Who wins in a Custody Battle?

Winning is always the focus we are on when engaging in battle. We train, we set plans and strategies, we focus on our end result and we pursue our want by any means. I feel that is the mindset in anything we want to achieve. We tackle it with a fierce passion that at times can blind us.

My thoughts on relationships I have always said is no one enters them thinking of an end. Why would we, what would be the point? But don't we set up certain back up plans for some things in our lives? Cushions in case something goes wrong? Don't we have what if lists in our minds we consult at times?

My healthy perspective is to weigh as much of my options as possible. The least stressful road with the maximum result.

As a mom who never engaged in any difficult situations with my X as it pertained to our daughter I can't pretend to know what certain situations are like after a painful split. I won't try to down play all the hurt feelings that must exist and all the let downs that are felt, but I will share and say that children are innocent and should never be used as a pawn.

illustration by womansdivorce.com

Seeing the damage my sisters endured and still carry today from my mother's terrible divorce so many years ago is enough for me to want to share my two cents. Watching the entertainment news and comments about Madonna's current family issues also fuels my observation and what tipped me over the edge is watching my girlfriends current battle with a man who was once the light of her eyes.

Our jobs as parents is to want the best for our children and when they are young and can't decide for themselves we hope we have enough sense to be making the correct choices but what about when they can speak for themselves? Are our egos so strong we are willing to stampeded on their own feelings and thoughts?

My sisters were old enough to understand what was going on and to feel the pain my mom was going through trying to make the best out of her decision to split the family. They knew like I knew that it was better to be separate than together. That even though they wished they had a normal family, normal really isn't the same for everyone.

We all remember the lies, the let downs, the broken promises that were exchanged during the divorce. I believe till this day many of the things we saw at that time molded many things we do today. They were able to have an opinion about their care but no one cared to listen. They were able to express their wishes but no one was interested, the grown ups were too busy concerned with themselves and how they could beat the other one down, not realizing the ones being beat down were the children.

illustration by jdemeremason.com

I feel the same thing is going on with Madonna and her X. Her son is fifteen years old, old enough to express his wishes. And yes some may say he still requires his parents guidance but he still should have his feelings respected and considered. Who wants to be forced into living a life they no longer want? Who wants to be forced to chose one loved one over another?

Custody battle, don't you find something wrong with those words? Don't we battle our Enemies? Those who are trying to do us harm? When our intimate relationships end why do some of us want to end the parent/child relationship as well? What does one thing have to do with another? Granted there are circumstances like in anything where there are reasons to try to keep one away from the other but let's focus on the general not the exceptions.

My perspective is children deserve to be respected, regardless of age. Teaching them this at an early age and practicing it with them ourselves sets them up for knowing what is acceptable from others. Communication is the best solution to any exchange parents have with one another.

So how do we distinguish our own hurt feelings and anger from what is a safe and fare involvement with the other parent? I would think the following is a good start...

illustration by stglaw.com

-time, don't rush to "move on" but be honest with yourself on why you are angry
-separation, don't lump in your feelings with that of your child(ren), the adult connection is finished not the parent connection
-space, don't force moments in which you will both be in the same room if you are not yet ready for the encounter

So many tools can be used and so much help can and should be asked for but sometimes egos get in the way. No one wins when the bitterness inside is eating away at your soul. No one benefits when you forget yourself and focus on hurting the other. In the end it will be you that truly remains hurt.

What do you think? How would you handle a custody issue with your kids? If you have gone through this how did you handle it and do you think back now and realize you could have done something different? Should dealing with a future x and the well being of your children ever escalate to a Custody Battle?

Always stress free xo
 Mari

Can we achieve Civility in Co-Parenting?

So you have reached the end of your rope.

You have either accepted things must end and you have to begin to wrap up this chapter or you have been surprised by this turn of events and are asking yourself why?

I never believe when I hear comments like "I never saw it coming".
If you sit in silence for a few minutes you will accept that there were indeed signs of "something" you just didn't want to see it.
Nothing just "ends", things lead up to it.

So now that the end is here how do you handle your hurt, your pain, your anger and your new roles with your children? How do you process these changes while still aiming at being the best parents you can be?

I've thought about this for a while and took into account my own separation. I also sat down and reviewed several separations I have witnessed over the years and think I came up with something to think about.

How about a little distance?

How about we give the grown ups some space and designate another party to handle the exchange of our kids. Meaning, we find someone we agree on be it friend or family. We agree to drop off and pick up in such place in the meantime while our emotions get in order.
We have no personal exchanges in front of the kids until we have sorted out our feelings.

Separation or Divorce is difficult enough without having to see this persons face more often than necessary so why not try working on not seeing one another and still allowing our kids to have both their parents?

I believe our emotions are the root to all the discord in ending any relationship but they become more of a weapon when it comes to the end in our intimate relationships.
We are dealing with not just emotional endings but a physical one as well.
This is indeed a very difficult time for both parties. To try and remain great parents and great human beings period is a tough pill to swallow.

illustration by lovingyourchild.com

Civility from the start I believe is a challenge but can be doable. We can continue to make our children our priority while still keeping some sanity at a time where nothing seems stable.
We can still have some sort of control where we feel all control has been lost.

In this time of chaos our loved ones can be a great source of support and strength. They can help us remain level headed and focused. They can provide us with a place of security so that our children can also feel safe and loved.

So what do you think? Is choosing distance over suffocation an option worth looking into? Is distance the answer to Civil Co-Parenting? Can there ever be a civil way to Co-Parent?

Always stress free xo.