Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Breaking down our Child Support System

Hey lovelies, today I want to chat with you about a subject that may be very sensitive to some. I want to share my thoughts and my own experience and I hope a great conversation can come of this either with me or within your own circle, even your partner. It came to me some time ago as I read one of my news blogs and it had an article about one of my favorite rappers DMX and his latest run in with the police.

The article was based on his latest arrest for not paying child support. Now I have very strong views on this issue I am going to share them with you. They are my perspective so I am not trying to disrespect anyone.
I don't believe in forcing someone to give me money for their child. What!? Are you serious, yes I am. I don't believe in anything forced period, I find nothing good comes out of it but resentment and bitterness.

illustration by janfrank.org

When we get into relationships no one goes in with an expiration date but it happens. People change, circumstances change life changes period. So when it does end and the money fights begin that tarnishes the whole connection. I didn't take the child support route when I ended my relationship with my daughter's father. I didn't want to invest the energy in courts and figures. You know your responsibilities, you know where we live, you know her needs do with that information as you wish. If you contribute nice if you don't I'm ok too because I am not relaying on your money to support our child.

My mom and dad didn't go that route either and I believe it was one of the many reasons they have such a great respect for one another today. He didn't give my mom a set amount monthly, he gave what he could and when my mom reached out and they spoke of up coming events they worked together to come up with something fair all around. He did what he could with money he had available and my mom understood that and worked with him. She was forced to take the opposite route with my sister's father just because that relationship was totally wrapped in bitterness and the drama that came along with it to me was just not worth it.

It affected my sisters for years, their view of their father has been forever tainted and their view on relationships shattered. No child should hear negative remarks about another parents value, no child should connect money to love. Labels like deadbeat, uselessgolddigger or lazy lump everyone together and do more harm then good when are children hear us say them.

illustration by cssd.dc.gov

I believe the whole Child Support system needs an update, I believe it is run on old ideals and outdated biases. I don't see how jailing a parent is going to get your money any faster. I don't understand how suspending someone's license helps the bills get paid and I don't understand the not reevaluating each case periodically for changes. For those who decide to take the Child Support route fine I get it, both parents should be responsible for their child. I get the premise behind the system I just don't get the outcomes.

I've known men who pay monthly and are not allowed to see their child, I know men who have paid the same amount for years even if their incomes have changed, I know men who pay support to the mother but the child doesn't even live with her. Now don't get me wrong I know there are some rotten apples out there. Some dudes that are living life without a care in the world while their child and mostly the mother struggle monthly. But let's not lump everyone into the same pot. And let's not loose sight also that this is not just a system that deals with fathers, mothers can fall into this system as well.

Again I go back to the jail part, if DMX's livelihood is making music and traveling and appearing in concerts and you remove him from that, how does that benefit his child(ren)? I was at a concert some months ago where he was suppose to appear and he was arrested as he was getting out of his car at the venue. He looses money, everyone looses money.
If you suspend my license sure I can take a bus or train but what if I'm a cab driver or bus driver? How do I make money then?

illustration by smamthadmalloy.com

Everyone has rough patches the system should allow for times said parent has little to no income because again life is not predictable. I'm not saying give a free pass or it's no big deal, I'm just saying this system as it stands does more harm than good and both sides should have their rights protected.

What do you think? What has your experience been and do you think it could have turned out any differently? Do you feel confident in this system? Please share let's start a conversation.
I am including some links for additional background.

yahoo.com/music
nypost.com
dadsdivorce.com
nytimes.com

Always stress free xo.
Mari

16 comments:

  1. My sister and I were raised by our grandmother and other than a few gifts here and there neither one of my parents ever gave her a dime. I am fortunate not to have had this happen to me personally, but I do know it can be a difficult situation and that circumstances vary from case to case.

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    1. Hey Antionette, thanks for stopping by I agree every situation is different we need a system that allows for just that. Thank god for grandparents I say!

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  2. This is an extremely sensitive subject for myself having been on almost every side side of all your points. The system is truly flawed as it pertains to how we deal with "child support" in this country, it seems unfortunately minorities are the target( as ususal)of these old fashioned laws. Thanks for sharing Mari.

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    1. John as always thank you for stopping by and visiting. Your point on targeting certain groups for certain is unfortunately so true its alarming and it is time to start talking more about it. Appreciate your support.

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  3. You are such a good and caring person, Mari.

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    1. Jovina hey thank you that was very sweet of you to say. I just love to talk about real issues and start smart conversations :) chat soon love xo

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  4. Ok, this is a subject I had to live with for about 14 years until this last August.

    The system is horrible in California. If you are a worthless and irresponsible non-custodial parent the system pretty much allows you stay that way. If you try to be responsible, then you get hammered.

    I got hammered. Let's just say my ex basically lived off my child support for the last 15 years. She moved away from me (with approval from the court) and when I quoted the family code and told them that she had no transportation and it was a 90 minute drive, I was told "So" A judge told me (after I quoted the family code) "I can't make her work" and slapped another $150 a month on me. I found out that I was not alone in this. The system is designed that way.

    The system is also designed to make money for the state. In California, if the custodial parent files in June for an increase and the case is heard in October the judge will usually back date the increased amount to the filing and now the non-custodial parent is now in arrears and the state starts to collect their 10% interest on it.

    The funny thing is that when I was done in July, no notice was sent to my work (I had them take it directly out of my check, a lot easier that way) and I had to pay for an extra month. I looked at my paycheck and it was still be paid. I called the county and the funny was they admitted that it was their mistake, it was their non-paying attention but their was nothing they could do. I was out the money since they closed the case.

    Sorry for being so long, but I lived it for a long time. The funny thing is my son lives with me now and I was able to take my daughter to school. I guess by what I went through and not giving up, I made a bond with my kids.

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    1. Patrick Hello! Always love having you visit and share your comments. Seems your story backs up exactly what many good parents are saying they are dealing with. Glad you have been able to grow a strong bond with your children sad it took such a corrupt system to make it so. Happy Holidays be well we chat again soon :)

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  5. I too sit on both sides of the child support fence being on the receiving end (though it never comes) for my oldest, and on the giving end with my husband. It is a totally flawed system, I agree, but I think lawmakers have a rough go of it. Even when I think about the good, bad, and the ugly of everything that I and others I know (in and out of the system) have gone through, I have LOADS of feedback but I cannot come up with any good solution(s).

    Ideally I think that the approach you took and your parents took is totally the way to go. However, I do feel that families need some sort "protection", so to speak, because realistically no all parents are great parents and need to be held accountable for their responsibilities.

    One thing we can all agree on, I hope, is your point that jailing is counter productive and solves NOthing -- can't make a living and take care of your children from a jail cell. Legislators can definitely start by changing that.

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    1. Hey Nikki, how are you doll? Hope all is well. Thanks for dropping by and sharing your comments. I agree with some sort of security, you are correct not all parents do the right things at times. It's the methods that can be totally challenging, hopefully the more conversations the more ideas we can come up with fingers crossed.

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  6. I do agree with you, how is sending someone to jail benefiting the children and the finances. You make some very valid points. I shared this!

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    1. Thanks HM for stopping by and commenting staring people talking is my goal :)!!!

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  7. Wow, a sensitive subject indeed! I agree, there needs to be many changes to the system. There are certainly times when the laws do more harm than good. However, I have also found myself wondering at times about the people who left on their own accord and complain about the price they pay, when staying at raising the child would certainly cost more than whatever their court ordered amount is! That said, there are surely better ways to handle delicate situations like this than the methods we are using now. Thought provoking post!

    Thank you for sharing with us at #mommymeetupmondays!

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  8. Brandyn thank you for stopping by always grateful for the support and comments xo:)

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  9. I have an extremely strong opinion on this as well. I have been known to be a bit too vocal about it and love that you just came right out with your opinion. I am not too bothered by people demanding child support, BUT I cannot stand when people want money from a parent for child support and the parents that is paying doesn't ever get to see the child they are paying for. As a proud woman, I could never accept money from a man to raise kids on my own, but I know not everybody is like that. You're right that him being in jail doesn't do anybody any good, but none of these situations are black and white and the system is oh so flawed. Thank you for sharing this at #mommymeetupmondays!

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    1. Jules your welcome lol I have been holding on to this one for a minute but I just had to let it out. This system is a hot mess. Thanks for sharing your comments chat soon :)

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