Silence is Golden

I have learned the hard way that Silence is Golden.

In the past I was very quick to just say what first came to mind and to respond to a question or situation at that very moment.

The cost of me doing so changed my life completely, so much so that I will never be the same again.

I found myself in a place I didn't like and didn't want to be in. I found myself disappointed in my actions and causing myself to live within walls that weren't allowing me to grow. If we are not growing daily...then we are not truly living.

illustration by quotesgram.com

How did I learn and change?

Well I started by learning the practice of Meditation. Then I began to practice Yoga. Then I began to learn how to Listen (still working on it) Then I began to ask myself some hard questions.

-Who am I?
-What do I accomplish when I just pop off at the mouth?
-When I am speaking in haste or anger, am I still meriting respect?
-If I say what comes to mind am I adding to the problem or providing a solution?

Granted we all are emotional beings, some would say women more than men but if we allow our emotions to dictate our behavior we are just setting ourselves up for failure.
Failure in communication, in being heard, in Listening, in compromise and in respect.

illustration by myquotesclub.com

As a mother I didn't want to teach my daughter that my actions were ok. I didn't want her to think it was acceptable behavior to text, tweet, email, post or talk to anyone when she was in a moment of anger or discomfort. Most of the time once you say something it is very difficult to take it back and even saying I am sorry, won't cut it.

So next time someone upsets you, questions you or says something that causes you discomfort take a deep breath allow a few minutes to pass and then answer. You can even say I need some time to respond to that, I will have to get back to you.

Practice practice practice trust me you will be far better for it.

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you 

will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

-- Chinese Proverb

What are your thoughts, have you said something you wish you could take back and it still haunts you days, weeks even years later? Do you have any tips that can help in staying calm in times of Chaos?

Always stress free xo,

Mari 

The Free Pass that leads to an Exit Pass?

Hello my dolls today I would like to chat it up about something I've been coming across online regarding relationships. I'm going to dive in and be raw so if your on the conservative side this may be too colorful for you. I'm going to be speaking among friends so anything goes.

Ladies and my gents ( I know I have a few of you that drop by too) have you heard of something called a "Free Pass"? It's when you give your partner the ok to engage in relations outside of your committed relationship. Whether it's the woman or the man be it one time, numerous times, one day or several days. Let's sit on this for a minute.

illustration by hubpages.com

Ok now that you have a clear mental picture, what do you think about that? Would it be something you might consider in your relationship? Would you have set rules or would that be a deal breaker?

Here's my perspective. Any confident, self loving, totally self caring responsible adult would not engage in such arrangement and here's why.
If your interested in a sexual connection with someone other than your committed partner than you shouldn't be committed to begin with. You should be single and free to engage in sex with whom ever you wish without having to get " permission" from anyone. Again I said adult.

Why do people feel they have to be in committed relationships? Why do people feel they have to follow what "society" has dictated in regards to connections?
Monogamy is not for everyone and it shouldn't be pushed as the norm. No one should feel they have to follow guidelines that just aren't made for them.

Committing to just one person, engaging in sex with just one person doesn't work for all. Many factors come into play:
-maturity
-preferences
-goals
-focus

illustration by nickandzuzu.com

I'm a firm believer in honesty up front. I'm gonna tell you what I'm interested in, what I'm looking for and if you agree great we can move forward and if you don't then great I'll keep moving because I don't want to waste my time.
As a single woman who is confident in her sexuality, clarity is very important and I have learned that certain things just come with time and experience and getting to know yourself.

Men and women are looking a different things, sometimes at different times when they get together. We women automatically assume that when a man says he loves us and commits to us in his own way that that is it. But sometimes it just isn't and the same could be said about some women. Something I have invested many chats on with my daughter. Our discussions have been mutually eye opening, young people today are more aware than we give them credit for.

So let's get back to the committed part. If you decided to get with me and build with me why would I turn around later and say it's ok for you to step outside of our connection? What are we lacking that you would feel that is something you need to do? And if we are lacking something how is you stepping outside of "us" going to help our union?
Giving your partner a "Free Pass" isn't going to bring you any closer, I don't care how many times it may be said otherwise. At some point someone's feelings are going to come into play.

illustration by pinterest.com

My perspective is simple...when your single anything goes when you link up rules change. Be clear and follow through. Don't drop labels just because, saying you are committed should not be taken lightly so discuss what committed means to you before hand. 

eonline.com
nytimes.com
womenshealthmag.com

Now let's chat and share. Tell me what you think about "Free Pass" and if you have experienced this please let me know how it turned out. What did you learn, what do you think you can learn if you went this route?

Always stress free xo
Mari

You're Rubbing Off on me and not in a Good way

Happy Veteran's Day to all our service men and women. I thought I would be off today and get a chance to work on some things at home but no instead I am here at my office listening to the radio and thinking... I just had someone leave my office that reminded me of recent events.

My mother was right about a few things she shared as a kid with me but one thing for certain I hold dear till this day...Dime con quien andes te dire quien eres. Loose translation is Show me who you hang with and I'll tell you who you are.

She would always say that when I would naively call everyone my friend. She would very sternly say no, that is not the correct way to express yourself...not everyone is your friend. She had this great way of reading people I hated it but most times she was correct. Years later when I too became a mother I inherited her gift.I have made some adjustments in my "gift" but for the most part people show you who they are from the get and we should never forget that. I have also realized that my "gift" isn't really a gift at all it is just part of the tools a great parent acquires.

illustration by clipfed.com

But it isn't just something that should be geared towards our children, it is something we as adults should be mindful as well.

Case in point, what I recently noticed about myself.

For several years now I have implemented more useful ways to deal with conflict. I am careful with my choice of words, I try to breathe and I if possible try to leave things alone and return to it a short time later. I credit my Meditation practice for that along with some really hard life lessons that caused me more tears than I'd like to recall. I have recently found myself surrounded by people who are time and time again testing my tools and sadly on a few occasions I failed.

I participate in several volunteer projects and other activities that allow me to interact with all types of people and for the most part I love it and encourage everyone to volunteer their time helping others. One of these projects has me surrounded by a group let's call them boisterous. This group varies in age and experience so the conversations are all over the place. I noticed that a few in the group when feeling attacked or questioned instead of being respectful or taking a breath instead latch out become very confrontational, defensive and loud. On my first exchange I did pretty good, I said ok lets calm things down, regroup and come back. On my second exchange I commented that it wasn't cool to behave this way because no one was being heard or respected and in turn nothing was going to get resolved. But on my third exchange I totally lost it! I found myself being just as loud and not using very nice words or ton. I was burning up inside and felt like a caged bird. When it was all said and done I heard nothing they had said and they heard nothing I had said. I walked away saying this is defiantly something I do not want to participate in again. My energy was depleted, I was exhausted and sadden. It reminded me of why I had changed my ways to begin with.

illustration by cliparthut.com

Poor behavior and hostility gets you no where. Chaos and drama only brings about more chaos and nothing productive comes out of that. So if you find yourself in this space as I did or if you see your kids start to behave in this manner I have some suggestions:

-talk your feelings out, don't keep them bottled in so you feel like your about to explode
-practice what you preach, if you tell your kids to relax and take a deep breath guess what you do the same
-listen, no one wants to feel ignored so take a few minutes to listen so that no one feels discarded or disrespected
-share an experience where you too behaved poorly but realized it was not the correct approach and corrected your ways
-remove yourself, if the group or the person you are with constantly brings out "the ugly" side of you reevaluate that connection, if possible discuss and if no solution found walk away

illustration by dreamstime.com

I decided to bring the subject matter up at a calmer time and we all agreed to try another way of communication. I will give it some time and see how it goes but if it doesn't change I will remove myself and invest my time and energy elsewhere.

What do you think, do you feel poor behavior is easier or harder to pick up? Do you agree or disagree with my mom? Have you noticed how some of your friends behaviors have rubbed off on you, how about your kids? Please share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo

Mari