Sexual Assault for Dummies

Hey loves so how many of you have ever used those yellow and black blah blah blah for Dummies books? You know which ones I'm talking about the one with the cartoon guy with glasses and black hair in the front, there is even a website Dummies.com.

If you haven't well just so you know if there is anything you want to learn about in a quick condensed lesson, there is a book out there for it and if you have used it you know how handy it came in with that test or issue you were having. Similar to Cliff notes back in the day.

My conversation with you today is on Sexual Assault. Everyone has been discussing it but I feel yet still many are taking it too lightly.
First the proper definition is as follows: RAINN.ORG Sexual assault is a crime of power and control. The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim.

illustration by wallpaperup

I reference this to say I feel we need one on the subject matter of Sexual Assault because it seems as serious as it is not everyone is clear on just what to consider Sexual Assault to be. I feel as a female and as a mom I am required to know exactly what falls under those terms so here is my "dummies" breakdown.

Sexual Assault:
-your Boss hovering over you and commenting on your clothes, makeup, hair, body or personal life
-the guy in the Super Market who touches you to say hello without your permission
-the guy or guys at the club that grab your hand or arm and say "let me talk to you for a minute". Well A**Hole you can totally talk to me but you were never suppose to touch me
-the teacher who insists on sitting too close or leaning too deep while explaining his lesson
-anyone exerting their sense of entitlement whether verbal or physical to intimidate your actions

In a nut shell, if you are invading my personal space and I feel uncomfortable you are Assaulting me in one way or another and that is wrong!

This is a universal issue but women especially suffer because we are groomed to go along and not rock the boat. We are taught to be polite, respect our teachers, clergymen and bosses. We are "encouraged" to play along with the team. BULLS***!

illustration by funnygifs

I am not a go along with the program type of female never have so obviously I taught my daughter and any female around me the same. Open your mouth, question and speak up is what I always say.
Don't laugh at inappropriate jokes, don't shrink in size just because your Boss is in the room. Stand your ground and know your value. Again personal space is very important you have a right to it, use it.

The Donald Trump video I can go on forever breaking down but at the core it is his sense of Entitlement that led him to this point. Money, Power and the "connections" so many of us encourage our kids when they head off the college to make. F that!, there is no connection so valuable that you would stand around and be degraded for. There is no connection worth the blatant disrespect of any female in your life.

We have a responsibility as parents to teach our children both females and males that it is not ok to speak or conduct yourself in such manor and then on top of it all try to shrug it off as "boys being boys, men being men." Locker room talk has been thrown around a lot, is that suppose to make it acceptable. "Oh he didn't know he was being recorded", does that excuse it or make it even worse?

illustration by giphy

It is time we speak up! Moms talk with sons and daughters. Sexual Assault is a must have conversation and not when you have "the talk" but from Birth! They must learn the value of themselves and that comes from home. They must learn the concept of personal space. Yes a four year old has the right to personal space.

Next time you find yourself in the middle of an exchange that makes you feel uncomfortable speak up. You don't have to make a production out of it a simple I am not comfortable with that or I am not comfortable right now will do just fine. If that isn't respected then you already know there is a bigger problem. The word NO is powerful and we must all learn to use it more often, embrace it, love it.

If you or someone you love believes they have been Sexually Assaulted look for help. Don't be or feel ashamed. You have the right to speak up without repercussions.

What do you think? Have you experienced a moment when someone crossed the line and you went along? Where you ever not clear on what constitutes Sexual Assault? Do you feel that this Donald Trump "incident" is really no big deal? Would love to hear your views.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Pettiness serves no purpose

Hey Dolls, when someone does something to you whether in person or online or in passing or through gossip I know it can be extremely difficult not to react but try it... Don't react.

We can not right another person's wrong. We can speculate as to why they behave as they do but what would be the point? It would be like a hamster going around his wheel.

illustration by pinterest

I use to tell my daughter all the time to just try to understand that not everyone was going to be happy with her accomplishments in Martial Arts. Plenty of those dads were gonna be bitter that she beat their sons. That they would perhaps even go as far as to say the calls were unfair or that she "just got lucky". The truth is people who are down on themselves find it easier to attack others. I still tell her today, don't diminish your light because someone else wants to remain in the dark. 

illustration by pinterest.com

Don't fall into their negative trap breathe, focus and keep pressing on. We must all find our own purpose.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

You're Rubbing Off on me and not in a Good way

Happy Veteran's Day to all our service men and women. I thought I would be off today and get a chance to work on some things at home but no instead I am here at my office listening to the radio and thinking... I just had someone leave my office that reminded me of recent events.

My mother was right about a few things she shared as a kid with me but one thing for certain I hold dear till this day...Dime con quien andes te dire quien eres. Loose translation is Show me who you hang with and I'll tell you who you are.

She would always say that when I would naively call everyone my friend. She would very sternly say no, that is not the correct way to express yourself...not everyone is your friend. She had this great way of reading people I hated it but most times she was correct. Years later when I too became a mother I inherited her gift.I have made some adjustments in my "gift" but for the most part people show you who they are from the get and we should never forget that. I have also realized that my "gift" isn't really a gift at all it is just part of the tools a great parent acquires.

illustration by clipfed.com

But it isn't just something that should be geared towards our children, it is something we as adults should be mindful as well.

Case in point, what I recently noticed about myself.

For several years now I have implemented more useful ways to deal with conflict. I am careful with my choice of words, I try to breathe and I if possible try to leave things alone and return to it a short time later. I credit my Meditation practice for that along with some really hard life lessons that caused me more tears than I'd like to recall. I have recently found myself surrounded by people who are time and time again testing my tools and sadly on a few occasions I failed.

I participate in several volunteer projects and other activities that allow me to interact with all types of people and for the most part I love it and encourage everyone to volunteer their time helping others. One of these projects has me surrounded by a group let's call them boisterous. This group varies in age and experience so the conversations are all over the place. I noticed that a few in the group when feeling attacked or questioned instead of being respectful or taking a breath instead latch out become very confrontational, defensive and loud. On my first exchange I did pretty good, I said ok lets calm things down, regroup and come back. On my second exchange I commented that it wasn't cool to behave this way because no one was being heard or respected and in turn nothing was going to get resolved. But on my third exchange I totally lost it! I found myself being just as loud and not using very nice words or ton. I was burning up inside and felt like a caged bird. When it was all said and done I heard nothing they had said and they heard nothing I had said. I walked away saying this is defiantly something I do not want to participate in again. My energy was depleted, I was exhausted and sadden. It reminded me of why I had changed my ways to begin with.

illustration by cliparthut.com

Poor behavior and hostility gets you no where. Chaos and drama only brings about more chaos and nothing productive comes out of that. So if you find yourself in this space as I did or if you see your kids start to behave in this manner I have some suggestions:

-talk your feelings out, don't keep them bottled in so you feel like your about to explode
-practice what you preach, if you tell your kids to relax and take a deep breath guess what you do the same
-listen, no one wants to feel ignored so take a few minutes to listen so that no one feels discarded or disrespected
-share an experience where you too behaved poorly but realized it was not the correct approach and corrected your ways
-remove yourself, if the group or the person you are with constantly brings out "the ugly" side of you reevaluate that connection, if possible discuss and if no solution found walk away

illustration by dreamstime.com

I decided to bring the subject matter up at a calmer time and we all agreed to try another way of communication. I will give it some time and see how it goes but if it doesn't change I will remove myself and invest my time and energy elsewhere.

What do you think, do you feel poor behavior is easier or harder to pick up? Do you agree or disagree with my mom? Have you noticed how some of your friends behaviors have rubbed off on you, how about your kids? Please share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Shaming

I decided to really see how common this was since you should never just solely rely on what you hear, read or are told.

This past year alone I have noticed more often than not stories of kids standing in corners with signs, or parents posting pictures of their children with notes all to show others the wrong they did and as a means of punishment.

But who are you really punishing and how is shame and humiliation coming from a parent any different than coming from a so called bully?

What lesson can I learn from putting my child and myself out in the open for the world to judge? Are my parenting skills so poor that I couldn't come up with a better solution to solve an issue in my home?

How are punishments of that magnitude lessons? How are those actions teaching moments?
How is a father wearing booty shorts to "show" his daughter that they may not be appropriate for her to wear going to stop her from finding them cute? All she could think about that is her dad looks like a total jerk.

Our responsibility as parents is to find the best route to solve a problem, to find the safest solution to curve poor behavior, to use best means to keep our children safe and feeling loved, supported and guided.

I can't even imagine ever shaming my daughter or nieces or nephews about anything they have ever done that could have been deemed as poor choice or action. I love them dearly, they are my world. How is shaming and humiliating someone you love useful?

As always I go back to communication. I go back to our choices in words. I go back to starting from birth.

- Your child can't wear so called inappropriate piece of clothing if you don't buy it for them. If they have an allowance you still have a responsibility to monitor their purchases.
- Your child won't curse at a teacher as a means of expression if you have made it clear that certain words will not be tolerated. Not to mention if you have shown that you yourself can curve your potty mouth.
- Your child won't think hitting solves all problems if he is aware of how to use other skills to resolve differences.

There is always a solution. Parenting is a work in progress one size does not fit all.
I don't want to sound corny but love and kindness will always be the best approach.

My daughter can always goes back to her freshmen year in H.S. and how she "thought" that cutting class because she was having some difficulty was the solution, not considering that though I have never been a hovering mom I am and will always be aware of her movements. Just because I don't comment doesn't mean I don't keep a tally. I guess she was so wrapped up in how not to get caught she forgot report cards keep track of your absences. Once I put the pieces together I sat her down for a talk. I talked, she listened, she talked, I listened. Solution was found. Problem solved, punishment...one month of no hanging out after school with friends or weekend sleepovers or activities. That may not seem harsh enough to some but for a child who never gets punished and whose mother never expresses disappointment in her actions, that was enough to set her back on track.

What do you think? What is your idea of the best punishment method?
I am including some links to those shaming methods stories, tell me what you think.

clutchmagonline.com
wfla.com
mommypage.com
oddee.com