Sunday, November 23, 2014

The Lie that is UnConditional Love

Happy Sunday.
We are just days away from Thanksgiving.

I woke this morning with a vivid thought. I may get a little wordy but hope you hang in there.

I can't love UnConditionally because that may cause me internal and external harm. Be it physical, emotional or mental.

Well how shocking of a statement is that, but let's think about this for a moment and let's be open to a different perspective.

What is UnConditional Love? The most common definition is -affection without limitations. Love without conditions. A mother's/Father's Love, complete love even true altruism.
Some people will argue and say that this type of love is the only way to love.

Let's break down what happens to us at times when we "practice" this Love...
with our friends:
-we begin to take back seat in conversations
-we neglect our own feelings
-we stop sharing our good or bad news if it begins to affect how they feel when they hear it
-we make excuses when the connection begins to be one sided
-we become drained with even the thought of their presence

with our partners:
-we begin to take back seat in conversations
-we neglect our own feelings
-we stop sharing our good or bad news if it begins to affect how they feel when they hear it
-we make excuses when the connection begins to be one sided
-we become drained with even the thought of their presence
-things become more and more about external things then about "us" as a unit

with our families:
-we begin to take back seat in conversations
-we neglect our own feelings
-we stop sharing our good or bad news if it begins to affect how they feel when they hear it
-we make excuses that "its family, so what else can you do?"
-we become drained with even the thought of their presence
-we stop growing

with our children:
-we neglect our own needs and comforts
-we neglect our own feelings
-we become consumed with "idea" of perfection
-we sometimes become ill and often walk around in sheer exhaustion
-we feel guilt over feeling disappointment

This is just the basic roller coaster of UnConditional Love.

From my own experience I will share that when I practiced this type of love with my friends, partners and family it left me lost.
It left me feeling beaten, unappreciated and drained. Sometimes I had sense that nothing was good enough, I wasn't doing enough, I wasn't sacrificing enough.
Till slowly events in my life woke me up to otherwise.
I learned that my love was enough, that I was doing enough that I was enough.
The problem was I had no boundaries, no conditions.

picture of sculpture from mighty hike.com
Sculpture by Lorenzo Quinn called Finding Love from the Give & Take collection 

Everything, has a condition.

-you and your employer
-you and your mortgage company
-you and a department store
-you and your business partner

We must realize that in order to give Love we must first truly love ourselves. Just because we set certain expectations whether spoken or not on others in our lives doesn't mean we are selfish.
When your partner treats you poorly and you say nothing, you bottle it up inside. Your so called loving unconditionally yet that negative feeling is building up. When your family takes you for granted and you just go along with it, negativity is building up.
You are hurting yourself, so why would you in a sense love UnConditionally?

I left our love for our children last. I wanted to share my experience.
Though I learned how to deal with others around me later in life from the beginning I set out to build something different with my daughter. I don't know that it was wishful thinking as I was doing it and I perhaps secretly wished it would trickle into other parts of my life but I just did things different.

From the start I loved my daughter with conditions.
I would love her, nurture her, teach her, guide her, support her but with the condition that she would love, respect, communicate and treat me with kindness always.
As she grew, we grew and those conditions grew. As our communication continued and continues to evolve she knows we both have our parts to play in the connection. In this relationship there are limitations. You can't take me for granted as your mom, you can't assume I will just do. Yes I love you and support you but the time I invest in nurturing you and taking care of you must be rewarded with respect, love and kindness in return.

I am blessed to always say I have reaped and continue to reap the rewards of such a setting. I love my daughter deeply and she loves me and we live in such expression daily. We chose to set our intentions so kindness and respect are always present.
My conditions are pretty simple I think, even basic but to many something unimaginable or obtainable.

Communication, again...is the key.
We must express what we want in order to receive it. We must be clear in order to be open.
On this Thanksgiving perhaps it would serve us best if we skipped going shopping after dinner and instead sat around with our loved ones and truly "talked". Were in the moment and showed appreciation. Let them know that the condition for them being in our lives is just this...sitting together talking, showing love giving of our time without setting a timer.

What are your thoughts on UnConditional Love?
Is it wrong to have conditions?
Is it healthy?
Is it possible?

Always stress free xo.

2 comments:

  1. Oh my! Amazing post! Pinned and tweeted. We always love partying with you, I hope to see you tonight at 7 pm at our party. Happy Monday! Lou Lou Girls

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Kimberly as always see you there :)

    ReplyDelete

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