A Thanksgiving of Reflection

Hey! I didn't want this day to go by without me connecting with you and sharing some thoughts. I just walked in from grandma duties and last minute grocery shopping for the "big food day" tomorrow. Traffic was crazy and the stores were a mess but its the same every year nothing really changes or does it?

Grandmas doing well, right now all the stars have aligned and my routine has no hiccups. Our talk today was sweet which has become more of the norm. For those new to my blog I care for my 93 year old grandmother how has Alzheimers. As she held my hand and we sat and talked she asked me several times how many children did I have. Each and every time I said one and she laughed. She said "You have only one child why, what happened?" I said that nothing happened but life. That I worked and as time passed my family just didn't grow. She laughed at my answer and shook her head and told the home attendant that was crazy. Her disease allows these moments to pass by so quickly which allows me not sit in the moment like if it was a regular conversation with a regular person.

As she looked at a picture of her mother who passed away when she was perhaps in her mid thirties to early forties she sigh and let a dry cry out. Those where you make the sound but no visible tears are in your eyes she asked me "Did you ever meet my mother, she is dead now, I miss her so much." I responded with "No I never met her but yes I know she is gone now." She then held my hand tighter and asked "How about your mother, is she dead or is she alive?" My mother is her daughter but she doesn't remember that and yes she is still alive but we don't speak.

things I keep on my fridge to maintain my focus

I don't share the details but I tell her that yes my mother is alive. She seems to brighten up and says "How lucky are you to have her alive, I hope you two are close and you take care of each other." I drop my head and take a deep breath. I hold her hand and say "I take care of you and that is whats important." I may be "lucky" that my mother is alive but we aren't close and we don't take care of each other. My mother has Emphysema and the last time I saw her was perhaps three years ago when I went to visit her in the hospital.

Something happened to my mom after her marriage to my two younger sister's father ended after seventeen years together. I guess her broken heart never fully healed and life just became something you go through not something you take part in. The mom I knew and loved slowly faded away. Little by little the talks and visits became less and the arguments and disagreements became more. That trickled onto my relationships with my sisters as well. Tell one argument became so ugly we didn't speak for about four years. Then one day I reached out to my sisters and we got together for dinner but that was a roller coaster ride of the same issues and emotions.

I tried to connect as best I could but I had to walk away again and that lasted for some time until I tried again and that trickled into my second relationship and didn't end well and I had to walk away again. Then my sisters called to say my mother was in the hospital. I remember the conversation as if it were yesterday. I'm in my office and my boss says I have a call from my sister Christina, I said that can't be and he said but it is. I answer the phone and she says "Hello Mari, sorry to bother you but I thought you should know that mom is in the hospital. She isn't doing so great. I wasn't going to call you but thought out of respect that you are her oldest daughter you should know. She is in blah blah hospital if you want to come see her."

illustration by pinterest

Ok now what caught your attention most from that convo? Was it the "sorry to bother you or the thought you should know or the I wasn't going to call you but...?" For me it was all the above and beyond. I just sat in my chair looking around my office in disbelief. As instincts dictate I grab the info and go to my boss and let him know the situation and proceed to leave to go see my mother. On the drive there I'm talking to myself saying how I can't believe these are the circumstances that are leading me to see them again. I get to the hospital and get a semi loving welcome and a "sorry to put you out of your way" comment again.

I visited my mother every day she was in there and my daughter too. It was heartbreaking to see my child sit through all the uncomfortableness that was clearly surrounding us. Yes the conversations were pleasant but we were treated more like strangers than family. As her eldest daughter that should not be what I was feeling. I remained in contact for about two weeks after she left to hospital. I tried all I could to help and when nothing seemed to work I wrote my sisters an email that as of right now still hasn't been answered. A week after I sent the email, I walked away. Here we are three years later.

I share this today in reflection of what Thanksgiving is suppose to mean and what it really means to me. I am not preparing my guest room for family and I am not on a flight to any specific destination. I am home preparing to share a special meal with my daughter and our friend. I am at my destination I am with my family. I am exactly where I need to be and where saving myself has bought me. You see loving people especially your family sometimes just isn't enough. And when it isn't enough and you have exhausted every means you have to save yourself.

illustration by pinterest

A Thanksgiving of Reflection of being grateful for how far I have come and how much I have healed. Of how I have channeled that love that isn't reciprocated into giving my time and attention to my volunteer projects. On not focusing on what isn't and my never be but instead continuing to send them love and investing my energy on who and what is in front of me and build on that. Not bitterness but love that drives me not hate but empathy and compassion is what I strive for.

As you sit with those you love and share a meal remember to express your gratitude loudly! Don't think that they know you love them, tell them. If you feel you need to try again and make amends do it! Thanksgiving is not just about the food and lavish settings and rushing to go shopping. Thanksgiving is truly about those who have added to your life and blessed you with love.

I am grateful for you all that come visit with me and read what I have to say. I am grateful for the opportunity to connect with if not just one of you that may be feeling unheard or like you are the only one who is going through or has gone through whatever it is that I have shared. I am grateful for the love of my beautiful daughter, my sunshine my everything. She is the reason I do all I do. I am grateful for the authentic friendships I have built and continue to build. I am grateful for just life. Everyday is beautiful, every day we have a choice. Choose to live your best life. And to my mother, thank you for giving me Life.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Talk to Learn not to Win

Happy Sunday!

I got up this morn bright and early excited to go lay out in the sun but the clouds got in my way. I walked back home and as I was walking back from the park I had a thought...
How often do we talk to learn and not to win? What do I mean by that? I mean, how often do we engage in conversations about any topic that may turn serious in which we are willing to learn instead of saying "ok you win"?

Its hard to recall when you have lived a long life all the things that have come out of your mouth but if you know yourself well enough you know the language you are use to using. For me and my journey and my life experiences the words "you win" in a discussion are foreign. Of course when you are passionate about that which you speak of you want others to at least understand if not respect where you are coming from but to feel a sense of winning the question is just what did you win?

illustration by quotesgram.com

When you know better you do better when I was younger I spoke because I wanted to be heard. I had strong opinions and always had to have my say. I became a mother and I was still the same way but then I gradually tweaked it to include a balance with my child. No longer was my view "the view" it was just "a view". No longer was my opinion "the opinion" it was now about let me hear what you have to say so we can work at this "together".

Today my daughter is 21years old and we still talk a lot and about some very serious topics. We both have some very strong views but our love for one another and respect always brings us back to learning. We will never "win" if we are hurting one another. As parents it can be tough for us to see our children grow and have their own sense of self and opinions but that is what we strive for. That is why we put the long hours, late nights and endless energy towards. We want them to grow into healthy productive human beings.

illustration by pinterest

Next time you are caught up in your feelings about a subject matter that you feel strongly about instead of thinking win or lose think learn learn learn and it will blossom into win win win in the long run. Look at the bigger picture.

What are some ways we can practice this?
-slow down and breathe
-look at each other while you speak, it doesn't have to be long but just long enough to acknowledge each other's presence and value
-be aware its a conversation, not a game
-practice being in the other person's shoes
-ask yourself "is this really that important?" at the end of the day
-be mindful of your words, carelessness never is pretty

What are your thoughts? Do you feel you have to "win" everytime you engage in deep conversation about a passionate topic or any topic in general? Do you talk to learn or are you just rushing through? Are you willing to make some changes if you yourself are guilty of this train of thought? Share your experience.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

The making of a Good Father

Good Morning! Today my calendar says its Father's Day so in going with that flow I want to chat about the following and say...

 Happy Father's Day to all the great dads in the world you are truly appreciated and loved but I especially want to shout out all the fathers who regardless of their circumstances step up to the plate and do their part in parenting. I want to wish you a day of love, peace, health and kindness. I want to acknowledge that as a mother I am proud you have made all the efforts to remain relevant in your child's life. I want to say that not all of us single mother's or women think you are an a**hole. We are not all bitter and reckless with our words and actions when referencing you in connection with our children.

illustration by techuloid.com

I want to acknowledge the little things you do and the small ways you have made a lasting impression on your child(ren). Perhaps just by cutting up their fruits on your lunch date or combing your daughter's hair before you bought her back home. Maybe when you dropped by his after school just to say hello before his mother picked him up or perhaps by going shopping with her for her prom dress. The times you left work early to catch your kids baseball game, the many times you had to listen to unkind words at the front door just to have your child over for the weekend.

We never speak about that father who left the relationship but never left the child.

I know many of them my father was one and my daughter's father is one. They are awesome men. I love them so.

I may not see my father now but I have great memories of him as a child. My parents split shortly after I was born from what I can recall and the stories I have heard but my father never left me. He is in every picture of my many milestones and every summer he would come and get me so I could stay with him for a few weeks. My father helped my mom pay for my Catholic school education, my father took me clothes shopping, my father took me sightseeing in New York City. My father sat right next to my mom and her new husband at my eighth grade graduation. Those memories no one can ever take away. My father was a loving kind man and always loving and respectful towards my mom. I never saw a poor exchange. When I turned 18 and went to live with him my father made me breakfast every morning just before he left for work. My father taught me way back when even though I didn't listen, the importance of choosing our words carefully, of working hard and of respecting all. Hard work and respect I grabbed quickly choosing my words came later but I appreciate all the time he took to teach me those lessons.

illustration by heavy.com

My parents didn't work out as a couple but so what, he was still my father and had my mother not been reasonable enough to co-parent I would have lost out on knowing a whole other side of me.

My daughter had a longer run with her father actually being in a household with her so her memories are vast and run deeper than mine. The times I had to leave for work early and he stayed behind and got her ready. The things father's teach their sons my daughter's father taught her because he saw no difference in gender. Shopping for her first bra he was there, video games and bloody movies he was there, school plays and shows he was there, Tae Kwon Do events he was there helping her carry her trophies. He was there.
When we split up we made it a point to be clear, we are not a couple but we will always be in some sort of way a family unit.

We broke up, they didn't break up. He will always be her father.

How can I invest my energy in bashing or keeping my daughter's father away from her? Why? What is there to gain.

Single mother's from my perspective somehow want to link their emotions and personal history with the father and the child. I am not suggesting there won't be a period of adjustment, a time required for healing and continued growth but I am saying that our children did not ask for this they just want to be loved by both their mom and dad and if he is still around and willing and able to do so then let him.

Don't deprive your child of that connection and love, it will be you in the end who is the bad guy not the other way around. Children remember and will connect the dots. The many times their father showed up and you caused a scene will stay in the back of their minds, the times you said ugly things about their father but his actions showed something else, they will recall.

We are suppose to protect and love our children, want the best for them surround them with love. If their father wants to continue to do those things and more but just not with you along for the ride, be a better person and allow it.

illustration by wishabuddy.com

Help build a better society of men remaining a part of their children's lives. Encourage the visits, the calls, the connection. By us behaving better as mothers, as women, as a single parent we are further cultivating a healthy, loving, gentler, more present male today and for years to come for any child who's parents just didn't work out as a couple, again this isn't about you its about what is best for your child.

Again I point out, don't get it twisted. I am referring to the father who is willing and able. The father who wants to do the right thing but runs into obstacles because of pride and ego.

So let's go out and enjoy this day and let's encourage any time that these two people can be together, the Making of a Good Father can start now.

Share your thoughts or memories of great moments with your dad.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Measuring our lives in Moments

Measuring our lives in Moments, I love the sound of that statement. I wonder how many of us if we knew that our end was near would we be rushing through some of our lives moments.
Would we be speeding our way through dinner with a friend just to catch our favorite television show? Would we really invest time with someone we didn't like, just because we feel we have to? Would we think that Social Media was the best thing ever?

I can't say exactly where I ran across this statement but I haven't been able to shack the mark it left since I did. I find myself thinking about it every time I start to feel like I am rushing. I used it the other day while I was in the park meditating. I had to stop and ask myself what was the rush if this was my time, my moment. Why was I so concerned about heading back to the house to get my laundry done?

illustration by brainy quote.com

When my daughter comes in my room and throws herself on my bed while I am working sometimes I have to admit I get annoyed. She clearly sees I am in the middle of something, does she just not care? Is everything just about her? No. I have changed my perspective to be that she just wants to share her day and why not be present when there will come a day that moment will be gone. So now I gladly save my work and close my computer. Work can wait a few more minutes.

I spoke to my girlfriend's parents the other morning and her mom began to ramble on about our teenage years, did I have the time for it no. I was at work, had a desk full of papers and reports to complete I was just touching base but did I brush her off and hang up? No. I realized she was missing talking to her youngest daughter, who is no longer with us and I am the closest thing besides her eldest daughter that she has to talk to in that way. I enjoyed the moment because my girlfriend isn't here to do so.

my friend gave me the nickname Persephone, she's too cute

illustration by library.creativecow.net

Looking at myself in the mirror the other night as I was removing my makeup I took a long look at my hair. I leaned in and grabbed my streaks of gray/silver by my right temple and smiled. It is beautiful. I earned those gray hairs just by living. I don't think it was stress I think its from experience. Another chapter in my life. I see my grandmother and her hair is beautiful. A full head of gray, that will be me someday. I enjoyed that moment, my 44 year old self told my 20 something year old self yes we are still here!

There are just so many moments in our daily lives that can bring us comfort, joy, warmth and laughter. The fast pace we live in distracts us and makes us miss their importance. What can we do to slow this down? In my photography I implement a few things...

-walking slowly
-taking deep breaths
-looking in all directions
-disconnecting from any distractions

Taking these few steps helps me to capture something that normally would be missed.

How are you measuring your life? Is it by what you have acquired or by the time you volunteered to carpool your daughter's track team? Is it in the square footage of your home or that time you cuddled up in bed to watch scary movies with your son? Is it with the many likes on your pictures or with the time your friend cooked you a meal because you were too sick? Do you find yourself smiling because of the many moments or are you sad because you haven't had enough?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

The Impact we have on Others

Have you ever been in the middle of something you do often and totally looked at it in a new light, as if you were doing it for the very first time? You stop and take stock and see things in a whole new way?

This happened to me a few nights ago as I sat with my grand mother, baby #2. I'm there a few times a week and the routine is farely the same, the only surprise is her attitude. In what reflective mindset I will find her is a role of the dice but all else is the same.

As I sat next to her and she asked if I had any children for the tenth time I answered again yes one daughter. Of course her response is well I never met her you must bring her with you next time to which I respond ok. As I ask her if she has any children and she says no I begin to point at pictures around the apartment. I tell her she has five children she laughs and says I'm crazy as she says that she takes her finger and pokes my cheek and laughs. Again she says I'm crazy and giggles.

illustration by nataliefranke.com

I say no vieja I'm not and I begin to call out the names and relation and as I'm doing this she reaches out and grabs my hand in hers, starts massaging it and is holding on with a big smile on her face. She does this often sometimes when I walk through the door or just when I'm about to leave but this particular time as I got to my mother's name and telling her our connection it felt very different.

It felt very loving and peaceful almost like she was telling me, thank you for being by my side. Thank you for not leaving me alone. Thank you for the physical love and attention.

The impact we have on others sometimes goes unnoticed. We are in a daily rush a constant count down of time. Moving from one activity to another never just embracing the moment.
Caring for someone who is aware of your efforts is one thing. You can measure the progress in many ways and the memories live on forever but caring for someone who's memories are minute to minute like my grandmother is a huge challenge. Alzheimer's disease forces you to always be creative and be creating something short lasting. The Impact has to be immediate and worth while. The impact has to stop all time.

Next time you call a friend or get together for lunch. Next time you visit your mom or dad or drop the kids off at school...stop and think. How that particular exchange is impacting their lives and if it's one  that leaves an ever lasting smile in their memory.

-be mindful
-be kind
-be loving
-be in the moment

illustration by twitter.com

What do you think? Are you aware of the impact you have on your loved ones? How about strangers, do they walk away with a smile or a frown? Do you make the effort to truly connect when you engage with others? If you don't why not try it today?

Always stress free xo,
Mari

When Budgeting isn't the Problem

Every first of the month I do a finance review. I look over my bank statements and see how I have been spending my money. Sometimes I get up from that table pretty upset. I see way to many trips to CVS or Walgreens and I shack my head. I know I haven't used my money wisely. The family I was born into and the resources available to them and later on to me didn't leave room for many extras. I try not to repeat history but sometimes I fail.
You hear or read so often about how money doesn't bring you happiness but my perspective is that those who say that have it and don't know how to use it.

My daughter and I had a great conversation the other night in reference to finances. Being a product of two parents who have struggled with money issues in various degrees throughout their life time she has a very strong do's and dont's approach when it comes to money.

Being a single mother today I want to make sure that my daughter has put in place certain safety nets that she can grab on to later in life. One of those is investing. I have always felt that investing is one key to financial stability but my daughter has a different take on that. She feels investing is great but we need to invest on ourselves and not someone else's product.

illustration by debtfreeadventure.com

She believes investing is not for the poor or "middle class" unless you have large amounts of money that you are not solely relying on. She uses my desire to buy Google and Apple stock all the time. She always forces me to ask myself the question "how much stock do you think you will need to own in order for you to see some sort of financial reward?" The answer unfortunately is always the same...a lot.

So what's a person to do when you want to build financial security? When your last name isn't Kennedy or Wayans or Trump or Kardashian?

For me budgeting isn't the problem. I don't have issues following a budget my problem is that my financial responsibilities exceed my monthly income. So whats a person to do when this is the card they are dealt? I've implemented a few things in my life that allow me to not stress out as I did when I was younger.

-$25.00. That is my go to number when it comes to saving. I have that amount automatically deducted from my account weekly and deposited into my Emigrant Direct account. I don't concern myself with where is the interest higher because unfortunately it isn't in many places right now but at least if I need money for a car repair or emergency, that stash is there.

-52 week challenge. I've done it twice and twice it saved me from tough spots. Again some people unless they see a large number never feel they are doing enough but small steps become giant leaps.

-tax refund. Stop thinking that your refund is extra money, it isn't. It's actually money you could have been receiving in every paycheck if the correct taxes are being taken out. Why struggle during the year only to get a lump sum in the end and waste it? Speak to your accountant or someone else that has knowledge you can benefit from, look into your options. For those who still enjoy getting that lump "extra", use it to open an IRA or save it!

-repurposing items. By this I mean I try never to buy new I look for used or start "shopping" in my own home first. We tend to have things in closets that with a little imagination, creativity and a few dollars can become new again.

-thrifting. my daughter put me on to this one. Many people use a great quality item once and discard, why not be the happy recipient of that item!

illustration by quotes gram.com

-clothes shopping second hand. ThredUp is my go to. The quality is amazing and the prices are great. Again why spend more when you can save more.

-coconut oil. This may sound ridiculous but have you calculated how much we spend, especially women on face and hair products and shaving needs? Walk around your house and start adding the numbers...you will be floored. I purchase a large jar and use it for everything. From makeup removal to toast spread to shaving to hair mask. Google all its uses save some money.

-addictive email. Remove yourself from all store emails! You don't need to be alerted on every sale. When you need you search, you shop around then buy.

-store brands.I have for many years used store brands over name brands. CVS for example has wonderful paper products that are just as good or even better than Bounty or Charmin. Don't get stuck on Labels.

-know what you owe and know what you make. Many of us are afraid to really look at those numbers but when you do they liberate you. It doesn't mean that a miracle will happen over night and your paycheck will grow, but it does mean you will be more aware of where what you do have is going. Cut corners wherever you can, every little bit helps. I use to grab some goodies at Dunkin Donuts every day, now I shop at Western Beef once a week and pick up goodies to bring from home.

These are just a few of the things I use in my life to remain stress free. I don't deprive myself of fun or luxuries I just look for inexpensive ways of doing them. I love my time at the Salon, I love eating out, I enjoy decorating my apartment, I have a nice car but all with mindful living. Not to mention I have a daughter in college and we have another year or so to go.

Living comfortable is possible but only if you stop looking in someone else's window or scrolling through someone else's Face Book. Work with what you have and don't be afraid to say I'll pass and learn to hibernate. It is totally ok to sit some things out.

illustration by page covers.com

What tips and tricks do you use to better stretch your money. How do you save for emergencies and entertainment? What are your thoughts on investing for financial security? Would love to read your comments.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Stop Apologizing

illustration by sarahkoontz.com

Hey my lovelies, happy Hump day!

I've been staring out the window in my office watching the cars go by and a huge smile came across my face thinking about my visit with my grandmother (baby #2) last night. She has linoleum flooring in the living room and for months now she has been very upset at the fact a piece under the sofa has torn away. She keeps asking me to fix it because "se ve muy feo (it looks very ugly)". So finally last night I invested my time on that. I had a friend of mine come with so we could take care of her floor.

During our visit and repairs I sat with her we laughed she asked the same five questions I answered in five different ways lol and we just cuddled up while my friend took care of her floor. I bought her a bag a seedless red grapes which she actually loves and expresses so. During our question session she asked about my daughter I showed her a picture of both of them on Sunday and she said "that's not me, I never met her before". I said "oh really, ok so look here is a better picture of her and I will tell her to come see you soon." I showed her a picture of my lil mama and widened the shot so she could see her face clearer. When I did this and handed her the phone I could see the joy in her eyes, she keep poking at my daughter's cheeks in the picture and smiling and giggling. I got teary eyed and had to take a deep breath. I got teary eyed on Sunday too, this situation really works on my emotions.

illustration by stepheniezamora.com

I share this story to pin point how precious life is, how valuable time is to valuable to be Apologizing for doing and being who we are.

Stop Apologizing for:

-not exercising

-exercising too much

-wearing tight jeans

-not wearing tight jeans

-having and enjoying sex with your partner or whom ever

-not having kids

-having more than two kids

-eating a piece a cake

-drinking your favorite wine

-not wearing makeup

-staying in bed all day

-going out to dinner and leaving the kid(s) at home

-buying yourself something nice

-not picking up the phone

-not following your friend on social media

-being single and loving your freedom

-choosing NOT to get married but starting your family

-being married and wanting to stay at home with your kids

Stop Apologizing for following your heart! For doing and being authentic to what makes you jump for joy and walk around with a smile on your face. For drawing outside the lines and for saying NO.

Be happy! Wake up with a smile, go to bed with a smile. Live in peace in your own skin. When the end of your journey is here what would you want your thoughts to be? Flashbacks of someone else's life or Your Life?

Always stress free xo

Mari

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day

illustration by cliparthut.com

I had a totally different idea of what this day would mean to me this year. I actually had grand plans dancing in my head as I thought of what I would want this day to be like for me but as we all know Life sometimes has other ideas for us. So what did my Mother's day / weekend look like 2016?

I had a great Friday evening with my Grandma even though she has no clue of days I had a nice visit we had some laughs and I got home without feeling drained. Saturday I woke up early had an awesome Yoga class and Meditation that set the tone for a surprise trip to Philly to a Chinese Lantern show which was amazing! Took great pics here are a few...

This trip taught me the following lessons:

-be open to change

-stay calm

-hardheaded people don't work well together

-its easy to say you want to be one way but unless you make the efforts its just empty words

-mothers are always mothering Some One

-keep your eyes open, there is Beauty every where

-don't forget to Breathe

-say thank you in the beginning because you never know how it will end

-letting others lead is harder than I thought especially if you are the one who is always the Leader

-thank the Heavens I practice Yoga and Meditation

illustration by thinknice.com

Saturday's trip was so filled with activities and a variety of emotions that I was totally drained come Sunday morning. I got up early took some deep breaths while still laying in bed rec'd my first call of the day from my BFF in Florida we chatted for a few then hung up. I said a peaceful mantra and called my mother to no surprise I got her voice mail so left a simple message and let it go. When I hung up I decided all I wanted to do was stay home and be quiet. I was treated to a delish breakfast then I got up opened my windows, watered my plants and cleaned my apartment. The smell of lavender always makes me happy. Because of homework responsibilities we also had to make some adjustments so late afternoon Lil mama and I went for Mother/Daughter mani/pedi date and came back home. We made a quick meal and she hit the books. I spent several hours sitting with my daughter as she did her homework on the computer. Her assignments are online and this class has been giving her some difficulty because of time it takes to complete the assignments in addition to her other classes and her work schedule.

illustration by pinterest.com

As she sat there in tears for a second week in a row and attempted to complete 100 questions by midnight in which she explained each question has over 5 parts and take about 20/30 minutes each I just sat there and listened as she shared her school experience in comparison to students who only go to school and don't have a need to work. I sat there and offered what little words of encouragement I could, I got up and made her some Yogi Stress reliever tea, I sat back down again and listened some more. I asked how is it that we have gotten to online classes where teachers aren't even assisting their students? Where is my money going? Who is it helping? How come more parents aren't aware of this situation? Her answer?...most parents have no idea what there college kid is going through when they are in their room alone doing homework with the door closed.

Most parents remember their college experience and think that their child is having the same but they are not. Most parents aren't sitting down with their kid talking to them like you are. None of my friends parents are sitting with them right now like you are with me.

That was heart breaking it is heart breaking. To see my daughter crying over a homework assignment, to see her struggle with a class not because she isn't grasping the material but because of her work load and Life responsibilities is something no parent wants to experience. To be helpless and all I can do is listen and pass her tissues. Midnight came and she still didn't finish her assignment.

We got up from the dinning table, I helped her clean up, gave her plenty of hugs and kisses some more tea and said we will figure something else out for next week. We said our good nights and we each went to our bedrooms.

illustration by pinterest.com

Alone in my room I thought to myself "carrying for someone really doesn't take much but being Present. This day didn't turn out as I expected and it continues to be a sad disappointment that my mother is not Present but I sure am grateful for being able to be Present for my daughter. Happy Mother's Day"

Always stress free xo

Mari 

Maturity & Timing are Everything

Happy Sunday! Had a great chat with my lil mama this morning before we both went off on errand runs and I wanted to share my walk away. She was sharing how her evening out with friends had gone and the things they had come across.

She recently turned 21 but I laugh because she refers to her 17 year old self as if it was a life time ago. I guess if your perspective is always expanding it could somehow feel that way. She was talking about men and how they were approached last night and how in her age group the males have been falling short on what they are bring to the plate and have to offer. She shared their pick up lines and their over all appearance etc...

I was laughing the whole time because she reminded me of my friends and I at her age though I was already in a committed relationship with her father at that time. I remembered the list of must haves and the "look" we were aiming for and the what we would and would not accept chatter. I know times  have changed when my daughter says that parents are doing a poor job of raising their boys to be strong men and not wimps.

illustration by quotegrams.com

She pointed out that guys have forgotten how to pay attention to the small stuff and that timing is everything. That sarcasm isn't cute and goofy lines aren't funny. That contrary to what society wants to paint women want men to actually approach them with something deep and thought provoking so that a great conversation can evolve. 

Times are changing indeed so parents of boys if you haven't started yet start so now because the females are coming up stronger and wiser than ever! They have plenty to say and aren't afraid to say it and they aren't looking for someone to tell them what they already know about themselves...that they are beautiful. What they would like to hear instead is "hey, I saw you and automatically thought what can I do to add to your greatness."

My takeaway was how proud I am to bare witness to such an intelligent young woman who knows what she wants and knows her value without tearing down another. Who surrounds herself with people who want to make a difference in their lives and in society and aren't wrapped up in the shine being sold on social media. Confidence is a great thing to encourage I feel as parents we need to focus more on that and less on trying to fit in with everyone. I always say it is best to show your best self than the worst imitation. 

illustration by quotes gram.com

What do you think? In the list of things to teach our boys what are your priorities? 

Always stress free xo

Mari

See the Bigger Picture

Happy Sunday!

I have several things I wanted to touch on and was struggling to tie them all together so I just pressed my Brainsparker app and decided to go with whatever came up. The prompt was See the Bigger picture.

Just how do you see the bigger picture when it involves loss and or sadness? How do you see past the pain so you can smile again? How do think past the pain you feel in that moment?

illustration by veroniquepalmer.com

This past week the world lost another great creative soul, Prince. So many labels can be attached to his name but for me it's about the body of work he gave us. His lyrics, his thoughts, his presentation, his purpose. To be his authentic self and gift you with his talent and if you understood great but if you didn't great too. Creative people don't worry about everyone jumping on their wagon. They only want those that respect and can be open to see and hear things from different views to come along on their ride. I will forever be grateful he was one of a kind. His comfortable in your own skin ways was extremely attractive and very freeing. Though I am sad you are no longer physically here I know your gifts will continue to come.

my fav Prince song! Diamonds and Pearls 

We are selfish human beings, we expect those we care about to always be around but we all know that is not true. Death is part of the Living package. We just want to ignore it or put it out of our minds...until it's too late.

A friend of mine as we spoke about Prince's transition commented how grateful he was that he and his dad had mended their relationship before he himself had transitioned. I said how awesome that was and then thought about my own parents. I didn't feel sad for me I felt sad for them. They have wasted so many years consumed in their own bubble to even think outside of themselves and all they are missing out on. To live a selfish life one that doesn't reap rewards but instead sews rotten seeds is shameful. To leave behind in people's minds regrets instead of celebrations is a tragedy.

Oddly enough my lil mama and I went to a private fan gathering for Alicia Keys the same night Prince left us and she shared with us some amazing new material I can't wait for the whole world to hear but she shared this song and asked everyone in the audience to go home and calculate how many days they themselves have been on this earth. The song is called 28,000 days. That's about 76 years my grandma is almost 93. Let's think about these numbers. I am 44 and I have lived just a little past 16,000 days. Does that seem like a lot to you? Heck nooooo, not to me. So imagine thinking about those numbers and reviewing how many of those were wasted days?

See the Bigger picture! Bet you never thought of your life in days? My perspective is wasting time is for those who see no value in themselves or others. When you value the people and things in your life you cherish and nurture every moment. So what should you do now that you know your number? How about finding better ways to make them count! See the Bigger picture, stop wasting time.

What have you realized that you have wasted time on? Is there something that now you think you are ready to explore and let go of? Do you tend to look at the Bigger picture or stay stuck on the small screen?

Always stress free xo.
Mari

Why am I Here?

Happy Sunday!

illustration by charlotteengelstudio.com

Today is the day after my lil mama's 21st Birthday. I am resting up from all the running around I did yesterday but happy to say my dinner was a great success! Her fav stuffed shells had a little crunch to them I added sweet peppers. Delish results, the b'day girl was pleased.

Then I had ordered custom balloons from Party city and totally forgot they were in my car waiting to be inflated and had to go back out when I was already parked at home.

I can't believe my baby is so grown...

She was like ok this is great I feel the love but I have another party to go to...

and this was a short time ago...the party continues on her way to brunch with some friends.

Happy 21st Birth Day my Sunshine! So blessed to have you in my life 

and always honored to be 

your mother xoxo

Live with Purpose

illustration by flabyouloss.wordpress.com

Always stress free xo

Mari

Taking the Bitter with the Sweet

Hey Dolls happy Wednesday! Hope we are all doing well and getting ready for our weekend. I am super excited for my lil mama's big 21 on Saturday. Have all the food items bought and ready to go and I got her custom made balloons at Party City can't wait to share the pics with you soon.

Today as I sit in my office looking at the beautiful sunshine coming through my window I find my thoughts wondering to how in life certain occasions can be full of happiness but have a mini trail of sadness.

illustration by popsugar.com.au

How can it be the love of my life will be turning 21 years old and have no immediate relatives but myself to share in this moment? No over joyed grandparents, no excited aunts & uncles, no fun loving cousins, no beaming with pride Father? How can it be that what most of us grow to take for granted which is family my daughter and I really don't have?
We have no control over the families we are born into that is just fate. We can only control the roll we play in that family we do land in.

illustration by pinterest

I am grateful for the small circle I have built that is truly our family. Full of love, support and acceptance. Full of positive energy, lots of hugs and smiles. Ready to always shine a mirror on us to remind us of our amazing beauty and self worth. Always there to remind us of how far we have come and all we have over come.

Family is what you make it and if the one you were born into doesn't know your worth, takes away more than they add, hurts your spirit more than they help you shine then don't be afraid to let them go. It is ok to value yourself more than the blood running through your veins. Poor behavior is never ok to stick around with even if it is family. We are conditioned to think "yeah but that's my family" instead of "yeah that is my family, and because it is such I shouldn't be treated that way" that we never stop to question things until we know better until we know our worth.

illustration by thequotepedia.com

I will continue to take the Bitter with the Sweet, its an awesome alternative to wanting to pull my hair out or scream at the top of my lungs. Sharing some quotes that have helped me through the years heal what was once broken perhaps they can help you as well.
Now back to happy thoughts about my lil sunshine!!!

illustration by sarahdeanna.com

What do you think? Is it ever ok to sacrifice your sanity and well being just because of sense of duty? Are there ever lines you shouldn't cross or is all fair game when it comes to family? Share your experiences and comments with me.

Always stress free xo

Mari 

Who wins in a Custody Battle?

Winning is always the focus we are on when engaging in battle. We train, we set plans and strategies, we focus on our end result and we pursue our want by any means. I feel that is the mindset in anything we want to achieve. We tackle it with a fierce passion that at times can blind us.

My thoughts on relationships I have always said is no one enters them thinking of an end. Why would we, what would be the point? But don't we set up certain back up plans for some things in our lives? Cushions in case something goes wrong? Don't we have what if lists in our minds we consult at times?

My healthy perspective is to weigh as much of my options as possible. The least stressful road with the maximum result.

As a mom who never engaged in any difficult situations with my X as it pertained to our daughter I can't pretend to know what certain situations are like after a painful split. I won't try to down play all the hurt feelings that must exist and all the let downs that are felt, but I will share and say that children are innocent and should never be used as a pawn.

illustration by womansdivorce.com

Seeing the damage my sisters endured and still carry today from my mother's terrible divorce so many years ago is enough for me to want to share my two cents. Watching the entertainment news and comments about Madonna's current family issues also fuels my observation and what tipped me over the edge is watching my girlfriends current battle with a man who was once the light of her eyes.

Our jobs as parents is to want the best for our children and when they are young and can't decide for themselves we hope we have enough sense to be making the correct choices but what about when they can speak for themselves? Are our egos so strong we are willing to stampeded on their own feelings and thoughts?

My sisters were old enough to understand what was going on and to feel the pain my mom was going through trying to make the best out of her decision to split the family. They knew like I knew that it was better to be separate than together. That even though they wished they had a normal family, normal really isn't the same for everyone.

We all remember the lies, the let downs, the broken promises that were exchanged during the divorce. I believe till this day many of the things we saw at that time molded many things we do today. They were able to have an opinion about their care but no one cared to listen. They were able to express their wishes but no one was interested, the grown ups were too busy concerned with themselves and how they could beat the other one down, not realizing the ones being beat down were the children.

illustration by jdemeremason.com

I feel the same thing is going on with Madonna and her X. Her son is fifteen years old, old enough to express his wishes. And yes some may say he still requires his parents guidance but he still should have his feelings respected and considered. Who wants to be forced into living a life they no longer want? Who wants to be forced to chose one loved one over another?

Custody battle, don't you find something wrong with those words? Don't we battle our Enemies? Those who are trying to do us harm? When our intimate relationships end why do some of us want to end the parent/child relationship as well? What does one thing have to do with another? Granted there are circumstances like in anything where there are reasons to try to keep one away from the other but let's focus on the general not the exceptions.

My perspective is children deserve to be respected, regardless of age. Teaching them this at an early age and practicing it with them ourselves sets them up for knowing what is acceptable from others. Communication is the best solution to any exchange parents have with one another.

So how do we distinguish our own hurt feelings and anger from what is a safe and fare involvement with the other parent? I would think the following is a good start...

illustration by stglaw.com

-time, don't rush to "move on" but be honest with yourself on why you are angry
-separation, don't lump in your feelings with that of your child(ren), the adult connection is finished not the parent connection
-space, don't force moments in which you will both be in the same room if you are not yet ready for the encounter

So many tools can be used and so much help can and should be asked for but sometimes egos get in the way. No one wins when the bitterness inside is eating away at your soul. No one benefits when you forget yourself and focus on hurting the other. In the end it will be you that truly remains hurt.

What do you think? How would you handle a custody issue with your kids? If you have gone through this how did you handle it and do you think back now and realize you could have done something different? Should dealing with a future x and the well being of your children ever escalate to a Custody Battle?

Always stress free xo
 Mari

Not Broken, just Bent

Ever have that moment when you know there is still some good left but so many little bad things have clouded the way and you just don't know how you will or even can...get past them?

Love is not about being on a smooth ride it's about being on a ride worth staying on till the end.

Every little disagreement or lack of interest or even brakes in compatibility are not the end all or be all that we paint them to be while we are in the moment. It is only when we allow them to pile up and build so high we can't see past them anymore that we are heading towards disaster. But how can we tell the difference between not Broken and just Bent?

illustration by kafkalives.org

I have a unique respect and affection for the word Broken, so much so I have it tattooed on the back of my neck. Only when I wear my hair up and especially in the Summer is it visible to all. When it is seen people's reactions are very interesting. Emotions are strong with that one little word.
But I find it powerful and freeing.

All relationships go through changes.
Nothing gets to the middle as it began and nothing ends as it started. If it does than it's actually sad because it means there was no growth and no addition and lots and lots of just dealing with.

As parents we get the sort of guaranteed 18 years of changes depending on your life's journey, I'm nearing 21 very soon. Had I not been willing to work with the Bent moments we certainly would have been Broken. I made a conscious choice, to do the best I could with what I had to make the ride with my daughter one worth staying on till the end.

illustration by jarofquotes.com

That same attention to details and dedication to success applies to all my other relationships and from my perspective it is something that at times many of us begin to lack and become neglectful of. We take for granted the little things that bought us together and begin to focus on things that with effort and communication could be smoothed out. We turn our backs on moments we think will always be there and let our attention be consumed by those uncomfortable episodes of daily life.

Love is not something forced, it's that tug in your heart that says "you really pist me off right now but I am so glad you will still be around for another hug later". Love is breath and changes.
Next time you hit a rough patch ask yourself...
"Will that really matter in the end?"
Not Broken, just Bent

illustration by indiabright.com

Share your thoughts, do you believe all relationships should just flow smoothly or are you open to accept that moments will come that test your invested time and energy?

Always stress free xo

Mari

The Reflection of Disappointment

Happy Sunday! To my surprise I was up and running by 8:30 today and was totally embracing the days possibilities but I wanted to sit a minute or two or thirty and chat with you guys about Disappointment. Today many go to their place of worship and discuss Forgiveness and being Kind to their fellow man and the importance of Family and Purpose but how many will take those teachings to heart and walk out and Live it?

This past week I had two eye opening experiences that hurt my heart deeply and woke me up to life's sometimes cruel reality. Human beings when wrapped up in their own pain, struggles or plans can be really oblivious to others around them and act very poorly. This can be displayed in both words and or actions. 

My first lesson was last Saturday evening, I had just returned from a camera date and was feeling really happy and proud of my captures. I was home whining down and called baby #2 (my grandma) to check up on her. Five minutes into the conversation with her weekend Home Attendant I knew that things were heading down hill. It was like I was in the middle of some bad relationship drama, with the he said she said. The one where you start to point out things that you have been holding onto for some time and the flood gates just opened up...WIDE.

illustration by pinterest

I won't get into details because the conversation was an hour and fifteen minutes and I will never forget that number because I will never get that time back and this woman displayed all the character traits I dislike and try to stay away from. Liars, schemers, cowards, manipulators, weasel behavior. She took an almost two year relationship and trust and spit on it and dragged it through the mud then set it on fire for show. She revealed some things that she was holding on to because "I am just not easy to talk to" that could have potentially put my almost 93yr old grandma that suffers from Alzheimers in danger. 

As I calmly explained to her I will never be easy to talk to if you lie to me in my face, then talk behind my back then come back as if nothing has happened. And why would anyone feel anything less that frustration and disappointment if things have just been revealed that could have been handled much earlier had someone had the respect to just speak up? You can't expect peace if you have set the tone for Chaos.

I referenced the fact that there are four women taking care of baby #2. I am the lead I take my cue from the remaining three  I can only solve a problem when I know there is one. I also pointed out the fact that my main responsibility and concern is my grandma if she is safe and good I am fine put her in harms way and we have a problem. I don't play with that it's like when parents protect their children at all costs, she is like my child. She can't defend herself or speak for herself or do for herself. She relies on us, on me to make the best choices for her and this woman was not understanding the depth of that. I had to invest a total of three trips to Brooklyn to speak to the other Home Attendants. I had to play mom and coral the kids at different times to get their versions of the story, then dissect the information to come out with the truth, remove Saturday problem lady. Parenting never stops, those skills go with you every where.

illustration by rowingupriver.org

My next lesson came from my daughter. After almost twenty one years she made a flip statement in fast conversation at 9am in the morning that bought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. It was the first time ever I had felt she was disappointed in Me and ashamed of who her parents were. It was such a blow one that felt like what being punched in the stomach must feel like. She tried to correct herself right after but the damage had already been done and I just politely asked that we stop conversing any further, I gathered myself and left for work. 

As a mother all I have ever wanted to do and have done is make the best decisions for her safety and growth. The sacrifices I have made have been for her to reap the rewards of the life her father and I didn't have and to hear from her words that suggest we somehow failed is disappointing indeed. I spent the whole day in sadness just soaking up this new revelation. 

illustration by positivelypresent.com

I held an hour long internal conversation with myself just going over our life and laying the pieces down and I realized that yes to a twenty year old who is extremely driven and energetic and full of knowledge and conviction some of her parents choices may seem lazy and perhaps even weak but we worked with the cards that were dealt to us and did the best that we could with what we had at the time. I wasn't mad at her turns out because she was a reflection of all the hard work that's been put into her and it was that hard work that gave her the confidence to speak what was to her at that moment her truth. At that moment I made peace with her words and understood the emotions behind them. She was upset at how life had played out for her parents because she saw how much more they were capable of.

Several hours passed that day and my lil mama texted me that she wanted us to have dinner together and have a chat so we did. She made us dinner and we talked about our day and then she touched on our exchange earlier that morning and apologized profusely. Turned out she had ran into a woman while in school and they had had a lengthy conversation about many things one being the sacrifices parents make for their children. Seems the woman's own share on her journey with her son touched my little one and gave her a different perspective. 

illustration by loveandbiscotti.com

She told me how proud she was and always has been of me and all I have provided for her and how she was grateful for all the lessons her father had taught her as well. She commented on how she had reflected on her own maturity and present situation and couldn't imagine being able to handle all we had to handle on our own. She said she had a new appreciation for all she had learned on that day.

She said she understood now how a real good parents job is never really done. That we are always working towards making things better for our children. I accepted her apology and her hugs and kisses with open arms and told her I respected what she had to say and was grateful we could talk.

The Reflection of Disappointment, if we stopped to look at ourselves more often we would spread more kindness. We would speak our peace with gentler words. We would see ourselves in others. We are all just trying to figure things out. 

Having the responsibility of caring for another is such a strong role. Parenting is a journey with many stations. Disappointment is one we will all land on but if we learn to communicate clearly and with respect our stay there can become very short. 

Someone we love will disappoint us and someone who loves us we will disappoint. How are you going to handle that moment? What will you say or do to get to the next station? If you already were there how did you handle it? Let's start a conversation.

Always stress free xo

Mari