Do you Believe in Love?

Good Morning! 

This one's for all my single ladies, myself included. 

Something to think about because after all our lives are not just about our babies :)

illustration by pinterest.com

Do you still believe in love and its power? I think that once your hearts been broken or your trust has been shaken your immediate answer is no. What I have learned though is that we must be willing to acknowledge those feelings go through all the stages of mourning in order to get to the other side. Then once you are there you can begin to work on yourself, find clarity and start again. Love is everything. It makes the impossible seem possible somehow. That idea alone can bring about endless possibilities. Love is healing, love is peaceful, love is freeing. Love is power. Yes I still believe in Love.

illustration on ilovepurple645.tumblr.com

What's the best of love that you have experienced? I have to say it is my daughter. Not because as a mom bringing a child into this world is unlike any other thing ever, which it is but my answer is not because of that reason. My answer is because my child was conceived out of a love like I have never known before. That all consuming love, that I can't live without you love, that lust love, that butterflies in your stomach love, that passionate love where you just melt into eachother and that love that carries you through the bad times until you realize that that love is no longer enough. Your first love is a special love and I'm so grateful that from that love came my forever love.

illustration by lovethispic.com

I don't believe we are meant to live our lives without experiencing love. I also don't believe that because you have loved and lost you can't love again and again. Forever is what you make it. I've had two forevers in my life thus far and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I look forward to having another and if the Universe deems it who knows maybe two because there is nothing more beautiful than being open and believing in Love.

So, do you still believe in love and its power? Share your experience.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

The making of a Good Father

Good Morning! Today my calendar says its Father's Day so in going with that flow I want to chat about the following and say...

 Happy Father's Day to all the great dads in the world you are truly appreciated and loved but I especially want to shout out all the fathers who regardless of their circumstances step up to the plate and do their part in parenting. I want to wish you a day of love, peace, health and kindness. I want to acknowledge that as a mother I am proud you have made all the efforts to remain relevant in your child's life. I want to say that not all of us single mother's or women think you are an a**hole. We are not all bitter and reckless with our words and actions when referencing you in connection with our children.

illustration by techuloid.com

I want to acknowledge the little things you do and the small ways you have made a lasting impression on your child(ren). Perhaps just by cutting up their fruits on your lunch date or combing your daughter's hair before you bought her back home. Maybe when you dropped by his after school just to say hello before his mother picked him up or perhaps by going shopping with her for her prom dress. The times you left work early to catch your kids baseball game, the many times you had to listen to unkind words at the front door just to have your child over for the weekend.

We never speak about that father who left the relationship but never left the child.

I know many of them my father was one and my daughter's father is one. They are awesome men. I love them so.

I may not see my father now but I have great memories of him as a child. My parents split shortly after I was born from what I can recall and the stories I have heard but my father never left me. He is in every picture of my many milestones and every summer he would come and get me so I could stay with him for a few weeks. My father helped my mom pay for my Catholic school education, my father took me clothes shopping, my father took me sightseeing in New York City. My father sat right next to my mom and her new husband at my eighth grade graduation. Those memories no one can ever take away. My father was a loving kind man and always loving and respectful towards my mom. I never saw a poor exchange. When I turned 18 and went to live with him my father made me breakfast every morning just before he left for work. My father taught me way back when even though I didn't listen, the importance of choosing our words carefully, of working hard and of respecting all. Hard work and respect I grabbed quickly choosing my words came later but I appreciate all the time he took to teach me those lessons.

illustration by heavy.com

My parents didn't work out as a couple but so what, he was still my father and had my mother not been reasonable enough to co-parent I would have lost out on knowing a whole other side of me.

My daughter had a longer run with her father actually being in a household with her so her memories are vast and run deeper than mine. The times I had to leave for work early and he stayed behind and got her ready. The things father's teach their sons my daughter's father taught her because he saw no difference in gender. Shopping for her first bra he was there, video games and bloody movies he was there, school plays and shows he was there, Tae Kwon Do events he was there helping her carry her trophies. He was there.
When we split up we made it a point to be clear, we are not a couple but we will always be in some sort of way a family unit.

We broke up, they didn't break up. He will always be her father.

How can I invest my energy in bashing or keeping my daughter's father away from her? Why? What is there to gain.

Single mother's from my perspective somehow want to link their emotions and personal history with the father and the child. I am not suggesting there won't be a period of adjustment, a time required for healing and continued growth but I am saying that our children did not ask for this they just want to be loved by both their mom and dad and if he is still around and willing and able to do so then let him.

Don't deprive your child of that connection and love, it will be you in the end who is the bad guy not the other way around. Children remember and will connect the dots. The many times their father showed up and you caused a scene will stay in the back of their minds, the times you said ugly things about their father but his actions showed something else, they will recall.

We are suppose to protect and love our children, want the best for them surround them with love. If their father wants to continue to do those things and more but just not with you along for the ride, be a better person and allow it.

illustration by wishabuddy.com

Help build a better society of men remaining a part of their children's lives. Encourage the visits, the calls, the connection. By us behaving better as mothers, as women, as a single parent we are further cultivating a healthy, loving, gentler, more present male today and for years to come for any child who's parents just didn't work out as a couple, again this isn't about you its about what is best for your child.

Again I point out, don't get it twisted. I am referring to the father who is willing and able. The father who wants to do the right thing but runs into obstacles because of pride and ego.

So let's go out and enjoy this day and let's encourage any time that these two people can be together, the Making of a Good Father can start now.

Share your thoughts or memories of great moments with your dad.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Measuring our lives in Moments

Measuring our lives in Moments, I love the sound of that statement. I wonder how many of us if we knew that our end was near would we be rushing through some of our lives moments.
Would we be speeding our way through dinner with a friend just to catch our favorite television show? Would we really invest time with someone we didn't like, just because we feel we have to? Would we think that Social Media was the best thing ever?

I can't say exactly where I ran across this statement but I haven't been able to shack the mark it left since I did. I find myself thinking about it every time I start to feel like I am rushing. I used it the other day while I was in the park meditating. I had to stop and ask myself what was the rush if this was my time, my moment. Why was I so concerned about heading back to the house to get my laundry done?

illustration by brainy quote.com

When my daughter comes in my room and throws herself on my bed while I am working sometimes I have to admit I get annoyed. She clearly sees I am in the middle of something, does she just not care? Is everything just about her? No. I have changed my perspective to be that she just wants to share her day and why not be present when there will come a day that moment will be gone. So now I gladly save my work and close my computer. Work can wait a few more minutes.

I spoke to my girlfriend's parents the other morning and her mom began to ramble on about our teenage years, did I have the time for it no. I was at work, had a desk full of papers and reports to complete I was just touching base but did I brush her off and hang up? No. I realized she was missing talking to her youngest daughter, who is no longer with us and I am the closest thing besides her eldest daughter that she has to talk to in that way. I enjoyed the moment because my girlfriend isn't here to do so.

my friend gave me the nickname Persephone, she's too cute

illustration by library.creativecow.net

Looking at myself in the mirror the other night as I was removing my makeup I took a long look at my hair. I leaned in and grabbed my streaks of gray/silver by my right temple and smiled. It is beautiful. I earned those gray hairs just by living. I don't think it was stress I think its from experience. Another chapter in my life. I see my grandmother and her hair is beautiful. A full head of gray, that will be me someday. I enjoyed that moment, my 44 year old self told my 20 something year old self yes we are still here!

There are just so many moments in our daily lives that can bring us comfort, joy, warmth and laughter. The fast pace we live in distracts us and makes us miss their importance. What can we do to slow this down? In my photography I implement a few things...

-walking slowly
-taking deep breaths
-looking in all directions
-disconnecting from any distractions

Taking these few steps helps me to capture something that normally would be missed.

How are you measuring your life? Is it by what you have acquired or by the time you volunteered to carpool your daughter's track team? Is it in the square footage of your home or that time you cuddled up in bed to watch scary movies with your son? Is it with the many likes on your pictures or with the time your friend cooked you a meal because you were too sick? Do you find yourself smiling because of the many moments or are you sad because you haven't had enough?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

The Impact we have on Others

Have you ever been in the middle of something you do often and totally looked at it in a new light, as if you were doing it for the very first time? You stop and take stock and see things in a whole new way?

This happened to me a few nights ago as I sat with my grand mother, baby #2. I'm there a few times a week and the routine is farely the same, the only surprise is her attitude. In what reflective mindset I will find her is a role of the dice but all else is the same.

As I sat next to her and she asked if I had any children for the tenth time I answered again yes one daughter. Of course her response is well I never met her you must bring her with you next time to which I respond ok. As I ask her if she has any children and she says no I begin to point at pictures around the apartment. I tell her she has five children she laughs and says I'm crazy as she says that she takes her finger and pokes my cheek and laughs. Again she says I'm crazy and giggles.

illustration by nataliefranke.com

I say no vieja I'm not and I begin to call out the names and relation and as I'm doing this she reaches out and grabs my hand in hers, starts massaging it and is holding on with a big smile on her face. She does this often sometimes when I walk through the door or just when I'm about to leave but this particular time as I got to my mother's name and telling her our connection it felt very different.

It felt very loving and peaceful almost like she was telling me, thank you for being by my side. Thank you for not leaving me alone. Thank you for the physical love and attention.

The impact we have on others sometimes goes unnoticed. We are in a daily rush a constant count down of time. Moving from one activity to another never just embracing the moment.
Caring for someone who is aware of your efforts is one thing. You can measure the progress in many ways and the memories live on forever but caring for someone who's memories are minute to minute like my grandmother is a huge challenge. Alzheimer's disease forces you to always be creative and be creating something short lasting. The Impact has to be immediate and worth while. The impact has to stop all time.

Next time you call a friend or get together for lunch. Next time you visit your mom or dad or drop the kids off at school...stop and think. How that particular exchange is impacting their lives and if it's one  that leaves an ever lasting smile in their memory.

-be mindful
-be kind
-be loving
-be in the moment

illustration by twitter.com

What do you think? Are you aware of the impact you have on your loved ones? How about strangers, do they walk away with a smile or a frown? Do you make the effort to truly connect when you engage with others? If you don't why not try it today?

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Dear Love,

Dear Love,
   I wanted to tell you how much you mean to me every day and how much I appreciate having you in my life. Today of all days though I feel extra special and I owe it all to you.

I woke up with a sense of peace and gratitude only you can bring me. I woke up with a sense of purpose and pride only you have taught me. I woke up with only you on my mind because you make my heart smile so wide.

You taught me how to see the good in my worst times. You taught me how to learn from my mistakes. You took the time and made the efforts to heal my soul. You look at me and see Love look at you back.

illustration by zaratops.deviantart.com

Having you in my life has allowed me to continue to grow and to not let my short comings be my only offerings in life. You have made me see that anything is possible with nourishment and kindness. You have allowed me to remain flexible yet strong in the toughest of storms. In moments when I feel I stand alone, I close my eyes and you are there.

You have bought amazing people into my life who have given me so much but you have also taken away some I'd thought would be around forever. I realize now that even those times you were showing me love.

Dear Love,
   Thank you for existing as one of the many emotions I feel but the one that I lean on the most.

Always stress free xo
Mari

See the Bigger Picture

Happy Sunday!

I have several things I wanted to touch on and was struggling to tie them all together so I just pressed my Brainsparker app and decided to go with whatever came up. The prompt was See the Bigger picture.

Just how do you see the bigger picture when it involves loss and or sadness? How do you see past the pain so you can smile again? How do think past the pain you feel in that moment?

illustration by veroniquepalmer.com

This past week the world lost another great creative soul, Prince. So many labels can be attached to his name but for me it's about the body of work he gave us. His lyrics, his thoughts, his presentation, his purpose. To be his authentic self and gift you with his talent and if you understood great but if you didn't great too. Creative people don't worry about everyone jumping on their wagon. They only want those that respect and can be open to see and hear things from different views to come along on their ride. I will forever be grateful he was one of a kind. His comfortable in your own skin ways was extremely attractive and very freeing. Though I am sad you are no longer physically here I know your gifts will continue to come.

my fav Prince song! Diamonds and Pearls 

We are selfish human beings, we expect those we care about to always be around but we all know that is not true. Death is part of the Living package. We just want to ignore it or put it out of our minds...until it's too late.

A friend of mine as we spoke about Prince's transition commented how grateful he was that he and his dad had mended their relationship before he himself had transitioned. I said how awesome that was and then thought about my own parents. I didn't feel sad for me I felt sad for them. They have wasted so many years consumed in their own bubble to even think outside of themselves and all they are missing out on. To live a selfish life one that doesn't reap rewards but instead sews rotten seeds is shameful. To leave behind in people's minds regrets instead of celebrations is a tragedy.

Oddly enough my lil mama and I went to a private fan gathering for Alicia Keys the same night Prince left us and she shared with us some amazing new material I can't wait for the whole world to hear but she shared this song and asked everyone in the audience to go home and calculate how many days they themselves have been on this earth. The song is called 28,000 days. That's about 76 years my grandma is almost 93. Let's think about these numbers. I am 44 and I have lived just a little past 16,000 days. Does that seem like a lot to you? Heck nooooo, not to me. So imagine thinking about those numbers and reviewing how many of those were wasted days?

See the Bigger picture! Bet you never thought of your life in days? My perspective is wasting time is for those who see no value in themselves or others. When you value the people and things in your life you cherish and nurture every moment. So what should you do now that you know your number? How about finding better ways to make them count! See the Bigger picture, stop wasting time.

What have you realized that you have wasted time on? Is there something that now you think you are ready to explore and let go of? Do you tend to look at the Bigger picture or stay stuck on the small screen?

Always stress free xo.
Mari

Not Broken, just Bent

Ever have that moment when you know there is still some good left but so many little bad things have clouded the way and you just don't know how you will or even can...get past them?

Love is not about being on a smooth ride it's about being on a ride worth staying on till the end.

Every little disagreement or lack of interest or even brakes in compatibility are not the end all or be all that we paint them to be while we are in the moment. It is only when we allow them to pile up and build so high we can't see past them anymore that we are heading towards disaster. But how can we tell the difference between not Broken and just Bent?

illustration by kafkalives.org

I have a unique respect and affection for the word Broken, so much so I have it tattooed on the back of my neck. Only when I wear my hair up and especially in the Summer is it visible to all. When it is seen people's reactions are very interesting. Emotions are strong with that one little word.
But I find it powerful and freeing.

All relationships go through changes.
Nothing gets to the middle as it began and nothing ends as it started. If it does than it's actually sad because it means there was no growth and no addition and lots and lots of just dealing with.

As parents we get the sort of guaranteed 18 years of changes depending on your life's journey, I'm nearing 21 very soon. Had I not been willing to work with the Bent moments we certainly would have been Broken. I made a conscious choice, to do the best I could with what I had to make the ride with my daughter one worth staying on till the end.

illustration by jarofquotes.com

That same attention to details and dedication to success applies to all my other relationships and from my perspective it is something that at times many of us begin to lack and become neglectful of. We take for granted the little things that bought us together and begin to focus on things that with effort and communication could be smoothed out. We turn our backs on moments we think will always be there and let our attention be consumed by those uncomfortable episodes of daily life.

Love is not something forced, it's that tug in your heart that says "you really pist me off right now but I am so glad you will still be around for another hug later". Love is breath and changes.
Next time you hit a rough patch ask yourself...
"Will that really matter in the end?"
Not Broken, just Bent

illustration by indiabright.com

Share your thoughts, do you believe all relationships should just flow smoothly or are you open to accept that moments will come that test your invested time and energy?

Always stress free xo

Mari

Compromise

illustration by alisonbraun.ca

Some want to make the word Compromise 

a bad thing. 

As if when you Compromise

you lose and they win.

Some may only focus on Humans when it comes to Compromise 

but in Life we are all connected.

Some want to show Compromise as a weakness 

but today I am focused on the strengths...

illustration by sodahead.com

illustration by pinterest.com

illustration by pinterest.com

Always stress free xo

Mari

Happy New Year Wishes

illustration by bestwishesquotes.com

Good Morning lovelies, on this last Thursday of 2015 I would like to share a few of my wishes. I'm not make any resolutions I work on making changes daily and I'm constantly evaluating my growth I don't just wait for one time of the year.
These past few weeks have been full of unfortunate events all happening in a very short span of time which reminds me of just how precious life and time really are.

In a matter of a weeks time alone we had three deaths occur in our circle. My dear friends Mother-in-Law, my daughter's Best Friend's grandmother less than two days ago and the mother of an old friend on Monday. I hadn't spoken to her in over three years so her call was truly a surprise. It saddened me that she had to reach out to me under such unfortunate circumstances.

Even as I am writing this post I am still processing these events. They have come at a time when most of us are preoccupied with parties, travel and making plans for an even better year than we are leaving behind. But as you can see life has plans of its own and for some tonight will have a different meaning.

illustration by azhappynewyear2016hdwallpaper.com

When I went to bed last night and when I awoke this morning this is what I put out in the Universe these are my wishes...
-that more people focus on love and kindness and start with themselves
-that my own family, especially my sisters and my mother find peace in their lives and learn to love themselves and strengthen their souls. That every one in my own family releases years of bitterness and focuses on healing and a better life
-that I put more effort into my writing and photography and push past fears, while still knowing that Fear is a constant in our lives when we tackle the unknown
-that the new relationships I have been building this past year grow stronger and more beneficial on all sides
-that my daughter continues to be healthy, kind and peaceful and that her journey is full of Wonder
-that I continue to be able to take care of my health as best I can even without being able to afford Health Insurance
-that I can continue to provide my baby #2 (my grandma) with peaceful days at home surrounded by the things and people she knows, that I can bring her laughter and comfort during this part in her journey in life
-last but certainly not least, that my daughter's father finds his way back into her life and realizes that her love for him has no conditions or expectations. That she only wishes him peace and love and an opportunity to reconnect again and that he could love himself just as much or more than she already loves him. Sometimes we are harder on ourselves than necessary. We assume the worst before we start a conversation. Communication is always better than Silence.

Here's wishing all our dreams come true. Thank you for being part of  Living in Mommywood's family. Thank you again for stopping by, commenting and even sharing. I hope my life's journey and what I have shared ignites a spark in you.

illustration by forum.smartcanucks.ca

See you next year Always stress free xo
Mari

Stay Away

My dolls I didn't post this yesterday because the day was filled with people I truly love to invest my time with. I got to hug up on two of my favorite yummy little people and chat up with some great friends and really live the meaning of loved ones and family. This time of year can be very trying for those who have family issues and who struggle with what family is suppose to be. For me I have made peace with what that means for me. If you find yourself in a similar place then maybe my share can help you in some way. 

illustration by pinterest.com

I know what you're thinking...
She stays away because she is "selfish".
She doesn't care about us or what we are going through.
She "thinks" she is better than us, she doesn't have time to "help" us with our problems.

Look at her, always put together.
Always has had a nice place to live.
Drives a nice car and has a great job.
Look at her, problems free.

I know what you're thinking...
She always has an answer.
She always thinks so positively.
She always wants to talk about being loving.

Look at her with her Meditation.
Look at her with her Yoga practice.
Look at her with her healthy eating and
Look at her with her uplifting thoughts.

I know what you're thinking...
She can't be for real.
She is so fake.
She hasn't changed.
She just walked away.

illustration by soreyfitness.com

The truth is your best thinking got you to this place. My reality is...

I stay away because of self preservation.
I do care about you but you don't care about your self.
I am not better than I am just different, I have the time I just don't want to waste it, I can't help you with your problem unless you help your self first.

I am put together because I have value.
I have a nice place to live because I love and respect me.
I have a nice ride because I take care of my belongings and my job is just a job I am grateful to have because it pays my bills.
I have problems, we all have problems but my problems don't have Me.

I don't always have "the" answer but I have faith there is "an" answer.
I think positive because I am open to many perspectives.
I talk about being loving because communication without love is pointless.

Yes look at me with my Meditation, if I didn't have that I would go insane.
Yes I practice Yoga because I want to grow old gracefully not diseased in mind, body and spirit like you have become.
Yes I eat healthy because I love my body, I want to take care of it so it takes care of me.
Yes I have uplifting thoughts because I always have Hope.

I am for Real, life is not as bad as you want to paint it.
I am not Fake, I just work with the cards that are dealt to me.
I have changed and because of that I Stay Away so I can continue to Love you.
I didn't "just" walk away...I decided to live, I decided to accept you for who and what you are and be ok with that.

illustration by sayingandquotes.blogspot.com

I Stay Away because of Love and with that love all things are possible.

What has loving and caring for someone made you do?

Always stress free xo

Mari

The Things the Pope and I have in common

Happy Sunday! I wanted to acknowledge that I am aware of the Pope's visit and how perhaps it may be extremely important to many. To me it just is but in being just that I have become aware of a few things that we do have in common and I wanted to share those with you.

I don't believe in what religion has become today, I think in its origin it wasn't meant to exclude it was meant to unite and to heal but as we see in the world we live in today that is not the case. Many hold on to religion as a way to actually hurt others and I don't believe that was the intent of the higher power. But I do believe in respect and that is how I try to live my daily life. In reading I have come across some of the Pope's quotes and they made me smile and say "hey, maybe I would stop and talk with you for a minute". I'm very spiritual and I'm glad to know he wouldn't have a problem with that.

Here is to having a blessed day and respecting everyone equally:

illustration by quotesgram.com

illustration by huffingtonpost.com

illustration by truthorfiction.com

illustration by quotesberry.com

illustration by twitter.com

illustration by quotesgram.com

So these are the sentiments we have in common hope they bought a smile to your face and touched your heart enough to go out and spread those seeds.

Always stress free xo.

Mari

Willing

I love when a poem or a song is so detailed and clear there is nooooooo way you can't get the message. I love that if you are shy or not good with expressing emotions there are so many tools you can gravitate to for some help.

Today I am going to chat a bit about expecting things from others that we ourselves may not be giving or willing to give. I've shared some of my experiences with dating again after years of being out of the game, back in the game then out again. I have plenty of treats coming your way but today let's start with Willing.

Ready, eager and prepared to do something is the definition but do we apply it to the way we approach connecting in relationships? When we as women begin to connect with men are we prepared and ready to compromise and communicate honestly and openly. Same question for men, are you ready and prepared to lay your cards down, to talk to listen?

illustration by pinterest.com

Our Willingness to bare our souls and to not let pasts failures creep into our now is tough at times, I won't lie I work on some of these daily myself. Dating in today's rules hasn't been easy but it's been totally doable because of my willingness to be clear. I am looking forward to connecting with someone who enjoys me, all of me. Yes dating can be a hit or miss sometimes a few misses more than a hit but I refuse to become jaded and say I am ok staying single. Why should I? I am still young and have a lot to offer. I actually feel sad for people of a certain age when I hear them speak and sound as if they have thrown in the towel. Why? You mean to tell me you are so set in your ways you are no longer eager to try connecting with someone else?

You mean to tell me no one can meet your standards? How high are you setting them, are they even realistic and would you meet those same standards if someone was measuring you by them? Don't get my words twisted, I am not saying aim low or reduce, I am saying compromise, be ready to give other options a try. Don't expect or ask for something you yourself are not giving, that's all.

I love this artist I am about to share on, Jill Scott. Her words move and inspire, uplift and question, show and tell. I am so glad that a friend of mine reminded me of her latest work and bought this track/interlude to my attention. It touches exactly what I mean about willing to give what you want to get. Willing to be clear and laying things out.

You want me flawless
You want me patient
And sweet
You want me willing
You want my honesty
You want me to be
Appreciative
Respect your space
Ignore your fears
You want spontaneity
A good girl and a freak
You want loyalty

You want something that you’re not willing to be

Expecting me to be loyal
Expecting me to be faithful

What do you think? Do you agree that you need to have equal expectations? Do you feel you should get more than you give? Do you believe that after a certain age there is just no point in dating? Let's start a conversation, tell me what you think.

Always stress free xo.

Man Boobs

October is upon us and aside from the crisp signs of Autumn, the spotting of beautiful leaves on the trees as they change colors, the great smell of Pumpkin this and that in the air, the sales of huge candy bags for Halloween it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

By now we all should know just how important it is to get our annual Mammograms. I went for mine in May right after my annual Gyn exam in April. I schedule them close together so I never forget. I went for my 1st exam shortly after my 40th Birthday, yes I was nervous but I knew it had to be done.
Early detection does make a difference.

This year as I waited for my letter I was a little extra uneasy because just a few months prior my co worker had been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She was in the process of many tests, reviewing of options, researching, talking with loved ones etc...
This was the first time I was so close to such a life changing matter.
Though my old childhood friend Cynthia had transitioned a few years ago from a form of Cancer it was not Breast Cancer.

I watched and listened and talked with my co worker about what road was best to take. Should she do a Mastectomy, Double Mastectomy or Lumpectomy. Should she do reconstruction, what type? We discussed family, sexuality, death, recovery, diets. You name it, we spoke on it.
I am respectful of her choices and am happy to report that in early September she completed her last radiation session and is coming along greatly.

In watching her go through this and seeing that she still has some emotional and mental healing to do I realized that unless you talk about this to someone who truly understands you may have a long road ahead of you. Seeking support if not from loved ones or friends is very important and if it is difficult for a women imagine a man.

Yes men get Breast Cancer too!
The strong, hardworking, suppose to take care of his family gender can also suffer from this devastating diagnosis and news.
They ignore just about every symptom in the book, headaches, chest pains, blurred vision, tingling sensation in fingers and arms, leg cramps, difficulty breathing, issues with their urine or bowel movements.
These can all be possible signs of some form of serious issue but men are not suppose to complain or stop being "men" to go and pay a visit to a Doctor. They have no time for that, it will be fine, the pain will go away.

We as the logical ones (insert laughter here) must find ways to encourage the men in our lives to take better care of their health. To listen to their bodies and to visit their Doctors at least once a year and with every mile stone conduct the proper test necessary for that age group.
We must stop the taboo that men don't do this or that.

Even though the numbers are not as high as women, roughly 2,300 new cases will be diagnosed and about 430 men die from Breast Cancer that is still alarming news.
Since so much is focused on the women, I am shining the light today on our men.

I am providing links, pictures and video information so that we may start talking about this and making the men in our lives aware this is a possibility, this can indeed happen.

I received my letter in late May stated all was well great news! but because I have dense breast they suggested I go for an ultrasound.
That caused some more uneasiness but I scheduled it quickly and results were negative again. All clear this year!!!
Moving forward I plan to do both consecutively so as to not delay any panic or any relief.
Let's stay as healthy as possible, let's stay informed and proactive!

breastcancer.org

cancer.org

Medicinenet.com

thehealthblog.net

youtube.com

Where did my Baby go?

We often find ourselves saying "time flies".

We often say as parents "my baby is all grown up now".

But exactly when that moment will be, when it truly hits you and stops you in your tracks you never know and you have no idea what your emotions will be.

That was the case a few days ago for me.

As my blog friends know I have a 19 year old daughter. She hasn't been a baby for quite sometime now but regardless of "time" she will always be my baby.
Next week she will start her 2nd year in college, what?!!!

The other night we were talking as usual, a friend of mine was also over and we were all in deep conversation. I can't say for certain what word she said or what the topic even was but I just stopped and looked at her and my eyes began to water.
I said "Wow, you really are all grown up. I can't believe it. I really no longer have a baby." "I knew the time was coming and I have been noticing it for a while but it just really hit me and I am feeling really emotional right now."
She says "Yeah mami, I am going to be 20 years old soon but don't worry I am not going anywhere any time soon I will be around for a little while longer." Then we hug and I bite her cheeks, something I have done since she was born.

I turn and look at my friend and comment about how strange it is to see another "adult" next to you and realize it is your child. My friend said yeah it really is, I had the same emotions a few days ago when my son was visiting with me.

My "baby" as I knew her is officially gone and as I said its been coming for a while now but one thing that isn't gone is the bond that we have built.
The mutual respect, support and friendship we have cultivated and all the seeds that are still growing from all those talks in the car when I dropped her off at school, all the bedtime stories, all the bath time chats, all the "special topics" at the dinner table.
My job for the most part is done. Now I get to sit back and see my years of talks, rules, negotiations, smiles, tears, laughter, parent teacher meets, play date drop offs, birthday party plannings, Disney trips, proms and graduations (at least 1 more coming though) all come together in this 1 beautiful, strong, intelligent, kind, giving, brilliant, independent young women I call my daughter, Erica.

That watery eye moment was bittersweet, I got teary because I love my child as most parents do. I got emotional because at that moment I was so grateful to have for the most part been in the moment of just about every moment in my child's life.
I didn't allow work, career, bills, drama, stress or any other "life" events get in the way of my "time" with my Lil mama.
Nothing is more valuable than what you invest in your children. No amount of money buys the memories they carry with them throughout their own adult life.
I already see and reap the rewards of my investment. I already enjoy the riches of these past 19 years.

~Communication
~Respect
~Love
~Support

I can never stress and will never stop stressing enough just the priceless value of communication above all else with our children. Communication done properly will open all the doors to endless possibilities in your parenting journey. What is proper communication? Listening with open mind, remembering you were young once too, setting reasonable rules and goals, respecting your child as an individual. We don't own them, we guide them into becoming who they are meant to be.

The picture share are a taste of the sort of notes I have received over the years. One being a snap shot of a recent text message exchange Lil mama and I had.

Always stress free xo

Shattered Images

One of the things that come along with the package of parenting is the handling of disappointment.

Life brings us many, some more than others but I am referring to events or people that disappoint our children.

The sooner in our parenting journey we accept we CAN NOT protect our children from everything, the sooner we will invest that energy instead on how to show support and love when those moments do come.

No matter what age or gender at some point your child will be disappointed by someone or something. The something can be handled much quicker and more easily, but the SOMEONE...not so much.

It's only as we grow that we realize no one is perfect. It's only as we grow that we can either accept people for who they are or walk away. Children, Toddlers and Babies can't understand the concept of acceptance or walking away until they are much older. Therefore it is our responsibility to help them as they grow to understand failure, humanity, humility, respect, acceptance and peace.

Failure-sometimes people try to do their best, but their best isn't good enough.
Humanity-to be human is to act at times in ways that are hurtful and selfish and we must be aware that it may not have anything to do with us, but instead with the way that other person views themselves.
Humility-not many people are carriers of this trait and we must not allow their boisterous actions to extinguish our flame.
Respect-is earned, never just given, demanded or assumed.
Acceptance-sometimes people are just not as invested in you or your well being as you may be in them. Once you become aware of that your options are greater and the hurt becomes less.
Peace-when you take the time to gather all the information, put all the pieces together and come away with clarity you will have gained the peace to move forward and away from that which hurt and or disappointed you.

It will never be easy to see our children in discomfort but it will surely be worse if they are not prepared for it. Life sometimes brings lessons we wish we never had to learn. Shattered images of those we hold dear is one such lesson.

No such thing as perfection, don't put people up on a pedestal and sometimes there are just people out there that are not very nice.

So, as we accept we can't provide protection from all let's start getting ready to hold those hands, provide a shoulder, lend an ear, give plenty of hugs and kisses and tell them how much we love them and are blessed to have them in our lives.

Fathers and Daughters

I am my father's only daughter. I have three brothers. My father tried to teach his very stubborn daughter to take things easy and to be nice and respectful and to listen.

My father tried to teach his very stubborn daughter patience. My father tried to teach his very stubborn daughter that her mom was just trying to do her best.

Looking back now it must have been a very difficult thing to do when you are dealing with a teenager that thinks they know it all. It could not have been easy for him to try to get through to me but he never stopped.

I have my father's complexion, his smile, his hair and when I stop and look at times even his mannerisms.
It is so funny how true the comments about Mothers and Sons and Fathers and Daughters can be.

Today I appreciate his words and his time and his smile. Today I appreciate all those great meals he cooked for me and all those great breakfast drinks he use to make from fresh fruits. Today I appreciate all those great talks, while I sat around and visited with him at his job.

In my home there is a phrase and its called "being a Fermin". It is my ex's family name. It is used whenever a gesture, action, comment or approach is taken. It has been said for the past almost nineteen (19) years. My daughter is her father's child in every sense of the word.
From the tips of her toes to the top of her head. From her words, to her interest, to her approach on life.

The reality of it is I wouldn't have it any other way because "being a Fermin" is pretty darn great!!

For all of us who have had great father moments and have great father memories, this is a sweet post.
For those of us who have not it can be sad or upsetting. I don't want it to be just one or the other. I want it to be a chance to perhaps build these moments with that special man whom you have always admired, whom you have fallen in love with and envision having children with if this is your second time around or have your significant other already be building these moments or bring it to his attention.
Remember, family is what you make it. It is not always about blood relation.

Sometimes not enough praise is expressed when it comes to fathers. I know quite a few who are doing amazing jobs with their girls and their boys. Whether single, separated, married, or divorced I appreciate the awesome things they do every day.

So here is a Thank You to you! Hope you enjoy xoxo

http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters

Stop pointing your finger

This is not an easy subject to tackle or even one that many like to touch upon or discuss.

As always I never shy away from real life or from any opportunity to have a teaching moment with my daughter.
She is close to turning nineteen (19) years old now and entering a new stage in her life. We have been blessed to have always been able to discuss any and all topics, nothing is off limits...nothing. As I have shared in the past I never set a specific age or time to discuss any particular matter. We just talked as things came up. That was something her father and I believed in strongly from day one.

This particular subject is nothing we haven't discussed in the past either because it came up in our lives through family or friends or because we or she saw or heard something in regards to it via television or other form of media.

The subject matter is Cheating.

I am going to start this by saying ...No one can wreck something that isn't already Broken.
No one comes in and wrecks anything that already didn't have cracks.
With that you can chose to continue to read or delete this post all together.

Ok so if you are still here and I have your attention, let us talk for a moment.
Some time ago while having breakfast, my daughter and I sat and watched a segment on Good Morning America that had women on discussing a website dedicated to so called exposing women who engage in cheating.

It's a site where wives blast the so called other women, who destroyed their home. Really?
So let me see, your house was running just fine. You and your significant other had this amazing connection. The kids are doing well, work and the house are in order, your sex life is for filling.You help one another be the best version of yourselves and instill that in your family. Your communication skills were on point, your goals were clear and being met and you were peaceful in your spirit.
You invested a significant amount of time with one another outside of the children, you led fulfilling lives outside of one another, you were supportive and respectful and so called best friends. Then one day your wonderful husband ran into this "other woman" and she just "took" him away? You don't know how, heck he doesn't even know but just like that she snatched your "prize" up.

Seriously, there is something very wrong with your story.

First things first, women need to stop blaming the other woman and hold their partners accountable.
Women need to stop being so catty.
Second, women need to have a little bit more self worth, respect and value.
Fighting for a man? Blaming someone else, taking him back and then blasting your business on a website?

This is not about making excuses or condoning poor behavior. This is about accountability. It is about more than just one thing or one person. Doing that would just be taking the easy way out. It would be hypocritical to assign ourselves judge and jury of someone else's personal life and home.

Relationships are very complicated and breakdowns begin to happen for many reasons. It would be a shame for me to teach my daughter to blame others when things go wrong. It would be poor of me to teach my daughter also to stick around when things are just not working.
Everyone deserves respect, support and love.

If in your relationship you are no longer connected, your goals are no longer the same and your emotions are more lows than highs...it is time for a conversation. Don't allow what began as a fairy tale (what some women dream of) to end in a horror show.

I have personal experience in knowing when it is time to let go. I can say I am grateful it was not connected to cheating but it was connected to being disconnected.
I ended my relationship with my daughter's father after eighteen (18) years. It was sad, it was surreal, it was an adjustment but it was what I knew was the right thing to do. I loved him enough not to ever disrespect our union, our family, our daughter. We ended peacefully and lovingly.
My daughter has amazing memories of a life lived with two (2) parents that truly loved and respected one another till the end.

That is what we discuss, that is what I have taught and continue to teach.

Build a strong relation, respectful, supportive, kind and full of communication. Be true to yourself at all times. Never engage in disrespectful behavior to get your so called point across. Be accountable at all cost.
When something no longer works its time to close that door and open a new one.

Let's start a conversation always three sides to every story his, hers and the truth.

“Stop pointing fingers and placing blame on others. Your life can only change to the degree that you accept responsibility for it.” Steve Maraboli

Back to school...Redefined

My Lilmama (my daughter) is in college now. On Tuesday she returned to school and began her second (2) semester.

This was our Monday night...
Me- Your all set for tomorrow?
LM- Yeah, I just need to get few pencils, a pen and some new notebooks packed in my bag.
Me- Oh ok, you need anything else? You looking forward to new classes?
LM- No mama, I don't need anything else thanks I'm good. Yeah I love my schedule can't wait to check out my classes. Plus I have a class with Sonny can't wait for that (her new friend in college).
Me- Great ok glad to hear. Don't forget to set your alarm clock tonight.
LM- Ok I won't.
A few hours later I tuck her into bed (yes I still do that), we chat for a few I wish her sweet dreams and kiss her goodnight.

Tuesday morning...
LM- Ok I'm leaving now.
Me- Did you have breakfast?
LM- Yes I did, I'm good to go
Me- Ok lilmama, have great day be safe have fun. Make sure your bundled up and say hi to Sonny for me.
LM- Ok I will
Kisses and hugs and she was off to school. I stayed behind and got ready for work.

Tuesday night...
I got home after five (5), lilmama was already home. I got settled and then started to prepare dinner.
In the kitchen...
LM- So how was your day?
Me- Good, the usual. The office was quiet, caught up on some stuff. How about you, how was your first day back?
LM- Oh ok, glad you got caught up. Well my day was great. Sonny is good, everyone is good. My classes are fab, my teachers are good. I have one quirky teacher but he is great.

The next hour was full of details on her classes, what subject matters they were going to be touching, what she hoped to take away from each class, what other activities she may get into. I listened enthusiastically, commented, questioned and laughed. I was happy that she was happy.

In the end I commented...
Lilmama you shared your whole day with me without me having to really ask, so many parents wish they had what we just had and she said...
Well perhaps if they didn't attack the kid at the door, as they walked in and made them feel comfortable to share, they too could have the same. No one likes a hoverer.

I sometimes think back to her younger back to school day experiences, the school supplies shopping, the clothes shopping, the new challenges, the increase in responsibilities, the getting her book bag ready, the setting of the alarm, the adjusting of our daily lives to accommodate one another and I say out loud...thank heavens we survived all that. Glad you don't need me to help you as much any more and we both laugh.

Happy back to school, lilmama xoxo

Then

Now

Elder care

My grandmother turned 90 years old in August. I made an attempt to make it festive and cheerful. Honor the milestone and give her something she never had, a party of some sorts.
I got her balloons, decorations, gifts, cupcakes the works.
I will wrap up this portion of the story by saying none of her children came, she has five, none of them called and she was a pain in the butt grumpy, nothing is good enough, old lady as she almost always is. I was almost in tears but I made the best of it. She has early signs of Alzheimer's mixed with old age, she was never one to be very sweet with her words or actions as most of us think grandmothers should be. So I should not expect her to be any different now and neither should her children. I mean we don't change as we age we only become more intense in who we are.

Aside from her home attendants, I am the only grandchild and only person who really visits with her, calls her does all the things needed to be done. In January I had to make the necessary arrangements with her bank to take over her account because it was getting to be too much for her to go with her attendant. She was forgetting how to sign her name and she was not able to tell the difference between certain bill amounts. It was heart breaking to see her trying to remember the letters in her name. We were blessed to have such an amazing woman at the bank help us. She was loving and patient and funny and dealt with my grandmother’s rudeness with kindness in return. Two hours later we were successful in making the transition.

My visits with her for the most part are draining and sad. On some occasions they are downright brutal. I leave there feeling like I just went a few rounds with Mike Tyson. It takes me several hours sometimes even over a day to get back to my old self. I tend not to really talk much afterwards and I become very somber in mood and spirit. I turn to Meditation and Yoga for help.

I have seen, read and observed so many ways people deal with the elderly. I never gave it much thought myself till I had to be so heavily involved with my grandmother. It takes a lot of energy, patients, strength, time, effort and love. It takes empathy.

In her case it's her attitude most of all and her outlook on life that makes it even more difficult. I am sure there are others like her, ones the kids can't handle. Ones that make it hard for you to look past their treatment of you and just stick it out. But for the most part grandparents are supposed to bring to mind fond memories of baking, sewing, arts and crafts, camping trips and holiday dinners.
I have come to understand that a lot of little things come into play on why our elderly’s treatment of us can become so difficult. Aside from their basic personalities we also have to take into consideration their medical issues and loneliness. Some of them spend a lot of time alone thinking, worrying, remembering and if in good mind, planning. Loneliness can be a slow killer.

In most cultures and in other countries for the most part, the elderly are revered as the wise. They are taken in, respected and cared for.  They are cherished and looked upon as those who paved the way for their families. They are the ones who kept it all together and when they no longer are able to do that they are still respected and made comfortable.

I find that in the US things are not as such. We rely on senior facilities, nursing homes, home attendants and so forth to do those jobs for us. We tend to treat our seniors poorly at times and show a lack of respect totally unwarranted. We almost discard them and treat them as a nuisance.

My grandmother’s attitude has always been an issue but perhaps if her children had been more involved over the years her quality of life today would be better. I am sure if we found more positive ways to handle our elderly their lives and their contributions would also have value.

We all age; we will all be that old women or old man at the store or crossing the street.
Let's start to change our attitudes and start working now while we are still young to insure that our loved ones will be able to care for us, tolerate us and even still love us.

Let's start now preparing and building a better quality of life.