Another one Bites the dust

Hello lovelies I want to share another page out of my Friendship playbook but before I do that I wanted to bring you up to speed on recent events and the life lessons I took away.

illustration by miniplex.com

Updates on Baby #2, dear ole grandma:
-she's doing great we got over the rough patch of sleep deprivation. Combination of medications, home remedies, lots of research and talks with her doctor plus help from her home attendants helped us get to a place everyone is happy with. She's cheery and pleasant to be around so I am grateful for that much.

 Updates on Dating:
-since baby #2 was causing me some stress over the summer I didn't go out as often as I would have liked when it came to a lot of adult socializing but I still got in a few nice treats. One was a Bar/Lounge type of setting with live acts and on this particular night we caught George Lamond a favorite Freestyle music artist of mine. We had an amazing time great mix of talking, laughing, dancing and getting to know one another. Not too formal, not to casual very relaxing and friendly vibe. I'll keep his number wink wink.

Updates on being the mom of a 20 year old:
-I will just say I am soooooo glad I put in the effort to build strong communication skills, mutual respect and independence because every conversation with this mini me, mini her father and all around fire ball is eye opening and full of laughter. Of course I have moments I say dear God did she just say that but I see in front of me a well prepared individual who I am glad we allowed to test her free spirit and curiosity. My fearless baby, I am so proud of you.

illustration by inspireleads.com

Which brings me to...
Updates on Friendships:
-Another one Bites the dust but as usual it wasn't a surprise. I saw it for a while now I just thought I'd watch how it would play itself out. We don't form friendships to run a tally on who has done what but all relationships require expectations. Everything in life comes with expectations. I've shared in the past how one of my requirements is investing time with those I care about. Yes our gadgets are fun and come in handy as do our social media sites but nothing beats an actual conversation and Face time. My loyalty is endless, it comes with my quirks but if I'm your friend I'm your friend. So when I sat and thought about this connection I wasn't feeling the love and here's why...
1-forgot my Birth Day 3 years in a row
2-every time I've arranged a meet date for dinner it's been cancelled
3-getting together to acknowledge certain special events have been neglected
4-family gatherings have been shrugged off
5-the text exchanges are pretty much one sided as are the very few and far between phone calls
6-haven't felt or seen any support of my ventures and projects but from my side I have managed to be supportive in one way or another of all my friend's interest

illustration by wordbypicture.com

These are just a few valid points for me I think and I will stop here. I don't want to diminish what we had but I don't think it needs to continue any further at least not under the umbrella of Friendship. Forgetting a Birth day one year is forgivable because we all have tons of stuff going on and it can happen but you can always enter it into your calendar with an alert for next year but 3 years! It just tells me I'm not important to you. Not making the time to meet no matter what the occasion time after time also indicates lack of interest. We all have value and if those closest to you don't give you any that speaks volumes.

I am not bitter we had some great times and our connection served its purpose now its time to spread our wings and move on. I wish you well and hope we can both walk away having learned something.

The life lessons I have taken away from these recent events are...
-change happens no matter how hard you try to hold on to things or control the outcomes. It is when you let go that things can come together.
-a square will never fit into a circle, stop pushing the issue. Take a deep breath, walk away and come back later and revisit the topic.
-our children teach us just as much or perhaps even more than we have taught them
-no matter what is going on you need to take a break. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
-nothing last Forever. If you don't experience sadness and disappointment you can't appreciate the smiles and joys of Life.
-stay young at heart, always!. Your quality of life depends on it.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Friendships do End and it's totally Ok

It's always funny to me how my Salon visits fill me with such peace and clarity. As I sit here in the dryer people watching, mini napping I find myself going back in my thoughts to the changes I've gone through in these past few years.

Today my thoughts fell on Friendships and the frailty of such bonds. As I watch these women chatter and smile and laugh I wonder how many of them truly have an investment in one another?

It bought me back to the time I ended what I thought were three great friendships. I won't get specific in names, everyone deserves their privacy and everyone has their side of the story. They say there are three...yours, theirs and the truth. Today I thought about my side.

illustration by quotesinfinite.com

I find that in describing myself one adjective would be Loyal. I don't take relationships lightly. I trust from go until you prove otherwise and then we have a problem. My circle of friends is small has always been small and has gotten smaller over the years. 

These three friends I said goodbye to I have known since my teenage years. Those years where you are really starting to develop a sense of self and direction or at least we hope. It isn't until we are clear about things that we notice when things are wrong and for how long they have been off balance. 

In these relationships I saw many things, shared many years, experienced many changes but it wasn't until I needed love, support and more personal exchanges that I saw the one sided aspect of things. It wasn't until my chips were down, when I found myself in need of a hug, a shoulder, an ear, a kind word, a lets grab a coffee or I'm coming over that all I heard was silence and saw emptiness. 

These "friends" were quick to send invites to their activities or to use up 45 minutes of an hour conversation on themselves then allow me the courtesy of the last 15 if that. They were quick to say come over, join me here, I need this, support me on that but when tables were turned they were "busy" somehow. Yes some of our years where filled with loads of laughter I am not going to deny that but I know now what I didn't know then and that is that at the end of the day those connections were all about them. Not us as a unit, not us growing, adding or building but them and their immediate needs.

illustration by pinterest.com

Valuing someone you love never stops. Investing in relationships brings great rewards but if you don't there is no growth. When I finally decided to "talk" about things the responses I got were shocking. They revealed that as valuable as they were to me I had little to no value to them. 

I learned the following:
Balance- every thing requires balance. It isn't a competition of who did more but if there is no balance there is no peace. There is no growth,

Respect- if you take people's company for granted, if you assume they will always be around you are not showing them respect. Cherishing those you love, showing it and honoring their existence that is respect.

Time- it doesn't take a lot of time to let someone know you are thinking of them, miss them etc...Today we have many many ways to stay in touch and have had these options for quiet some time now so if you can't seem to find one...you really aren't trying. Everyone's time is valuable, don't waste yours on someone who doesn't value you.

Energy- life is energy. Every action we take requires energy and the type of energy you put in is what you will get out. If a friendship is only good sometimes, seasonal or once a year, what energy is that requiring? Do you not tend to your garden? Do your other relationships not require you to be present? Why is a Friendship any different?

I still have love for these people, I hold no grudges. I respect our memories and we had some great times but I also made peace that our seasons together came to an end. I am grateful that through those losses I gained a greater respect, love and bond with those that truly see value in me and I in them.

illustration by stylopics.com

So really I guess as my hair is just about dried that I really didn't lose anything after all. When you learn from something there really is no loss. What say you? Do you have people in your life its time to let go of? Have you been the one to take a friend for granted? Are you the one in need of a shoulder and your "friends" can't seem to find the time? Let's chat!

Always stress free xo.

We were Best Friends until we Weren't

Through thick and thin!

Your the Ying to my Yang

We've been together since we were in diapers. 

These are some of many statements used in Friendships. 

Those bonds we form throughout our lives that we think will last forever.

Connecting with that one person or several persons that really get us, accept us, love us. 

We share laughs, secrets, heartaches, clothes.

We go to school together, play sports together, go on vacations and maybe even double dates.

We grow our personal relationships around them, we share break ups and reconnects and break ups and new loves.

We buy cars, build homes and even get married or move in with our partners as our years together evolve. 

But what no one can foresee and many of us don't expect is the change that awaits us when Baby comes along.

Of course we are happy, over joyed, excited, pleased.

Of course we imagine and look forward to being called Auntie or Uncle. 

Of course in our minds we see baby showers, parks, birthdays, first steps, baby teeth etc...

What we don't see is the reality of time. 

The reality of change.

The reality of pending shift of priorities. 

It isn't rude or an assumption that friendships do change or shift slightly once we become parents. If we say that isn't true then we are not being truthful. 

We are not being genuine. 

Everything changes when Baby comes. 

Now why, how, what, and where is left up in the air for each individual to figure out. 

Why

You would think it is obvious but until another human being relies on you why is not clear. It is one of those things you try to plan and prepare for but can't really grasp its magnitude until you are in that moment. You are no longer able to pick up and go, life is no longer just about you that is Why.

How

You now start to shift your focus on building your family, keeping your child safe, preparing yourself to become a nurturer, care giver, doctor, teacher. No longer are the late night chats or picking up your bag and walking out the door even an issue you think about.
What restaurant is the latest must try is the last thing on your mind. You are now concerned that your time is managed properly that is How.

What 

Your sleeping habits, your eating habits, your financial needs and wants, your body, your partners thoughts about your body, the time you have for yourself, the time you spend outside your home, the activities you do, the new people you start to connect with, who you call, when you call, the topics you talk about these are some of the What.

Where

Things in your home, things at work, your connections with people, how you allocate your priorities, your mind, the car you may drive, the places you may visit these are some of the Where.

Can we do anything about this? Is this just an exaggeration? Are new parents the only ones affected or does this carry on as the kids grow older?

I can share from first hand experience that yes we can to some degree, that no it is not an exaggeration, that no new parents aren't the only ones affected it is just a major change for everyone that first year and that things will continue to shift as your child gets older.

I experienced this with several of my H.S. friends. We use to do just about everything together then slowly but surely as each one of us had our babies the shift began to take over.
The most crucial change for me though was with my bestie Cynthia. I have written about her in the past.
We were friends since 2nd grade. So to say our lives changed and we had some tough hills to cross over is an understatement.

When I shared I was expecting she couldn't wait to start shopping and planning. As my belly grew she also grew with more excitement and anticipation. She would be Titi Cindy or Titi Cyn and if I had a boy because she loved boys she had all the outfits and haircuts planned out for at least the first five years. If it was a girl the outfits were planned and the accessories were already ordered.
This was a great time, lots of laughs lots of fun.

Fast forward 8 or 9 months after my daughter was born and she thought I would be roaring to go back into the club scene or looking forward to late nights with the girls and I was perfectly happy with Brunch dates, shopping dates, calls, visits or strolls that the laughter stopped and the tension started.
It wasn't like I didn't try to compromise or she didn't try to understand, we both tried but it is just not the same when one has a child and the other one doesn't.

So, unfortunately as time continued to pass we grew apart and stopped speaking to one another. The attempts at light conversations or get together grew uneasy and we both just let go.
It was an adjustment but I had my Lil mama now and that was were my focus went.

Almost 3 years passed and I often wondered about her and her family, one day I was in her old neighborhood visiting my Grandmother with my daughter and I decided to reach out to her.
I told my daughter we were going to visit an old friend, we walked to her block, rang her doorbell and walked up the stairs.
To my surprise she had a child of her own, a boy, the son she had always wanted. Our light conversation turned into a dinner and our dinner turned into a late night sitting on the couch yapping away while the kids played together in the room.
From that day on we were together and closer than ever till her passing almost 7 years ago.

One of the touching moments of that day was her admission to lack of understand of how my life had changed the day my daughter was born and how it wasn't till she herself had her son that she could grasp the shift.
It was a great relief indeed and a great point of connection.
I am so grateful I took that walk to her door, I took that chance even if it was 3 years later because it allowed me to share many great years and moments with her and my nephew.

It has allowed me to have no regrets about our friendship.

Parenting is such an awesome journey for those who choose it, I always say. It is when we must learn to blend and balance things around it, that our journey can have some rough spots.

Have you had similar issues in your connections? How have you navigated the changes baby made in your lives? Share your stories, would love to hear how you have dealt with things.

Always stress free xo

Cynthia

In her transition I learned how to live.

This post is in honor of one of the strongest females I have ever known. She was by far someone I was learning from in our union but didn't really know it until she was gone.

This is my friend, my sister, my inspiration and my motivation. She was the end for my new beginning.

Meet Cynthia, we were friends since the second grade. We couldn't be more different yet somehow it worked. She was Puerto Rican I am Dominican. She was light skin, short with Hazel eyes, I am slightly taller, dark Brown eyes and caramel skin . She was an A student all the time, I coasted on B's mostly and sprinkled an A here and there if I liked the teacher and the class. She hardly spoke Spanish, I don't ever recall not knowing anything but both English and Spanish. She loved to cook, I love to eat. She wasn't very friendly off the bat, first impressions were her thing and if you didn't meet her standards you were left out of the loop, I am very friendly, very chatty, very guarded yet open I am ok with flaws. She was not into showing affection, being as she called too clingy with her loved ones but if she loved you , you somehow knew it, I am all about showing affection and being clingy (in a good way) and I am very vocal and expressive in my love.

These are just a few of the many many things we were just not on the same page about in our over thirty six (36) year journey together. The one thing we did agree on all the time was we always had something to say about everything.

Cynthia was always sick with one thing or another. The usual colds and stomach problems as a kid, nothing you would ever think twice about. In our H.S. years it just became worse. Days where she would have a tough time keeping anything she ate down, we would laugh about it and it became a joke. Lets see how long you last before we have to rush you to a bathroom. We picked the places we ate or the activities we did always with the thought that a bathroom had to be close by or how far we were from the house. She would comment about her bones hurting, her joints etc...we called her the old lady sometimes. If you hugged her to tight or squeezed her arms she would complain of pain. We would make jokes about how all this was going to affect her love life.

Our Senior year was the worst. Her issues became more frequent and her symptoms began to evolve. She began to get tested for all sorts of things and at one point we had possible diagnosis of Leukemia. I remember her family starting talks on possible bone marrow matches. Talking to the aunts, uncles and cousins. I remember going with her to her doctors office and sitting there as he explained the procedure. How she would have to lay face down while they inserted a needle into her bone to remove liquid so it can be tested. The side affects, the discomfort, possible results, treatments and the list went on. We both sat quietly together for the first time ever.

Well test were run, life went on we lived our daily lives and doctors said it wasn't Leukemia. We graduated, we went on to become young adults in the work force. We went from single females, to couples, to committed relationships, to motherhood. I became a mother first so that shifted our connection for a while. Sometimes your friends can't get use to you having different set of priorities once you become a parent and it can be a friendship tester.

We regrouped and came together at a point were she was now a mom herself. Aside from that, she had by now been diagnosed with Crohn's disease. This is an inflammatory bowel disease, which explained all those years of her stomach issues. It can be due to genetics, environmental or immune issues research is still not certain.
She would bruise easily as well so often you would see black and blue marks on her arms or legs and cringe because they looked so painful.

Her health was poor and our activities were limited. Even going to the park with the kids at times was a challenge. Her strength came in spurts, some days she was fast moving others she couldn't get out of bed. Thank god her partner was helpful because by then her parents had retired to Puerto Rico.

Things went on like this for a little while longer until it became apparent she was getting worse and she made the decision to move to Puerto Rico with her son. She would live with her parents until she got settled and was able to move out on her own.

That never happened she only became worse, doctors through in the mix...Cancer. I think that is what turned a switch in her mind that said "I can't do this for much longer".
Towards the end she spent most of her time in bed, she really didn't want to be seen or see anyone. We spoke on the phone daily and emailed all day long.

We spoke about different treatments and her returning back to New York but I believe she did that more for us than for herself. I believe she was tired and didn't want to live the life she was living.
Cynthia was fiercely independent, very attractive and vibrant. The fact her mother had to care for her on a daily and that she couldn't be a "mother" in the full sense of the word took its toll on her. She would cry I would cry we would cry together.

We spoke about the irony that in our teens she had once commented she would die young. That in spite of our plans to age gracefully together, me still helping her to put on her red lipstick, that plan may and would never be. We discussed forgiveness and peace and continued existence. We spoke about wishes and regrets and purpose. We laughed and loved and reminisced.

I was aware of her concerns and her wishes and I made sure to be very vocal about them to everyone involved. I was determined to show the strength she couldn't as best I could.
I promised I would do the best I could to bring her parents comfort and to keep her memory alive in her son. I promised I would always talk to him about the mother he really never got to see.

In October of 2007 I got a call from her sister that she wasn't doing very well and doctors weren't sure how much longer she could hang on. I called her up said we were coming, not to worry. Our friend Ramon and I flew down to be with her and her family. She was in the hospital. I hadn't seen my dearest friend in a while and to see her so helpless and fragile in a bed was heartbreaking but I did it. We joked immediately and hugged and I fixed her lipstick and helped her in and out of bed. At one point I took her to the bathroom and while we were in there I joked how we were still doing this after so many years.

We were there for the weekend, on the nights we'd come home from the hospital Ramon and I would sit in the porch and talk. We knew things were changing. That Sunday we visited her before we headed to the airport. She was barely awake but she knew we were there. We hugged, kissed, laughed, cried.
As I hugged her for what would be the last time I said "I love you, everything will be ok. If you need to let go its ok. They will be fine. If you are hurting and can't take no more its ok. I love you." She said she loved me too and fell back asleep.

On the ride to the airport Ramon and I were very peaceful. As we waited to board we spoke on what this moment meant and how we didn't want to come back to bury our friend but that we knew we would. I told Ramon at that moment I would never sweat the small stuff ever again. I would live my life.

We returned to NYC two (2) very different people than the ones who had left.

On the morning of January 31st, 2008 I spoke to my friend, she could barely speak, her voice was faint and she sounded tired. I asked her if she wasn't feeling well she said yes. Her mom got on the phone and said they were calling an ambulance and taking her back to the hospital. I said ok and asked her to put the phone next to Cynthia, then I said I love you its ok, everything will be ok.
As I hung up I knew that would be the last I spoke to my friend.

She made her transition on the way to the hospital. Her sister called me later in the afternoon, I made some calls. Booked the flights for Ramon and myself, drove my daughter to my mother's came back home packed a small over night bag.
Next morning in slow motion we moved, I changed into my funeral clothing in the airport bathroom.
We got to the funeral parlor and immediately I was complaining about everything. Nothing was as she would have wanted but it was what it was.

We drove in the procession but I don't remember anything except anger at her wishes not being met, especially fact they did not use red lipstick.
I watched the white casket being lowered, her son drop a rose, then men making adjustments because she was being placed in family plot so they had to seal her in with cement blocks. I looked on with very little tears. This was a movie, for sure.

We came home the next day. Life went on. I wrapped up my relationship after eighteen (18) years together. Knowing we weren't living true to ourselves. We weren't growing and that was not acceptable to me, anymore.
I started at zero. I began to live.

Mourning the loss of someone or something comes in different stages and you don't know or even can imagine what loss feels like until you have experienced it. Trust me, period. Saying oh I can imagine it, doesn't cut it.

I didn't cry for Cynthia until September 5th, 2008 as I watched Sheryl Crow sing in the Stand up for Cancer special. My daughter sat next to me as I cried a river of tears, felt like never ending. I couldn't catch my breathe I couldn't move, I just cried. My friend, my sister, the strongest woman I knew was really gone. I would never hear her voice again. She would never call me Moon face, again. She would never wear red lipstick, again.

I don't want to sit in the sadness of my loss. She would be very upset at me and let me know it too. I speak to her all the time and these past six (6) years have been amazing for me. Full of love, growth, blessings, loss, fearlessness, lessons and Living.

I love you Cyn, thank you for all you added to my life and my journey. Thank you for the laughs, all those great meals, the decorating ideas, all the boy talks, all the hugs and kisses. Thanks for christening my baby girl, your apple head. We love you and miss you and Live our lives in honor of you.