You're Rubbing Off on me and not in a Good way

Happy Veteran's Day to all our service men and women. I thought I would be off today and get a chance to work on some things at home but no instead I am here at my office listening to the radio and thinking... I just had someone leave my office that reminded me of recent events.

My mother was right about a few things she shared as a kid with me but one thing for certain I hold dear till this day...Dime con quien andes te dire quien eres. Loose translation is Show me who you hang with and I'll tell you who you are.

She would always say that when I would naively call everyone my friend. She would very sternly say no, that is not the correct way to express yourself...not everyone is your friend. She had this great way of reading people I hated it but most times she was correct. Years later when I too became a mother I inherited her gift.I have made some adjustments in my "gift" but for the most part people show you who they are from the get and we should never forget that. I have also realized that my "gift" isn't really a gift at all it is just part of the tools a great parent acquires.

illustration by clipfed.com

But it isn't just something that should be geared towards our children, it is something we as adults should be mindful as well.

Case in point, what I recently noticed about myself.

For several years now I have implemented more useful ways to deal with conflict. I am careful with my choice of words, I try to breathe and I if possible try to leave things alone and return to it a short time later. I credit my Meditation practice for that along with some really hard life lessons that caused me more tears than I'd like to recall. I have recently found myself surrounded by people who are time and time again testing my tools and sadly on a few occasions I failed.

I participate in several volunteer projects and other activities that allow me to interact with all types of people and for the most part I love it and encourage everyone to volunteer their time helping others. One of these projects has me surrounded by a group let's call them boisterous. This group varies in age and experience so the conversations are all over the place. I noticed that a few in the group when feeling attacked or questioned instead of being respectful or taking a breath instead latch out become very confrontational, defensive and loud. On my first exchange I did pretty good, I said ok lets calm things down, regroup and come back. On my second exchange I commented that it wasn't cool to behave this way because no one was being heard or respected and in turn nothing was going to get resolved. But on my third exchange I totally lost it! I found myself being just as loud and not using very nice words or ton. I was burning up inside and felt like a caged bird. When it was all said and done I heard nothing they had said and they heard nothing I had said. I walked away saying this is defiantly something I do not want to participate in again. My energy was depleted, I was exhausted and sadden. It reminded me of why I had changed my ways to begin with.

illustration by cliparthut.com

Poor behavior and hostility gets you no where. Chaos and drama only brings about more chaos and nothing productive comes out of that. So if you find yourself in this space as I did or if you see your kids start to behave in this manner I have some suggestions:

-talk your feelings out, don't keep them bottled in so you feel like your about to explode
-practice what you preach, if you tell your kids to relax and take a deep breath guess what you do the same
-listen, no one wants to feel ignored so take a few minutes to listen so that no one feels discarded or disrespected
-share an experience where you too behaved poorly but realized it was not the correct approach and corrected your ways
-remove yourself, if the group or the person you are with constantly brings out "the ugly" side of you reevaluate that connection, if possible discuss and if no solution found walk away

illustration by dreamstime.com

I decided to bring the subject matter up at a calmer time and we all agreed to try another way of communication. I will give it some time and see how it goes but if it doesn't change I will remove myself and invest my time and energy elsewhere.

What do you think, do you feel poor behavior is easier or harder to pick up? Do you agree or disagree with my mom? Have you noticed how some of your friends behaviors have rubbed off on you, how about your kids? Please share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo

Mari

I dropped the F Bomb

I was tested on Friday and I failed but that's ok, because today is another day.

Let me explain. About three years ago I made a conscious choice to refrain from foul language as a means to express dislike or to get my point across. 

I wouldn't describe my mouth as a sailors but I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of one of my blowups that's for sure.

As a teen I was aware and respectful to control myself around my mother and when I had my own child I practiced the same. 

Sometimes I did well sometimes I didn't.

Here we are many moons later and I am accepting that it is a one day at a time journey.

On Friday while at my local CVS parking lot I got out of my car, locked the doors, picked up a phone call and was walking behind my car when a woman in her SUV was reversing and I passed in front of her. There was plenty of space, nothing was going on and nothing was obstructing her driving. I very rarely use my phone in public but I was coordinating a meet with a friend later that evening. As I am walking I look at the woman in the SUV and she was in a full speed ahead name calling rant. Her windows were rolled up but I could see that she says "something something f***ing b****" Omg! I couldn't believe it I froze for a brief second and said"What? Are you talking to me?" I get closer to her driver side window and proceed to loose it. I must have said the f word at least 20 times the b word equally as much and all while my friend was on the line hearing me go off and telling me to calm down. Calm down? This woman called me a f b and I had no idea why.

Just as quickly as it started it ended, she drove off. I looked around the parking lot and couldn't believe what had just taken place in a matter of a few minutes. I finally calmed down took few deep breaths and told my friend this is why people get killed sometimes and we have no clue what happened. I went on to say that sometimes you can catch someone in a bad moment and your life can change forever this woman had no idea who I was or what sort of day I had I was so close to her window I could have bashed it in and shot her or something. 

I am not a violent person nor do I believe that is the answer to solving any problem but I am saying that our mouths sometimes cause unnecessary escalations.

You just never know what is going on in someones head when you decide to pop off and say whatever comes to mind.
I don't know what sort of day she had and I don't excuse my reaction to her actions I will hold myself accountable for allowing her behavior to influence mine.

Lesson learned? I must practice harder on a slower, more calmer response time. I must practice taking a few more extra seconds to open my mouth.
At that moment I was just as careless as she was and that is not stress free living at all.
My daughter would say "yeah that's my old mom back in action lol" I say not cool.

Who's tested you lately and how did you do?

Always stress free xo

 

History repeating Itself?

If we don't learn from the past we are bond to repeat it.
If we don't learn from our mistakes we will continue to make them.
If we don't monitor ourselves and correct our poor behavior we will continue to behave poorly.

Challenge #7 on September Sapphire Even Day Blog Challenge with Kimberly from beingawordsmith.com is Repudiation.

What are 4/5 things that you do or say currently that you proclaimed as a child/ as an adolescent/ last year that you would never do?

The things I said I would never do again in my past but found myself doing them again recently are:

1- speaking over people not allowing them to finish their thoughts
in doing so I have found myself in moments I have said something I shouldn't or I missed something that I should have heard.
2- eating candy or sweets more than twice a week
this has caused me to hear my dentist say, slow your roll cut it out.
3- allowing my interactions with my siblings to upset me
not approaching our resent interactions with the knowledge I have of our past, caused me several weeks of mental discomfort and poor attitude.
4- picking at my face when I spot a pimple
that caused me a few light marks on the side of my cheek a few months back but thank heavens for Ambi products and Coco butter.
5- going to fast food restaurants periodically over the summer
caused the picking of the spotted pimple in the first place grrrrrrrrrr.

So now that I am again clear and focused and aware that hello? Remember what happened last time? I have reset my attention and intent on a better path, one breath, one step, one day at a time.

illustration by dragongeek.deviantart.com

Always stress free xo