In Relationships, what matters most Stability or Potential?

The topic of Love and building relationships keeps coming up lately in a lot of my social groups. Most recently last night at a Divine Release Party I attend. More on that at another time. But things were bought up in reference to what is being looked for, accepted of and expected of. This pushed me into tackling the all important question...in building a long term relationship do we focus on Stability or Potential?

I recently took part in a great conversation with two beautiful women in two different age groups I made three. We were catching up on our latest goings on and dating came up. One just recently started talking to an old college friend. The other is dating two people everything is out in the open and I'm low key dating here and there but nothing serious.

The talking to first date went well she shared. Lots of conversation and clarity and the focus is on getting to know one another and sex is off the table because one party is practicing celibacy until right person comes along. Things look promising but doesn't want to rush and get her hopes too high. This person is a little scattered , knows what he wants but just hasn't grabbed hold of it yet. Talking to is willing to see how things play out.

illustration by refe99.com

Dating two people is feeling uneasy. Things are starting to develope and more feelings are getting involved. She's starting to see it's time to make a decision. Her decision is does she go with the person who is stable, has things going for them already and isn't too emotional or does she go with the one who shows great potential, is kind, loving and considerate?

Me...talking to/dating lots of potential. Mostly clear and going in the right direction great chemistry, lots of fun very loving but the timing might be off.

So put all those things together and the discussion was bound to be eye opening and educational.

We all agreed that clarity was a most. We also agreed that communication from the start was and would be crucial to any positive outcome and we also agreed that no one has the energy to invest their time only to feel like it had been wasted later on.

What we disagreed on was the level of Potential we were willing to invest our time and energy on. Seeing potential, showing potential and working with the potential presented to us.

Oddly enough the youngest in the group said she had no more time to waste on potential, she couldn't build or bank on something that wasn't tangible any time soon. The second oldest said she wasn't to keen on this whole potential thing playing out for too long either and I was more easy going on it.

illustration by jimmymccarty

I played devil's advocate and pleaded a case on behalf of Potential. How great it could be to watch someone grow into their greatness and be part of that journey. How sometimes we have to give great things time to develope, they weren't having it. I shared my relationship experiences with them and they reminded me that because that was my experience in the past at this stage in my life Potential would be a total waste of time.

I hate to admit it but I sort of agree with them. I'm totally against even connecting with a someone who is trying to figure themselves out but more and more I'm also not to interested in investing much of my time on Potential. I feel because I am so clear on the path I want to walk on that building with a person on their Potential path might slow me down.

I'm thinking there is an age limit on this Stability vs Potential relationship building? What do you think? Would you consider implementing a time limit if you did choose Potential or is Stability the only way to go? Share your thoughts. I'd love to know what you think and for you to share examples of how to deal with this issue in my dating journey.

illustration by picturequotes.com

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Does hearing "I'm a Package Deal" cause automatic Warning signs?

illustration by photonoodle.net

Happy Sunday I got up pretty early today I might add even surprised myself. I invested some time with my plants then revamped my bedroom closets and finished with sitting down to have some breakfast while I looked through some drafts and decided to go with this one today. Why I chose this topic is interesting because it actually came up in a conversation I had last night over dinner with a friend. I've had my perspectives for a while but listing to someone else who is dealing with dating while parenting lit the match I needed to share my thoughts. I am off to enjoy the rest of my sunny day happy read .


What's the right way or wrong way to handle ABC, seems to always be the focus on social media. Everyone has an opinion and not just an opinion but the "right" to post it and claim it as "truth" as an expert opinion. But who better to decide what is best for you or what works for you than...You?
As I mature I grow less and less comfortable with labels. I find them stifling to growth and development and I find they cause more separation than unity. I will admit that I too have been guilty of falling for that putting people under a certain label myself. Luckily I have a wonderful daughter who is teaching me better.

Because I have her and I am no longer with her father I happen to fall under the label of being a "single mom" and a "package deal". The package deal I have no issue with but the single mom thing pisses me off. You never hear "married mom" so why single me ( no pun intended) out? Why should I  conform to a label you chose for me and why are women ok with that? I am a woman and I am a mom, who happens to be currently single period. No I am not a "single mom" that is not WHO I am that is just a current circumstance. If I allow you to call me that or if I address myself as such I am boxing myself in to only an x amount of possibilities and you are not seeing me for me and all I have to offer.

illustration by twitter.com

Oh poor me I'm a single mom, what? Really? Why would you burden yourself with someone else's perception of who you are? Ok I get that being single and being a parent at times has its challenges but that is not going to define who I am. We all have challenges and being a women a good women is challenge enough. Which brings me to being a "package deal"

For weeks now I've been hearing and seeing stories about singer Ciara and her new boyfriend football player Russell Wilson. Her x and baby's father is having issues with this man having too much interaction with his child. Hugging or pushing the stroller, diaper changes, holding his hand etc etc. Really?
etonline.com, enstarz, nypost.com (links for background info)
You have an issue with someone treating your child with love and kindness? Your concerned and everyone else is concerned with how fast this guy is in this little boys life? His mother isn't capable of making that decision?

Here's my perspective...there is a difference between someone you are just having a good time with and someone who you see a possible future with. We sometimes get hung up on time tables but reality is that sometimes strong connections happen quickly and there is no right or wrong. Even more so this is still a little baby we are talking about, not a toddler or preteen.

As a woman and as I mom who has been single on and off since my daughter was about 12 years old my set meeting time was and has been about 3 months. That number works for me. It's long enough for me to have built some trust and comfort as well as feel easy having you in my personal space which includes my daughter. For me shorter than that is still not comfortable enough.

Dating and entering a relationship when you have children shouldn't be hard. It shouldn't be something you think about the so called right time to mention. I don't mean hi I'm so and so and I have 3 kids but I do mean a natural flow of conversation when you meet. It allows that person the choice to move forward or walk away. Then if they do decide to move forward you begin to set the stage for a comfortable meet. If at any moment you are feeling pressure for whatever reason then that is not the place for you. A "package deal" shouldn't carry a sting or a stigma it is just another circumstance that has come someones way.

illustration by ink361.com

After my daughter's father and I split up I had many conversations with my lil mama about how eventually both her father and I would meet other people and start new relationships. How it didn't mean that we didn't have love for each other it just meant we had a different type of love now that we were no longer a couple. That we both were good people and deserved to find other people to share our lives with and possibly build a new family. That it would only mean her family would get bigger and be different but that it would be a family non the less.

As women with children we must venture into new relationships with certain set guidelines. One size doesn't fit all so we really can't try to copy everyone we see. What we can do is evaluate ourselves and what we are looking for then set the rules from there.
-do we have a limit on how many kids we ourselves are willing to work with?
-how does he express himself regarding children?
-is he close to his own kids, how does he speak about the x?
-when you mention this person how do your kids react?
-is he mindful of your responsibilities as a mother?
-is he demonstrating interest in connecting with your child?
-does he ask about your children voluntarily or is subject only bought up when you say something?

We as moms pretty much have an idea about people's feelings towards our children. I feel confident that most of the time we know when to keep talking or when to keep walking. Getting back to Ciara, from what I see I think for now the direction they are going seems positive and if he or any man period shows interest and love for another man's child I say let's give them a chance.

It bought joy to my heart and still brings a smile to my face to recall all the times I witnessed my x boyfriend show love and affection to my daughter. There is love out there for all of us we just can't limit ourselves to labels and being part of a "package deal" can actually just be an added bonus! Don't let it stop you.

Do you think labels on people serve a purpose? Would meeting someone in a "package deal" be an automatic turnoff? What would be some of your guidelines and rules? Share your point of view.

Always stress free xo.

The Balance of Independence

As my Birth Day month soon draws to a close I wanted to sit for a moment and recap to myself what I thought were lessons I had learned this year. In the past just before my Birth Day arrives I review myself and my year and I give myself a grade.

Did I accomplish what I set out to do? Did I stick to my plans? How did I handle changes? Did I learn anything new? Did I help others? Did I make new friends and did I close any chapters in my life that needed closure?

This year I graded myself as ever changing, ever growing. Life can be bumpy as it is for me to be unkind to myself as well. Be kind to yourself, Always.

I wrote an independent piece for Women Connect Online womenconnectonline.com an awesome site dedicated to women, mothers, wives, singles etc...a great place with a vast collection of information and I am always happy to be part of anything sharing options and variations. They so graciously accepted and ran my post on 9/15/2014 that I would now love to share with you.

illustration by enpundit.com

Repost:
As a single woman in her early 40's I have found it a bit of a challenge to balance being an independent woman, strong and confident mixing in with the Dating world today.

I have been single now for over almost 3 years, dated several men during this time and chose to not date in 2014 so I could regroup and focus on what I wanted to come into my life.

I have been in 2 committed relationships in my life, one lasted 18 years and another 2 years.
What I learned from those unions was that you must accept your partner for who they are completely.
That you must not be in denial and think you will change them, yet be aware and clear that with respect and communication you can reach amazing compromises.
That relationships take effort, time and interest.

That you must like and enjoy this person outside of intimacy. That you never stop building the friendship so that all else continues to grow and flourish.

I learned that no one likes to hear and connect the words "hard work or work" when speaking of maintaining a relationship and I agree. I use to think that was the correct way to think of things but I have learned that no one really enjoys "work" and to most the idea and thought of "work" is a bit harsh and heavy.
If we are working 40 hours a week for example who then also wants to "work" at connecting with someone they love?

So this year has been a great lesson, those men I dated also taught me some great things.
Get to know yourself, be ok investing time on you, be clear in what you want and live life.
Be open to all possibilities, let go of the idea you have all the control because in reality we only have plans and goals but Life has its own way of sometimes presenting some bumps on the road and we must be able to breathe and be ok with that, let go and move on.
You attract what you put out, so make sure you are baggage free.

I have finally found the Balance of Independence.

Always stress free xo.

Slowing your pace down to regroup, let's call it Hibernation Time

Reveal Thursday...

As I revealed last week I am a single mom and I have reentered the dating world.
One crucial part of engaging in that world is investing money on such things as clothing, dinners, movies, brunches, sightseeing, gas, transportation and so forth. A lady must be prepared for all things at all times.
All these things can put a dent on your budget if you live on one which I happen to as I am sure many of us have to as well.

So in taking stock this past weekend I realized I have spent way too much money these last few months on this activity and to replenish myself and my bank account I will be Hibernating this Winter.

What does that mean?
Well Bears hibernate in order to bypass harsh winter months that do not allow their food supply to be in abundance.  They use the summer months to prepare for the winter months snug indoors cozy, cuddly, sleeping all day.
So because I like the idea of being cozy, sleeping and cuddling at home I chose the concept of hibernation to describe what I will be doing for the next few months.

These are the things I hope to accomplish:
• Save money
• Challenge myself to learn something new every day
• Catch up on reading some classics
• Test my fearlessness
• Explore my beautiful NYC , I have an amazing playground that I can indulge in for free if I just go out and look
• Take my camera out for more walks more often
• Invest more time with those I love
• Enjoy the perks of cuddling up at home
• Sharpen my cooking skills
• Redecorate my home
• Let my hair grow, again. I cut ten inches off to donate to Locks of Love over a year ago perhaps I can do that again for next April.
• Watch some great shows I missed via Netflix
• Focus more time and energy into my Yoga and meditation
• Discover new ways to meet people that do not include food or alcohol

Don’t get me wrong obviously I can’t literally Hibernate as Bears do, I still have to go to work, socialize  and be an engaging parent  and by no means do I intend on not continuing to enjoy my dating adventures
all my hibernating behavior means is that in the coming months I will use other means as forms of entertainment and connection while building up my bank account and not disrupting my Budget.

Living on a Budget is not a great thing all the time but it is an amazing tool if you want to build a better future for yourself and your children.  It doesn't have to mean going without or doing less, it just means changing the way you think about things and using more of your available options.

Don’t try to live like the Jones’s because they may not be as happy as you are in your world. They may have a smile on their faces but a heavy burden to carry. The grass is not always greener on the other side.
I am getting my cave ready with all the goodies I will need. I will not keep my lessons to myself I will share of course, with you.

Here’s to Mari’s Hibernation season 