Stay Away

My dolls I didn't post this yesterday because the day was filled with people I truly love to invest my time with. I got to hug up on two of my favorite yummy little people and chat up with some great friends and really live the meaning of loved ones and family. This time of year can be very trying for those who have family issues and who struggle with what family is suppose to be. For me I have made peace with what that means for me. If you find yourself in a similar place then maybe my share can help you in some way. 

illustration by pinterest.com

I know what you're thinking...
She stays away because she is "selfish".
She doesn't care about us or what we are going through.
She "thinks" she is better than us, she doesn't have time to "help" us with our problems.

Look at her, always put together.
Always has had a nice place to live.
Drives a nice car and has a great job.
Look at her, problems free.

I know what you're thinking...
She always has an answer.
She always thinks so positively.
She always wants to talk about being loving.

Look at her with her Meditation.
Look at her with her Yoga practice.
Look at her with her healthy eating and
Look at her with her uplifting thoughts.

I know what you're thinking...
She can't be for real.
She is so fake.
She hasn't changed.
She just walked away.

illustration by soreyfitness.com

The truth is your best thinking got you to this place. My reality is...

I stay away because of self preservation.
I do care about you but you don't care about your self.
I am not better than I am just different, I have the time I just don't want to waste it, I can't help you with your problem unless you help your self first.

I am put together because I have value.
I have a nice place to live because I love and respect me.
I have a nice ride because I take care of my belongings and my job is just a job I am grateful to have because it pays my bills.
I have problems, we all have problems but my problems don't have Me.

I don't always have "the" answer but I have faith there is "an" answer.
I think positive because I am open to many perspectives.
I talk about being loving because communication without love is pointless.

Yes look at me with my Meditation, if I didn't have that I would go insane.
Yes I practice Yoga because I want to grow old gracefully not diseased in mind, body and spirit like you have become.
Yes I eat healthy because I love my body, I want to take care of it so it takes care of me.
Yes I have uplifting thoughts because I always have Hope.

I am for Real, life is not as bad as you want to paint it.
I am not Fake, I just work with the cards that are dealt to me.
I have changed and because of that I Stay Away so I can continue to Love you.
I didn't "just" walk away...I decided to live, I decided to accept you for who and what you are and be ok with that.

illustration by sayingandquotes.blogspot.com

I Stay Away because of Love and with that love all things are possible.

What has loving and caring for someone made you do?

Always stress free xo

Mari

My Eyes are Wide open

Why is it that we never want to listen to the truth? Why is it that we "think" that if we ignore something ugly long enough it will mysteriously disappear? To those who are really in my close circle and really know me, I live in denial. They say that I just don't want to see the ugly truth in things because I am not of that nature that I am under the delusion that others should be the same.
This use to upset me in the past but as of lately I have come to accept that it has been the tool that has allowed me to not become jaded about where I live or bitter about my surroundings.

It is not easy these days to go anyplace or turn on any thing without seeing Death or a Politician tearing someone or something down. It is a daily occurrence and somehow we are almost becoming ok with it. "Oh only fourteen people died? ok well it could have been worse." "Oh it happened where?, oh those people always killing themselves." "Oh I am safe here, I don't live in that neighborhood." "Yeah I'm so glad he said that those people really are pieces of trash get rid of them." 'Oh I wish they would stop coming here, they taking over everything and lowering my property value." "Oh what?! these people are able to do that now?"

illustration by tumblr.com

Today I searched how many shootings have occurred thus far in 2015 and depending on your choice of words it can be anywhere between 4 or 355. This is due in part to who and where your sources come from whether it was a large group or a small group, race, affiliation and so forth. But why does that even matter? A death, an injury, an assault one or fifty is one too many. And why please someone just clear this up for me is the answer always....more guns, arm yourself, freedom to purchase more protection?

I am not stupid to say Guns kill people but I will say that guns in the hands of most people kill people. Of course we all should have the right to protect ourselves but is arming ourselves with guns really the solution? Does anyone really need to purchase more than one gun to "protect" themselves? Does a business owner in Long Island City need an assault rifle to protect his store? Does the guy in Kansas need an Uzi? Those who are pro guns get upset about the laws that infringe on their rights and those of us who may not care to use the "let me arm myself route" think their aren't enough restrictions? Who is correct, who is wrong, are there really any winners? I first saw a real gun when I was about eleven years old. It was when my sister's father came home from the military. I was  terrified and shocked.  This stuff was now going to be in my home, in a closet, in Brooklyn in 1980 something seriously? I didn't feel any safer.

And as for the outlandish comments some of our Presidential prospects drop out of their moves, I am back to that terrified kid in the dinning room with the guns laid out on the table. You want to run a country in which a portion of its residents you have no regard for? You want to run a country yet some of your history is built on lies you have volunteered as a means to connect with "the people"?
You want to run a country in which some of your citizens basic rights can not be upheld because a law from the time of I don't agree with that so I am gonna write a law against it should still hold true today? Your standards are the "only" standards is what your basically telling me?

Whatever your choices my perspective is everyone has a right but having rights doesn't give us a free pass to be unjust. I love my freedom but I am also CLEAR that when the Constitution of The United States was written it didn't have this Dominican female from Brooklyn in mind. It didn't have many people I see on a daily basis in mind as a matter of fact.

illustration by buzzle.com

Crazy part is our media continues to feed us fear of "others" yet here we are killing our own day to day. We want to solve everyone else's issues, correct their laws and their way of life and in our own land we have chaos.

We live in a society where there are cameras EVERYWHERE, we are being monitored in one way or another at all times and yet we find fault in others? Our schools are becoming prison like with metal detectors and gates, my own four person office just installed cameras so I can look at a screen before I buzz anyone in. I feel like a prison guard. Paranoia is another tool I have to now arm myself with.

I happened to watch last night and yes I am very late on this movie but things fall on my lap when they are suppose to. I saw The Good Shepard with Matt Damon. Story on birth of CIA I am not going to break it all down but I will say that the greatness of Life is to be open to information and process with the best balance you can have. Pride should never be ignorant and justified just because we want to turn a blind eye. I am very proud of who I am, where I come from and the freedoms I have been able to enjoy but I also must balance that with growth, learning and awareness.
One of the characters in this movie was played by Joe Pesci and he had a very powerful scene with Matt Damon it involved a sort of you do for me I do for you but also touched on principles his lines go something like this
*"Let me ask you something... we Italians, we got our families and we got the church; the Irish, they have the homeland, Jews their tradition; even the Niggers, they got their music. What about you people, Mr. Wilson, what do you have? Matt Damon character replies..."The United States of America. The rest of you are just Visiting."
*IMDB The Good Shepherd quotes*

illustration by genius.com

Now fiction or non fiction embellished or what not those words speak volumes. It bought to light again for me how I live in a country where everyone who lives here at some point was treated as a cast a way and though some may want to paint a picture of unity and equality in the end those that feel they have set the standards we must follow will always want to make you very aware of just where you truly stand.

So whether its mass shootings all in the name of one cause or another or political agendas to continue to divide can we really continue to boost about "Our United States" or has the time come to rip the blinders off and say "Where the Hell am I living at?"

So now as a parent I don't only have to worry about cuts and scraps in the playground now I have to add someone being bored with life and taking it out on my neighborhood school or my kids train route? Now its not what school will my child attend but whether or not he/she has the right to do as they wish with their body? Its no longer about being concerned for our children's safety traveling to another country its about worrying about Spring Break in another State.

My Eyes are Wide open, I am finally looking at all the pieces even the ones I didn't want to acknowledge but I am declaring that I will not be pushed to paranoia and I will not be pushed to blind   patriotism. My awareness is clear and I will use the information I gather daily to become better informed and a better parent to my daughter. One person lights a spark that can burn long enough to require attention. My perspective can do just that as well as our access to Social Media. Living our best lives means cohabiting with others and we have really been doing a terrible job of it so far.
Again knowledge is power become better informed.

What do you think? Should we just accept the changes we deal with today as the new normal? Do all lives matter or just the chosen few? Is not agreeing with the old ways a lack of loyalty? As parents what should our priorities be? Please share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo
Mari

Breaking down our Child Support System

Hey lovelies, today I want to chat with you about a subject that may be very sensitive to some. I want to share my thoughts and my own experience and I hope a great conversation can come of this either with me or within your own circle, even your partner. It came to me some time ago as I read one of my news blogs and it had an article about one of my favorite rappers DMX and his latest run in with the police.

The article was based on his latest arrest for not paying child support. Now I have very strong views on this issue I am going to share them with you. They are my perspective so I am not trying to disrespect anyone.
I don't believe in forcing someone to give me money for their child. What!? Are you serious, yes I am. I don't believe in anything forced period, I find nothing good comes out of it but resentment and bitterness.

illustration by janfrank.org

When we get into relationships no one goes in with an expiration date but it happens. People change, circumstances change life changes period. So when it does end and the money fights begin that tarnishes the whole connection. I didn't take the child support route when I ended my relationship with my daughter's father. I didn't want to invest the energy in courts and figures. You know your responsibilities, you know where we live, you know her needs do with that information as you wish. If you contribute nice if you don't I'm ok too because I am not relaying on your money to support our child.

My mom and dad didn't go that route either and I believe it was one of the many reasons they have such a great respect for one another today. He didn't give my mom a set amount monthly, he gave what he could and when my mom reached out and they spoke of up coming events they worked together to come up with something fair all around. He did what he could with money he had available and my mom understood that and worked with him. She was forced to take the opposite route with my sister's father just because that relationship was totally wrapped in bitterness and the drama that came along with it to me was just not worth it.

It affected my sisters for years, their view of their father has been forever tainted and their view on relationships shattered. No child should hear negative remarks about another parents value, no child should connect money to love. Labels like deadbeat, useless, golddigger or lazy lump everyone together and do more harm then good when are children hear us say them.

illustration by cssd.dc.gov

I believe the whole Child Support system needs an update, I believe it is run on old ideals and outdated biases. I don't see how jailing a parent is going to get your money any faster. I don't understand how suspending someone's license helps the bills get paid and I don't understand the not reevaluating each case periodically for changes. For those who decide to take the Child Support route fine I get it, both parents should be responsible for their child. I get the premise behind the system I just don't get the outcomes.

I've known men who pay monthly and are not allowed to see their child, I know men who have paid the same amount for years even if their incomes have changed, I know men who pay support to the mother but the child doesn't even live with her. Now don't get me wrong I know there are some rotten apples out there. Some dudes that are living life without a care in the world while their child and mostly the mother struggle monthly. But let's not lump everyone into the same pot. And let's not loose sight also that this is not just a system that deals with fathers, mothers can fall into this system as well.

Again I go back to the jail part, if DMX's livelihood is making music and traveling and appearing in concerts and you remove him from that, how does that benefit his child(ren)? I was at a concert some months ago where he was suppose to appear and he was arrested as he was getting out of his car at the venue. He looses money, everyone looses money.
If you suspend my license sure I can take a bus or train but what if I'm a cab driver or bus driver? How do I make money then?

illustration by smamthadmalloy.com

Everyone has rough patches the system should allow for times said parent has little to no income because again life is not predictable. I'm not saying give a free pass or it's no big deal, I'm just saying this system as it stands does more harm than good and both sides should have their rights protected.

What do you think? What has your experience been and do you think it could have turned out any differently? Do you feel confident in this system? Please share let's start a conversation.
I am including some links for additional background.

yahoo.com/music
nypost.com
dadsdivorce.com
nytimes.com

Always stress free xo.

Mari

My Baby wants to study Abroad!

Happy Sunday! Just walked in from laying in the sun for a few hours. Can't believe September is just around the corner geez. Anyway while I laid in the sun I watched a mom and her little girl blowing bubbles and started to smile from ear to ear. I was saying to myself "oh please enjoy this moment because there is so much more to come. Please build a strong connection so that she may always want to blow bubbles with you". I was glad I caught that moment because it bought me to sharing this post with you.

 Mom I love you but we aren't going to live with each other forever. Mom you do know that I don't want to live in New York for the rest of my life right? Mom life in the states sucks, there is a whole big world out there to see and enjoy. These are just a few of the statements my lil sunshine has been sharing with me for the past fifteen years.

Like her father, my daughter is a huge explorer, they are pretty Fearless. I admire them very much for that. I credit that as one of the reasons I was drawn and fell in love with her dad so long ago. He never limited himself to an area or to any thought. All things were possible you just had to think it, put it in motion and move your two feet. They don't see obstacles or hold too tight to people, places and things.

illustration by buzz quotes.com

So when my lil mama began to comment about education and studying in other places back in high school I began to keep a Rolodex of the info she was providing and began to keep an open mind. I began to slowly prepare for any "surprises". When she finished H.S. all in NYC I thought whew! we got past that. Today, third year into College we have decided to take a semester and study in...Thailand! What?! Seriously? Yes mom...seriously.

Well that is just one of her choices but she would love to go there for sure. Of course as her mother any time away from her she will be missed but as a women and as her top supporter I said go for it!!! Travel, see the world, learn new things, live your life! You only live once so make the most of your time on this earth. I don't ever even recall this being an option while I was growing up but I know if it had been I would have wanted to do it as an escape from my family much more than as a learning experience.

I would have been running away from and not running to a life experience and that wouldn't have been the right way to do things. I never want to hold my daughter back nor have I ever done so with anything. My responsibility is to guide, to teach, to listen and communicate...together. Her comment to me recently as she began her application process was "I know I am ready for all of this and I look forward to the opportunity, I just want you to be ok when I am gone." to which I replied, "I love you and will miss you but we have so many means of communicating we will be fine. I am proud of you for being so Fearless and living a full life, I did a great job and I am proud of both of us." I did my part twenty years in she's an amazing young lady, hard worker and generous and loved by many why would I stifle her growth now?

illustration by buzz quotes.com

Parenting as far as the label is concerned is forever but we are only vessels used to bring forth new life. We don't own our children we can only hope we do a good enough job in which they love us so that they want to stick around and be with us long term. They don't have to do anything but we also hope that what we have done for them builds bonds which we in turn call "family".

I'm enjoying watching her in this process, I look forward to great results. One of her friends already left for Amsterdam another is preparing to go to Berlin. I love these kids for having the courage of exploration. I think some of us adults as we mature/age loose sight of that and become so set in our ways we get "old" too quickly. I am looking forward to my own "exploration" while she is away and see what I am made of as well.

These are some links I came across while I was doing some research that helped me understand the whole process and had great tips. As parents the more we know the better and the more support and options we are aware of the smoother some choices can be. If you have a child or know someone who may be interested in studying Abroad instead of holding on to the fear of letting go perhaps arm yourself with tons of info that can make it easier to say good bye.

college.usatoday.com
nytimes.com
studyabroad.com

illustration by sowhymorrocco.wordpress.com

If you are in this same journey please share how you are handling it or if you have already been here done that please share your experience with me. I would love to hear your stories.

Always stress free xo.

Worry

Happy Sunday...out running errands but I wrote this on Tuesday and couldn't wait to share. Have an awesome day and let's start a conversation.

As I was sitting in my bed just finishing up my Meditation as I bowed my head in silence about to say Namaste I realized that worry comes in stages. Perhaps comes is not the right word, I'm not sure how to explain what my thought process is at this very moment but let me try to explain.

illustration by buzzquotes.com

I know we all worry at some point or another maybe daily, maybe monthly who knows maybe yearly if you are so lucky. Worry comes with the territory of living a conscious life. Some worry is fleeting like a blink of an eye others can drag on like recovering from a surgery. It's not like we set out to feel this way, like we say "ok today at seven I'll worry for an hour then walk away" no. Worry comes on any day, at any second of any hour, at any age, in any neighborhood whether you're rich or poor.

Today I had what I call one of those long thought filled days. One in which I have a large to do list and the answers that I may get to clean up my list fill me with sadness and deep truths. I'm a firm believer in not allowing too much time to go by before you sit with an issue and find a solution. I don't want to drown in a problem or allow it to fester and cause me undo stress. After all I want to live a healthy life. So here's my issue...

illustration by bestsayingquotes.com

As I review my life I stop and pay attention to the worries I've experienced. I noticed that I got through them, after all somehow because I am still here. I found a way to pay my bills at 18 when I left home, I got a full time job. I accepted that partying every weekend was not going to be in my budget. I found a way to stay at home with my daughter for her first six months, I applied for public assistance no shame because I worked for my money they didn't give me anything for free. I found a way to put my daughter in summer camps during her youth, we saved and cut down on any extras. I found a way to stop feeling bad about having crappy friendships, I walked away from those that didn't value me. I found a way to end my relationship with my daughter's father after 18 years without hate and still lots of love, I focused on the good I didn't blame instead I focused on value and needed growth.

When my childhood friend was dying and there was nothing I could do, I focused my energy on showing her I loved her daily and making sure nothing was left unsaid. When I took over my grandmother's care I had no idea what I was getting into but I knew I would find a way to do it. When we didn't qualify for any financial aid and I wasn't going to apply for any loans in order for my lil mama to go to college I took a weekend to redo our budget and reviewed our finances and got on setting a weekly amount that I would put aside for tuition and books, when she just walked into my room after a full day at work sat at the edge of my bed and started to cry I took a deep breath and said I'm here for you if you need to talk everything has options and all problems have a solution (yes I'm writing and she just walked in). Worry.

illustration by thequotepedia.com

I'm sure I have many more to go before my journey is through but again I point to dealing with my grandma's disease that has sure made me put things into perspective. We have reached the last stage of Alzheimer's, I've been seeing it for some time now but didn't want to face it. Her hospital stay really escalated some events. This month has been a full month of Worry. Calls to insurance companies, social workers, visiting nurses, hospital visits, meetings with her home attendants.

I now have two babies, one that is 20 years old (baby #1) and one that will be 92 years old (baby #2) in less than a month. One that finally does everything on her own and can fend for herself and one that needs assistance and constant care for everything. One that knows me and would recognize me anywhere and one that has now totally no idea who I am. One that I have finally removed all the safety guards from and another that I'm starting to put safety guards up for again.

illustration by pinterest.com

Worry. Soft food diet, proper nutrition, proper hygiene maintenance, proper attention, over all safety and loving care. This is what I wake up with, these are my daily running thoughts. Most of my puzzle pieces are fitting together nicely and for that I am grateful. One piece that's being a pain is sleep. People with Alzheimer's especially in the late stages have no concept of time and sleep. They can go to bed at 9pm get up at 1am and not fall asleep again till 5am then be sleepy most of the afternoon. But that of course is a nightmare in itself add that the caregivers have to be on constant alert and that makes for very tired people.

I'm trying a variety of things to see what works but I think I may be loosing one of my caregivers which makes me sad and nervous because it means starting over with someone new again. But I have to also understand and consider the toll it takes on the worker and that is why I've been having meetings with them to express my gratitude and understanding. I set out a plan that I feel is the best route for the remainder of my grandma's journey. I've bought it to the caregivers attention asked them to think about it and get back to me shortly if it works for them wonderful if it doesn't I totally understand. It would require doing things as if you were dealing with a baby minus diaper changes which I really hope we never have to cross that bridge! But like I said I have two babies.

illustration by thequotepedia.com

I commented before that this disease has put certain things in perspective. Like when I'm feeding baby #2 I don't worry about rushing to get to my next task I'm in the moment because my time with her matters. When I'm taking baby #2 a bath I'm respectful that she is not comfortable with me being in her personal space but realizes she has no choice. I am sure to thank her for allowing me in her space every step of the way. When I sit with baby #2 and introduce myself I make sure to make eye contact and smile because I want her to feel safe and secure. When baby #2 holds on to my arm and says "don't let me fall" I say "trust me I won't let you fall your my viejita my baby #2" and she holds on tighter and let's me lead the way.

Worry. Whether fleeting or lengthy must be given its time. Must be recognized and dealt with but must never be held on to. Time doesn't stand still so don't be wasteful of your moments. My review is complete for now, for this part of my journey. My worries are still here front and center but they are attached to solutions, to options and to hope. Some will get resolved others will come to a conclusion and end. In the meantime I will invest my time in the moment grateful for the knowledge that all worry at some point ends. I have to be present in the moment for my two babies.

What do you worry about and do you sit with it or let it go? Do you believe worry is part of growth? Has worry ever made you feel literally sick or drained of your energy and hope?

Always stress free xo.

Breast Cancer Awareness

I wanted to acknowledge Breast Cancer Awareness month in some way shape or form. Usually I do so by participating in the Making Strides for Cancer walk in Flushing Meadows Corona Park, here in Queens, New York where I live.

I had been supportive of this cause for many years always in a monetary way until my oldest friend since 2nd grade named Cynthia, got sick with some form of cancer among other things over 6 years ago and passed away. At that point I chose to put my best foot forward and walk. 

During my annual walks I have seen and met some wonderful people. Survivors and their families, families who have lost loved ones, students and their school bands, men supporting the wonderful women in their lives, even pets!!! I have enjoyed every minute of it and my fund rising hasn't been too bad either!

This year my team and I somehow someway could not get our acts together so I opted to show my support in other ways. I decided to make some purchases for the cause and at the same time add some new accessories to my already fashionable collection this is what I bought…

I am also including in this post some pictures and links to a variety of information and sites.  Please visit them and show your support. We all have women we love in our lives. I chose NOT to be too graphic on my picture share because I am always looking at the brighter side of things but if you Google Breast Cancer images, you will see that the devastation is far from PINK.

Women let’s do our part to remain proactive in our health. Annual mammograms and monthly self -examinations. I am the first to admit I don’t like performing the self -exams, I always feel Something, am scared to find Something and I am always afraid I am doing it wrong anyway. That said I still force myself to perform them in the shower. Speak to your doctor, watch videos whatever it takes but Do it.

1-http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001911/

2-http://www.cancer.org/involved/participate/makingstridesagainstbreastcancer/

3-http://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/breast-cancer-awareness-month?gclid=COPWnIDDuLoCFdKf4AodZ20AwQ

4-http://ww5.komen.org/

5-http://www.plannedparenthood.org/about-us/newsroom/politics-policy-issues/planned-parenthoods-breast-health-initiative-40102.htm

6-http://thebreastcancersite.greatergood.com

7-http://healthfinder.gov/NHO/OctoberToolkit.aspx