Worry

Happy Sunday...out running errands but I wrote this on Tuesday and couldn't wait to share. Have an awesome day and let's start a conversation.

As I was sitting in my bed just finishing up my Meditation as I bowed my head in silence about to say Namaste I realized that worry comes in stages. Perhaps comes is not the right word, I'm not sure how to explain what my thought process is at this very moment but let me try to explain.

illustration by buzzquotes.com

I know we all worry at some point or another maybe daily, maybe monthly who knows maybe yearly if you are so lucky. Worry comes with the territory of living a conscious life. Some worry is fleeting like a blink of an eye others can drag on like recovering from a surgery. It's not like we set out to feel this way, like we say "ok today at seven I'll worry for an hour then walk away" no. Worry comes on any day, at any second of any hour, at any age, in any neighborhood whether you're rich or poor.

Today I had what I call one of those long thought filled days. One in which I have a large to do list and the answers that I may get to clean up my list fill me with sadness and deep truths. I'm a firm believer in not allowing too much time to go by before you sit with an issue and find a solution. I don't want to drown in a problem or allow it to fester and cause me undo stress. After all I want to live a healthy life. So here's my issue...

illustration by bestsayingquotes.com

As I review my life I stop and pay attention to the worries I've experienced. I noticed that I got through them, after all somehow because I am still here. I found a way to pay my bills at 18 when I left home, I got a full time job. I accepted that partying every weekend was not going to be in my budget. I found a way to stay at home with my daughter for her first six months, I applied for public assistance no shame because I worked for my money they didn't give me anything for free. I found a way to put my daughter in summer camps during her youth, we saved and cut down on any extras. I found a way to stop feeling bad about having crappy friendships, I walked away from those that didn't value me. I found a way to end my relationship with my daughter's father after 18 years without hate and still lots of love, I focused on the good I didn't blame instead I focused on value and needed growth.

When my childhood friend was dying and there was nothing I could do, I focused my energy on showing her I loved her daily and making sure nothing was left unsaid. When I took over my grandmother's care I had no idea what I was getting into but I knew I would find a way to do it. When we didn't qualify for any financial aid and I wasn't going to apply for any loans in order for my lil mama to go to college I took a weekend to redo our budget and reviewed our finances and got on setting a weekly amount that I would put aside for tuition and books, when she just walked into my room after a full day at work sat at the edge of my bed and started to cry I took a deep breath and said I'm here for you if you need to talk everything has options and all problems have a solution (yes I'm writing and she just walked in). Worry.

illustration by thequotepedia.com

I'm sure I have many more to go before my journey is through but again I point to dealing with my grandma's disease that has sure made me put things into perspective. We have reached the last stage of Alzheimer's, I've been seeing it for some time now but didn't want to face it. Her hospital stay really escalated some events. This month has been a full month of Worry. Calls to insurance companies, social workers, visiting nurses, hospital visits, meetings with her home attendants.

I now have two babies, one that is 20 years old (baby #1) and one that will be 92 years old (baby #2) in less than a month. One that finally does everything on her own and can fend for herself and one that needs assistance and constant care for everything. One that knows me and would recognize me anywhere and one that has now totally no idea who I am. One that I have finally removed all the safety guards from and another that I'm starting to put safety guards up for again.

illustration by pinterest.com

Worry. Soft food diet, proper nutrition, proper hygiene maintenance, proper attention, over all safety and loving care. This is what I wake up with, these are my daily running thoughts. Most of my puzzle pieces are fitting together nicely and for that I am grateful. One piece that's being a pain is sleep. People with Alzheimer's especially in the late stages have no concept of time and sleep. They can go to bed at 9pm get up at 1am and not fall asleep again till 5am then be sleepy most of the afternoon. But that of course is a nightmare in itself add that the caregivers have to be on constant alert and that makes for very tired people.

I'm trying a variety of things to see what works but I think I may be loosing one of my caregivers which makes me sad and nervous because it means starting over with someone new again. But I have to also understand and consider the toll it takes on the worker and that is why I've been having meetings with them to express my gratitude and understanding. I set out a plan that I feel is the best route for the remainder of my grandma's journey. I've bought it to the caregivers attention asked them to think about it and get back to me shortly if it works for them wonderful if it doesn't I totally understand. It would require doing things as if you were dealing with a baby minus diaper changes which I really hope we never have to cross that bridge! But like I said I have two babies.

illustration by thequotepedia.com

I commented before that this disease has put certain things in perspective. Like when I'm feeding baby #2 I don't worry about rushing to get to my next task I'm in the moment because my time with her matters. When I'm taking baby #2 a bath I'm respectful that she is not comfortable with me being in her personal space but realizes she has no choice. I am sure to thank her for allowing me in her space every step of the way. When I sit with baby #2 and introduce myself I make sure to make eye contact and smile because I want her to feel safe and secure. When baby #2 holds on to my arm and says "don't let me fall" I say "trust me I won't let you fall your my viejita my baby #2" and she holds on tighter and let's me lead the way.

Worry. Whether fleeting or lengthy must be given its time. Must be recognized and dealt with but must never be held on to. Time doesn't stand still so don't be wasteful of your moments. My review is complete for now, for this part of my journey. My worries are still here front and center but they are attached to solutions, to options and to hope. Some will get resolved others will come to a conclusion and end. In the meantime I will invest my time in the moment grateful for the knowledge that all worry at some point ends. I have to be present in the moment for my two babies.

What do you worry about and do you sit with it or let it go? Do you believe worry is part of growth? Has worry ever made you feel literally sick or drained of your energy and hope?

Always stress free xo.

Stay Uplifted even in Trying Times

illustration by boapparel.blogspot.com

My lovelies I won't lie to you and say I am in an uplifted head space right this second. Actually I am mentally exhausted and looking forward to my week off next week.
Why? well my grandma is in the hospital, she took a spill on Sunday and on Monday we had to take her to the hospital in an emergency, turns out she has a minor rib fracture.

illustration by pinterest.com

Being so fragile and her age there is but so much the doctors and nurses can do and with her Alzheimer's disease it makes it worse to communicate. Needless to say I haven't pulled my hair out because I love my head of hair lol (staying on the cheery side).

Yesterday I was in the hospital keeping her company for over 7 hours, I know there are people right now who are spending days so I am not trying to make a big deal out of it but it is draining none the less. Driving back and forth, trying to keep her happy, helping her eat etc....trying trying trying. Answering the same darn questions..."Yes I'm the granddaughter, no there are no other family members, yes I'm the primary care giver, yes I make all the decisions, no she doesn't understand what's going on" etc etc.......

illustration by funmozar.com

I'm writing this post as I sip some green tea in my office, my bosses have been great with allowing me to leave when I want to. Monday I left at 4pm got home at midnight, yesterday I left at noon got home at 11pm and today I am leaving at 2pm getting home...who knows. I hope they discharge her soon because I know that she is more concerned about being in the hospital than her actual issues.

illustration by dragonflydithers.com

Wish me luck guys I need it, remember I am making decisions for someone who has no clue and is helpless literally without me. It is a huge responsibility because she can't even voice an opinion. If you find yourself in this same situation or have experience please share with me and lets lift each other up.

illustration by trenzified.net

In the meantime I am sharing some quotes to keep us focused and strong. Much love!

Always stress free xo.

Making plans for my Old Age

Have you put much thought on what your life may be like when your older? I don't mean retirement age in our sixties, I mean old age as in our late seventies, eighties perhaps even nineties when our minds may no longer be in a clear state. I'm a planner, always have been. I love surprises but only the fun kind. Not that anyone likes any other kind but some people can adapt quickly to not so great surprises...not me. Not so much.

illustration by pinterest.com

Dealing with my grandmother as she has aged and her Alzheimer's disease so closely I have really been tested and have really had to wing many things that I feel she should have spoken about years ago. Now that she can't make many choices for herself it is sad that I have the power to so call do what is right or what she would like.

illustration by pinterest.com

So during my life time and especially now that I am the sole caregiver besides the home attendants of my grandmother who is ninety-one years old, I have made sure I've instructed my daughter of the following:

-make sure my eyebrows are on point.
-don't put me in a home, I like to watch my own programs and go to sleep when I feel like it. Get me nice home attendants that can take me out and keep me company.
-if I grow any chin hairs, have someone pluck them cause you already told me you won't be doing it.
-keep my hair at a nice length, if it gets too thin crop it down to boy cut like I had when I was the age of two.
-no house coats/ dresses. I want cute Velor suits a variety of colors in the cold weather and appropriate shorts and cute dresses in the warm weather.
-no ugly shoes, hook me up with some cute, comfy sneakers.
-if I need a cane, bling it out with cute accessories or stickers.
-make sure I am always stocked on lotions, perfumes etc I still want to smell awesome.

illustration by commentsmeme.com

-if my nose hairs get out of control, get someone to handle that.
-don't bother to buy me any bras because finally I'll be liberated and won't care to use one.
-make sure my toes and fingernails are up to par. Still painted if possible.
-any unsightly hairs period...please handle that.
-magnified glass in living room and bedroom a must because I still want to try to read.
-best earpiece if needed because you know I love my music.
-if I have no teeth mashed potatoes, ice cream, yogurts and baby food will do, I'll be happy to eat like a baby again.
And finally...
-keep all my photo albums handy so I can look back at us smile, laugh and know that my baby is now taking care of her mama like if she was the baby.

illustration by buzzle.com

Did you think I was going to write about my financial security, getting my affairs in order or my health benefits? Heck no! I care about my hygiene and personal comfort lol.

What plans have you made for your old age? Have you made all your wishes known to your loved ones? If you haven't, please start it is very important.

Always stress free xo.

P.S. don't worry, all those serious topics have also been covered. I'm all about covering all bases.

The Elderly...our Discarded People

Hello my lovelies, happy Wednesday, today I would like to introduce you to my grandma who I affectionately call Viejita, which means "old" in Spanish but has been my term of endearment for her since I could speak. I want to share her with you because she is a very important part of my life. Well aren't all grandmas, you may think? No, not really is the cold honest answer.

this was on my 1st b'day

My Viejita's name is Juana some would translate her name in English to Joana. She came to this country from the Dominican Republic in 1971. She never learned English and she never really took the time to perhaps grasp the idea that coming to this country could be a new opportunity to have a new life, a different adventure, a whole new journey. Instead she chose to stay within her closed walls and not venture out further than several blocks within her neighborhood. It wasn't until I got older and could truly understand did I grasp the disservice that her children, my family had done to her.

these are random ones I make her pose for, she loves it

You see my grandma is almost 92 years old now, she has 5 children, 14 grandchild and several great grand children I am not sure of the number but my daughter is one of them. We are not a close knit family and haven't been for many years. She suffers from Alzheimer's disease and every day brings a different challenge. We are still in the early phase, meaning she still has chunks of some memories but many things day by day get lost. Many years are lost, many people have been forgotten.

alzfdn.org
webmd.com

I have spoken and shared some things in the past but today I wanted to make it all about her and the joy she brings me not the days I want to pull my hair out or scream at the top of my lungs or my eyes fill with tears because of things she says because trust me I have those too. I am the only grandchild she sees. My daughter is the only great grandchild she still at times can remember. I do everything for her with the help of 3 amazing Home Attendants I've managed to find. I am the only link to her past.

1st b'day, me as baby on her lap & with my mom & aunt

We have 43 years of history yet she remembers few, I remember them all. She has always been a part of my life. Baby sitting when I was born so my mom could go to work, watching me after school during my elementary years, lending me money when I decided to move out of my mother's house, watching her go from a regular apartment to senior housing, visiting with her and having someone else doing her cooking, I miss her cooking. Seeing her grow older and sadder, watching her lose neighbors and friends, forgetting a thing here a name there. Being told of her disease and what that meant long term. Seeing how the family couldn't deal with her temper and foul moods and slowly just staying away all together. This and so much more has filled my 43 years.

I had her put on my Shearling coat and pose we have similarities 

Today even in the rough spots I try to laugh. When she doesn't recognize me I make it a game there is a line in a Jay Z song "allow me to Reintroduce myself my name is" and I go from there. I comb her hair and I ask her questions, I teach her English words which she forgets shortly after but it is great to hear her laughter as she tries. I buy her candy, I sit on her lap, I take pictures and videos of her often. Her face when she sees herself is priceless! I imagine she can only recall how she use to look so to see this person staring back at her it must be like a stranger. Those are my teary moments but...then she says something like " I'm still pretty right"? and those tears go away.

great granddaughter moment with my lil mama

She is still very vain and meticulous about her appearance. She is also very strong and moves about pretty swiftly for her age which surprises us and brings roars of laughter when we make fun of her and she jumps up to chase us with her fists raise! What a treat. She is affectionate when she feels comfortable with you and loves to be hugged and kissed. She sticks her cheek out for a kiss when she knows you which is funny to see.

say cheese!, she couldn't get over herself in the camera!

I call her daily and visit weekly but sometimes my duties require I drop in more often during the week. On my daily calls we speak for about 10/15 minutes max and it is the same conversation over and over. She doesn't remember you already spoke on that. Same with the visits we talk about the same things but once I accepted my new role and made peace with my new Viejita I handle things differently.

I titled this post "Our Discarded People" because many of our elderly are. Aging is part of life but hard to deal with for some after a certain number and add to that medical issues and it can destroy even the strongest of the strong. Take this share as a nudge to pay more attention to your elders, to express how much they mean to you today while they still can understand it and appreciate it. Use this share as a jumping board to better planning for your own future.
I have no idea what she would like or what many of her wishes are. I wing it, I think about how I would want to be treated and act accordingly.

I'm always playing around with pics, this is our hands, on the left I was 2 and on the right is present day. I have on a black sweater, she is always holding my hand.

Make an effort to engage with an elderly person, watch them light up when you "Acknowledge" their existence, society has forgotten them and thrown them away. Be kind, be gentle, embrace them, they too want to be loved. Even if when you walk away...they have forgotten you.

Always stress free xo.