Is there room for a But when we say I Love you?

One Holiday down and one more to go. Happy Sunday my dolls how did we survive the Turkey dinner and out of town guests? Was it pleasant and peaceful or did it bring up old wounds? Family gatherings can be a mixed bowl for sure.

I had a great no fuss no muse time, everyone chipped in and cooked something, lots of laughs and awesome company. A variety of topics were touched throughout the night but one in particular seemed to be the theme amongst the "older" peeps. Relationships. I love this topic of course because there are just so many views. No one is right or wrong it is just about perspective and the place you are currently in life.

Sweetheart that dress looks great on you but I think you would look better in this dress.

Has that ever happened to you? Your significant other "loves" your choice but "suggests" something else? I use to take that as a slight on my choice or to myself personally. It wasn't until I matured and learned to engage better in relationships that I realized it wasn't a reflection specifically on or about me at all but instead just a preference.

Now objects are certainly different than traits or behavior and one must always keep that in mind when dealing with the phrase "I love you as you are" because if we don't then we can find ourselves in conflict. Where am I going with? Well let me explain.

illustration by yourtango

As a mom I love my daughter regardless but it would be a lie to say that if her behavior was poor, disrespectful and perhaps even dangerous I could say without hesitation I Love you as you are. Surely I would love her none the less but I would take measures to correct those things that were distasteful. Same is to be said for a partner.

Of course when we first fall in love little things don't seem to matter and we just brush them off. As you continue to build though there comes a time when a check list should be made.
-Can I live with this?
-Can I tolerate that?
-Will she change this?
-Will he stop doing that?

From my pasts relationships I've learned a few things one being that the outside is easy to fix, adjust or even change but its the inside that is complicated. My daughter's father was great at compromises when it came to semi insignificant things but when it came to life decisions, maturity and responsibility we were on two totally different pages. We swore we loved each other but as the years passed certain behaviors never changed. That I Love you just the way you are became harder and harder to work with.

In my second relationship all those past issues were non factors, no need to even think about those things that once caused me such disappointment. This time around the frame was much stronger and the commonalities were much more visible. A few minor adjustments here and there but the I Love you as you are seemed to be in full effect until it wasn't. Again the outside is easier to fix than the inside.

illustration by askteekay

I am a believer of Romance and Love. I know there is someone out there for everyone. I am not a believer of Fairytales. The notion of Loving someone as they are with no exceptions from my perspective is unrealistic and perhaps even a burden to all parties involved.

So is there room for a But when you say I love you? Should we accept that our future husband or life partner is short tempered when deprived of sleep? Should it become the norm that your wife won't allow your friends over the house? Will it be acceptable that your partner speaks loudly on his phone conversations in the street? Will you not have a problem with the house being kept in certain order?

Whatever the issues may be big or small clarity is a must. This doesn't just pertain to intimate relationships. If you have a friend whose behavior changes after a second drink, do you not make a comment? If your Girlfriend is too quick to hand out her number, do you not pull her aside and say something? If your son always breaks his promises, do you continue to let him not be a man of his word?

illustration by ariherstandbandcamp

Compromises... yes totally for it! I Love you as you are But... yes can totally understand and work with, I Love you as you are PERIOD...my perspective is I don't believe in it.
I love Billy Joel! Do you love Billy Joel? His career is full of great lyrics and songs but one of my favorites since I was about five years old is "Just the Way You Are". The lyrics suggest that he will accept you just as you are PERIOD. Imagine how wonderful that must have sounded to five year old Mari and to twelve year old Mari but to twenty something year old Mari? Nahhhhh. Ok let me perhaps rethink this again?

What do you think? Am I just jaded in my experiences? Have you found someone that you love just as they are? Does someone love you just as you are? Is I Love you as you are But a legitimate thing?

The romantic in me wants to share my fav Billy Joel song, enjoy!

Always stress free xo,

Mari

The Lie that is UnConditional Love

Happy Sunday.
We are just days away from Thanksgiving.

I woke this morning with a vivid thought. I may get a little wordy but hope you hang in there.

I can't love UnConditionally because that may cause me internal and external harm. Be it physical, emotional or mental.

Well how shocking of a statement is that, but let's think about this for a moment and let's be open to a different perspective.

What is UnConditional Love? The most common definition is -affection without limitations. Love without conditions. A mother's/Father's Love, complete love even true altruism.
Some people will argue and say that this type of love is the only way to love.

Let's break down what happens to us at times when we "practice" this Love...
with our friends:
-we begin to take back seat in conversations
-we neglect our own feelings
-we stop sharing our good or bad news if it begins to affect how they feel when they hear it
-we make excuses when the connection begins to be one sided
-we become drained with even the thought of their presence

with our partners:
-we begin to take back seat in conversations
-we neglect our own feelings
-we stop sharing our good or bad news if it begins to affect how they feel when they hear it
-we make excuses when the connection begins to be one sided
-we become drained with even the thought of their presence
-things become more and more about external things then about "us" as a unit

with our families:
-we begin to take back seat in conversations
-we neglect our own feelings
-we stop sharing our good or bad news if it begins to affect how they feel when they hear it
-we make excuses that "its family, so what else can you do?"
-we become drained with even the thought of their presence
-we stop growing

with our children:
-we neglect our own needs and comforts
-we neglect our own feelings
-we become consumed with "idea" of perfection
-we sometimes become ill and often walk around in sheer exhaustion
-we feel guilt over feeling disappointment

This is just the basic roller coaster of UnConditional Love.

From my own experience I will share that when I practiced this type of love with my friends, partners and family it left me lost.
It left me feeling beaten, unappreciated and drained. Sometimes I had sense that nothing was good enough, I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't sacrificing enough.
Till slowly events in my life woke me up to otherwise.
I learned that my love was enough, that I was doing enough that I was enough.
The problem was I had no boundaries, no conditions.

picture of sculpture from mighty hike.com

Sculpture by Lorenzo Quinn called Finding Love from the Give & Take collection 

Everything, has a condition.

-you and your employer
-you and your mortgage company
-you and a department store
-you and your business partner

We must realize that in order to give Love we must first truly love ourselves. Just because we set certain expectations whether spoken or not on others in our lives doesn't mean we are selfish.
When your partner treats you poorly and you say nothing, you bottle it up inside. Your so called loving unconditionally yet that negative feeling is building up. When your family takes you for granted and you just go along with it, negativity is building up.
You are hurting yourself, so why would you in a sense love UnConditionally?

I left our love for our children last. I wanted to share my experience.
Though I learned how to deal with others around me later in life from the beginning I set out to build something different with my daughter. I don't know that it was wishful thinking as I was doing it and I perhaps secretly wished it would trickle into other parts of my life but I just did things different.

From the start I loved my daughter with conditions.
I would love her, nurture her, teach her, guide her, support her but with the condition that she would love, respect, communicate and treat me with kindness always.
As she grew, we grew and those conditions grew. As our communication continued and continues to evolve she knows we both have our parts to play in the connection. In this relationship there are limitations. You can't take me for granted as your mom, you can't assume I will just do. Yes I love you and support you but the time I invest in nurturing you and taking care of you must be rewarded with respect, love and kindness in return.

I am blessed to always say I have reaped and continue to reap the rewards of such a setting. I love my daughter deeply and she loves me and we live in such expression daily. We chose to set our intentions so kindness and respect are always present.
My conditions are pretty simple I think, even basic but to many something unimaginable or obtainable.

Communication, again...is the key.
We must express what we want in order to receive it. We must be clear in order to be open.
On this Thanksgiving perhaps it would serve us best if we skipped going shopping after dinner and instead sat around with our loved ones and truly "talked". Were in the moment and showed appreciation. Let them know that the condition for them being in our lives is just this...sitting together talking, showing love giving of our time without setting a timer.

What are your thoughts on UnConditional Love?
Is it wrong to have conditions?
Is it healthy?
Is it possible?

Always stress free xo.