License to Kill, Literally

Peace and Love on this Sunday morning.

illustration by quotesgram.com

It has been an extremely sad week for Humanity but is it really anything new? And the fact that I can so easily think that isn't that even sadder?

Alton Sterling

Akai Gurley

Tanisha Anderson

Dante Parker

Sandra Bland

Rumain Brisbon

Jerame Reid

Tony Robinson

Philando Castile

Phillip White

Walter Scott

Freddie Gray

Tamir Rice

Michael Brown, Jr.

John Crawford III

Eric Garner

Dontre Hamilton

Trayvon Martin

Tanisha Anderson

Malissa Williams

Yvette Smith

Miriam Carey

Shelly Frey

Darnisha Harris

Shantel Davis

Rekia Boyd

Shareese Francis

Aiyana Stanley Jones age 7!

Tarika Wilson

This is a list of names of African American people killed by police officers, with the exception of one in the last eight years! This is a random listing not a specific breakdown of for example 2015 which is over 900 and of 2016 which last I read was past 50. One too many names on this list one too many lives carelessly taken away, simply because their lives didn't matter to those that pulled the trigger.

I'm not going to invest energy on trying to sway anyone's mind on what life matters the most...ALL LIVES MATTER. Everyone wants to go home to their families. We are all the same we just come in different shades. This conversation is about racism across the board but because of the in your face White Cop vs Person of Color at the other end of that gun we can no longer hide from the truth.

If you can't admit that something is systematically wrong with our Law Enforcement across the board then you are living under a rock or you are part of the problem. If you can't admit that racism still affects many things today still you are part of the problem.

In one week we saw two African American men get killed by the police and then we saw five police officers loose their lives as well because one African American man got feed up with the injustice and brutality that people of color have suffered for years. We don't know these officers, we don't know if they were corrupt or if they honored the code to Serve and Protect all. We just know they serve as a symbol of pent up anger, frustration and pain.

illustration by pinterest

All these people had people who loved them, who will miss and cry for them for a long time to come. Fathers, Mothers, Sisters, Brothers, somebody's Somebody!

Racism exists it hasn't gone away or eased up it's just presented to us in different forms and some of us just go along with the program. A police officer "joking" about he would have shot Philando Castile five times instead of four on his Face Book page isn't funny, it's a blatant disregard of a HUMAN LIFE.

Being upset at Jesse Williams for speaking the truth from his perspective, experience and history is disrespectful to a vast majority of people. These experiences aren't made up, they aren't a movie Steven Spielberg put together or a book that George R. R. Martin wrote they are history.

Jesse Williams speech full video here: variety.com
Jesse Williams speech transcript here: time.com
Officer Jones FB share: huffingtonpost

taking it to back in the days...
Lynching in America: washingtonpost.com

For way too long the practice of hiding behind "authority", having a legal License to Kill and having a certain skin color has been the only requirement to trample over people thought of as lesser than. For way too long people have wanted to continue to deny the wrongs in the past and behave as if they have no merit in our current lives but how can they not when we turn on the television or log onto our Social Media and see otherwise?

Africans were taken away from their land, forced to work for others, beaten, raped and killed. Told they were property and treated like nothing. Spent years and years going from being called one name to another generation after generation trying to receive the basics of life. Protested, marched, boycotted and fought still to really get nothing. My parents come from the Dominican Republic, I have dark skin. There were slaves where my parents come from, we are all connected.

illustration by quotes.lifehack.org

Today you allow us to play "your sports" because we make you money. Today certain people of color are more acceptable than others. Today still in some way or some how we should "know our place" You want to get as dark as me so you go to a tanning salon, you want to inject your a** with God knows what because of the girl in the video, you want to be like me as Jesse said "like a costume".

If you are not enraged by these events, if your heart isn't broken by all the blood shed, if you can't picture this happening to you again...you are part of the problem. Every time my daughter goes out now with her best friends I have to fear they will get stopped as they have in the past simply for being Young African American and Latino kids. Every time they go to visit their other friends in other certain neighborhoods they get stopped and asked what business they have there. Are you serious, what business? In New York City where so much diversity is the norm? You are stopping kids because you think they don't belong in that neighborhood? Kids that don't look like you terrify you?

So now that five White Police Officers have been killed, what are we going to do? Is the License to Kill mentality going to remain the same? Are we finally going to be heard? Are we finally going to see changes or do more people have to die? Does your kid have to be the one to come home and share with you a scary encounter with someone who thought they were threatening in order for you to take part in this conversation? Tamir Rice could have been anyone's son. All our kids have played or play in the park with swords or play guns or what have you in their hands.

illustration by quotesgram.com

This is a Humanity problem not just Black Lives, Blue Lives White Lives, Brown Lives or whatever other hashtags pop up on Social Media. This is a Humanity problem because until we all view one another as equal racism and injustice will never go away.

Again I urge mothers to stand together to view everyone's child as their child and image the pain of not having them around. I can't even imagine my daughter being gone just because her skin is not white and someone felt threatened by her so they deemed her disposable. I can't imagine why anyone would be viewed disposable because of the color of their skin Period.

Let's start talking and educating ourselves. Let's start demanding that those who swear to Protect and Serve us get better training and form better relationships in the communities they patrol. Share your thoughts, experiences and ideas.

Always stress free and more today with love xo,
Mari

Take the Blinders Off!

Good Morning loves, hope everyone is living their best selves. I had a different post I wanted to share today but recent news events changed my mind. I want to touch on a few things without ranting but instead sparking a pause in your life and some rational thoughts. Mothers and Fathers we owe that to our children.

Let me begin with the circus that is Donald Trump.
I can't say enough that I am not a political person, never have been. I just believe in fairness however we achieve it. What ever "party" is going to be fair is fine with me, I am still confused as to how we are the "United States" and have such huge division in politics to begin with. How instead of finding a balance its all or nothing at the expense of many. That is not "United" to me. I became more mindful of debates and such when my daughter became really interested in the Obama run.

She would have us sit and watch and discuss them afterwards. It made me take my blinders off at this countries racists views and proud of it attitude. It may not be in your face per say but it was and is there. It's always the same sentence, "I'm not racist I have such and such friends." Just because you say you have a "friend" doesn't mean you view them as your equal.

illustration by pinterest.com

Respectful of the Republican Party, how can you in your right conscious vote for a man who is clearly spreading hate and fear? Who promotes division and smiles at you as he does it? Who says he will make this a better country but you may not be part of making it better because though you may also be a republican he is talking about your family or your country of origin. How do you stand by that? Are pride and ego more valuable than actual human lives? Does the end justify the means?
nytimes.com
What do you think? Would you rather follow just because that is what you associate with or would you instead try something new?

My next light the match is the story of the Stamford sexual assault case.
Assaulting anyone for any reason is unfortunate in itself but sexual assault for me has an extra sting. Anyone can recover from a punch in the face or a real bad beating but a violation of your body so personal lives on forever. No matter how much time passes you always carry it with you. I can't image how that must feel but I can empathize. So to read and hear this young man's father try to brush under the rug "20 minutes of actions" as if it was or is nothing is sickening. Her life has value just like he thinks his sons does. A sentence as light as what he received is an additional slap in the face to the victim.
cnn.com

Which brings me to my perspective that certain people can get away with some things and others can't. White privilege.
Some people can say whatever they like and its taken as a joke or behave in a certain way and a blind eye is turned. This link I'm sharing shows us a different outcome to a "sexual assault" I want you to share what you think cbsnews.com

illustration by inspirationboost.com

Lastly, I want to acknowledge the transition of Muhammed Ali. I never watched him fight or sat and watched an old fight but I have watched some of his interviews and what sticks with me is his strength. Not as a fighter, but as a man. A man who never wavered in his beliefs. A man who never went with what was popular but instead with what was right, at any cost. From his refusal to enlist to getting rid of his Olympic Gold Medal, his strength shined from within. Equality, respect, love and kindness those are the words that come to mind when I think of him. How can I be "good enough" in your eyes for one thing but not in another? That is the question he always made you think about.

Take the Blinders off, question your beliefs. Were they handed down to you from your family? Did you come to these conclusions on your own? Is there room for change, is there room for new questions? Start a conversation.

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Another Hair Chat

No statement can ring more true than unless something affects you you really do walk around unaware.
There has been huge chatter for some time now about Hair, more specifically the racists views on hair, African American Hair. Such words as unkept, intimidating, aggressive, ugly, crazy, smells funny have often been used in the same sentence in talks about African American Hair. Things that boggle my mind as is but let's keep talking.

I've talked about hair in the past, someone-just-like-me my own struggles as a kid and teenager with a head full of hair that didn't "behave" like other people's. The comments I'd get in the Salon about all the hair I had and how it trickled over to my own daughter when she came along.

Something so simple as Hair is bringing tears to so many eyes and finally after years of silence the words can no longer be held back.

doing what she does lil mama selfies

How easy must it be to go anywhere and be catered to your every need? How easy must it be to walk down a store aisle and have your pick of the large litter? Now stop for a second and imagine all those choices being taken away? How about not having a choice at all?

As a minority or woman of color because minority to me at this point even sounds incorrect to say (but that's a convo for another day) for so many years I've heard so many of these things but just shrugged it off or just bought something else to try and "tame" my hair that it really has been such an eye opener as of late to hear my own daughter speak about her recent experiences especially now in her working field. It's one thing for you to experience things as an adult, but when you see it through your child's eyes it's a whole different matter.

My daughter has chosen the field of Fashion as a career. How products are sold and marketed, the designs, the thoughts behind fabrics, textures and colors. Styling...what pieces of clothing should you put together to best show your body type without following the "size chart" that has been rammed down our throats for so many years. Accessories...adding to your look either with jewelry or your "hairstyle". So it pist me off to hear from her the other day that her dress code at work requires her to keep her "hair" in an acceptable style. What on earth is an "acceptable style"? She has curly hair by nature, she can wear it curly or endure two hours under the dryer so it lays flat but those are her choices to make not ours. What for you said job is not acceptable in those options that she has?

lil mama in work state of mind

How can my 21 year old daughter's curly hair intimidate or come across as aggressive to you? You want her to change a natural part of what makes her who she is because it's not something you have or even know about? Yet, you spend hundreds of dollars at your own Beauty parlor to get your flat hair like hers!?
Your establishment is so narrow minded and antiquated that you have a template for only one group of people?

That my daughter would even have to be a party in this type of conversation is testing me enough but that you would then turn around and say that you have never really thought of that issue and would have to get back to her says to me again, how crazy our society and how racist people still continue to be.

It's just freaking Hair!

So to illustrate my point I'm going to share a few pictures and I want you to honestly ask yourself what is the difference?

illustration by celebbuzz.com

illustration by juice salon.com

illustration by celebbuzz.com

illustration by ana.rs

illustration by pop sugar

illustration by haveagoodhairday.com

illustration by hairstyles weekly.com

illustration by snakkle.com

illustration by pinterest.com

illustration by short haircut.com

Did you look carefully? Did you see the difference? Let me spell it out COLOR. It is much easier for some to accept certain things in some groups as trendy when funny that in other groups its just the way of life. All these women are beautiful, just different.

I truly believe that women can make a difference in any field or topic that we touch. That once we set our minds on something and get the conversations going CHANGE can take place. So I am asking you...next time you see a women's hair and it doesn't look like yours don't judge instead embrace.
Consider the possibility of respecting the differences in each other. Consider how you would feel if your daughter or son were to be judged by their Hair.

What are your thoughts? Would love to start a conversation?

Always stress free xo
Mari 

Maturity & Timing are Everything

Happy Sunday! Had a great chat with my lil mama this morning before we both went off on errand runs and I wanted to share my walk away. She was sharing how her evening out with friends had gone and the things they had come across.

She recently turned 21 but I laugh because she refers to her 17 year old self as if it was a life time ago. I guess if your perspective is always expanding it could somehow feel that way. She was talking about men and how they were approached last night and how in her age group the males have been falling short on what they are bring to the plate and have to offer. She shared their pick up lines and their over all appearance etc...

I was laughing the whole time because she reminded me of my friends and I at her age though I was already in a committed relationship with her father at that time. I remembered the list of must haves and the "look" we were aiming for and the what we would and would not accept chatter. I know times  have changed when my daughter says that parents are doing a poor job of raising their boys to be strong men and not wimps.

illustration by quotegrams.com

She pointed out that guys have forgotten how to pay attention to the small stuff and that timing is everything. That sarcasm isn't cute and goofy lines aren't funny. That contrary to what society wants to paint women want men to actually approach them with something deep and thought provoking so that a great conversation can evolve. 

Times are changing indeed so parents of boys if you haven't started yet start so now because the females are coming up stronger and wiser than ever! They have plenty to say and aren't afraid to say it and they aren't looking for someone to tell them what they already know about themselves...that they are beautiful. What they would like to hear instead is "hey, I saw you and automatically thought what can I do to add to your greatness."

My takeaway was how proud I am to bare witness to such an intelligent young woman who knows what she wants and knows her value without tearing down another. Who surrounds herself with people who want to make a difference in their lives and in society and aren't wrapped up in the shine being sold on social media. Confidence is a great thing to encourage I feel as parents we need to focus more on that and less on trying to fit in with everyone. I always say it is best to show your best self than the worst imitation. 

illustration by quotes gram.com

What do you think? In the list of things to teach our boys what are your priorities? 

Always stress free xo

Mari

Dear Jerk that likes to bash Single Mothers

Hey lovelies this is not a plug for FB but I just had to share my perspective on this share someone  posted Don't date Single Mothers & Don't waste your time with them

Here's my response to him...

Dear Shawn James,
First I would like to say that though I am not on Face Book I am so grateful that social media pays so much attention to negativity and pot stirring shares that because I listen to the radio I heard about your article.

I want to acknowledge you because I respect that you have the right to share Your truth and that your truth doesn't speak for all. Yes a few but not all. I am also appreciative that you have the guts to spill your experiences with the world but unfortunately not enough guts to look at yourself first to see if some of those "issues" you so loudly pointed out don't stem from you and your own journey first?

illustration by pinterest

I am sadden that you have had such rough experiences with Single Mothers but let me share some things as well with you...

Above all else these issues you listed could very well be said about just anyone Period.

1-True at times any single parent runs into moments that we are not as available as the next person but it doesn't count us out. If anything, the person who wants to connect with us will be willing to compromise and respect our priorities.

2-You who ever you are will never be a Priority. I come first always then my kid(s) Period. I must care for me first before I can care for another and if you who ever you are has such low self esteem that me not fawning over your every move makes you feel less than...then I feel bad for you. Compromise is always a great friend, try finding one.

3-Yes I am yes we are Narcissists, the world does revolve around us as it should for you as well. No you shouldn't stop doing anything for me but you should stop and do things for Us. I am not selfish because again I take care of me. Yes you have needs and I will gladly take care of them for you...if you earn it and deserve it. I am not just going to give it to you.

4-I don't know what person you connected with but all Single Mothers being Emotionally Unavailable? What robot did you connect with? And why do you have such an issue with the closeness we have with our children? Did your mother/parents not connect with you? Were you not their priority? Don't be upset because that was not your experience, if anything why don't you turn it around and give to someone else what wasn't given to you?

Yes some of us still have a place in our hearts for our child's father and that can be open for discussion. If you care enough you will grow to know the back story and if you are comfortable in your own skin he will never pose a threat to you. Every one of us has a past some never look back and some take a glimpse back every now and then...Communication is another good friend, find him.

5-The other parent will Always be there period, that is a given. It is up to both of you to talk about setting boundaries. Yes you have a few good points, some ex's do linger, some games are and can be played but again this can be said about any Relationship.

illustration by pinterest.com

6-Again James you do have a valid point, some kids do work against you but we have to consider a few things here. Age, circumstances and introduction. Don't generalize and YES you will always have to as you so lovely stated "have to deal" with the kids. Hello! they were their before you. They aren't your competition James, learn to get along with others.

Seriously, so far you sound like a spoiled little kid. Maybe its us that should run away from You.

7-No the kids won't hate you, they will hate the Energy you are bringing into their space. Kids aren't as easily fooled as adults when it comes to who people really are. I think maybe your energy is the baggage you are talking about.
If indeed there are four billion women out here then I am glad that you will continue to have opportunities at your very own happy ending.

8-We are entitled to RESPECT period. If indeed we had our child out of wedlock which again you are assuming we are all the same then so what. Your first problem right there is you have no respect for women Period! You are a reflection of what is wrong with the world. You open your mouth and nothing but trash comes out. You yourself have had ugly experiences, perhaps even caused a few and you want to lump everyone in one boat. All women, all people in general deserve the best. Who wants to connect with a half *SS? And yes I am a Queen not just because I popped a baby out of my V*gina as you said but because I reign above all that spreads kindness and love.

Yes! of course any man that wants to connect with me needs to treat me well. Dinners, movies, gifts yes yes yes. And treat my child well as well? Of course! Don't you want to be treated well? Don't you want to be spoiled? Don't you want to feel special? This works both ways again I repeat...who did you connect with, a robot? And no I don't expect you to ignore poor behavior or reward it. That goes for anything or anyone in life.

9-I think you are the one with a distorted self image. Being a mother doesn't make us any less Sexy. Yes some of us wear things we shouldn't but again so do many other people in general. What's with the body shaming? Are you an Adonis? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, every look is not for every one and thank heavens for that.

illustration by she knows.com

The words you use are very ugly and speak to how poorly you view yourself because guess what? You only attract what you are. Again look at yourself in the mirror. Oh and wait...you said that the only guys who want what we have to offer are "scavengers at the bottom of the social scene"? I imagine that this includes you as well even if just for a short time, since you wrote about your experience with Single Mothers.

10-Always the victim? No your the one playing victim here. What you could have done is sat alone in your experience and figured it out, instead you went on social media and blamed others for your short comings. Not all of us are looking for a hand out, not all of us are bitter and heartless. Yes yes of course you will always run into a few but as a whole we raise amazing children and add a lot of great things to our communities. Again stop attracting trash by not being trash yourself. James nothing wrong with looking for the handsome, rich man you should be looking for the gorgeous, rich woman.

11-Oh, so your such a prize you never have a mood swing? You never go from one emotion to another? Have you tried juggling more than one thing at a time? Women in general always have to play the balancing act. I think we bought this upon ourselves but hey its here and we have to learn to change it or figure it out. But Nut Job? No we aren't all nut jobs, we just don't want or need to deal with your crap.
And Yes!!! you are so right. You will see glimpse of what is to come if you pay close attention. So James, had you followed your own advice you wouldn't have gotten so far in with "the Nut Job".

illustration by freedatingsitesreview.com

It's also sad to read that you were verbally abused. As I said earlier we all have a past and we all have baggage, its what we choose to do with that that counts. This goes for everyone and everything James. Again you are lumping us all together. That you connected with someone who belittled you and treated you as a worthless human being is unfortunate but take it up with her not with the rest of us.

12-Drama Queen? no this would be you.

Save a hoe? You can't even process the part you played in these ugly connections or connection so how can you save someone else? Manipulation doesn't happen unless you allow it so own up to fact it happened to you, make sure it doesn't happen again and move forward.

13-If you happen to hook up with a Single Mother just a few weeks into the breakup sure it could totally be to make the other person jealous, but can't the same be said for guys? Games are games no matter who is playing them.

illustration by your tango.com

The sympathy card? Geez James you really hooked up with a winner. This female or these females were a hot mess! Where did you find them? Where have you been looking?

14-Dishonest? and we Lie? Dang James what world have you been living in? Don't you see that around you all day long? Not just in Single Mothers get out from under that rock and you will see life is full of all sorts of characters. Again you attract what you are so look in the mirror.

Anyway James, I want to wrap this up by thanking you. Thank you for proving that when people have been hurt and have no guts to start looking at themselves they pick on others. Thank you for proving that some males are jerks and extremely immature. Thanks for sharing some valid points but due to delivery they may have been lost. Thanks for putting on blast the females that are indeed ratchet period. But most of all I want to thank you for allowing me the opportunity to show the other side of your coin.

I wish you all the best, hope you have better luck in another pool and I really really hope you work on  yourself moving forward so you have better results.

Always stress free xo
Mari

Love Thyself

TRUTH HURTS

Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!

While most will be posting cute hearts and candies I want to address what everyone is talking about and share my perspective as a mother to my own Beyonce but first lets talk about the original.

Facts:

-Her estimated net worth is $250 Million dollars

-Business woman, Wife, Mother, Song writer, Singer, Dancer oh and...Actress

-Destiny's Child was one of the world's Best Selling Girl Groups of All times

-She has earned twenty Grammy Awards

-She has sold over 118 Million records Solo and 60 Million with Destiny's Child

-Her songs touch on all subject matters from bubble gum anthems to raw reality and passionate love

I'm going to stop here because I think the message is clear. She is a woman of Power and Influence. She has earned everything she has received and she deserves respect for her hustle. I loved her Super Bowl performance as I have always loved all her performances. She gives you 100% each and every time. No excuses.

So why was White America shocked at her latest performance? Were they not aware she is and has always been an African American Woman? She's been on this earth for over 30 plus years it didn't just happen over night. Because she is light skin that fact is over looked? Or is it because her appearance doesn't scare them like Venus and Serena apparently do? Wait...is it because she made songs like Single Ladies or Run the World and their kids and they themselves too felt it was catchy tune and "safe"?

Was she not in some sort of "Formation" then?

Super Bowl Sunday she spoke one very important aspect of her journey and Truth. She told you her history in one entire song, things she has always talked about in one way or another but because it was slapping White America in the face all at once she was totally out of line. Why? Super Bowl Sunday is sacred to only one race? Was her Truth so offensive that it shouldn't be heard or displayed so the whole world can see?

The response to her Truth speaks volumes of how far we haven't come. 

illustration by picture quotes.com

Pride in who you are should never be a bad thing! When Garth Brooks or Dolly Parton speak of their Truths who's offended? How about Johnny Cash or Jerry Lee Lewis? Let's bring it closer how about Aerosmith or Bruce Springsteen? I am extremely open minded when it comes to music. Music is Universal I love all types of music including these aforementioned artists. I love how they shared their Truths, their experiences in life as seen through Their eyes. I am not offended by songs addressing their love of horses or ranch life or cheating spouse or their love affair with drugs and alcohol. The songs depict the Truth of the Artist.

She pointed out the injustices that have occurred and continue to occur to her people. The killings, the discrimination, the labels, the less than attitude...she laid it all out. Was she lying? What part of her song was a lie? Is it a lie because it is not the White America version? Minorities, again a label given to certain people by others who feel Superior are just plain and simply Tired. 

Myself included. I am tired of White America deflecting their low self esteem on me and those who look like me. I am tired of the labels and constant need to "try" to somehow justify all the in your face wrongs that occur daily. I am tired of having to have conversations about "the color" of someone's skin. 

Don't tell me or anyone else who has been treated poorly to "just move on". Don't disrespect the long hard journey my ancestors had by saying things like "it wasn't me". Yes it may very well not be you per say but it was your grandfather and those before him. The Civil Rights movement was in the late 50's early 60's. This is my mother's time this is not that long ago and where are we now? 

I began with a statement I have my own lil Beyonce. Why should my daughter in the year 2016 be stopped by the police because her and a group of her friends are walking down the street and "look" suspicious? Why should my daughter be told she should straighten her hair because it "will look" better? Better to who? Why did my daughter have to hear comments about her features at the age of 6? How cruel and self righteous can White America be? 

Love Thyself!!!

Love Thyself! Focus on yourself, better yourself change your history and Truths. Stop trying to change people that are not like you. We don't want to be you. We are proud of who we are. 

Love Thyself! Encourage differences and own up to past mistakes. It will really be appreciated. 

We can never move forward if the past is ignored, lied about and not acknowledged. Life just doesn't work that way the Planet never forgets.

Now let me be very clear. This is my Truth. I am writing to speak to that man or woman who just doesn't respect and get the magnitude of what took place Super Bowl Sunday. I am speaking to those that feel they were "disrespected". I am speaking to those I and the rest of my people "offend". I am speaking to those that were happy to sing "who run the world, Girls" but just don't want it to be again a Minority Girl. If what I have addressed isn't who you are than the labels don't apply and this should be a conversation starter. If what I have addressed rubs you the wrong way then again its a conversation starter and should start with you looking in the mirror asking "why does a non white person loving themselves effect and offend me?"

Thanks Beyonce for the following line because my daughter will do exactly that...

"Always stay Gracious best Revenge is your Paper" 

What are your thoughts? Are you tired of all the race talks and feel its time to get "over it" or do you think the talks haven't been wide and long enough and more needs to be done? Start a conversation, share your thoughts and experiences.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Warning: Touch my Child & we Will have a Problem

Happy Hump day to all my dolls, hope everyone is doing great and getting the little ones ready for Halloween. I had intended to share a whole different post today with a whole different vibe but watching the news last night and this morning pushed me in this direction instead.

nydailynews Teacher duct tapes kids mouth
nbcnews Cop slams student on the floor

Teacher uses belt to whip the kids

abc7ny.com Teacher hits students with ruler

I am sure by now you have heard and or seen the video of a Police Officer dragging a young lady in a classroom and formed your own opinion. I am not going to pick apart the three sides to every story what I am going to do is speak as a mother who has seen just one too many of these cases.

I always taught my daughter to respect those that respect her. I never put an age limit to respect, never. I respected her at age three as I did age twelve as I do today. I always taught her that it was ok to question authority and that if any problems speak with respect, stand her ground and call me. I taught my daughter that no adult or teacher or anyone period had the right to abuse her in any shape or form and if she felt threatened to defend herself first and ask questions later, we had her back.

illustration by twominuteparenting.com

I am not saying that I taught my daughter to go to school and disrespect her teachers. I am also not saying that I taught my daughter to disrespect her elders but questioning your elders or disagreeing with them is not disrespect, especially if your communication is respectful.
With that being said...I don't care what the circumstances are no adult especially a non parent has the right to ever lift a finger to a child.

You are an adult, you should know better you should be trained better too if you are in an environment with children. If I treated my own child that way I would be put in jail for abuse. Adults in authority need to learn better methods to deal with disruptive behavior. A child talking back to you or disrupting the class with chatter does not warrant physical confrontation. I don't hold a license or certificate that says Mari is a teacher Mari is a law enforcer but I am a mother and if you touch my child we are going to have a problem. The fact that I am a mother trumps all those licenses and certificates period end of story.

This morning I saw the story about a teacher who duct taped a student (I shared the link above) and this is what I said to my daughter. First I couldn't understand how he got his hand on the child because my child would have run away and gotten help.
 -I taught my daughter never to just sit and wait to see what happens, if someone is coming towards you move away and prepare for action
No one should be a sitting duck, prepare your children to defend themselves. This is not to say everything is physical but at least teach them to be aware. Prepare them to remove themselves from harms way and contact you immediately. Again teach them its ok to question authority, it is never ok for anyone to touch them.

illustration by pinterest

As a parent today my perspective in many things have changed, gone are the days we sent our kids to school and the teacher took over, looking for our children's best interest. So many rules and regulations have changed, so many stresses that weren't there before. I commend those authority figures who are doing their jobs, who are working in the kids best interest, who use better methods to discipline but for those who don't fall in that line this is what I have to say to you...

I don't send my child to school for you to disrespect or abuse them. 

I don't send my child to school for you to yell, scream or demean them. 

I don't send my child to school so you can bully them. If you are stressed...stay home 

If you have a problem...get help

 I don't condone my child not following the rules and I will work with you to get order back in your classroom but don't touch my child

 I don't condone back talk and I will put a stop to that

 but don't touch my child 

I will be respectful if you had to remove my child from your class 

but don't touch my child

 I taught my child not to allow anyone to touch her 

and if they do she has the right to defend herself 

so don't touch my child 

because if you do...we Will have a problem.

This latest incident is disturbing in and of itself but the added fact that it was a Police Officer towering over a seated child touches again on poor police policies and training. Are we suppose to teach our children to fear the very same people that are suppose to protect them? How would this have played out if the roles were reversed? I don't even want to get into the race card that is a whole other post. But we saw the Police Officer and young lady in the bathing suit this summer now this...what next?

illustration by positivediscipline.com

-talk with you children

-teach them it is not ok for a teacher to touch them

-teach them police are not suppose to hurt them

-let them know you support them if they walk away from a teacher to get help

-talk with them about ways to handle not agreeing with their elders

-encourage them to share with you if they have been bullied by an adult

What do you think? Are there exceptions to an adult touching your child? Do you think any of these children in these events regardless of reason, deserved to be mistreated? Have you ever spoken to your children about questioning authority or do you think adults should never be questioned by children? Let's talk share start a conversation

Always stress free xo

Mari

Honoring our History Truthfully

Good Morning! Happy Sunday to all and I truly hope we all had an awesome productive week.

I have had several teaching moments this week I want to chat about. The first one was looking through some old drafts I have saved and just left alone because of FEAR. As I reread them I was surprised at how much I had shared and how open I had been about my opinions and experiences on certain issues. I guess that is the reason they are still in my draft folder...because they are too REAL.

That brings me to my second lesson and that came to me through a wonderful conversation I had midweek with the lovely Kesha from Uncommonchick.com. Her brand focuses on living your best Extraordinary Life, your Truth and facing your Fears. Our phone conversation was very informative and encouraging. Just the right push I needed to continue working on my own true path. Go check her out it is full of humor and lots of love.

My third lesson ties in with the first two and that was this news clip I came across in regards to information in a school textbook.

A ninth grader working on his school World Geography/History lesson came across misrepresentation of a major part of our Geography/History. He showed it to his mother and his mother chose to step forward instead of hiding back. The lesson was on Slavery and Slaves being described as "Workers" and not being truthful on depicting the forced migration. She was able to contact the publishers to make some adjustments but as she pointed out that won't be enough in the long run.
http://news

That made me think of the countless times my daughter would comment on similar things while she was growing up and doing her own home work. When she was in elementary school and would talk to me about what she was learning in her own History classes or Science class or English class. How during her years in H.S. she would comment on it being more acceptable to actually disagree and question some of the things she had read growing up and how today when she sits with me and speaks about her College classes she still refers to her younger years as a time of being taught lies.

As a parent I surely don't want to hear this and have no idea on even how to go about making any changes but this mom in this article showed me that in just acknowledging it and speaking about it something can be done even if just in your home or with your peers.
For so long we have allowed so many truths to be swept under the rug and for so many people to be devalued. For so long we have continued to just go along with the program as if the program wasn't flawed.

When as parents we continue to allow our children to believe the things they read and hear knowing they are not true we are not being good parents. We may not be able to go back and have every textbook rewritten but we can surely start educated conversations at home. We can discuss with more knowledge and better tools subject matters that we know more information about today.

We know now that many of the lessons in textbooks about Native Americans and Spanish Explores for example do not paint the whole picture. We also know that depending on where you grow up and what you are able to have access to is what allows you to become more educated and again give all people the value they deserve.
Allowing our children to question and form their own opinions is priceless. We should never extinguish that light or tenacity.

So what can we do as parents to ensure that what our children are learning and what we are investing our hard earn money on is of value? I certainly won't suggest we actually read our kids textbooks ourselves because most of us just don't have that sort of time but I will suggest the following:

-have daily wrap up conversations on what they have learned in school that day
-encourage them to share on a particular lesson and hear their take on it
-keep things lite, don't be overbearing in your delivery of what your take is but instead encourage additional research
-go on dates to the library or museums
-sit with your child on the computer and research together
-make learning fun
-teach them respect and to value all human life
-encourage them to learn about other cultures and religions so that they may respect even if they don't agree
-encourage free thinking. they don't have to believe everything the Teacher says, they should feel they have the right to question and do so with respect

illustration by unknown

These are just a few suggestions there are many many ways to help our children become better informed. These suggestions and tools can very well be carried over to our personal lives as well. Sometimes as we become adults we tend to try and sugar coat or wash away our past mistakes and history. We begin to omit certain parts of ourselves as we meet and begin to build with others but what we fail to understand and respect is that nothing in the end is hidden.

History whether its world or personal will always repeat itself if we don't learn the lessons in the mistakes left behind. We can't build on lies we have seen the results time and time again. We see it daily on the news in Corporations, we see it in human Suffering and we see it in our neighbors backyard.

I started my post with my comments on my draft folder and FEAR. I said I couldn't believe how REAL I had been so I imagine that must be the case with those that sit down to write about world events. Honoring our History Truthfully may not be easy but it is far less painful in the long run.

What do you think? Is teaching our children some of the harsh realities of life early on a good parenting skill or something we should try to avoid for as long as possible? Do you think that not questioning the education system is beneficial to our society? What are your thoughts on personal history? Is it ever ok to paint a different picture of our past?
Please stop to comment and share your thoughts, let's start a conversation.

Always stress free xo
Mari

Pay Attention to Life

Nothing surprises me more than when I'm in my quiet moments and I begin to smile thinking about "this is so not where I thought I would be by now"in my life types of moments.

illustration by learnshedlive.com

In my younger days it would cause me such panic and distress to have these thoughts but today I am grateful to have them and be able to smile. What has happened to me to change my reactions? Well a few things have happened and the deepest one was learning to change my perspective.

As parents we all know that our children can take us off our set plans in a matter of seconds and to those of us who tend to be control freaks, such as I have been it can really cause turmoil inside and outside of our bodies and our minds. It is by trial and error that as we mature we learn the skills to cope with such change in circumstances.

I had a wonderful conversation with my daughter on Friday night, she slips into my bedroom and lays on my chase lounge fluffs the pillows and begins to talk. I was on my IPad researching and web browsing not really anything important but I was sort of hoping the "talk" wouldn't be very long and then she said something..."I'm going to follow my own rules, I am going to build my own life, not what someone else has "designed" for me." At that moment I shut off my pad and looked at her and really listened.

That "talk" I was hoping to just rush through lasted until 2:30 in the morning. It touched on so many topics, history, race, relationships, politics, fashion, family, money the works. But of all the words that were exchanged and all the opinions the one thing I hold on to was having the opportunity.
The opportunity to sit with my daughter and just talk. The opportunity to be present in the moment and just listen.

illustration by kazoo books.com

Everyday we are bombarded with the need to have more, do more, be more, get more... I recently signed up for The Mindfulness Summit its 31 days full of tools and talks on how to be more Mindful.
Several years ago when I first started to practice Yoga and Meditation I had to really take some time to grasp exactly what Mindfulness was. Prior to that my last relationship was full of lessons and talks on just that I just wasn't paying attention.

So to keep it as simple as possible and to share how I keep this tool in use on a daily basis this is how I remember what Mindfulness is:
-Mindfulness is remaining in the moment as if your life depended on it, as if this was all there was, without judgment, without looking for an outcome, just being, breathing and taking it all in.

As if your life depended on it, can you imagine that? Can you imagine living and interacting with others as if your Life depended on it? As if there was no other time but right now?
That is what I practiced as I listened to my daughter speak. I may not get that moment again. I may not get her strolling in my room to "talk" again. I must Pay Attention.

illustration by collettebeck.com

I went to visit my grandmother and bring her groceries. I walked in the door she asked who I was then smiled, took my hand and said hello, I paid attention. I looked her in the eyes and saw the joy she had in that moment, even if it was gone shortly after. I put the groceries away, gathered her dirty laundry and was on my way out the door to the laundry room and she says, "where are you going?" I tell her I am going to wash her clothes and she seems sad as if she was loosing something so I stop. I put the bag down and sit with her. I hold her hands, kiss her cheek, hug her tight and then she smiles. I get up and walk to the door I tell her I will be right back and she says ok. She is content, she feels safe, she knows I am not leaving her. I paid attention.

Do we always know the "why" behind our actions? Oh I am sure we think of course we do, we aren't crazy. We work long hours to make money to provide our families with security. We go to school to get better educations to get better jobs to make more money to provide for our families. It's always a cycle of doing something "more". There is nothing wrong with more if you also know how to balance  it with less.

How can we do that? How can we find that balance? Well as a woman and a mother who always likes things in order and who in the past was sometimes just going from one task to another once I began to do the following Life became more pleasurable:

-Breathing, something we do without even thinking. Only when we are sick do we even acknowledge its true importance. Take a few minutes out of your day to just Breathe. Deep and long close your eyes and release all that stress of Life.
-Looking, really See what is in front of you. The trees, the grass, the cars, people. You will notice just how many of us are looking down. No one is making eye contact any more and you will begin to experience a sadness and a loss. This will bring you to...
-Appreciate, small things. The sound of kids laughter, finding that piece of gum lost in your bag, catching the bus just before it closed its doors. That last flower in your garden that doesn't want to give way to the next season.
-Tasting. When was the last time you really tasted that Ice Cream you bought and ate as you watched television? How about that great meal at that fancy restaurant it took you over a month to get reservations? How did it taste? Was it mouth watering and did the scents fill the air or where you too busy talking that you didn't notice? Were you rushing to the next drink or dessert to Pay Attention?
-Grateful for the chance. Any chance to live another day. To be able to try something new or to do better than the last time. To see and be with those I love and not be quick to move on the the next.
-Smile. I love to smile, I have the parentheses around my mouth to prove it. But to smile just because is such an amazing feeling. To smile because you can walk, talk and listen. Smile because you can hear, even what you are hearing is unpleasant. Smile because you can and should and because you Pay Attention to Life.

illustration by artisticstateofmind.nl

Hope you guys go check out The Mindfulness Summit, there is something for everyone there and I hope you start Living your best life and Paying Attention. Please comment and tell me what tools and practices you use to Live a more purposeful life.

Always stress free xo
Mari

What isn't meant to Bend will Break

My lovelies, I have a question for ya.

Have you ever tried to force something into a place? A hanger, a box, a drawer, your car even? Can you remember what happened? Did it break, did you get hurt, was it frustrating? I'm going to safely say Yes to all of the above. Did this happen to you several times before you learned your lesson or was that one time more than enough?

Today my thoughts wondered towards bending and breaking. Either we can be flexible or we can remain rigid.

illustration by 99wallpapers.xyz

Over dinner the other night a friend of mine was sharing their Face Book timeline. One I can't stand FB and two I don't like gadgets at the dinner table but I let this one slide because of a comment that was made. "Look at so and so in this picture, it almost looks staged. Look at their other pics they all look the same, the expressions don't seem genuine." As I looked through myself I had to unfortunately agree. It did seemed staged, like they were some sort of characters.

Human connections are a tricky thing you may be able to fool some half the time but you won't fool all most of the time. No matter how hard you try to fake or force something, the cracks eventually start to show up.
So remember my earlier question? Forcing things into places they don't belong? Well I have suffered from that myself a few times, literally. I've broken nails, dropped drawers, broken hangers, almost broke one of my toes all because I was forcing something that wasn't meant to fit. I've held on to people in my life that weren't able to bend so eventually we broke.

illustration by pinterest.com

My daughter and I continue to get along because I have learned how to Bend. I don't get stuck on mother label or parent role, I work at being flexible and taking every issue on its own merit. I don't lump all things together or look back at how I did things when she was younger because hello, she is now twenty years old. But because I want us to continue to grow and be close and because I love her, I Bend.

My parenting style has pretty much always been this way. I never wanted to be too much of this or that I wanted balance. I wanted communication, I wanted respect. I am all about balance.
Some parents don't know when to step in or when to pull back. They either do too much or too little but the interesting thing about that is that if we were to pay attention to our connection with our children they let us know what they need by their actions. I actually believe this can also be said about most relationships in our lives.

How can you tell what is needed?
-when you see disinterest, ask a specific question. What's wrong, isn't specific enough
-when there is lots of chatter, just listen
-when emotions are too heated, take a break
-when feelings are not being respected, no one walks away feeling loved
-when guidelines are challenged, it's time to revisit the rules
-when there is silence, it doesn't always have to be a bad thing
-when a dilemma is presented, you don't always have to provide an answer. Again, just listen

illustration by inspirationboost.com

What do you have to say? Please share your experience, have you pushed an object or an issue until you hurt yourself in the process? Have you learned to bend as you have gotten older or is it still difficult for you? How big of a role does communication play in learning how to bend? Can't wait to read your comments.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Am I to Blame for...

Ah, being a grown up...gone are my days of not giving a *ish about my neighbors, community, society, whats going on in the news etc but instead just solely caring about me and anything that touched me directly...immediately. Like what outfit I was going to wear, when I was going to meet up with my friends, what to have for lunch, what movie should I go and see, should I give that guy my number.

Then I became responsible for myself and had to think about how much rent I could afford, is this neighborhood safe, can I cover those extra bills, is lunch with my friends really that important, how long will my commute be, do I really want to live that far from blah blah blah...then came the real kicker my lil mama!

Is this school going to be safe, what's the neighborhood like in the summer, is there a grocery store near by, can she walk to school alone, is there diversity, are there other kids around for her to play with, how far is the public transportation, is this apartment big enough for us for this price, can we afford to live here and still have a life, what are the after school programs like, what's this schools rating and so on and so forth.
I am sure my mom thought of some of these for me as well but not to the lengths that I did while my daughter was coming up. I am sure that her main concern was cost first safety a close second and comfort a third. She wasn't concerned about enjoying her environment but instead on providing a roof for her family she could afford and still keep food on the table.

As I strolled through my old stomping grounds in Brooklyn last weekend I was shocked and saddened and disappointed. I visited Bushwick, Downtown Brooklyn, Williamsburgh, Sunset Park and Bensenhurst. For those not familiar with New York City these are areas within the borough. We have 5 boroughs each borough is broken down into sections maybe something similar to what could be called counties in other states?

Anyway I walked past my old apartment buildings, old schools, old playgrounds and couldn't believe some of the changes. On the grand scale I would say the changes were beautiful. New buildings, stores, schools, new people, new vibe but on the smaller scale the changes meant that some people had now been pushed away, priced out. I don't want to say that a lot of the changes I saw I didn't enjoy or find use for but as I strolled along and took in the scenery I began to think of this...

Will I be priced out of my own birth place as time goes by? Will I be pushed out the way to make room for new faces? Guess what? I already have been. There is no way with my current salary that if I wanted to move I could afford to live in any of my old blocks. The rents have doubled and even tripled in some of these places. My beloved Brooklyn, the apple of my eye NYC is just becoming to pricey for me.

But who's to blame? Is there just one right answer? Is it even fair to start to point fingers? Life isn't fair we hear it all the time. The rich get richer the poor get poorer. There is a fantasy out there that if you work hard enough you will make it. That the dream of living a comfortable life is attainable by all, that the playing field starts off equal but it is not. It never has been and I think it will take a miracle for it to ever be. I don't knock the haves for wanting more or for what they already have what I do say is why take away what little the have nots have just to suit yourself?

illustration by petapixel.com

Why can't neighborhoods and schools and communities be repaired and renewed for those already there? Why can't it seem worth the effort to improve the life of all our neighbors instead of just some? Why does an area only have value if you remove its past? My mother worked many long hard years in the factories in Williamsburgh around the North side in the days when you could hardly catch a cab and the buses always ran late. Where you didn't see a lot of trees and the playgrounds were empty. Today you walk around and those days are gone. All those years she put into working there and today she wouldn't even be able to live there.

All those business all those families, gone, pushed away, bought out. And bought out for amounts that couldn't even get them a decent fresh new start. We all know times are hard all around, some have it harder than others but hard none the less. Where do we look to for the answers? Do you even really know what is going on around you?
Gentrification? do we even know what it means? Have you even heard of it before? Simply put its removing the poor to accommodate the middle class (which really doesn't even exist anymore) and the wealthy. You remove them from their neighborhoods to rebuild, renew and generate more money but in someones eyes that can only be done by taking the people that are less than or have less than away.

illustration by rsvlts.com

I'm embarrassed to say that I only became familiar with this word about a year ago when I went to pick up a friend in Bed Sty, Brooklyn. I drove down a street and I literally thought I was in SoHo (a section in Manhattan). I had to do a double take. When he came out his building I had to ask what the heck was up here and he said "oh its all part of the Gentrification of this neighborhood". I was at a loss for words. From that moment on I see this in so many places, it's hard to ignore.

I don't believe it's just a NYC issue I am sure it is happening in other places, other towns and cities where certain spots were not favored as much but are now booming with revitalization and growth. I am sure that my generation is more aware of the changes as we start to plan for our days after college tuition payments and into retirement. I know I sat the other night with my current numbers and it wasn't looking so good.

illustration by urban75.org.

So again I ask Who is to Blame? Is it an individual problem or a problem of a collective group? Is it just on me to find a means to increase my salary but pay more for services and still figure out how to get ahead or is it up to developers to take into consideration where they want to rebuild and how to include the people who already live their while not taking away from their profits? Do we penalize parents for barely making ends meet or do we say development is good but let's all work together?
Would it help or hinder businesses who wish to revitalize certain areas if they worked along with the current community?

I know there may not be a quick fix or easy answer but I believe that we are in much need of communications to start. We can't continue to just sit idly by and shrug our shoulders and say this is just how things are. I have always taught my daughter to question and to look for several options. I would hate that I would not at least be afforded the option to continue to live in the city I love as I get older.

What do think about Gentrification? Have you seen it in your own neighborhood? What do you suggest is a good balance for growth? Share your experience, lets talk.
ny.curbed.com
huffingtonpost.com
.governing.com

Always stress free xo
Mari