Friendships do End and it's totally Ok

It's always funny to me how my Salon visits fill me with such peace and clarity. As I sit here in the dryer people watching, mini napping I find myself going back in my thoughts to the changes I've gone through in these past few years.

Today my thoughts fell on Friendships and the frailty of such bonds. As I watch these women chatter and smile and laugh I wonder how many of them truly have an investment in one another?

It bought me back to the time I ended what I thought were three great friendships. I won't get specific in names, everyone deserves their privacy and everyone has their side of the story. They say there are three...yours, theirs and the truth. Today I thought about my side.

illustration by quotesinfinite.com

I find that in describing myself one adjective would be Loyal. I don't take relationships lightly. I trust from go until you prove otherwise and then we have a problem. My circle of friends is small has always been small and has gotten smaller over the years. 

These three friends I said goodbye to I have known since my teenage years. Those years where you are really starting to develop a sense of self and direction or at least we hope. It isn't until we are clear about things that we notice when things are wrong and for how long they have been off balance. 

In these relationships I saw many things, shared many years, experienced many changes but it wasn't until I needed love, support and more personal exchanges that I saw the one sided aspect of things. It wasn't until my chips were down, when I found myself in need of a hug, a shoulder, an ear, a kind word, a lets grab a coffee or I'm coming over that all I heard was silence and saw emptiness. 

These "friends" were quick to send invites to their activities or to use up 45 minutes of an hour conversation on themselves then allow me the courtesy of the last 15 if that. They were quick to say come over, join me here, I need this, support me on that but when tables were turned they were "busy" somehow. Yes some of our years where filled with loads of laughter I am not going to deny that but I know now what I didn't know then and that is that at the end of the day those connections were all about them. Not us as a unit, not us growing, adding or building but them and their immediate needs.

illustration by pinterest.com

Valuing someone you love never stops. Investing in relationships brings great rewards but if you don't there is no growth. When I finally decided to "talk" about things the responses I got were shocking. They revealed that as valuable as they were to me I had little to no value to them. 

I learned the following:
Balance- every thing requires balance. It isn't a competition of who did more but if there is no balance there is no peace. There is no growth,

Respect- if you take people's company for granted, if you assume they will always be around you are not showing them respect. Cherishing those you love, showing it and honoring their existence that is respect.

Time- it doesn't take a lot of time to let someone know you are thinking of them, miss them etc...Today we have many many ways to stay in touch and have had these options for quiet some time now so if you can't seem to find one...you really aren't trying. Everyone's time is valuable, don't waste yours on someone who doesn't value you.

Energy- life is energy. Every action we take requires energy and the type of energy you put in is what you will get out. If a friendship is only good sometimes, seasonal or once a year, what energy is that requiring? Do you not tend to your garden? Do your other relationships not require you to be present? Why is a Friendship any different?

I still have love for these people, I hold no grudges. I respect our memories and we had some great times but I also made peace that our seasons together came to an end. I am grateful that through those losses I gained a greater respect, love and bond with those that truly see value in me and I in them.

illustration by stylopics.com

So really I guess as my hair is just about dried that I really didn't lose anything after all. When you learn from something there really is no loss. What say you? Do you have people in your life its time to let go of? Have you been the one to take a friend for granted? Are you the one in need of a shoulder and your "friends" can't seem to find the time? Let's chat!

Always stress free xo.

Where did my Baby go?

We often find ourselves saying "time flies".

We often say as parents "my baby is all grown up now".

But exactly when that moment will be, when it truly hits you and stops you in your tracks you never know and you have no idea what your emotions will be.

That was the case a few days ago for me.

As my blog friends know I have a 19 year old daughter. She hasn't been a baby for quite sometime now but regardless of "time" she will always be my baby.
Next week she will start her 2nd year in college, what?!!!

The other night we were talking as usual, a friend of mine was also over and we were all in deep conversation. I can't say for certain what word she said or what the topic even was but I just stopped and looked at her and my eyes began to water.
I said "Wow, you really are all grown up. I can't believe it. I really no longer have a baby." "I knew the time was coming and I have been noticing it for a while but it just really hit me and I am feeling really emotional right now."
She says "Yeah mami, I am going to be 20 years old soon but don't worry I am not going anywhere any time soon I will be around for a little while longer." Then we hug and I bite her cheeks, something I have done since she was born.

I turn and look at my friend and comment about how strange it is to see another "adult" next to you and realize it is your child. My friend said yeah it really is, I had the same emotions a few days ago when my son was visiting with me.

My "baby" as I knew her is officially gone and as I said its been coming for a while now but one thing that isn't gone is the bond that we have built.
The mutual respect, support and friendship we have cultivated and all the seeds that are still growing from all those talks in the car when I dropped her off at school, all the bedtime stories, all the bath time chats, all the "special topics" at the dinner table.
My job for the most part is done. Now I get to sit back and see my years of talks, rules, negotiations, smiles, tears, laughter, parent teacher meets, play date drop offs, birthday party plannings, Disney trips, proms and graduations (at least 1 more coming though) all come together in this 1 beautiful, strong, intelligent, kind, giving, brilliant, independent young women I call my daughter, Erica.

That watery eye moment was bittersweet, I got teary because I love my child as most parents do. I got emotional because at that moment I was so grateful to have for the most part been in the moment of just about every moment in my child's life.
I didn't allow work, career, bills, drama, stress or any other "life" events get in the way of my "time" with my Lil mama.
Nothing is more valuable than what you invest in your children. No amount of money buys the memories they carry with them throughout their own adult life.
I already see and reap the rewards of my investment. I already enjoy the riches of these past 19 years.

~Communication
~Respect
~Love
~Support

I can never stress and will never stop stressing enough just the priceless value of communication above all else with our children. Communication done properly will open all the doors to endless possibilities in your parenting journey. What is proper communication? Listening with open mind, remembering you were young once too, setting reasonable rules and goals, respecting your child as an individual. We don't own them, we guide them into becoming who they are meant to be.

The picture share are a taste of the sort of notes I have received over the years. One being a snap shot of a recent text message exchange Lil mama and I had.

Always stress free xo