In Relationships, what matters most Stability or Potential?

The topic of Love and building relationships keeps coming up lately in a lot of my social groups. Most recently last night at a Divine Release Party I attend. More on that at another time. But things were bought up in reference to what is being looked for, accepted of and expected of. This pushed me into tackling the all important question...in building a long term relationship do we focus on Stability or Potential?

I recently took part in a great conversation with two beautiful women in two different age groups I made three. We were catching up on our latest goings on and dating came up. One just recently started talking to an old college friend. The other is dating two people everything is out in the open and I'm low key dating here and there but nothing serious.

The talking to first date went well she shared. Lots of conversation and clarity and the focus is on getting to know one another and sex is off the table because one party is practicing celibacy until right person comes along. Things look promising but doesn't want to rush and get her hopes too high. This person is a little scattered , knows what he wants but just hasn't grabbed hold of it yet. Talking to is willing to see how things play out.

illustration by refe99.com

Dating two people is feeling uneasy. Things are starting to develope and more feelings are getting involved. She's starting to see it's time to make a decision. Her decision is does she go with the person who is stable, has things going for them already and isn't too emotional or does she go with the one who shows great potential, is kind, loving and considerate?

Me...talking to/dating lots of potential. Mostly clear and going in the right direction great chemistry, lots of fun very loving but the timing might be off.

So put all those things together and the discussion was bound to be eye opening and educational.

We all agreed that clarity was a most. We also agreed that communication from the start was and would be crucial to any positive outcome and we also agreed that no one has the energy to invest their time only to feel like it had been wasted later on.

What we disagreed on was the level of Potential we were willing to invest our time and energy on. Seeing potential, showing potential and working with the potential presented to us.

Oddly enough the youngest in the group said she had no more time to waste on potential, she couldn't build or bank on something that wasn't tangible any time soon. The second oldest said she wasn't to keen on this whole potential thing playing out for too long either and I was more easy going on it.

illustration by jimmymccarty

I played devil's advocate and pleaded a case on behalf of Potential. How great it could be to watch someone grow into their greatness and be part of that journey. How sometimes we have to give great things time to develope, they weren't having it. I shared my relationship experiences with them and they reminded me that because that was my experience in the past at this stage in my life Potential would be a total waste of time.

I hate to admit it but I sort of agree with them. I'm totally against even connecting with a someone who is trying to figure themselves out but more and more I'm also not to interested in investing much of my time on Potential. I feel because I am so clear on the path I want to walk on that building with a person on their Potential path might slow me down.

I'm thinking there is an age limit on this Stability vs Potential relationship building? What do you think? Would you consider implementing a time limit if you did choose Potential or is Stability the only way to go? Share your thoughts. I'd love to know what you think and for you to share examples of how to deal with this issue in my dating journey.

illustration by picturequotes.com

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Is there room for a But when we say I Love you?

One Holiday down and one more to go. Happy Sunday my dolls how did we survive the Turkey dinner and out of town guests? Was it pleasant and peaceful or did it bring up old wounds? Family gatherings can be a mixed bowl for sure.

I had a great no fuss no muse time, everyone chipped in and cooked something, lots of laughs and awesome company. A variety of topics were touched throughout the night but one in particular seemed to be the theme amongst the "older" peeps. Relationships. I love this topic of course because there are just so many views. No one is right or wrong it is just about perspective and the place you are currently in life.

Sweetheart that dress looks great on you but I think you would look better in this dress.

Has that ever happened to you? Your significant other "loves" your choice but "suggests" something else? I use to take that as a slight on my choice or to myself personally. It wasn't until I matured and learned to engage better in relationships that I realized it wasn't a reflection specifically on or about me at all but instead just a preference.

Now objects are certainly different than traits or behavior and one must always keep that in mind when dealing with the phrase "I love you as you are" because if we don't then we can find ourselves in conflict. Where am I going with? Well let me explain.

illustration by yourtango

As a mom I love my daughter regardless but it would be a lie to say that if her behavior was poor, disrespectful and perhaps even dangerous I could say without hesitation I Love you as you are. Surely I would love her none the less but I would take measures to correct those things that were distasteful. Same is to be said for a partner.

Of course when we first fall in love little things don't seem to matter and we just brush them off. As you continue to build though there comes a time when a check list should be made.
-Can I live with this?
-Can I tolerate that?
-Will she change this?
-Will he stop doing that?

From my pasts relationships I've learned a few things one being that the outside is easy to fix, adjust or even change but its the inside that is complicated. My daughter's father was great at compromises when it came to semi insignificant things but when it came to life decisions, maturity and responsibility we were on two totally different pages. We swore we loved each other but as the years passed certain behaviors never changed. That I Love you just the way you are became harder and harder to work with.

In my second relationship all those past issues were non factors, no need to even think about those things that once caused me such disappointment. This time around the frame was much stronger and the commonalities were much more visible. A few minor adjustments here and there but the I Love you as you are seemed to be in full effect until it wasn't. Again the outside is easier to fix than the inside.

illustration by askteekay

I am a believer of Romance and Love. I know there is someone out there for everyone. I am not a believer of Fairytales. The notion of Loving someone as they are with no exceptions from my perspective is unrealistic and perhaps even a burden to all parties involved.

So is there room for a But when you say I love you? Should we accept that our future husband or life partner is short tempered when deprived of sleep? Should it become the norm that your wife won't allow your friends over the house? Will it be acceptable that your partner speaks loudly on his phone conversations in the street? Will you not have a problem with the house being kept in certain order?

Whatever the issues may be big or small clarity is a must. This doesn't just pertain to intimate relationships. If you have a friend whose behavior changes after a second drink, do you not make a comment? If your Girlfriend is too quick to hand out her number, do you not pull her aside and say something? If your son always breaks his promises, do you continue to let him not be a man of his word?

illustration by ariherstandbandcamp

Compromises... yes totally for it! I Love you as you are But... yes can totally understand and work with, I Love you as you are PERIOD...my perspective is I don't believe in it.
I love Billy Joel! Do you love Billy Joel? His career is full of great lyrics and songs but one of my favorites since I was about five years old is "Just the Way You Are". The lyrics suggest that he will accept you just as you are PERIOD. Imagine how wonderful that must have sounded to five year old Mari and to twelve year old Mari but to twenty something year old Mari? Nahhhhh. Ok let me perhaps rethink this again?

What do you think? Am I just jaded in my experiences? Have you found someone that you love just as they are? Does someone love you just as you are? Is I Love you as you are But a legitimate thing?

The romantic in me wants to share my fav Billy Joel song, enjoy!

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Is this Your Season of Love?

Happy Sunday loves! Was at a Freestyle Concert last night so my day started a little late lol. Hope everyone is feeling great today about to do or already doing something that they love which leads me right to this question...
Is this Your Season of Love?

Are you familiar with this poem?

illustration by itunstore

I first became aware of this poem back in H.S. it was given to me in form of a beautiful card by my BFF Virginia at a time I was really feeling crappy. She also happens to be the one who spoke to me about Meditation back when it wasn't a "thing"to do. Any, she gives me this awesome card with my favorite candy bar Snickers and says " Mari, enjoy the candy and read the card slowly and carefully. Don't rush." I said ok sure but what did I do? I rushed. I didn't grasp its message. I wasn't mindful of the words. But as careless as I was then I still always carried it with me somehow at least the words Season Reason or a Lifetime.

I'm focusing on Love today and on anyone who may be feeling a little lonely and lost. We are entering Winter soon, Fall is in the air crisp nights less time outside our homes perhaps or a time of year we are fixated on our relationship statuses. Depression sets in because of the time change and how our emotions connect with light and darkness. We perhaps are yearning to be close to someone.

So how do we invite that into our space? How do we prepare for this Season?

My perspective is we can't invite anything in if we haven't let go of things that may be blocking us. Old habits or thoughts, routines that no longer work, bitter feelings about something in our past.

I personally use the change in seasons to do mini cleanups and try new things. This season I am making use of joining Meet Up.com more. I've mentioned them in a recent post I Dreamt of Spiders and so far all the groups I have joined and activities I've taken part of have been very rewarding. My most recent event was a Haunted Trail Halloween event at Fort Totten Park in Queens, New York. It was fantastic! I was scared out of my mind but had so many laughs and the people around me were so much fun. Inviting good in while surrounding yourself with good vibes.

illustration by quotesideas

That is what life is all about, Inviting what we want to join you on your journey. Getting out there and engaging in activities that will bring you to who knows...that special someone? But even if it doesn't love is not just worth having in a romantic form, love is life in general. When you love life it shows, you shine brightly and your energy is so strong and vibrant everyone wants to be around you.

Now that we are clear on the invitation part, where do we start?

How about we try...

-joining something like Meet Up.com where you can find groups that share your same interest

-revamp your living space so it feels more cozy and loving

-get a mini makeover don't just wait for Spring and Summer

-pick up your phone and make that call, don't wait make the first move

-be clear about what you want and set it free

-walk in the path of acceptance, you will be surprised at where your blessings will come from

Is this Your Season of Love? YES IT IS!!!

I will be doing all of the above and more because I don't just want to stop at a Season I want a Lifetime. How about you? What will you be doing to Invite love in your life? What have you done already to get things started. Share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

The Benefits of Play Dates for kids and the Grown Ups

This was my Saturday post. I wrote this as I sat getting my hair done. I didn't post it last night because I was still in Birthday celebration mode. None the less I wanted to share this because I felt it is something that merits discussion.

As I write this I am at the Hair Salon with about 5 little ones running around. Needless to say I am not very happy.

For the most part all these women know one another so I thought...

What a great way to start setting up some play dates.

Why not call each other up a few days before and set up a time and place to drop off the little ones while the moms go and get all dolled up?

I enjoy my time at the Salon, it’s ME time. I read, write, hear stories, and listen to music sometimes even get a Mani or Pedi.

During this time I really don't want to hear or see kids crying, screaming, whining, running, playing or getting diaper changes.

This is not selfish this is totally doable and reasonable.

Mommies, lets help one another...

Play dates remember that and use them.

All about living stress free.

What are some others places that inspire Play date thoughts?

My so and so WON’T let me…

I set out to write a blog about ALL things motherhood related. This includes and goes without say being a Woman first, at least it does to me.

I was reading through my Café Mom groups posts over the weekend and came across a post with the title “My Husband won’t let me…” I had to pause, take a deep breath, and remember to respect others and then come back and finish reading the post.

“Won’t let me” is a strong statement. It is authoritative and brings to mind one person governing another to some degree or level.

I can’t wrap my mind around one adult saying that to another adult.

I was born, raised by my parents, taught life lessons to carry in life and became an adult. I met a wonderful man, built a family and raised an amazing young woman. Never in that journey did I sign up for him to Let me do anything.
When you decide to share your life with someone, it is a union to add, to build, to encourage to strengthen not to rule, dictate, suppress or belittle. What we both have to say matters, what we both feel has validation. We communicate and compromise not bend to one another’s wishes.

Same thing goes for how we chose to raise our daughter.
If that is the deal, then I am not signing up for it.

Words matter, make a difference and insight reaction. How can I as a female and a mother serve as a role model to my child/children if I am not validated as an individual, especially in my own home and relation.
Granted as parents there are things we don’t allow our children to do be it due to age or circumstances but we, I should hope, are aware that these restrictions have limitations. There will come a day that their own free will kicks in and they follow their own path. I raised a very independent young woman, because I myself am and have always been one and her father is and has always been very encouraging and respectful of this part of us. We never just said no just because. We always tried our best to be age appropriate and fair.

How can I have put in all this work and effort, to have another human being come in and take it away?
 I would love to see and meet the man who would try….
Women…Always hold yourselves in the highest regard!!

What do you think?