty space and a few said it was ok until they both got use to their new lives. My perspective is, he is eleven. If he is feeling sad, lonely, anxious etc...have him come into your room that is ok but make it like a sleep over and put down some blankets etc so he can sleep on the floor or sleeping bag. 

Sure some of us watch television or talk and hang out with our older kids in our beds but to sleep with them after a certain age I think is way too much. I would even go as far as giving them my bed and I'll sleep on the blankets and/or sleeping bag if sense of security is what you need. 

What do you think? Is Co-Sleeping something you would do in your home? What is an appropriate age for your child(ren) to still sleep with you? Does your response change whether you are single or married? Please share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Becoming a Better Listener

Good Morning, hope all my dolls are doing well. We are all still trying to figure out how to deal with all these events taking place one after another. Seems the abundance of hate is never ending. These days have got me thinking about some stuff.

I have a real bad habit and I just can't seem to shake it. I constantly interrupt when I'm in a deep conversation. Not because I don't care about what you are saying, not because I want to "win" simply because I am impatient. This has been a problem for me for many years and it wasn't until I started to practice Mindfulness, Yoga and Meditation that I was able to acknowledge that character defect. I was able to say out loud "lady you have a problem".

When you know better you do better, it doesn't mean you won't have slip ups it just means you can catch yourself faster so you can correct the behavior and stay on track.

illustration by azquotes.com

Lately I have had some major fails, I chalk it up to having a lot on my plate but that isn't an excuse. We all have tons of responsibilities to juggle and that shouldn't cover up poor behavior. I've had to apologize on a few occasions which I'm not to happy about. Not the apologizing part, if I'm wrong I'm wrong but about having to apologize in the first place when all that was required was for me to slow down and practice what I have learned.

The following are a few things I learned through my research and try to practice daily...

-listen as if your life depended on it. If you try this you will see that rushing to get your say in can really wait after all. No one is rushing towards death.

-listen without already have a response in mind. When you do this you aren't paying attention to the other persons feelings.

-make eye contact. When you look someone in eyes you can have empathy because you can see the emotions they are feeling as they speak. You can also stay present and focused.

-create a "safe" environment. Shut the gadgets off, sit in a quiet place. Distractions are harmful to great communication.

-love & respect. Remind yourself the goal is a resolution. You want to walk away with clarity and not build more confusion. 

These are the most frequent ones I use but the link I am sharing has a broader list and explanations. It may help you next time you don't do your best to listen and behave like a jerk as I have recently. Baby steps one day at a time we are all a work in progress and we can only correct ourselves.

lonerwolf.com

illustration by pinterest.com

What poor communication skill(s) do you have that keep causing you trouble? What tools are you using to try to get better?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Establishing Rules for our Children

Hey everyone! Can you believe we are midway through July? Summer gives way to parents loosening up on some of there daily routines I thought I'd revisit one of my favorite topics, House Rules.

Rules should...

• be tested, broken and amended accordingly. 
• nothing should be followed blindly or set in stone.

This is part of our kids journeys as they grow up but parents, let’s make things easier on ourselves. We need to learn to establish and stick to the rules we set and amend them when needed and as our children get older.

illustration by pinterest.com

These were some of my house rules:

• Homework is always first, then playtime.
• Must have breakfast every morning
• Bedtime was 8 pm, after 6th grade it increased by an hour.
• Sleepovers were only allowed if I knew the parent and had visited their home at some point, even if to drop off for a play date. This was amended as my daughter became a teen.
• No last minute request to stay over at friends house or to go visit a friends house, period. Always required ample time to gather all information.
• No friends in the room with door closed. This rule was amended after 6th grade.

Lil mama and I speak on this often and she comments about how necessary rules are even when our kids rebel. She states how grateful she was for having them because they kept her focused and out of trouble.

Do you feel that the same rules apply across the board at all ages and for all things? Are there rules with no exceptions?

illustration by indietabletop.net

My perspective is we must embrace flexibility, allow our children the right to question our rules and express their feelings on them. Nothing is set in stone and each child is different so for the best outcomes we should be willing to compromise.

Are there rules with no exceptions? What are some of your rules? Do you recall the rules your parents had for you and how are they different or the same for your child(ren)?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

License to Kill, Literally

Peace and Love on this Sunday morning.

illustration by quotesgram.com

It has been an extremely sad week for Humanity but is it really anything new? And the fact that I can so easily think that isn't that even sadder?

Alton Sterling

Akai Gurley

Tanisha Anderson

Dante Parker

Sandra Bland

Rumain Brisbon

Jerame Reid

Tony Robinson

Philando Castile

Phillip White

Walter Scott

Freddie Gray

Tamir Rice

Michael Brown, Jr.

John Crawford III

Eric Garner

Dontre Hamilton

Trayvon Martin

Tanisha Anderson

Malissa Williams

Yvette Smith

Miriam Carey

Shelly Frey

Darnisha Harris

Shantel Davis

Rekia Boyd

Shareese Francis

Aiyana Stanley Jones age 7!

Tarika Wilson

This is a list of names of African American people killed by police officers, with the exception of one in the last eight years! This is a random listing not a specific breakdown of for example 2015 which is over 900 and of 2016 which last I read was past 50. One too many names on this list one too many lives carelessly taken away, simply because their lives didn't matter to those that pulled the trigger.

I'm not going to invest energy on trying to sway anyone's mind on what life matters the most...ALL LIVES MATTER. Everyone wants to go home to their families. We are all the same we just come in different shades. This conversation is about racism across the board but because of the in your face White Cop vs Person of Color at the other end of that gun we can no longer hide from the truth.

If you can't admit that something is systematically wrong with our Law Enforcement across the board then you are living under a rock or you are part of the problem. If you can't admit that racism still affects many things today still you are part of the problem.

In one week we saw two African American men get killed by the police and then we saw five police officers loose their lives as well because one African American man got feed up with the injustice and brutality that people of color have suffered for years. We don't know these officers, we don't know if they were corrupt or if they honored the code to Serve and Protect all. We just know they serve as a symbol of pent up anger, frustration and pain.

illustration by pinterest

All these people had people who loved them, who will miss and cry for them for a long time to come. Fathers, Mothers, Sisters, Brothers, somebody's Somebody!

Racism exists it hasn't gone away or eased up it's just presented to us in different forms and some of us just go along with the program. A police officer "joking" about he would have shot Philando Castile five times instead of four on his Face Book page isn't funny, it's a blatant disregard of a HUMAN LIFE.

Being upset at Jesse Williams for speaking the truth from his perspective, experience and history is disrespectful to a vast majority of people. These experiences aren't made up, they aren't a movie Steven Spielberg put together or a book that George R. R. Martin wrote they are history.

Jesse Williams speech full video here: variety.com
Jesse Williams speech transcript here: time.com
Officer Jones FB share: huffingtonpost

taking it to back in the days...
Lynching in America: washingtonpost.com

For way too long the practice of hiding behind "authority", having a legal License to Kill and having a certain skin color has been the only requirement to trample over people thought of as lesser than. For way too long people have wanted to continue to deny the wrongs in the past and behave as if they have no merit in our current lives but how can they not when we turn on the television or log onto our Social Media and see otherwise?

Africans were taken away from their land, forced to work for others, beaten, raped and killed. Told they were property and treated like nothing. Spent years and years going from being called one name to another generation after generation trying to receive the basics of life. Protested, marched, boycotted and fought still to really get nothing. My parents come from the Dominican Republic, I have dark skin. There were slaves where my parents come from, we are all connected.

illustration by quotes.lifehack.org

Today you allow us to play "your sports" because we make you money. Today certain people of color are more acceptable than others. Today still in some way or some how we should "know our place" You want to get as dark as me so you go to a tanning salon, you want to inject your a** with God knows what because of the girl in the video, you want to be like me as Jesse said "like a costume".

If you are not enraged by these events, if your heart isn't broken by all the blood shed, if you can't picture this happening to you again...you are part of the problem. Every time my daughter goes out now with her best friends I have to fear they will get stopped as they have in the past simply for being Young African American and Latino kids. Every time they go to visit their other friends in other certain neighborhoods they get stopped and asked what business they have there. Are you serious, what business? In New York City where so much diversity is the norm? You are stopping kids because you think they don't belong in that neighborhood? Kids that don't look like you terrify you?

So now that five White Police Officers have been killed, what are we going to do? Is the License to Kill mentality going to remain the same? Are we finally going to be heard? Are we finally going to see changes or do more people have to die? Does your kid have to be the one to come home and share with you a scary encounter with someone who thought they were threatening in order for you to take part in this conversation? Tamir Rice could have been anyone's son. All our kids have played or play in the park with swords or play guns or what have you in their hands.

illustration by quotesgram.com

This is a Humanity problem not just Black Lives, Blue Lives White Lives, Brown Lives or whatever other hashtags pop up on Social Media. This is a Humanity problem because until we all view one another as equal racism and injustice will never go away.

Again I urge mothers to stand together to view everyone's child as their child and image the pain of not having them around. I can't even imagine my daughter being gone just because her skin is not white and someone felt threatened by her so they deemed her disposable. I can't imagine why anyone would be viewed disposable because of the color of their skin Period.

Let's start talking and educating ourselves. Let's start demanding that those who swear to Protect and Serve us get better training and form better relationships in the communities they patrol. Share your thoughts, experiences and ideas.

Always stress free and more today with love xo,
Mari

What does your Peace look like?

Happy Sunday! As I watered my plants this morning and smiled as I walked about a memory came to mind I wanted to share. Enjoy this glorious day dolls :)

On my walk the other night I stopped and sat on a bench and observed these two little girls, twin sisters playing on the grass. Their parents sat some distance away which allowed them some independence but still close enough to offer protection. They had the same outfits on which were cute but I don't like the identical look thing personally so I had to take a moment to refocus on why I had stopped in the first place. They sat on the grass pulling handfuls out and placing it inside their baskets. They got up and rolled round barefoot than sat again and started again. No rush, no cares just their buckets, their hands and each other. I made sure I told the parents how happy watching their daughter's play made me and they smiled from ear to ear. When they walked away I began to think...

What does my Peace look like? I feel most peaceful when I'm on my walks or on my Yoga mat. Those are the moments when my mind is free of clutter and every breath brings clarity. I feel like a bird must feel in flight.

How are you maximizing that moment? I've learned to maximize those moments by letting go and just being.

What do you need to let go of, or add more of to obtain peace? I'd like to let go more of those moments when I look back at past events and wonder about a different outcome but I realize it's part of the process of growth. We should acknowledge those feelings and work through them then move on.

What does your Peace look like? Is it a specific place or thing? Is it a memory or is it something you are having difficulty reaching? Share and let's talk.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

What You think of me doesn't Cloud what I think of me

She's fat, she's too skinny, she's lazy, she's disorganized, she's a whore, she's a prude, she's a gold digger, she's boring, she's a bitch, she's a pushover, she's a control freak, she lets people walk all over her. You got a small glimpse of me and now you think you know me.

 The same list of assumptions could be tweaked and directed at a man in the end daily there are people walking around looking at us and making up their own stories about who we are. Are you going to allow their version of your story to be your truth? Are you going to cower down or stand tall and keep doing you?

Investing time and energy into trying to correct someone's thoughts of who we are only starts to slow us down and becomes a burden of unnecessary weight to carry. On most days its just a deflection on the part of those people and what they have going on in their own lives.

illustration by plus.google.com

When I began to Meditate and began to hold myself accountable for how I was communicating with others the words I heard most often were "think you better than". I would have to stop myself and ask where that was coming from I was simply changing some of my old behaviors and making better choices for me. I had to in time accept that not everyone wants you to succeed and if they are down they want you down right next to them. I had to begin to cut those ties that were clipping my wings.

How can we walk proud in who we are when others say or think something different?

Well first we must begin by looking in the mirror. Is that person staring back at you ashamed of their actions, of who they currently are? If you live long enough, and our elders do tell us, that you will have made some mistakes but those mistakes don't have to make you. On any given day we can start again, do something different to get on the right track.
Once we do that our next thought should be about perception. We all see things differently, experience things in a variety of ways. Go to a movie with a few friends and you will see exactly that come into play.

illustration by pinterest.com

What you think of me doesn't cloud what I think of me. Be comfortable in your own skin, look within and present your best self.

Perception is individual and derives from our current emotions. Feeling positive than your eyes see only beauty, feeling like crap then your eyes only see gloom.

What you think of me doesn't cloud what I think of me. Focus on constant evolution and block out the unnecessary noise.

What are your thoughts? Does what others think of you matter more or less? Does it help you become better or does it keep you focused on the negative? Leave your comments, lets chat.

illustrations by quotes.com

Always stress free xo, 

Mari