Raising Honest children

Seems every where we turn now someone is being caught in a lie. Maybe you want to call it half truth or just disclosing what was necessary at the time? Choosing to omit in order to keep the peace? I can go on with all the reasons but in the end it certainly wasn't the truth.
As parents how do we address these issues? How do we start a conversation or address a question bought to us by our child(ren)? For instance, recent events such as Melania Trump taking snippets from Michelle Obama's 2008 speech. It's not an if or maybe it is clear. How do we talk about honesty and lies?

When I first started my blog I wrote on this subject, I am re-posting it again with few updates:

Have you experienced a time when you found out your child has lied to you? Have you noticed a pattern of fibs your son has been telling? Does your daughter try to cover her tracks by lying?

illustration by pinterest.com

What are we to do when we are faced with the possibility that our children are liars, that they do it often and like to do it because it keeps them out of so called trouble or worse yet allows them to manipulate others? Do we yell, punish, scream, resort to use of physical means to stop this behavior? Do we sit, talk and maybe get outside sources to help us?

My perspective is let's try talking first. Yelling and screaming only distracts from the real issues and makes the child loose interest and focus. They will not grasp the information you are trying to get across. The message gets lost in the delivery. Our goal is raising honest children.

-sit him or her down, explain in language suitable for their age what the problem is.
-explain what lying is, maybe they really have no real idea.
-give examples don't just say because it is wrong or I don't like it. An example can be lying about where they were.Let them know it's not that you are tracking them or you don't trust them but instead make it clear it's for safety if something were to happen you want to be able to trace their steps.You want to be able to have peace of mind they are in safe places.

illustration by wisieforkids.com

If your child lies to manipulate one person over the other, share that trust is very valuable. That they will want you to trust them so they can do the things they enjoy like visit with friends, stay out later, start to date, join school teams etc...And when they lie, those privileges must be taken away.

If they are younger you should find cartoons or books that can assist with teaching them what lies are. When they see a character they love explain or behave in ways we are trying to teach it makes things a little clearer. 

You may also try to say things like, what if mommy told you we were going to the park but instead we went  grocery shopping. You wouldn't like that, it is a lie and it would make you feel sad.

Language is important. The goal is to get better results and remove poor habits. And let's not forget to acknowledge when the truth has been told. We encourage by acknowledgment and we encourage even when we don't like what we hear the goal again is the truth. What are your thoughts? Have you dealt with these issues already? What tips or tricks can you share with us?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Getting to the Root of the Problem?

illustration by ngsuyasa.wordpress.com

I really sometimes think I may have missed my calling because boy do I love to ask questions. 

Nothing ever happens just because. Deep down inside there is always a reason its just we as humans find it easier to cover up than to peel away the layers.

Today I want us to chat about short tempers and anxiety.

So I go out the other night with a friend and we meet up with a few more friends. Everyone is having a nice time lots of laughs, great food, nice drinks and cool music until...things begin to get a little uncomfortable. I love to have a good time but I am not one to call unnecessary attention on myself and if you act like a buffoon around me I will most definitely walk away and leave you standing there. Not to leave out that things began to get a little chaotic in our surroundings and I felt it was my cue to go. As most independent women do I am always prepared to pick up and go without having to feel trapped in my surroundings or by the people I am with. So I discreetly lean over and say "I think its time for me to go." My friend on the other hand feels its no big deal they have things covered, we are safe and we should keep lounging as we have. I sit tight for a little longer but then something else catches my eye and I am totally done. I lean in again and say "ok seriously its my time to go."

Said friend sort of reluctantly says ok and we proceed to leave. As we are walking out I ask the question, "What happened to your attitude, one minute your cool the next your defensive and a bit snappy?" I hear things like "I don't like to be questioned. I know what I am doing. I am grown. I have things under control." All the while in my mind I'm going "what on earth?" To be clear the conversation wasn't running smoothly I had to take several deep breaths but as it progressed the root of the problem was revealed.

illustration by smartbear.com

Turns out said friend has issues with authority which causes a short temper which spills into anxiety for all involved. 

How did we get to that conclusion? Because I asked "how did you feel when you heard such and such?" When you ask the right questions you will get a better answer. Such friend felt that I was questioning their judgment therefore questioning their ability to take care of any situation. And because they had already had a long day exhaustion was creeping in and their tolerance was short. This Q&A was so revealing. I suggested that moving forward being tired caused poor attitude which caused a bad mix for socializing. And I also shared my perspective that "One can only control oneself. Everyone has the right to question anything they feel like when it pertains to their person."

Getting to the root of the problem is so healing. Not just in day to day relationships but also as parents. We tend to be so busy at times that when our kids give us short responses like "I was too tired or it really isn't such a big deal or I don't want to talk about it" we shrug things off and let it go. Sometimes it really isn't a big deal but it doesn't hurt to perhaps revisit with a better question. It also doesn't hurt when you really know your kid and can tell from their behavior if something is really up.

illustration by pinterst.com

Back to the beginning...nothing ever happens just because. Ask questions, peel the layers. Sometimes the truth hurts but shortly after the healing can work wonders. Getting to the root of the problem can change your life. 

What do you think? Share your thoughts and experience.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Parents don't have all the Answers

Happy Wednesday! A lovely evening of Pretty Little Liars watching with my Lil mama bought upon some great conversation and as I fell asleep last night this is what I thought of again. So I wanted to talk about it with you.

Here's is a BIG question...

Should I admit I don’ have all the answers? I don’t really know everything after all?
Would it be so terrible of me to actually “be human”?

illustration by opencolleges.edu.au

My perspective is that once we can freely admit that just because we are parents we don't have special powers that allow us to know everything we are better able to communicate with our kids and find out the answers, Together.

My twenty one years of non stop talks have bought about many learning lessons indeed. I wasn't afraid to admit I didn't know everything and I wasn't afraid to ask for help or look things up. Topics ranging from drugs to body development to self esteem and sexuality we have touched it all. We survived because we did the following:

-we made time to talk daily
-we showed each other respect
-we didn't turn our talks in lessons
-we used age appropriate language

illustration by thecrazylady.wordpress.com

Communication is key, our kids need to feel and know that regardless of how uncomfortable something may be they can come to us and talk things through and if we can't help we will help them in getting the right answers...together. Today there are so many pressures and so much available information, as parents it is our responsibility to make sure our kids are getting the right information.

Parenting is a journey, there is no right or wrong answer all the time. Parents don't have all the answers and that is totally ok. Next time your kid comes up to you and asks you a question take the opportunity to talk about how you felt at that age when you too had questions and didn't know who to turn to for the answers. Never forget you were that same age once.

What do you think? Is this something we should admit and start a conversation with our kids about? Is admitting we don't know it all a bad thing?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Not Broken, just Bent

Ever have that moment when you know there is still some good left but so many little bad things have clouded the way and you just don't know how you will or even can...get past them?

Love is not about being on a smooth ride it's about being on a ride worth staying on till the end.

Every little disagreement or lack of interest or even brakes in compatibility are not the end all or be all that we paint them to be while we are in the moment. It is only when we allow them to pile up and build so high we can't see past them anymore that we are heading towards disaster. But how can we tell the difference between not Broken and just Bent?

illustration by kafkalives.org

I have a unique respect and affection for the word Broken, so much so I have it tattooed on the back of my neck. Only when I wear my hair up and especially in the Summer is it visible to all. When it is seen people's reactions are very interesting. Emotions are strong with that one little word.
But I find it powerful and freeing.

All relationships go through changes.
Nothing gets to the middle as it began and nothing ends as it started. If it does than it's actually sad because it means there was no growth and no addition and lots and lots of just dealing with.

As parents we get the sort of guaranteed 18 years of changes depending on your life's journey, I'm nearing 21 very soon. Had I not been willing to work with the Bent moments we certainly would have been Broken. I made a conscious choice, to do the best I could with what I had to make the ride with my daughter one worth staying on till the end.

illustration by jarofquotes.com

That same attention to details and dedication to success applies to all my other relationships and from my perspective it is something that at times many of us begin to lack and become neglectful of. We take for granted the little things that bought us together and begin to focus on things that with effort and communication could be smoothed out. We turn our backs on moments we think will always be there and let our attention be consumed by those uncomfortable episodes of daily life.

Love is not something forced, it's that tug in your heart that says "you really pist me off right now but I am so glad you will still be around for another hug later". Love is breath and changes.
Next time you hit a rough patch ask yourself...
"Will that really matter in the end?"
Not Broken, just Bent

illustration by indiabright.com

Share your thoughts, do you believe all relationships should just flow smoothly or are you open to accept that moments will come that test your invested time and energy?

Always stress free xo

Mari

Sometimes Talk is Not Cheap

Happy Sunday! I am so looking forward to Spring I already started replanting and adding some new plants to my already filled home. I live in an apartment so space is limited for those that know about apartment living but I just feel so alive and happy around plants. I'll share some pictures soon.

Today I wanted to briefly bring you up to speed on my share about disappointment. I ended up requesting the Home Attendants removal but not before finding out some even more unsavory information and still the verbal diarrhea continued up until this past Friday when another family member reached out to me to express his view and opinions. Keep in mind no one else in my family plays any role in my grandmother's care. With that being said as I was being semi attacked and questioned for my actions as I breathed deeply and closed my eyes I thought about this...Talk is Cheap...or is it?

Remember the phrase "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?"

illustration by quotes gram.com

How as kids our parents would tell us to shrug off someone's ugly words or perhaps at some point we told that to our our children? Then hopefully we learned better and realized that words do hurt. Sometimes even more than a slap in the face, at least a slap is a sting for a moment but what is left behind from that what came with that slap is what lingers forever.

Talk is not Cheap when it leaves scars. 

illustration by pinterest.com

When in anger or out of spite you say things that are hurtful just because you are feeling hurt yourself. You feel that if you unleash your arsenal of words you will feel better, you will get the results you want, you will...Win. But you don't what you do instead is leave a trail of destruction that sometimes takes years to repair or perhaps can never be repaired at all.

Hey listen it happens we all get angry at some point but blind anger is dangerous. I always think of this even before I started to live more mindfully and practice Meditation and Yoga. Even in my youth I was aware and conscious of name calling you can't turn back from that. Then when I had lil mama I always asked myself "would I speak to her like that or would I want her spoken to like that by someone else?" The answer was and continues to be No. 

Most parents are always protective of their children regardless of the circumstances so my perspective is to always keep my child in mind when dealing in explosive situations and communications. Words can be a dangerous tool if used poorly. 

illustration by pinterest.com

I've been working really hard at my communication skills for quite some time now and I am grateful to have learned better. Lot's of reading, talking, podcasts, volunteering, listening and trail and error but I can't give up. I must try every day to do better than yesterday. I was watching our Republican candidates a few days ago and felt such shame in these men who want to lead our Country? These are what people consider Leaders? Even those exchanges if we don't pay attention are a distraction. They invest time in insults just not to tackle the more important issues. That's just what happens in verbal attacks. So much is being said emotions go all over the place, talk is not Cheap.

So what can we do to make our talks cost less?

-BREATHE

-STOP

-WALK AWAY

-BREATHE

-STOP

-THINK

-REVISIT at another TIME

Whatever issues arise will still be there later, give yourself some space to choose your words carefully. This idea is Priceless.

What are your thoughts, how do you handle conflict? Do you give into the urge to lash back or do you remain focused and come back to issues later? What do you teach your kids about their use of words to hurt others? What lessons have you yourself learned? I'd love to know share your thoughts.

Always stress free xo

Mari

The Reflection of Disappointment

Happy Sunday! To my surprise I was up and running by 8:30 today and was totally embracing the days possibilities but I wanted to sit a minute or two or thirty and chat with you guys about Disappointment. Today many go to their place of worship and discuss Forgiveness and being Kind to their fellow man and the importance of Family and Purpose but how many will take those teachings to heart and walk out and Live it?

This past week I had two eye opening experiences that hurt my heart deeply and woke me up to life's sometimes cruel reality. Human beings when wrapped up in their own pain, struggles or plans can be really oblivious to others around them and act very poorly. This can be displayed in both words and or actions. 

My first lesson was last Saturday evening, I had just returned from a camera date and was feeling really happy and proud of my captures. I was home whining down and called baby #2 (my grandma) to check up on her. Five minutes into the conversation with her weekend Home Attendant I knew that things were heading down hill. It was like I was in the middle of some bad relationship drama, with the he said she said. The one where you start to point out things that you have been holding onto for some time and the flood gates just opened up...WIDE.

illustration by pinterest

I won't get into details because the conversation was an hour and fifteen minutes and I will never forget that number because I will never get that time back and this woman displayed all the character traits I dislike and try to stay away from. Liars, schemers, cowards, manipulators, weasel behavior. She took an almost two year relationship and trust and spit on it and dragged it through the mud then set it on fire for show. She revealed some things that she was holding on to because "I am just not easy to talk to" that could have potentially put my almost 93yr old grandma that suffers from Alzheimers in danger. 

As I calmly explained to her I will never be easy to talk to if you lie to me in my face, then talk behind my back then come back as if nothing has happened. And why would anyone feel anything less that frustration and disappointment if things have just been revealed that could have been handled much earlier had someone had the respect to just speak up? You can't expect peace if you have set the tone for Chaos.

I referenced the fact that there are four women taking care of baby #2. I am the lead I take my cue from the remaining three  I can only solve a problem when I know there is one. I also pointed out the fact that my main responsibility and concern is my grandma if she is safe and good I am fine put her in harms way and we have a problem. I don't play with that it's like when parents protect their children at all costs, she is like my child. She can't defend herself or speak for herself or do for herself. She relies on us, on me to make the best choices for her and this woman was not understanding the depth of that. I had to invest a total of three trips to Brooklyn to speak to the other Home Attendants. I had to play mom and coral the kids at different times to get their versions of the story, then dissect the information to come out with the truth, remove Saturday problem lady. Parenting never stops, those skills go with you every where.

illustration by rowingupriver.org

My next lesson came from my daughter. After almost twenty one years she made a flip statement in fast conversation at 9am in the morning that bought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. It was the first time ever I had felt she was disappointed in Me and ashamed of who her parents were. It was such a blow one that felt like what being punched in the stomach must feel like. She tried to correct herself right after but the damage had already been done and I just politely asked that we stop conversing any further, I gathered myself and left for work. 

As a mother all I have ever wanted to do and have done is make the best decisions for her safety and growth. The sacrifices I have made have been for her to reap the rewards of the life her father and I didn't have and to hear from her words that suggest we somehow failed is disappointing indeed. I spent the whole day in sadness just soaking up this new revelation. 

illustration by positivelypresent.com

I held an hour long internal conversation with myself just going over our life and laying the pieces down and I realized that yes to a twenty year old who is extremely driven and energetic and full of knowledge and conviction some of her parents choices may seem lazy and perhaps even weak but we worked with the cards that were dealt to us and did the best that we could with what we had at the time. I wasn't mad at her turns out because she was a reflection of all the hard work that's been put into her and it was that hard work that gave her the confidence to speak what was to her at that moment her truth. At that moment I made peace with her words and understood the emotions behind them. She was upset at how life had played out for her parents because she saw how much more they were capable of.

Several hours passed that day and my lil mama texted me that she wanted us to have dinner together and have a chat so we did. She made us dinner and we talked about our day and then she touched on our exchange earlier that morning and apologized profusely. Turned out she had ran into a woman while in school and they had had a lengthy conversation about many things one being the sacrifices parents make for their children. Seems the woman's own share on her journey with her son touched my little one and gave her a different perspective. 

illustration by loveandbiscotti.com

She told me how proud she was and always has been of me and all I have provided for her and how she was grateful for all the lessons her father had taught her as well. She commented on how she had reflected on her own maturity and present situation and couldn't imagine being able to handle all we had to handle on our own. She said she had a new appreciation for all she had learned on that day.

She said she understood now how a real good parents job is never really done. That we are always working towards making things better for our children. I accepted her apology and her hugs and kisses with open arms and told her I respected what she had to say and was grateful we could talk.

The Reflection of Disappointment, if we stopped to look at ourselves more often we would spread more kindness. We would speak our peace with gentler words. We would see ourselves in others. We are all just trying to figure things out. 

Having the responsibility of caring for another is such a strong role. Parenting is a journey with many stations. Disappointment is one we will all land on but if we learn to communicate clearly and with respect our stay there can become very short. 

Someone we love will disappoint us and someone who loves us we will disappoint. How are you going to handle that moment? What will you say or do to get to the next station? If you already were there how did you handle it? Let's start a conversation.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Lessons learned from the movie Inside Out

We seem to think that if we fix the outside things will get better.
We change our hair styles, our clothes, the cars we drive, the places we live, our place of employment.
We date a variety of people, socialize in different circles, join different activities all trying to escape something that pained us.

All along the pain never goes away entirely because it is In us.

I watched the movie Inside Out several months back and I loved it. I want everyone to see it. Young and Old. I truly believe that it holds the potential to save a lot of people a lot of agony and wasted time.

illustration by ranker.com

As I watched the movie I found myself recalling times in my youth when I had moved and felt the same way. I think I've moved over 13 times thus far and I am sure I have at least 2 more in me before my journey is over. For me it wasn't so much the moving part, that was always exciting it was the making new friends and leaving old friends behind. It was the "new" kid label I always hated. 

illustration by disneysisters.com

Joy-the more we practice seeing the good in things the less we will suffer. The longer we whine and pity ourselves the harder it will be to pick ourselves up. There is always a solution. Life is beautiful, just look outside your door or give your child a hug! As I've gotten older the smallest things bring me Joy and I love it.

illustration by disneysisters.com

Sadness-no one likes to be sad or experience sadness but it helps teach us to have gratitude for the good times and have balance in our lives. Allowing yourself to work through your sadness gives you clarity and energy to refocus. One thing I realized as I watched her was that I have always been ok with sadness its Anger that has worn me out.

illustration by disneysisters.com

Anger-it will eat away at any hope you cling to. It will allow doubt and confusion to set in and take the place of letting go. I have learned that we must not fight Anger but instead question it and break it down. We must be still with it and say "ok I know you are here but you won't be for long". We must learn to say Good Bye quickly. Learning to take deep breaths helps, trust me!

illustration by disneysisters.com

Fear-this little bugger! Yes you help keep us safe by setting our caution sensors on full blast but you also hold us back from possibly becoming more of our awesome selves. I have a love / hate relationship with you. You have saved my butt on many occasions but you also continue to hold my wings too tight...time to let them go. I now know that you are not rational so I have to take the reigns and be pro-active. I have to make lists and visualize. You are another visitor we can't let hang around too long.

illustration by disneysisters.com

Disgust-I happen to actually like this one! I don't like messes of any kind both literally and figuratively. I run away quickly from chaos so feeling disgusted by a thing or a person has come in very helpful in my life. I think Disgust to some may come across as a sense of Better than but if you feel that its on You, I don't control your emotions. Disgust keeps us on our toes and helps us question our choices. Its a checks and balance system that can help us avoid people and things that kill our Spirit. Do you keep smelly garbage in your bedroom? I sure hope not and why is that? I would hope its because you have pride in yourself and in your space and only want to be surrounded by Greatness!

So these are my thoughts on this sweet Disney movie. Great conversation starter with our kids. Helpful tool on discussing our feelings especially at a time when so many of our kids are going through so many changes. Communication is the key!!!

What do you think? Do you have a balanced grip on your emotions? Have you taught your child(ren) that its ok to feel all types of emotions but its how we handle ourselves through them that really counts? Share what emotion you struggle with the most? The least and which is your favorite?

Always stress free xo

Mari

Let's talk Drugs and our Children

When we hold in our negative emotions they manifest in ways that hurt both our minds and our bodies. Choose your intentions by the outcome you wish to achieve.

My daughter is the best teacher I have ever had, she ranks above most of my actual teachers in my academic life. She has been teaching me things since she was about three years old. From how to not like messes but accept that they happen anyway, to dealing with shopping for sneakers instead of cute shoes, from talking about Yu Gi Oh to why we should question 911, from Lil Wayne's lyrics to Ernest Hemingway's books, from global warming to Prada's latest clothing line. Our lessons are endless.

One thing that has been a running topic over the past several years is the legalization of Marijuana use. Like her mother when something interests her the research is extensive and thorough. My daughter doesn't come to the table unprepared.

Upon entering H.S. the many topics as parents I hope we touch aside from academics is social activities and expectations. The different challenges and obstacles they will face and how best to approach them when they arise. One of those subjects will be drug use. I don't care what neighborhood you live in, rich or poor, what race or income drugs are present and our kids have access to them. It is pure neglect and stupidity to think "your" child won't be touched by this.

illustration by funerallocation.com

So of course as her parents, both her father and I gave her the "speech" the pros and cons and shared our experiences. We didn't try to make lite of the matter but we didn't drill fear in her either. During her last years in H.S. I noticed that our conversations were touching more and more about parties and the things that were going on inside them. Drinking, smoking and sex where part of the scene though I am sure it had been for some earlier than that but it was for her the comfortable time to chat about it more often and with a larger vocabulary and points.

Long story short my position then was be careful what you partake in because you alone will pay the consequences. Respect yourself and your body and don't do anything you will be ashamed of later and have fun and explore within in reason and safety. Live your life. So with that smoking weed entered our lives.
I am not against or for , I am no rep for what should be going on in anyone's home but I am for communication and picking your battles.

Use to be that when you thought of drugs you lumped Marijuana in like an enemy. I know that it wasn't until my daughter educated me and I further educated myself about its origins and vast uses that I was more aware and could further parent best with more knowledge and information. I've commented in the past how to most drinking in college is a right of passage and no one thinks anything of it but more kids die from alcohol abuse than marijuana use. Again I am not advocating I am stating facts.

I don't like the smell, I could care less about its calming affects I just don't have any interest. But I am a parent I am her mom and I will be open to discussions because I want to be respectful of her life choices and I want to understand her views. I don't want to be negative and pick a battle on something that is not worth the while.
I have stated my views and she has stated hers. We have put rules into place where our boundaries aren't crossed and we continue to talk openly and honestly about our choices. She's a full time student and holds a full time job and has a wonderful grade point average so her current choices aren't affecting her long term goals.

illustration by boolino.com

My intention is peace and respect. My intention is to continue to nurture our twenty plus years of connection and communication. My intention is not to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
I am the mother of an almost twenty one year old who is in her third year of college. We didn't get here by fighting over silly things in elementary school like what shoes to wear or hairstyle to use or in high school whether or not to use makeup or go to a movie with her friends. We got here by talking. By respectful communication. By listening even when we didn't want to hear the words that were being said.

So, you find yourself at a cross road with your child(ren) about life choices what should you do? My perspective?

-pick your battles
-start great communication skills when they are young
-be informed
-run your own house
-find a compromise

Only you know your child best and only you know what works in your home. Make those choices with that information first, not by what you see others do. There is no one template for good parenting but there is one no fail general rule...Communication.

What do you think? Are there subject matters that you are sure won't be affecting you? How do you think it is best to deal with subject matters you and your children don't agree with? Share your experiences here.

Always stress free xo

Mari

No Time for It!

Happy Hump day my lovelies! Some of us are still working around mounds of snow others enjoying the sun. However we are dealing with our day I wanted to ask you some questions.

illustration by amazon.uk.co

Are you doing everything in your power daily to live your life to its full potential? Are you focused on you and not on someone else? Have you been looking at yourself in the mirror and tearing away at the layers of junk you have accumulated? 

I am finding that more and more of us are not living up to our full potential because we waste our time on things that just don't concern us. Things that when all is said and done won't have helped us get to our destination.

I had a very unpleasant experience recently I'd like to share. I find that when I talk through certain things I gain more clarity. Women I want to say that our reputation for being catty will only continue to be our downfall. There is nothing attractive in projecting our short comings on someone else. I wish we wouldn't prove people right with some of the things we so happen to engage in. Case in point gossip and spiteful behavior.

I've commented in the past that I don't allow very many people in my close circle and deal even less with women because of the tearing down one to bring up the other actions. Yes not all women are like this I know but sadly more are than not. I've experienced many things in my years but being blamed for breakup of relationships hasn't been one. Until recently when I've become the scapegoat for someone else's personal issues. As if my existence on this planet altered their circumstances, their choices and the outcomes.To give me such power is disturbing to say the least.

my daily reminder that TIME is precious so I make sure I NEVER waste it

I will only say this as I say it each and every time...You and only you are responsible for your life. Every action you take brings about the next outcome. Every word that comes out of your mouth brings forth numerous reactions. Your choices have consequences. Look in the mirror first before you start looking around and pointing the finger.

As a parent my responsibility has been to teach my daughter to be careful with her actions and own up to her choices. To set an example of mindful living and respectful communication. To use her Time wisely. Talking about people and spreading rumors, causing drama and chaos are a waste of time and energy. I've taught her to be supportive of her friends but not to get involved in the he said she said and that in every story there are three sides two the accounts of those involved and one the truth.

illustration by elynenoir.deviantart.com

As a woman I follow the same path. Tend to yours and don't involve anyone else. No one makes anyone do anything they don't want to do. Take responsibility for what you have bought to the table and focus on your plate. Its unfortunate anyone would place blame on another for their situations let alone sole blame. Its also unfortunate that adults would stoop to childish actions to somehow resolve the matter. I am only interested in dealing with my journey and reaping the rewards of its outcome. So I hope everyone else feels the same about themselves as well.

Music as always came to the rescue! I heard this song on the same day that my scapegoat drama blossomed and after processing and looking for clarity one thing is for sure. I am not wasting one moment on someone else's journey of discovery. I am not interested in engaging in blame games when I have my own life to manage. Do you boo.

Thank you Fantasia for this great Anthem at a time when other people's energy is invading my space

No Time for It!

"you feel some type of way

 she got s*** to say

 they gon' say some things that don't do nothing

 but remind me and if they're bringing up problems

 there's no time for it

 I don't care for gossip what they gonna say? "

What do you think, is it ever ok to place blame on someone else when things go wrong in your life? Do you feel that what someone else does needs to affect your life's outcome? Is it not up to us as individuals to access our own lives and make the choices that will bring about our own happiness? Does it make you weaker or stronger to give another power over your own journey?  Hummm so much to think about but what a great conversation to have with ourselves.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Are some APP's encouraging Cyber bullying?

Happy cloudy Sunday here for me in NYC. Spring is on its way I am holding on to that thought for sure but in the meantime in my radar of News...
Well not sure how much in the news this post I'm about to share is or has been but being that I watch Good Morning America as I get ready for work and my daughter loves the movie Mean Girls, this was a great topic of conversation the other morning.
I have only watched that movie once and it was upon the request of my sunshine. She wanted me to sit with her on a rerun of it some time ago.

I could take it or leave it but I got the message. A Burnbook is used in this movie as a way to write really ugly and "mean" rumors and comments about other girls, so to have an app named after it by CEO Jonathan Lucas and to actually have people who are using it says a lot about our society for sure.

illustration by bethallutherannet.

It doesn't take courage to sit and send out hateful messages anonymously. I doesn't take courage to pick on others if they have no idea who you are but it does take courage to stand up for things like this and put a stop to them.
How much of a coward are you to bully someone without identifying yourself? Would you not say the same thing in there face?

I remember the days of meet me after school and we will put an end to all this "beef". I remember the days when you told people off to their face and things went from there. Now we use our phones, our computers and even worse our parents guns.

Again who is teaching these kids that bullying is a right of passage? That it is ok to do it, that everyone does it? Who is teaching these kids that being a coward is cool?
My mother never encouraged fighting but she didn't raise me to back down either. She taught me to warn first and fight later. She taught me to use my words as a means to come to mutual understanding, not to bring someone down.
My mother taught me to make sure that if I said something I could back it up, in other words if you talk crap be prepared to get knocked on your A**.

These are the same lessons I taught my daughter. How to have character, how to resolve issues in a fair manner, how to defend herself if necessary at all times.
But how do we defend ourselves from those that are hiding? How do we continue to shine an even brighter light on this issue?

illustration by socialmediaexaminer.com

I say we can start at home and at an early age. Even a 3 year old can be a bully. When our children exhibit aggressive behavior let's address it. Everything is not funny or will be grown out of.
-Communication: constant show of examples about how using our words poorly reflects on us and hurts others. Constant talks and exchange of ideas, open lines to express ourselves respectfully.
-Monitoring: now I am not into monitoring per say but if I am paying for your phone etc...I do have the right to ask about the types of apps you have on there. We can surely hold discussions about what sort of material I expect you to stay away from. If you build early great lines of communication, there will be no need for monitoring.
-Consequences: if our children engage in poor behavior they should be held accountable. Of course apologizing would be great but words are empty if no loss is experienced. So take away privileges, have them volunteer in an activity or program in relation to their behavior. Stand your ground and let them know that differences should always be respected even if we don't agree.

If our kids are the ones on the other end and are being bullied, no matter how small it may seem, she doesn't like my shirt, he made fun of my haircut whatever, talk about it. Allow them to express their feelings and let your kids know you support and will stick up for them as best you can. Look into the matter, speak with the teachers, the parents etc...but say and do something.

I am including link to story and I am also sharing link to interesting Curt Schilling story and how he dealt with similar bully issues online with his daughter. Let's talk, tell me what you think.

gma.yahoo.com/critics-burnbook

foxnews.com/curt-schilling

Always stress free xo.

Speaking Love. How Does your love come across to others?

I always enjoy finding something in my inbox that makes me stop and review my current circumstances.

That piece of mail that connects me to an article or quote that brings reflection. Lately with my duties to my grandmother increasing I have found that my Meditation time has been cut and that reflects on my shortness of attention and some of the words coming out of my mouth.
I still meditate and I make sure I incorporate it some how along my day, sometimes several times a day. I just find that I truly need a longer sit down in order for my intent to be clear.
Clarity and Purpose are critical tools in dealing with people, especially loved ones.

I recently started following the lovely GG Renee over @ Allthemanylayers.com. I came across her through another lovely lady named Ivy over at Seebodyloveself.org.
You see I don't only follow and or read blogs on cooking, diy, fashion or parenting. I also read and or follow blogs in relation to self empowerment, health and healing.
That can mean different things to different people.

GG over at her page had a great thing going called #30layers30days and its a great exercise in connecting with yourself. In reading it I've find great motivation to remain on my path and not fall off due to emotions.
By this I mean the emotions my lack of connection with my blood relatives causes me.
She shared a great quote a few weeks ago that bought me to writing this post.

What did I take away from reading this?

I took away that in my family there is all types of love but that no one expresses it as I do. That we all may care but lack of communication makes it impossible to show. That sometimes loving people means keeping a distance so that you may keep your sanity and peace.
The language of love they speak is not nurturing. It does not come from a place of empowerment or comfort. It comes from a place of self doubt and chaos. It comes at arms length.

I don't understand that love because the language of love I speak in my home and with the family I have built for myself, it is seen, felt and heard every day.
There is no wondering, no doubt and no feeling as if the rug will be pulled out from under you at any moment.
The language is clear and with purpose. To lift , to support, to comfort, to bring peace.

My daughter and I had an exchange recently that ties into what this quote bought to me. It made me stop and think about how we have been talking. I commented we are two people and if the communication is poor it is on us to stop, take a look within ourselves and see where it is coming from. I said things along the line of I've been your mother for almost 20 years and when day comes our language is not on the same page then it's time to figure something else out.

Parenting, Motherhood, Relationships are all about "the language". Connections are all about intent. What you put in you will get back.
Be mindful of your expressions and be aware that "language" is not always just words.
Some people are not great at verbal expressions but their physical actions speak volumes. Learn how to listen even with your eyes, sometimes.
If the actions are just as clear as words would be than learn to be open to that but if the words are lacking just as much as the actions then it is time to refocus and start a conversation.

What language are you speaking? Is it clear to those you love? Are you on the same page?
Are you even speaking Love?

Always stress free xo.

Who needs a Cut Off Switch?

Good Morning, happy Sunday!

This is one of those topics I touch only because I am such a firm believer in communication, here we go...
-why is your child ignoring you in the first place?
-what is missing in your relationship that they would disrespect you that way?
-what message does that convey?
-did you not set house rules when you first handed it over?
-did your child not understand it was a privilege not a right to have one in the first place?

Enough of the suspense I am referring to a Cellphone.

I believe most kids by the age of 12 have one mine had a basic one at 9.

With all the after school activities, different schedules, family units etc...it has become a must have item for most of us.
But are we setting the proper rules and expectations before we cross this threshold?
Are we prepared for all that it brings and can we handle sticking to our guns without it causing major headaches?

As I commented above my daughter had a basic flip phone with text at the age of 9. No extra bells and whistles and not a major brand. It was a necessity, it was a means to communicate because she was riding the bus alone and in after school programs.
Rules were keep in book bag at all times, on vibrate and use to call only your parents or 911.
She could text and call but only when home with us.

As she got older the rules were adjusted, the phone and it's uses were upgraded.
We rarely had issues and I don't recall ever having to take it away. In H.S. I had to go to school twice because teachers took her phone away and odd enough she was texting me both times.

I always stress how blessed I have been to not have any trust issues with my daughter, never. When she says she is doing something or going somewhere that is what it is. I imagine the years of hearing me say how sorry she would be if she violated my trust and believing I meant and mean it were enough of a test.

So on the subject of Cellphone and its uses, same rules apply. Sexting, not answering my calls, ignoring my texts, inappropriate videos, unapproved downloads etc...have been non factors.
She has always been aware I can check up on her at any moment, I have chosen not to because I am not going to waste my time and she hasn't ever given me reason to. NOW, if ever I felt otherwise then that would be a different story.

I say all this to say that building trust is a priority with our children just like feeding them, potty training, reading and writing. It is a must requirement in order to have peace and order in your home and family.

illustration by shutter stock.com

This piece I saw on Good Morning America shed light on the question "where did things go wrong?"
It's about a mother who invented an app that cuts off your kids phone if they are ignoring your calls. What? Seriously?
Who would have thought?

Don't you think that if you have to begin to come up with these sort of things to somehow control your children that somewhere there is a hole in your connection? So much of today's energy is being invested into gadgets and apps to do the parenting for us and that is the biggest fail.
An app doesn't know your child, an app doesn't live in your house. Communication and Discipline that should be your tool. Actions have Consequences, that should be your go to.

Here's the link tell me what you think?
yahoo.com

Would you use this? Would you come up with something else or do you feel investing the time earlier on respect and trust will bring you great rewards later? Let's start a conversation.

Always stress free xo.

How are You?

This is a mini I want to say what is on my mind moment....

A pet peeve I have developed for some time now.

All due to this question...How are you?

Simple enough, right? Well not so simple if you are asked but then are cut off just as you are about to respond to the question.

I mean really?

I understand that people think it is being polite to ask but I believe unless you really want to know, unless you are prepared to listen to the response...just don't ask. Come up with something else to say or comment. Save everyone the trouble. That will be so polite.

I am not saying that we should all go into a monologue about our lives. That we should be investing x amount of time with everyone on a daily sharing what we are up too. What I am saying is...if you ask or are being asked then allow for a few minutes of proper exchange.

What got me to feel this way? Well I had (yes, past tense) a "friend" who without fail every time she would ask me this question would not allow me the proper time to respond. I would say something like "well things are good or coming along" and then she would get right back into her life and her goings on.
Another example is I was on a call once at my office, invested over seven(7) minutes with this person chatting up about his wife, kids and so forth then he asks "so how are you?" and just as I was about to respond he says "oh can you put so and so on the phone?" I mean geez, really you couldn't play it off and wait till I at least said "doing well or doing ok?"

How are you is a great question in which we can practice listening.
This pet peeve resurfaces just in time for back to school and end of summer.
As parents communication with our kids and taking the time to actually listen to their day is very important. It is the time in which our bonds can grow stronger and we let our kids know, hey we are here for you we care.
So slow down, next time the question comes up either with you or someone else, take the time to really listen and focus on those few moments with that person.

Mindful behavior. Things I think about.
What do you have to say?

Always stress free xo

Where did my Baby go?

We often find ourselves saying "time flies".

We often say as parents "my baby is all grown up now".

But exactly when that moment will be, when it truly hits you and stops you in your tracks you never know and you have no idea what your emotions will be.

That was the case a few days ago for me.

As my blog friends know I have a 19 year old daughter. She hasn't been a baby for quite sometime now but regardless of "time" she will always be my baby.
Next week she will start her 2nd year in college, what?!!!

The other night we were talking as usual, a friend of mine was also over and we were all in deep conversation. I can't say for certain what word she said or what the topic even was but I just stopped and looked at her and my eyes began to water.
I said "Wow, you really are all grown up. I can't believe it. I really no longer have a baby." "I knew the time was coming and I have been noticing it for a while but it just really hit me and I am feeling really emotional right now."
She says "Yeah mami, I am going to be 20 years old soon but don't worry I am not going anywhere any time soon I will be around for a little while longer." Then we hug and I bite her cheeks, something I have done since she was born.

I turn and look at my friend and comment about how strange it is to see another "adult" next to you and realize it is your child. My friend said yeah it really is, I had the same emotions a few days ago when my son was visiting with me.

My "baby" as I knew her is officially gone and as I said its been coming for a while now but one thing that isn't gone is the bond that we have built.
The mutual respect, support and friendship we have cultivated and all the seeds that are still growing from all those talks in the car when I dropped her off at school, all the bedtime stories, all the bath time chats, all the "special topics" at the dinner table.
My job for the most part is done. Now I get to sit back and see my years of talks, rules, negotiations, smiles, tears, laughter, parent teacher meets, play date drop offs, birthday party plannings, Disney trips, proms and graduations (at least 1 more coming though) all come together in this 1 beautiful, strong, intelligent, kind, giving, brilliant, independent young women I call my daughter, Erica.

That watery eye moment was bittersweet, I got teary because I love my child as most parents do. I got emotional because at that moment I was so grateful to have for the most part been in the moment of just about every moment in my child's life.
I didn't allow work, career, bills, drama, stress or any other "life" events get in the way of my "time" with my Lil mama.
Nothing is more valuable than what you invest in your children. No amount of money buys the memories they carry with them throughout their own adult life.
I already see and reap the rewards of my investment. I already enjoy the riches of these past 19 years.

~Communication
~Respect
~Love
~Support

I can never stress and will never stop stressing enough just the priceless value of communication above all else with our children. Communication done properly will open all the doors to endless possibilities in your parenting journey. What is proper communication? Listening with open mind, remembering you were young once too, setting reasonable rules and goals, respecting your child as an individual. We don't own them, we guide them into becoming who they are meant to be.

The picture share are a taste of the sort of notes I have received over the years. One being a snap shot of a recent text message exchange Lil mama and I had.

Always stress free xo

Back to School Conversations

Another school year is upon us.

Some of us will be letting go of our babies for the very first time, some of us will be advancing to another grade in our journeys and some of us will be crossing major milestones.
Whichever step it is we are in, they are life changers for all involved, they are character builders and a time for our parenting skills to be tested.

As I sit and talk with my own daughter and as I interact with the other babies in my life I started to think about what sort of conversations should we as parents be having in general but especially around this time of year.
I say I have many babies because not only do I have one biological daughter but many of her own friends and my own friends kids treat and see me as a second mommy.

My tool for building this trust as I always share is communication. I am a talker and I do know how to listen as if I was at their level. I still haven't forgotten I was younger once too.

So...what should we be saying this lovely start of a new school year?

These are the conversation topics I came up with:

~Mommy and Daddy are very proud of you. You are growing up and we are excited to support you in this new adventure. We will always be here for you and you are enough just the way you are.
~Not everyone will be your friend but that is ok because you should always surround yourself with people who will be nice, kind and helpful.
~Mommy (or Daddy) won't forget to pick you up, I will be right outside that door when the bell rings.
~Never be afraid to stand up for what is right, if you are uncomfortable about something speak up. Even teachers should be questioned. We are here to protect you and stand up for you always.
~No one has the right to touch you...EVER.
~Being part of the "crowd" is not your goal. Your goal is to be a leader in your own right. You are worthy of that respect.
~Being a leader does not mean be a bully. It means to learn to work with others while being true to yourself.
~Please and Thank You can go a long way.
~It's ok to cry if you get hurt or are upset about something in school. But it is very important to learn to explain and express yourself with words. Mommy and or your teacher can't understand you if you are screaming.
~Remember to ask to go to the Potty. You wouldn't want to have an accident in school but if you do we will get through it. Have change of clothes in the little ones bag...Always.
~Remember that you are a reflection of me, of us and our home so I expect you to behave accordingly.
~Don't be afraid to try new things. A new sport, a new club, talk to a new student etc...Test yourself and see what you are made of.
~This is what I expect from you this school year...be clear on your expectations and be fair. Set the rules and watch them put things into play. If they fail punish accordingly but with love and always open communication.
~A new school can be scary yes and making new friends can be too but this is a great time for you to expand your wings and add new people to your circle.
~Be clear on your definitions of Boyfriend and Girlfriend. Trust it is not the same as our kids.
~Tweak your curfew times with age as well as chores and your conversation topics should be expanding as well.
~I am here to support you I am not here to do things for you. Stay on top of your homework and other social activities.
~If you can't find balance between school and social then your social will have to be put on hold.
~Cellphones, cars, sleepovers and so forth are privileges. They can and will be taken away if rules are not followed.
~Let's be clear on our rules. They will not be changed on the spot. So if I said no makeup until your 16 I mean and meant it. Don't ask me again.
~High School and College prep are your responsibilities, plan out what it will require and you will be assisted accordingly. Set a budget for school tours, exam fees etc...
~I am your parent. I don't care what so and so parents do in their home. Don't ever compare us or disrespect us.

I can go on and on but these can surely start you talking. Lastly but not at all less important or valid is...
~Have fun!!! Don't sweat the small stuff you are only this young once. Have an awesome school year!!!

What are some of your school year conversation topics? Do you have any specific ones or do you wing it as things come along?

Always stress free xo

Bad Parenting

There I said it.

Most people think it, we all have seen it and now I will comment on it.

Granted there are endless methods of parenting and really who is to say which is best, what is right or wrong but I believe we can all agree that certain things are just not a good idea.

Nothing good can come from:
-over indulgence
-lack of stability
-no set of rules
-lack of consequences
-no sense of responsibility
-lack of compassion
-sense of entitlement
-not being taught how to give back
-lack of manners

These are my thoughts, what do you think? Are any of the things listed above actually positive and can be considered a benefit? Can they work in a Parenting sense? Will they allow for a stress free family life?

Always stress free xo

Shattered Images

One of the things that come along with the package of parenting is the handling of disappointment.

Life brings us many, some more than others but I am referring to events or people that disappoint our children.

The sooner in our parenting journey we accept we CAN NOT protect our children from everything, the sooner we will invest that energy instead on how to show support and love when those moments do come.

No matter what age or gender at some point your child will be disappointed by someone or something. The something can be handled much quicker and more easily, but the SOMEONE...not so much.

It's only as we grow that we realize no one is perfect. It's only as we grow that we can either accept people for who they are or walk away. Children, Toddlers and Babies can't understand the concept of acceptance or walking away until they are much older. Therefore it is our responsibility to help them as they grow to understand failure, humanity, humility, respect, acceptance and peace.

Failure-sometimes people try to do their best, but their best isn't good enough.
Humanity-to be human is to act at times in ways that are hurtful and selfish and we must be aware that it may not have anything to do with us, but instead with the way that other person views themselves.
Humility-not many people are carriers of this trait and we must not allow their boisterous actions to extinguish our flame.
Respect-is earned, never just given, demanded or assumed.
Acceptance-sometimes people are just not as invested in you or your well being as you may be in them. Once you become aware of that your options are greater and the hurt becomes less.
Peace-when you take the time to gather all the information, put all the pieces together and come away with clarity you will have gained the peace to move forward and away from that which hurt and or disappointed you.

It will never be easy to see our children in discomfort but it will surely be worse if they are not prepared for it. Life sometimes brings lessons we wish we never had to learn. Shattered images of those we hold dear is one such lesson.

No such thing as perfection, don't put people up on a pedestal and sometimes there are just people out there that are not very nice.

So, as we accept we can't provide protection from all let's start getting ready to hold those hands, provide a shoulder, lend an ear, give plenty of hugs and kisses and tell them how much we love them and are blessed to have them in our lives.

Fathers and Daughters

I am my father's only daughter. I have three brothers. My father tried to teach his very stubborn daughter to take things easy and to be nice and respectful and to listen.

My father tried to teach his very stubborn daughter patience. My father tried to teach his very stubborn daughter that her mom was just trying to do her best.

Looking back now it must have been a very difficult thing to do when you are dealing with a teenager that thinks they know it all. It could not have been easy for him to try to get through to me but he never stopped.

I have my father's complexion, his smile, his hair and when I stop and look at times even his mannerisms.
It is so funny how true the comments about Mothers and Sons and Fathers and Daughters can be.

Today I appreciate his words and his time and his smile. Today I appreciate all those great meals he cooked for me and all those great breakfast drinks he use to make from fresh fruits. Today I appreciate all those great talks, while I sat around and visited with him at his job.

In my home there is a phrase and its called "being a Fermin". It is my ex's family name. It is used whenever a gesture, action, comment or approach is taken. It has been said for the past almost nineteen (19) years. My daughter is her father's child in every sense of the word.
From the tips of her toes to the top of her head. From her words, to her interest, to her approach on life.

The reality of it is I wouldn't have it any other way because "being a Fermin" is pretty darn great!!

For all of us who have had great father moments and have great father memories, this is a sweet post.
For those of us who have not it can be sad or upsetting. I don't want it to be just one or the other. I want it to be a chance to perhaps build these moments with that special man whom you have always admired, whom you have fallen in love with and envision having children with if this is your second time around or have your significant other already be building these moments or bring it to his attention.
Remember, family is what you make it. It is not always about blood relation.

Sometimes not enough praise is expressed when it comes to fathers. I know quite a few who are doing amazing jobs with their girls and their boys. Whether single, separated, married, or divorced I appreciate the awesome things they do every day.

So here is a Thank You to you! Hope you enjoy xoxo

http://www.fromdatestodiapers.com/50-rules-for-dads-of-daughters

Stop pointing your finger

This is not an easy subject to tackle or even one that many like to touch upon or discuss.

As always I never shy away from real life or from any opportunity to have a teaching moment with my daughter.
She is close to turning nineteen (19) years old now and entering a new stage in her life. We have been blessed to have always been able to discuss any and all topics, nothing is off limits...nothing. As I have shared in the past I never set a specific age or time to discuss any particular matter. We just talked as things came up. That was something her father and I believed in strongly from day one.

This particular subject is nothing we haven't discussed in the past either because it came up in our lives through family or friends or because we or she saw or heard something in regards to it via television or other form of media.

The subject matter is Cheating.

I am going to start this by saying ...No one can wreck something that isn't already Broken.
No one comes in and wrecks anything that already didn't have cracks.
With that you can chose to continue to read or delete this post all together.

Ok so if you are still here and I have your attention, let us talk for a moment.
Some time ago while having breakfast, my daughter and I sat and watched a segment on Good Morning America that had women on discussing a website dedicated to so called exposing women who engage in cheating.

It's a site where wives blast the so called other women, who destroyed their home. Really?
So let me see, your house was running just fine. You and your significant other had this amazing connection. The kids are doing well, work and the house are in order, your sex life is for filling.You help one another be the best version of yourselves and instill that in your family. Your communication skills were on point, your goals were clear and being met and you were peaceful in your spirit.
You invested a significant amount of time with one another outside of the children, you led fulfilling lives outside of one another, you were supportive and respectful and so called best friends. Then one day your wonderful husband ran into this "other woman" and she just "took" him away? You don't know how, heck he doesn't even know but just like that she snatched your "prize" up.

Seriously, there is something very wrong with your story.

First things first, women need to stop blaming the other woman and hold their partners accountable.
Women need to stop being so catty.
Second, women need to have a little bit more self worth, respect and value.
Fighting for a man? Blaming someone else, taking him back and then blasting your business on a website?

This is not about making excuses or condoning poor behavior. This is about accountability. It is about more than just one thing or one person. Doing that would just be taking the easy way out. It would be hypocritical to assign ourselves judge and jury of someone else's personal life and home.

Relationships are very complicated and breakdowns begin to happen for many reasons. It would be a shame for me to teach my daughter to blame others when things go wrong. It would be poor of me to teach my daughter also to stick around when things are just not working.
Everyone deserves respect, support and love.

If in your relationship you are no longer connected, your goals are no longer the same and your emotions are more lows than highs...it is time for a conversation. Don't allow what began as a fairy tale (what some women dream of) to end in a horror show.

I have personal experience in knowing when it is time to let go. I can say I am grateful it was not connected to cheating but it was connected to being disconnected.
I ended my relationship with my daughter's father after eighteen (18) years. It was sad, it was surreal, it was an adjustment but it was what I knew was the right thing to do. I loved him enough not to ever disrespect our union, our family, our daughter. We ended peacefully and lovingly.
My daughter has amazing memories of a life lived with two (2) parents that truly loved and respected one another till the end.

That is what we discuss, that is what I have taught and continue to teach.

Build a strong relation, respectful, supportive, kind and full of communication. Be true to yourself at all times. Never engage in disrespectful behavior to get your so called point across. Be accountable at all cost.
When something no longer works its time to close that door and open a new one.

Let's start a conversation always three sides to every story his, hers and the truth.

“Stop pointing fingers and placing blame on others. Your life can only change to the degree that you accept responsibility for it.” Steve Maraboli