Another Hair Chat

No statement can ring more true than unless something affects you you really do walk around unaware.
There has been huge chatter for some time now about Hair, more specifically the racists views on hair, African American Hair. Such words as unkept, intimidating, aggressive, ugly, crazy, smells funny have often been used in the same sentence in talks about African American Hair. Things that boggle my mind as is but let's keep talking.

I've talked about hair in the past, someone-just-like-me my own struggles as a kid and teenager with a head full of hair that didn't "behave" like other people's. The comments I'd get in the Salon about all the hair I had and how it trickled over to my own daughter when she came along.

Something so simple as Hair is bringing tears to so many eyes and finally after years of silence the words can no longer be held back.

doing what she does lil mama selfies

How easy must it be to go anywhere and be catered to your every need? How easy must it be to walk down a store aisle and have your pick of the large litter? Now stop for a second and imagine all those choices being taken away? How about not having a choice at all?

As a minority or woman of color because minority to me at this point even sounds incorrect to say (but that's a convo for another day) for so many years I've heard so many of these things but just shrugged it off or just bought something else to try and "tame" my hair that it really has been such an eye opener as of late to hear my own daughter speak about her recent experiences especially now in her working field. It's one thing for you to experience things as an adult, but when you see it through your child's eyes it's a whole different matter.

My daughter has chosen the field of Fashion as a career. How products are sold and marketed, the designs, the thoughts behind fabrics, textures and colors. Styling...what pieces of clothing should you put together to best show your body type without following the "size chart" that has been rammed down our throats for so many years. Accessories...adding to your look either with jewelry or your "hairstyle". So it pist me off to hear from her the other day that her dress code at work requires her to keep her "hair" in an acceptable style. What on earth is an "acceptable style"? She has curly hair by nature, she can wear it curly or endure two hours under the dryer so it lays flat but those are her choices to make not ours. What for you said job is not acceptable in those options that she has?

lil mama in work state of mind

How can my 21 year old daughter's curly hair intimidate or come across as aggressive to you? You want her to change a natural part of what makes her who she is because it's not something you have or even know about? Yet, you spend hundreds of dollars at your own Beauty parlor to get your flat hair like hers!?
Your establishment is so narrow minded and antiquated that you have a template for only one group of people?

That my daughter would even have to be a party in this type of conversation is testing me enough but that you would then turn around and say that you have never really thought of that issue and would have to get back to her says to me again, how crazy our society and how racist people still continue to be.

It's just freaking Hair!

So to illustrate my point I'm going to share a few pictures and I want you to honestly ask yourself what is the difference?

illustration by celebbuzz.com

illustration by juice salon.com

illustration by celebbuzz.com

illustration by ana.rs

illustration by pop sugar

illustration by haveagoodhairday.com

illustration by hairstyles weekly.com

illustration by snakkle.com

illustration by pinterest.com

illustration by short haircut.com

Did you look carefully? Did you see the difference? Let me spell it out COLOR. It is much easier for some to accept certain things in some groups as trendy when funny that in other groups its just the way of life. All these women are beautiful, just different.

I truly believe that women can make a difference in any field or topic that we touch. That once we set our minds on something and get the conversations going CHANGE can take place. So I am asking you...next time you see a women's hair and it doesn't look like yours don't judge instead embrace.
Consider the possibility of respecting the differences in each other. Consider how you would feel if your daughter or son were to be judged by their Hair.

What are your thoughts? Would love to start a conversation?

Always stress free xo
Mari 

Someone just Like Me

Have you taken a moment today to look around and see if anyone else looks like you? Has the same shaped eyes or nose? Skin tone or hair texture? Mouth or even the way you walk? Have you opened a book lately and a reflection of you stared you in the face?

Imagine if you will that the answer is no. That the reflection you see in the mirror you rarely run into elsewhere. That unless you are with your family or around your neighborhood there is no other representation of you. The magazines you love and the shows you watch don't reflect anyone you know or the things you do. How your mother cooks or the games you and your cousins play. Where you go shopping or the music you enjoy.

illustration by lovequotesimg.com

I have a wonderful teacher and she is I am proud to say, my daughter. I can't express enough how much she means to me and all she adds to my life daily. If you happen to be blessed enough to have younger people around, please listen and learn. They have plenty to teach and we have yet so much to still learn. I must start recording our conversations because I just can't retain all the info sometimes coming from just one session lol.

Our chat the other night bought a few tears to my eyes and a pain to my heart. As a mother it is always difficult to hear when our children have suffered unfairly, been bullied or felt out of place and questioned who they were. It is tough to realize that at some point they may have thought they were just not good enough. It was a tough pill to swallow for me when this conversation was over.

Innocently enough it all started with comments about her going to see the new Disney movie Home. Voiced by Rihanna, Jim Parsons and Steve Martin just to name a few. I asked if she had a nice time, was it fun etc..her response was "I had a great time but got a little teary afterwards when I left the theater." I asked why and she said "because I saw a little girl stand next to Tip's poster and tell her mom look! she looks just like me!!!" As my daughter recounted this moment her eyes swelled up with tears again, that shocked me.

illustration by tumblr.com

As she continued to share, she expressed that when she heard that she could relate. For the character Tip, voiced by Rihanna has a head full of curly hair. She looks like some of her friends and family and people in our neighborhood. She looks like her! I've never heard my daughter talk about feeling different ever but it goes to show and showed me, that society's views do affect those in the outside of what is considered normal. My daughter continued to share in detail the many years as a child growing up around other kids that didn't really look like her and the things they would say.

She spoke about times she wondered why her hair was so curly or if it was indeed so different. Times when she questioned if it was wrong of her to like her hair as it was. Should she straighten it, relax it, cut it? Days that people would make comments but think they were being nice as they said it. Both children and adults alike. She said even today when people comment "oh your hair reminds me of Diana Ross" and look at her sideways. Or when she gets stopped and asked if its all hers and is it soft.

All this made my eyes get wider and wider because I couldn't believe it. How rude, cruel and nasty. Is anyone asking Britney Spears or any of the Kardashians why they put extensions in their hair? Why some people pay hundreds to get some waves on their flat hair? Why Tanning Salons are such a big business? So many questions could be asked but aren't, why? Is it because some people can get away with stuff just because it could be the latest style while others who look and live this way on a daily are not normal?

I don't like to ride in the car where every thing that happens leads to a town called racist but more and more each day I see that when I don't acknowledge it or understand it I will always have it parked right outside my door. I am baffled to still hear comments in relation to skin color, hair, style of dress etc...When a commercial or a television program shows a loving non white family it's not realistic but when it shows non whites acting like fools its totally believable. When a non white sports a nice hairstyle it can't be her real hair but if the same style is on someone else everyone wants to copy it.

illustration by galleryhip.com

This is a plea to all mothers. We have more power than we know. Yes fathers matter but I am speaking to the moms. Why? Because females are known for our excessive sensitivity or so that is what we have been told for far too long.

Mom...

-next time you see a little girl that doesn't look like your daughter instead of seeing what is different look instead at what is the same.

-next time your son wears his hair a certain way don't gravitate to an exclusion but instead praise his creative form of expression, its only hair!

-next time your teen visits a tanning salon or goes to the beach to get "dark", remember some people already are a variety of these shades naturally and it isn't a fashion statement. If you find it "cute" to tan then why is it not "cute" to already be dark?

-next time your daughter picks up a book to read, be grateful she can find a character to relate to because for a very long time many of us couldn't.

-next time you're about to use the word bad to describe someone or something that is not like you why don't you try to replace it with the word different?

I don't want to bash anyone I want to start a conversation, provoke a thought. I want words to be used carefully and wisely. The same way we want as females to be treated equally and fairly is the same way we should treat those that are not a reflection of what we see in the mirror.

I am not a b word because I speak my mind but when I do men call me that. I am not cocky because I am confident in my skin and love who I am but others that are not like me say I am. Some people say "everyone" has their place, I say "my" place, my daughter's place and every one's place is the same.

Thoughts that come from a mother daughter chat. What do you say? Share your experiences and views, respectfully please.

Always stress free xo.

Hair Hair Hair

Three people inspired me to touch this subject.
-Blue Ivy
-The lovely Courtney Conover over @thebrowngirlwithlonghair.com
-The cheerful Jennifer Borget over @babymakingmachine.com

We all have hair issues some more than others and some more extreme than others.

Women especially seem to be hit with the most criticism and it comes from other women!

The Catty disease I call it.
Where instead of building each other up we tear each other into shreds till we fall to the ground.

Just for clarity purposes I will point out three things.
-I am Hispanic / Latina
-I have an abundance (thank you up above) of hair
-My hair is black, thick and curly

As a child I recall many days of  "bad" hair days. When you have hair such as mine it does not take just a few minutes to do and walk out the door.
I remember many days of pony tails and crying when I washed my hair.
I remember in my early teens, hitting myself in the head (yes I know, what!?) with the hair brush because my hair wouldn't behave.

It didn't help that my mother didn't look for better ways to deal with my texture. I mean her idea of dealing was taking me to the Salon / Beauty Parlor and having the lady either put some straightening treatments or having them put these hugh rollers in my hair that when I got out the dryer my hair needed it's own space. It was so high up and bouncy I didn't even want to walk outside.

By the time H.S. came along I was better able to handle my own hair styling. It still could have used some work but it was much better for sure.
I was aware that humidity was my enemy.
I was aware that during the warm months I must keep all styles to bare minimum.
I was aware that rubber bands, head bands and gels were my best friend.

It also didn't help that all the models during my trying years had straight, soft, hair.
That all the products catered to White women's hair as you saw on television.
Thank god for music videos and magazines like Vanidades and Ebony. Thank god for my grandma and her Spanish channels and thank god I lived within the five boroughs of NYC where I got to experience a vast variety of women and styles.

In my early twenties I finally learned to accept that yes my hair texture was different but not bad.
That there were many women who actually envied and did things to their hair to make it look like mine.
That I had to go to places and people who knew how to deal with my hair so I wouldn't hear stupid comments like "oh my god you have so much hair" um yes I do and thank you!!!
That yes I have to work and do certain things differently to my hair that other women may not, but that it's ok and that it's the right thing to do for me.

When I had my daughter I never once gave it a second thought on how to handle her hair.
I knew better, I used better tools and I had experience.
Though my daughter's hair is of a different texture, because her daddy's hair was different than mine she was blessed with the best from both of us. Trust when I say my daughter has a lot of hair.

I took my time with her. I allowed myself extra hair time in the mornings. I bought all sorts of pins and ties for her. I gave her hair treatments ( natural ones) once a month. During the warm months we did bare minimum and away from the face.
No alcohol based products so we could avoid damage and dryness.

Throughout my thirties I allowed my hair to grow long. I followed all my rules and I enjoyed a great happy run. I had the Rachel, I had all the great long hair styles the celebrities sported.
Then a few years back I got bored. I got tired of the weight, of the responsibility it took to maintain the look and the effort it took so it could look like it took no effort at all.
I wanted a change but wasn't sure of what to do.
Then I saw Hillary Swank on Oprah cutting off all her hair and donating it!

I had found the answer I was looking for! What a great way to make a change and help someone else all at the same time.

I looked up Locks of Love (locksoflove), an organization that uses your donations to provide wigs for children dealing with hair loss issues. The information was great, I loved what they stood for and since I had lost my friend Cynthia to a type of Cancer I felt she would be proud of me as well. She was another one with a Lion's mane of hair till she got sick.

One of the requirements is 10 inches long or more. That was easy for me, my hair was waistline length just the right order.
I went to their website signed up, got the tools in the mail and off to chopville I went.
I took my daughter with me as moral support and told no one about what I was about to do.

When I got there and told my stylist my intentions her eyes opened up so wide I thought I was looking at a cartoon.
The word spread quickly and everyone was shocked and gasping. "OMG, why would you want to do that?" "Wow, I would never cut my hair" "What will your husband say?" "Are you crazy?" etc...etc...
Are you serious? All that because of some hair? It's only hair!!!
It will grow back.

Needless to say, hair was chopped off to a little above shoulders and has been chopped off even more after. I felt such a relief and so proud of myself.
Women should not be defined by their hair or any other part or thing on their bodies!!!
Let's learn to work with what we have and enjoy what we were given.

The harsh comments about Blue Ivy were eye opening to me. The judgment on a child's natural hair and the opinions shared? Unbelievable.
My lovely Courtney's hair dilemma shares one being on her son taking swimming lessons and my cheerful Jennifer for wanting to leave her sons hair alone made me stop and recall my own hair journey.
Thank you for inspiring me to share my own road block and how I jumped right over it ❤️❤️❤️

-Courtney Conover @thebrowngirlwithlonghair.com
the-video-diaries-operation-naturally
curly-hair-could-ishould-i

-Jennifer Borget @babymakingmachine.com
cutting-sons-hair
hair-decisions

I'm including links to both ladies so you can visit with them as well and I am including pics and link to Locks so perhaps if you have been debating getting a new look this can be a push to take the leap!
Options Options Options!!!

Always stress free xo