Sunday, November 27, 2016

Is there room for a But when we say I Love you?

One Holiday down and one more to go. Happy Sunday my dolls how did we survive the Turkey dinner and out of town guests? Was it pleasant and peaceful or did it bring up old wounds? Family gatherings can be a mixed bowl for sure.

I had a great no fuss no muse time, everyone chipped in and cooked something, lots of laughs and awesome company. A variety of topics were touched throughout the night but one in particular seemed to be the theme amongst the "older" peeps. Relationships. I love this topic of course because there are just so many views. No one is right or wrong it is just about perspective and the place you are currently in life.

Sweetheart that dress looks great on you but I think you would look better in this dress.

Has that ever happened to you? Your significant other "loves" your choice but "suggests" something else? I use to take that as a slight on my choice or to myself personally. It wasn't until I matured and learned to engage better in relationships that I realized it wasn't a reflection specifically on or about me at all but instead just a preference.

Now objects are certainly different than traits or behavior and one must always keep that in mind when dealing with the phrase "I love you as you are" because if we don't then we can find ourselves in conflict. Where am I going with? Well let me explain.

illustration by yourtango

As a mom I love my daughter regardless but it would be a lie to say that if her behavior was poor, disrespectful and perhaps even dangerous I could say without hesitation I Love you as you are. Surely I would love her none the less but I would take measures to correct those things that were distasteful. Same is to be said for a partner.

Of course when we first fall in love little things don't seem to matter and we just brush them off. As you continue to build though there comes a time when a check list should be made.
-Can I live with this?
-Can I tolerate that?
-Will she change this?
-Will he stop doing that?

From my pasts relationships I've learned a few things one being that the outside is easy to fix, adjust or even change but its the inside that is complicated. My daughter's father was great at compromises when it came to semi insignificant things but when it came to life decisions, maturity and responsibility we were on two totally different pages. We swore we loved each other but as the years passed certain behaviors never changed. That I Love you just the way you are became harder and harder to work with.

In my second relationship all those past issues were non factors, no need to even think about those things that once caused me such disappointment. This time around the frame was much stronger and the commonalities were much more visible. A few minor adjustments here and there but the I Love you as you are seemed to be in full effect until it wasn't. Again the outside is easier to fix than the inside.

illustration by askteekay

I am a believer of Romance and Love. I know there is someone out there for everyone. I am not a believer of Fairytales. The notion of Loving someone as they are with no exceptions from my perspective is unrealistic and perhaps even a burden to all parties involved.

So is there room for a But when you say I love you? Should we accept that our future husband or life partner is short tempered when deprived of sleep? Should it become the norm that your wife won't allow your friends over the house? Will it be acceptable that your partner speaks loudly on his phone conversations in the street? Will you not have a problem with the house being kept in certain order?

Whatever the issues may be big or small clarity is a must. This doesn't just pertain to intimate relationships. If you have a friend whose behavior changes after a second drink, do you not make a comment? If your Girlfriend is too quick to hand out her number, do you not pull her aside and say something? If your son always breaks his promises, do you continue to let him not be a man of his word?

illustration by ariherstandbandcamp

Compromises... yes totally for it! I Love you as you are But... yes can totally understand and work with, I Love you as you are perspective is I don't believe in it.
I love Billy Joel! Do you love Billy Joel? His career is full of great lyrics and songs but one of my favorites since I was about five years old is "Just the Way You Are". The lyrics suggest that he will accept you just as you are PERIOD. Imagine how wonderful that must have sounded to five year old Mari and to twelve year old Mari but to twenty something year old Mari? Nahhhhh. Ok let me perhaps rethink this again?

What do you think? Am I just jaded in my experiences? Have you found someone that you love just as they are? Does someone love you just as you are? Is I Love you as you are But a legitimate thing?

The romantic in me wants to share my fav Billy Joel song, enjoy!

Always stress free xo,


  1. Here's another one MARI! You continue to push the envelope in the "hummmmmmm" quadrant. "BUT" is a must no matter what, especially when considering a long term partnership. I enjoyed the scenarios again you had me at"hummmmm" thank you for helping me see things from a woman's perspective as we deal with each other in any relationship. Enjoy your holiday season with your daughter I wish you great health and much success in the new year, I enjoy your work.

    1. John first I'd like to express my gratitude for visits and comments. Your support is appreciated. Always my goal and intention to provoke thinking. Communication is always key in all connections so starting great talks is a nice aim. Glad to have a males point of view.

  2. I totally agree. I find that we can love unconditionally.. BUT in every day life - we also need compromise. It doesn't mean you love them any less - in fact I find that it is by loving the person - you can add in the but. :) Thanks for sharing Mari!
    Em || The Gratitude Butterfly

    1. Em thanks for visit glad you enjoyed the read. I like that "loving them and adding the but!" :) Hope you drop by again soon

  3. I must be honest, Mari. I am still working on accepting that anyone can love or like me, but not think any less of me when suggestions are made. This all goes back to my self-esteem though (which I've gotten better with over the years). So, for me, to hear suggestions is affirming my thought that something is wrong with me. Any who, I digress. Can you love someone and accept them as they are? I think several conversations need to happen prior to getting really serious. Boundaries and expectations should be made clear. The problem though is that people do change over time. So, these conversations need to continue. We should know what we can and cannot handle, but also be realistic in knowing that everyone has something to work on (including us). Thanks for sharing!

    1. JaQuette welcome and thanks for visit and comments. This is indeed a topic that needs constant dialogue. Love is ever changing as are we so only right to keep lines of communication open so those we love can grow and learn along with us. Appreciate your honesty. Chat soon :)


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