Why am I Here?

Happy Sunday!

illustration by charlotteengelstudio.com

Today is the day after my lil mama's 21st Birthday. I am resting up from all the running around I did yesterday but happy to say my dinner was a great success! Her fav stuffed shells had a little crunch to them I added sweet peppers. Delish results, the b'day girl was pleased.

Then I had ordered custom balloons from Party city and totally forgot they were in my car waiting to be inflated and had to go back out when I was already parked at home.

I can't believe my baby is so grown...

She was like ok this is great I feel the love but I have another party to go to...

and this was a short time ago...the party continues on her way to brunch with some friends.

Happy 21st Birth Day my Sunshine! So blessed to have you in my life 

and always honored to be 

your mother xoxo

Live with Purpose

illustration by flabyouloss.wordpress.com

Always stress free xo

Mari

I am still Growing Up

Maturity is widening the gap between impulse and action

What a statement, hello my lovelies what do you think about that?
Does it ring any truth for you?
It does for me. As I recap 2015 and all the ups and downs I experienced I am focusing on my attitude and behavior and how I handled myself. Did I fly off the handle as I quickly did in my teens and twenties? Did I sulk or suck my teeth, did I take a breath and slow myself down?

In all honesty I must say I am proud of the strides I've made but I did have a few fails.

Like when my daughter fell short on an expectation I had of her and the conversation wasn't very calm. I found myself raising my voice and repeating myself instead of finding a solution I totally shut her off and nothing was gained. Shortly after I was very disappointed in myself for projecting my expectations on her and ended up having to refocus and regroup.
That's what we do sometimes as parents and that's why we have moments of failure. Our expectations are just that ours, and when we project them on our children and even on others most times things don't turn out so great. Those are moments when as we mature we learn to bow our heads and apologize for behaving like a clown.

illustration by rawforbeauty.com

Then there was the time when my friend offered to help install my Air Conditioner window brackets and I totally flipped out because certain things around the window were moved and I being the crazy control nut with self diagnosed OCD lost my temper instead of explaining myself better. I raised my voice about moving the curtains and pushing some of the furniture around instead of just taking a deep breath and explaining myself better. I should have let my friend know I just like things in order and if you move my stuff around I need a heads up. The flip side of that was and is that my friend should have had more patience with me and listened better. It wasn't a challenge to his help it was just  an opportunity to respect how others handle stuff. We both failed that day but learned the lesson of compassion. When someone close to you is going through something, don't rush them. Be supportive and slow down.

And how can I not mention all the tests baby #2, my grandma has put me through. I tell you I still have hair because I just don't want to pull mines out though at times I wish I could pull someone else. From her threats on hitting me with her cane to her acting up in the doctor's office to her outright refusal to cooperate on numerous occasions she truly has tested me the most but with many fails came many passes. I've learned to reign my need for control in when it comes to her special needs and just go with the flow. Ride the wave as I say. I have learned but still have a ways to go on how to adjust my role from one moment to the next when it comes to her. I am learning daily how to let her dictate what my day with her will be like. This truly is my biggest challenge, Alzheimers is no joke geez....

So I repeat again...Maturity is widening the gap between impulse and action

illustration by rebelgrain.com

If we get to a place where we use impulse less and actions more than we are growing steady. We are getting closer to the person we want to become. Maturity is a destination, a place we hope to reach at some point. It is not an easy journey but one I hope most agree is a worth while trip.

What about you, have you had any failures recently that got you closer to Maturity? What are your thoughts on Growing Up?

Always stress free xo

Mari

Goodnight my Sunshine

Good Morning! Being that Thanksgiving is right around the corner I find myself in deep thought. I am having a mommy moment. This is a share of an internal thought and conversation I had in my head the other night while I was on my walk in the park...

Hey Lil Mama it's not often I put much thought into the day you will be on your own. I pretty much decided when you entered college just to enjoy each moment and each day with you as it came with no rush. To be in the moment as best I could and soak all of you in. I can't say how grateful I am thus far to have taken that approach because time is moving so quickly.

I can't believe how much you have grown and it amazes me how focused and sure you are of yourself and your life's journey at age twenty. Some would credit your father and I and we gladly would smile and say thank you but I truly believe it is a combination of so many pieces falling into place with effort, focus, time, respect and communication.

illustration by fineartamerica.com

Sometimes I look around our home and stop at each and every picture of you and smile, you are my Sunshine.
Sometimes I go to your room and sit in your bed and smile, you are my Sunshine.
Sometimes I pick up the mess you leave behind when you rush off to work, you are my Sunshine.

I decided to take some notes on what I will and will not miss when you move out and here it is:
I will not miss...
-throwing out your garbage
-picking up the crumbs you drop on the floor
-wiping the stove down after you've used it
-hearing how the strawberries I bought are juiced up because they are huge and out of season
-how I bought you the wrong snacks
-having to replace whatever it was you forgot to tell me has finished
-worrying that you set your alarm
-reminding you to set out your laundry
-wondering if you took your umbrella
-worrying that you might injure yourself because you are always moving so fast like the Tasmanian devil
-wondering if you will take the time to organize your room
-hearing you drop things in your closet as you get ready to head out
-leaving the hallway light on when you are out late and I am heading off to bed
-texting you my whereabouts after 6pm which is the set grace period you have given me to check in after work for as long as I can remember
-doing a verbal check off list when you are packing to go away some where
-doing a verbal check off list any time you are going any where wallet check, hair clip check, gloves check, keys check

illustration by queeky.com

I will miss...
-all those things and more but what I will miss the most is our bedtime routine
For as long as you have been my child I have always tucked you into bed in one way or another. Your early years was one routine, teen years another and now another but always some sort of bonding time. I will miss those hugs and kisses for sure.

I hope that your memories of your childhood include our bedtime song...

You are my Sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my Erica Sunshine away (kiss kiss kiss)
Please don't take my Erica Sunshine away (kiss kiss kiss)
Please don't take my(insert silly adjectives) Erica Sunshine aaaaaaaaaa waaaayyyyyyyyyyy (kisses and hugs)
Goodnight my Sunshine

illustration by youtube.com

Ah the journey of parenthood. Have you had these moments? Thoughts of life once your child hits a certain age? How did you deal with it or how are you dealing with it? Share your thoughts I'd love to hear.

Always stress free xo
Mari

Getting closer to Leaving the Nest

I had this thought while I walked in the park on Monday...

By the time I was my daughter's age I had been living on my own for almost two years. I had a full time job and a serious relationship and bills to pay, real bills.
When I look at my child today, I can't believe the big responsibility I had to handle so early on simply because my mother and I couldn't get along and couldn't compromise. I can't imagine my daughter having to deal with all I had on my plate.

It isn't that I don't think my daughter can't or couldn't handle it, it's that I feel she shouldn't have to at this age. Yes have a job, yes go to school, yes have a relationship, yes be independent but not because I am pushing you out of the house with my behavior or expectations but because you are practicing for when you are prepared to leave this place which you have called "home".

illustration by overstock.com

This eighteen years and I am done attitude has never been my train of thought. This yes leave my house go away to school and forge your own path has never been my goal. All these things will come and do come sooner than we know it. Parenting comes with loads of anxiety, those first eighteen years brings different levels such as:

• Sleeping through the night
• First tooth
• Sleeping in their own beds
• 1st day of school
• Puberty (I will speak on this often at later date).
• Transition from elementary to high school
• First time they disobey you
• First dates
• First meaningful disappointment (ours was not getting into her first choice in H.S., which turned out to be a blessing).
• First relationship
• First time they sleep away from home (for us that was at about age 6 and I hugged her like she was going away for 3 years and not 3 days lol).
The list is endless.

illustration by cartoonstock.com

As I am approaching this next stage what I have come to realize is that all those moments all those levels and everything in between still cannot truly prepare you for when your child is fully grown and independent and an “Adult”.
You begin to see things in a different light; you begin to appreciate those simple moments.
You come into a new anxiety level of my baby is going out into this big old world and I can no longer hold their hand or protect them.

So what do we do? How can we help? How can we make the most of those eighteen years?
• Lots of love
• Lots of patience
• Lots of communication
• Learn to Listen
• Invest time in getting to know one another
• Focus on the positive, work through the negatives
• Build memories and share lessons that will last a lifetime
• Share plenty of laughs, lots of hugs and teach kindness
The anxiety may still exist but all that you have built together with your child will make it a lot easier to let go of that hand.

What else can we do to ease our anxiety?

 This is one of my most treasured pictures of my daughter, that face. I can't believe she is twenty years old. When I have moments of awh poor me I ask her to sit on my lap like the old days and we get such a laugh at that because then I sit on hers and it is wonderful.
Building memories and constant communication has been a great help in preparing me for "that" day indeed.

What did you do to ease the anxiety of your baby leaving the nest? Share your story.

Always stress free xo.

Today I had to Check Myself

Hey! Happy Sunday I am enjoying a peaceful day at home on my chaise lounge readying, writing and sorting through some mail.

I've had a busy but wonderful past week. I started my Words that Move writers workshop this week as well as my Women on the Edge of Evolution online conference. What an amazing experience thus far. Great shares to follow!!!

Anyhow, while I sat here a thought came to mind about something that happened to me a short while ago. One of those parenting moments some of us have we think we are above having. 

My daughter and I are extremely close. As you can see from the shares on my blog. Our differences are what allow us to continue to teach and learn from one another. 

This has always been the case in the past 20 years of our lives. In the investment of these years I have always made sure I was clear that my purpose as her mother was to guide and support. That I would have but x amount of time to do these things before she would be out in the world implementing them and on her own no longer needing so much of my guidance.

Well....here's the moment I forgot all that and then had to check myself.

You see, my daughter went away for the weekend to New Paltz to visit her friend in school. The whole weekend we only spoke via text about three times and one of those days 10 hours passed and we had not spoken, what?! That never happens, even when she would go away as a youngster to North Carolina with her best friend and her family for the summer. We always talk via text during the day, sometimes she's in class and we are yapping about music, clothes, television, something.

On the 11th hour I finally texted her and commented on the time, she just said "oh been relaxing."

With that response I said goodnight and sat with my thoughts for a while.

Why was I feeling bothered? Why was the length of time an issue? What was going on in my head?

Answer...my daughter is getting older and has her own life.

She is implementing all I have taught and for some brief moments I wasn't prepared for the reality of it. Part of the parenting package. Motherhood life.

At her age I was already living on my own for a year and living with her dad at that. I had a full time job, had passed on College and was totally responsible for myself and my household. I should have been totally ok with the lack of communication for a few hours but I wasn't.
I had to check myself.

Everything is fine, we are still as close as ever, she still likes my company and we are growing in our journey together. She is just growing up, into a wonderful independent young woman. Just like you wanted, just like you said and just like you did.

Motherhood life...sometimes we just have to Check Ourselves. Have you had one of these moments? Share how you handled it. 

Always stress free xo. 

Making room for Changes

Sugar & Spice & Everything nice.
This is the tag connected to girls from an old nursery rhyme.

I found it funny that this came to mind as I sat in my daughter's room over the weekend as she cleaned out her closet and toy chest.

A little back story my daughter is now 19 years old and a Sophomore in Baruch College in NYC.
She is not a baby anymore for sure but she is my baby.

So I sat there as we chatted, laughed and listened to music. She had commented earlier in the week that her room was too cluttered with stuff she had outgrown and needed to make some changes.
As I watched her take stuff out her toy chest and make piles and go into her closet and add to the piles I thought "Wow, some of this stuff is not sugar & spice or at least not by some definitions."

I realized that all these things and access to these things are the ingredients that have added to the young woman who is, my daughter.

It is a shame that we continue to allow society to dictate the categories we fall under.
What roles women are "suppose" to play and what men are "suppose" to do.
I have touched on this in the past with posts like boys-go-through-this-too and what-it-means-to-be and I always make mention of allowing kids to be kids and not boxing them in.

As I continued to watch and with every piece she was letting go of I was going down memory lane I embraced the continuing change in our lives. All the little things that had a part in building this person.
My little girl was letting go of:
-lego sets
-dolls
-video games and consoles
-handheld electronic games
-Yu-Gi-Oh cards
-Razor scooter
-board games
-graphic T-Shirts
-Mattel toy cars
-bag of plastic bracelets
-RV mini race cars
-Sony psp and accessories
just to list a few.

illustration by dayofthegirlssummit.com

In those piles I didn't see many "girl" toys but I did see many happy memories. Many good times, lots of laughs, lots of lessons learned, lots of great family moments, lots of love.
I saw innocence, childhood, freedom.
So for my daughter, for our family and for me that indeed was Sugar & Spice & Everything nice.
We were raising a happy, well balanced, open minded human being. Not a wife or cook or librarian or teacher or waitress but a human being. Now, if she so chooses any of these roles for herself in the future than we will continue to be as supportive as we always have been. But she has choices.

What have your kids out grown and were they gender specific or just good ole let's have some fun toys?

Always stress free xo.

Where did my Baby go?

We often find ourselves saying "time flies".

We often say as parents "my baby is all grown up now".

But exactly when that moment will be, when it truly hits you and stops you in your tracks you never know and you have no idea what your emotions will be.

That was the case a few days ago for me.

As my blog friends know I have a 19 year old daughter. She hasn't been a baby for quite sometime now but regardless of "time" she will always be my baby.
Next week she will start her 2nd year in college, what?!!!

The other night we were talking as usual, a friend of mine was also over and we were all in deep conversation. I can't say for certain what word she said or what the topic even was but I just stopped and looked at her and my eyes began to water.
I said "Wow, you really are all grown up. I can't believe it. I really no longer have a baby." "I knew the time was coming and I have been noticing it for a while but it just really hit me and I am feeling really emotional right now."
She says "Yeah mami, I am going to be 20 years old soon but don't worry I am not going anywhere any time soon I will be around for a little while longer." Then we hug and I bite her cheeks, something I have done since she was born.

I turn and look at my friend and comment about how strange it is to see another "adult" next to you and realize it is your child. My friend said yeah it really is, I had the same emotions a few days ago when my son was visiting with me.

My "baby" as I knew her is officially gone and as I said its been coming for a while now but one thing that isn't gone is the bond that we have built.
The mutual respect, support and friendship we have cultivated and all the seeds that are still growing from all those talks in the car when I dropped her off at school, all the bedtime stories, all the bath time chats, all the "special topics" at the dinner table.
My job for the most part is done. Now I get to sit back and see my years of talks, rules, negotiations, smiles, tears, laughter, parent teacher meets, play date drop offs, birthday party plannings, Disney trips, proms and graduations (at least 1 more coming though) all come together in this 1 beautiful, strong, intelligent, kind, giving, brilliant, independent young women I call my daughter, Erica.

That watery eye moment was bittersweet, I got teary because I love my child as most parents do. I got emotional because at that moment I was so grateful to have for the most part been in the moment of just about every moment in my child's life.
I didn't allow work, career, bills, drama, stress or any other "life" events get in the way of my "time" with my Lil mama.
Nothing is more valuable than what you invest in your children. No amount of money buys the memories they carry with them throughout their own adult life.
I already see and reap the rewards of my investment. I already enjoy the riches of these past 19 years.

~Communication
~Respect
~Love
~Support

I can never stress and will never stop stressing enough just the priceless value of communication above all else with our children. Communication done properly will open all the doors to endless possibilities in your parenting journey. What is proper communication? Listening with open mind, remembering you were young once too, setting reasonable rules and goals, respecting your child as an individual. We don't own them, we guide them into becoming who they are meant to be.

The picture share are a taste of the sort of notes I have received over the years. One being a snap shot of a recent text message exchange Lil mama and I had.

Always stress free xo

Back to School Conversations

Another school year is upon us.

Some of us will be letting go of our babies for the very first time, some of us will be advancing to another grade in our journeys and some of us will be crossing major milestones.
Whichever step it is we are in, they are life changers for all involved, they are character builders and a time for our parenting skills to be tested.

As I sit and talk with my own daughter and as I interact with the other babies in my life I started to think about what sort of conversations should we as parents be having in general but especially around this time of year.
I say I have many babies because not only do I have one biological daughter but many of her own friends and my own friends kids treat and see me as a second mommy.

My tool for building this trust as I always share is communication. I am a talker and I do know how to listen as if I was at their level. I still haven't forgotten I was younger once too.

So...what should we be saying this lovely start of a new school year?

These are the conversation topics I came up with:

~Mommy and Daddy are very proud of you. You are growing up and we are excited to support you in this new adventure. We will always be here for you and you are enough just the way you are.
~Not everyone will be your friend but that is ok because you should always surround yourself with people who will be nice, kind and helpful.
~Mommy (or Daddy) won't forget to pick you up, I will be right outside that door when the bell rings.
~Never be afraid to stand up for what is right, if you are uncomfortable about something speak up. Even teachers should be questioned. We are here to protect you and stand up for you always.
~No one has the right to touch you...EVER.
~Being part of the "crowd" is not your goal. Your goal is to be a leader in your own right. You are worthy of that respect.
~Being a leader does not mean be a bully. It means to learn to work with others while being true to yourself.
~Please and Thank You can go a long way.
~It's ok to cry if you get hurt or are upset about something in school. But it is very important to learn to explain and express yourself with words. Mommy and or your teacher can't understand you if you are screaming.
~Remember to ask to go to the Potty. You wouldn't want to have an accident in school but if you do we will get through it. Have change of clothes in the little ones bag...Always.
~Remember that you are a reflection of me, of us and our home so I expect you to behave accordingly.
~Don't be afraid to try new things. A new sport, a new club, talk to a new student etc...Test yourself and see what you are made of.
~This is what I expect from you this school year...be clear on your expectations and be fair. Set the rules and watch them put things into play. If they fail punish accordingly but with love and always open communication.
~A new school can be scary yes and making new friends can be too but this is a great time for you to expand your wings and add new people to your circle.
~Be clear on your definitions of Boyfriend and Girlfriend. Trust it is not the same as our kids.
~Tweak your curfew times with age as well as chores and your conversation topics should be expanding as well.
~I am here to support you I am not here to do things for you. Stay on top of your homework and other social activities.
~If you can't find balance between school and social then your social will have to be put on hold.
~Cellphones, cars, sleepovers and so forth are privileges. They can and will be taken away if rules are not followed.
~Let's be clear on our rules. They will not be changed on the spot. So if I said no makeup until your 16 I mean and meant it. Don't ask me again.
~High School and College prep are your responsibilities, plan out what it will require and you will be assisted accordingly. Set a budget for school tours, exam fees etc...
~I am your parent. I don't care what so and so parents do in their home. Don't ever compare us or disrespect us.

I can go on and on but these can surely start you talking. Lastly but not at all less important or valid is...
~Have fun!!! Don't sweat the small stuff you are only this young once. Have an awesome school year!!!

What are some of your school year conversation topics? Do you have any specific ones or do you wing it as things come along?

Always stress free xo

Shattered Images

One of the things that come along with the package of parenting is the handling of disappointment.

Life brings us many, some more than others but I am referring to events or people that disappoint our children.

The sooner in our parenting journey we accept we CAN NOT protect our children from everything, the sooner we will invest that energy instead on how to show support and love when those moments do come.

No matter what age or gender at some point your child will be disappointed by someone or something. The something can be handled much quicker and more easily, but the SOMEONE...not so much.

It's only as we grow that we realize no one is perfect. It's only as we grow that we can either accept people for who they are or walk away. Children, Toddlers and Babies can't understand the concept of acceptance or walking away until they are much older. Therefore it is our responsibility to help them as they grow to understand failure, humanity, humility, respect, acceptance and peace.

Failure-sometimes people try to do their best, but their best isn't good enough.
Humanity-to be human is to act at times in ways that are hurtful and selfish and we must be aware that it may not have anything to do with us, but instead with the way that other person views themselves.
Humility-not many people are carriers of this trait and we must not allow their boisterous actions to extinguish our flame.
Respect-is earned, never just given, demanded or assumed.
Acceptance-sometimes people are just not as invested in you or your well being as you may be in them. Once you become aware of that your options are greater and the hurt becomes less.
Peace-when you take the time to gather all the information, put all the pieces together and come away with clarity you will have gained the peace to move forward and away from that which hurt and or disappointed you.

It will never be easy to see our children in discomfort but it will surely be worse if they are not prepared for it. Life sometimes brings lessons we wish we never had to learn. Shattered images of those we hold dear is one such lesson.

No such thing as perfection, don't put people up on a pedestal and sometimes there are just people out there that are not very nice.

So, as we accept we can't provide protection from all let's start getting ready to hold those hands, provide a shoulder, lend an ear, give plenty of hugs and kisses and tell them how much we love them and are blessed to have them in our lives.

Back to school...Redefined

My Lilmama (my daughter) is in college now. On Tuesday she returned to school and began her second (2) semester.

This was our Monday night...
Me- Your all set for tomorrow?
LM- Yeah, I just need to get few pencils, a pen and some new notebooks packed in my bag.
Me- Oh ok, you need anything else? You looking forward to new classes?
LM- No mama, I don't need anything else thanks I'm good. Yeah I love my schedule can't wait to check out my classes. Plus I have a class with Sonny can't wait for that (her new friend in college).
Me- Great ok glad to hear. Don't forget to set your alarm clock tonight.
LM- Ok I won't.
A few hours later I tuck her into bed (yes I still do that), we chat for a few I wish her sweet dreams and kiss her goodnight.

Tuesday morning...
LM- Ok I'm leaving now.
Me- Did you have breakfast?
LM- Yes I did, I'm good to go
Me- Ok lilmama, have great day be safe have fun. Make sure your bundled up and say hi to Sonny for me.
LM- Ok I will
Kisses and hugs and she was off to school. I stayed behind and got ready for work.

Tuesday night...
I got home after five (5), lilmama was already home. I got settled and then started to prepare dinner.
In the kitchen...
LM- So how was your day?
Me- Good, the usual. The office was quiet, caught up on some stuff. How about you, how was your first day back?
LM- Oh ok, glad you got caught up. Well my day was great. Sonny is good, everyone is good. My classes are fab, my teachers are good. I have one quirky teacher but he is great.

The next hour was full of details on her classes, what subject matters they were going to be touching, what she hoped to take away from each class, what other activities she may get into. I listened enthusiastically, commented, questioned and laughed. I was happy that she was happy.

In the end I commented...
Lilmama you shared your whole day with me without me having to really ask, so many parents wish they had what we just had and she said...
Well perhaps if they didn't attack the kid at the door, as they walked in and made them feel comfortable to share, they too could have the same. No one likes a hoverer.

I sometimes think back to her younger back to school day experiences, the school supplies shopping, the clothes shopping, the new challenges, the increase in responsibilities, the getting her book bag ready, the setting of the alarm, the adjusting of our daily lives to accommodate one another and I say out loud...thank heavens we survived all that. Glad you don't need me to help you as much any more and we both laugh.

Happy back to school, lilmama xoxo

Then

Now