Personal Inventory

Hey loves what's new and exciting in your world?

Today's share comes from my daughter, with her permission of course. I try to respect her privacy as much as possible so when ever I share something specific in connection with her I always ask first.

The other day I'm home eating dinner alone before I headed out for my walk. Lil mama was in school it was her late night. It was after six when she calls me to chat about her day and I just listened as I ate. It was as usual another enlightening convo hearing my daughters views on the world. Listening to her share her day and classroom experiences. Towards the end of the convo she asks me if I read her email, I said no. I told her "your mama only checks her emails three times a day. After 10am, at 3:30 and between 6/7pm" She responded "ok great I like that, I don't want you consumed with checking in." I said "no, I'm totally not."

She said "ok well I sent you an email today I want you to read. I wanted to share it especially with you." I said "ok when I hang up I will open and read." We said our I love u's and see you laters and hung up. I took a sip of my lemon water and proceeded to open her email this is what I read...

So I was given an assignment at school that said to write a page about how you want people to see you. I decided to share this with you guys because I think an important part of becoming the person you want to be seen as, has alot to do with the people close to you holding you accountable for the things you say. This is kind of like, if I ever stop being the person I talk about in this paper, use this and remind me lol. Also thank you for supporting me, and mami specifically, for being the biggest thing to shape my life. I only had one page so I tried to just focus on myself and your role is 4 pages minimum of writing. My existence and accomplishments will ALWAYS be owed to you firstly and you are ALWAYS my biggest source of inspiration and motivation. Please don't text me an emotional response because I don't want to start crying in class lol. Love you guys

illustration by sourceofincome.com

As I dabbled lightly on my tears I opened the attached doc and this is what I read...

Erica xxxxxx

Prof D

MGT 3120 FTA​​​​​​​​​​9/5/16

Personal Inventory

​I think we cannot speak about the type of person we want others to see us as if we do not consider our parents, and which parts of them we have tried to emulate growing up. I grew up in a family that was not close, with 2 parents who were extremely independent individuals. They never treated me as a child who wasn’t capable of understanding the outside world and all its complications, but rather found ways to explain things within the scope of my lived experience up to that point. More importantly, they fostered my own independence. While this independence truthfully gave way to some issues with authoritative figures, it also helped me have a clear understanding of which rules in life are valid and which are based in fear, ignorance, or control. My parents never placed themselves or any adults around me to be seen as “all-knowing” figures to be blindly respected, and so I have not viewed adults that way and have in many ways forced them to see me as an equal.

As my mother was the more cautious of the two, I strove to be more like my father, thrill seeking and seemingly fearless. Exuding this confident energy and a street smarts that would save you from virtually any circumstances. My parents were unapologetically themselves and rose me to be the same way. I want people to see me as someone genuine, who is secure in my identity and in my individual path. Growing with this independence, as I entered the work force at 16 years old, it was time to apply what I had seen, and to begin shaping what position I wanted to have relative to our economic world. I began working in fashion, and developed a passion for every aspect of the industry. This developed my taste for more expensive things naturally, and a desire for a far more luxurious lifestyle than either of my parents could ever afford me. So once again this became another facet of my independence, pushing to escape the economic status I’d been born into. I want to be seen as someone who works hard and takes great pride in everything they do.

I realized a big part of growing in this industry was investing in yourself. Being so aesthetic based, this became another crucial part of my identity. I want people to see me, aesthetically, as someone who takes risks. I believe the way we present ourselves in any setting allow people to make many judgements of us, and with that being said, the way we dress should be an extension of our personalities. I have worked as a personal stylist for the last 2 years and so much of my work with my clients is psychological; it is about finding pieces that speak to their energy and lifestyle and not about what any magazine says we should wear. I strive for people to see me as someone not afraid to be alone in my opinions. In this industry, there is so much sameness as many brands make the crossover to corporations and I want to enter it as someone who truly believes fashion is art, and deserves to be seen as such, not diluted into varying uniforms. I want people to see me as an artist. Art in all aspects is my passion, and defining myself as an artist, has completely changed the way I view the world. This brings me to my entrepreneurial venture as a designer, building an independent label, and defining myself as an entrepreneur. I believe ultimately being a successful entrepreneur is about forging your own path, your own rules, and proving things can always be done in so many different ways. I want people to see me ultimately as someone who set goals for themselves and was fearless enough to actually accomplish them.

illustration by fearlessmotivation.com

I chose to share this with you so you can get a better picture of the beautiful young woman I am blessed to call, my daughter and to affirm that anything is possible if we build strong respectful connections with our children and always keep communications going. Think we can all benefit from Personal Inventory? Share your thoughts. 

Always stress free xo, 

Mari

The making of a Good Father

Good Morning! Today my calendar says its Father's Day so in going with that flow I want to chat about the following and say...

 Happy Father's Day to all the great dads in the world you are truly appreciated and loved but I especially want to shout out all the fathers who regardless of their circumstances step up to the plate and do their part in parenting. I want to wish you a day of love, peace, health and kindness. I want to acknowledge that as a mother I am proud you have made all the efforts to remain relevant in your child's life. I want to say that not all of us single mother's or women think you are an a**hole. We are not all bitter and reckless with our words and actions when referencing you in connection with our children.

illustration by techuloid.com

I want to acknowledge the little things you do and the small ways you have made a lasting impression on your child(ren). Perhaps just by cutting up their fruits on your lunch date or combing your daughter's hair before you bought her back home. Maybe when you dropped by his after school just to say hello before his mother picked him up or perhaps by going shopping with her for her prom dress. The times you left work early to catch your kids baseball game, the many times you had to listen to unkind words at the front door just to have your child over for the weekend.

We never speak about that father who left the relationship but never left the child.

I know many of them my father was one and my daughter's father is one. They are awesome men. I love them so.

I may not see my father now but I have great memories of him as a child. My parents split shortly after I was born from what I can recall and the stories I have heard but my father never left me. He is in every picture of my many milestones and every summer he would come and get me so I could stay with him for a few weeks. My father helped my mom pay for my Catholic school education, my father took me clothes shopping, my father took me sightseeing in New York City. My father sat right next to my mom and her new husband at my eighth grade graduation. Those memories no one can ever take away. My father was a loving kind man and always loving and respectful towards my mom. I never saw a poor exchange. When I turned 18 and went to live with him my father made me breakfast every morning just before he left for work. My father taught me way back when even though I didn't listen, the importance of choosing our words carefully, of working hard and of respecting all. Hard work and respect I grabbed quickly choosing my words came later but I appreciate all the time he took to teach me those lessons.

illustration by heavy.com

My parents didn't work out as a couple but so what, he was still my father and had my mother not been reasonable enough to co-parent I would have lost out on knowing a whole other side of me.

My daughter had a longer run with her father actually being in a household with her so her memories are vast and run deeper than mine. The times I had to leave for work early and he stayed behind and got her ready. The things father's teach their sons my daughter's father taught her because he saw no difference in gender. Shopping for her first bra he was there, video games and bloody movies he was there, school plays and shows he was there, Tae Kwon Do events he was there helping her carry her trophies. He was there.
When we split up we made it a point to be clear, we are not a couple but we will always be in some sort of way a family unit.

We broke up, they didn't break up. He will always be her father.

How can I invest my energy in bashing or keeping my daughter's father away from her? Why? What is there to gain.

Single mother's from my perspective somehow want to link their emotions and personal history with the father and the child. I am not suggesting there won't be a period of adjustment, a time required for healing and continued growth but I am saying that our children did not ask for this they just want to be loved by both their mom and dad and if he is still around and willing and able to do so then let him.

Don't deprive your child of that connection and love, it will be you in the end who is the bad guy not the other way around. Children remember and will connect the dots. The many times their father showed up and you caused a scene will stay in the back of their minds, the times you said ugly things about their father but his actions showed something else, they will recall.

We are suppose to protect and love our children, want the best for them surround them with love. If their father wants to continue to do those things and more but just not with you along for the ride, be a better person and allow it.

illustration by wishabuddy.com

Help build a better society of men remaining a part of their children's lives. Encourage the visits, the calls, the connection. By us behaving better as mothers, as women, as a single parent we are further cultivating a healthy, loving, gentler, more present male today and for years to come for any child who's parents just didn't work out as a couple, again this isn't about you its about what is best for your child.

Again I point out, don't get it twisted. I am referring to the father who is willing and able. The father who wants to do the right thing but runs into obstacles because of pride and ego.

So let's go out and enjoy this day and let's encourage any time that these two people can be together, the Making of a Good Father can start now.

Share your thoughts or memories of great moments with your dad.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Breaking down our Child Support System

Hey lovelies, today I want to chat with you about a subject that may be very sensitive to some. I want to share my thoughts and my own experience and I hope a great conversation can come of this either with me or within your own circle, even your partner. It came to me some time ago as I read one of my news blogs and it had an article about one of my favorite rappers DMX and his latest run in with the police.

The article was based on his latest arrest for not paying child support. Now I have very strong views on this issue I am going to share them with you. They are my perspective so I am not trying to disrespect anyone.
I don't believe in forcing someone to give me money for their child. What!? Are you serious, yes I am. I don't believe in anything forced period, I find nothing good comes out of it but resentment and bitterness.

illustration by janfrank.org

When we get into relationships no one goes in with an expiration date but it happens. People change, circumstances change life changes period. So when it does end and the money fights begin that tarnishes the whole connection. I didn't take the child support route when I ended my relationship with my daughter's father. I didn't want to invest the energy in courts and figures. You know your responsibilities, you know where we live, you know her needs do with that information as you wish. If you contribute nice if you don't I'm ok too because I am not relaying on your money to support our child.

My mom and dad didn't go that route either and I believe it was one of the many reasons they have such a great respect for one another today. He didn't give my mom a set amount monthly, he gave what he could and when my mom reached out and they spoke of up coming events they worked together to come up with something fair all around. He did what he could with money he had available and my mom understood that and worked with him. She was forced to take the opposite route with my sister's father just because that relationship was totally wrapped in bitterness and the drama that came along with it to me was just not worth it.

It affected my sisters for years, their view of their father has been forever tainted and their view on relationships shattered. No child should hear negative remarks about another parents value, no child should connect money to love. Labels like deadbeat, useless, golddigger or lazy lump everyone together and do more harm then good when are children hear us say them.

illustration by cssd.dc.gov

I believe the whole Child Support system needs an update, I believe it is run on old ideals and outdated biases. I don't see how jailing a parent is going to get your money any faster. I don't understand how suspending someone's license helps the bills get paid and I don't understand the not reevaluating each case periodically for changes. For those who decide to take the Child Support route fine I get it, both parents should be responsible for their child. I get the premise behind the system I just don't get the outcomes.

I've known men who pay monthly and are not allowed to see their child, I know men who have paid the same amount for years even if their incomes have changed, I know men who pay support to the mother but the child doesn't even live with her. Now don't get me wrong I know there are some rotten apples out there. Some dudes that are living life without a care in the world while their child and mostly the mother struggle monthly. But let's not lump everyone into the same pot. And let's not loose sight also that this is not just a system that deals with fathers, mothers can fall into this system as well.

Again I go back to the jail part, if DMX's livelihood is making music and traveling and appearing in concerts and you remove him from that, how does that benefit his child(ren)? I was at a concert some months ago where he was suppose to appear and he was arrested as he was getting out of his car at the venue. He looses money, everyone looses money.
If you suspend my license sure I can take a bus or train but what if I'm a cab driver or bus driver? How do I make money then?

illustration by smamthadmalloy.com

Everyone has rough patches the system should allow for times said parent has little to no income because again life is not predictable. I'm not saying give a free pass or it's no big deal, I'm just saying this system as it stands does more harm than good and both sides should have their rights protected.

What do you think? What has your experience been and do you think it could have turned out any differently? Do you feel confident in this system? Please share let's start a conversation.
I am including some links for additional background.

yahoo.com/music
nypost.com
dadsdivorce.com
nytimes.com

Always stress free xo.

Mari

Can we achieve Civility in Co-Parenting?

So you have reached the end of your rope.

You have either accepted things must end and you have to begin to wrap up this chapter or you have been surprised by this turn of events and are asking yourself why?

I never believe when I hear comments like "I never saw it coming".
If you sit in silence for a few minutes you will accept that there were indeed signs of "something" you just didn't want to see it.
Nothing just "ends", things lead up to it.

So now that the end is here how do you handle your hurt, your pain, your anger and your new roles with your children? How do you process these changes while still aiming at being the best parents you can be?

I've thought about this for a while and took into account my own separation. I also sat down and reviewed several separations I have witnessed over the years and think I came up with something to think about.

How about a little distance?

How about we give the grown ups some space and designate another party to handle the exchange of our kids. Meaning, we find someone we agree on be it friend or family. We agree to drop off and pick up in such place in the meantime while our emotions get in order.
We have no personal exchanges in front of the kids until we have sorted out our feelings.

Separation or Divorce is difficult enough without having to see this persons face more often than necessary so why not try working on not seeing one another and still allowing our kids to have both their parents?

I believe our emotions are the root to all the discord in ending any relationship but they become more of a weapon when it comes to the end in our intimate relationships.
We are dealing with not just emotional endings but a physical one as well.
This is indeed a very difficult time for both parties. To try and remain great parents and great human beings period is a tough pill to swallow.

illustration by lovingyourchild.com

Civility from the start I believe is a challenge but can be doable. We can continue to make our children our priority while still keeping some sanity at a time where nothing seems stable.
We can still have some sort of control where we feel all control has been lost.

In this time of chaos our loved ones can be a great source of support and strength. They can help us remain level headed and focused. They can provide us with a place of security so that our children can also feel safe and loved.

So what do you think? Is choosing distance over suffocation an option worth looking into? Is distance the answer to Civil Co-Parenting? Can there ever be a civil way to Co-Parent?

Always stress free xo.