Date Nights are a Must

illustration by istockphoto.com

Dolls, how are we doing with our Date nights?

Does your work day seem endless? Your friends leaving you behind because you can't commit?
Calender full till end of the month?
You and your honey can't seem to be available on the same day?
Well how about we schedule one? Every month without fail?

As parents we tend to forget we are also adults and need alone quality time with our adult friends and with our partners. So just like we schedule their play dates why don't we begin to schedule ours?
Lately I've been finding that some couples are finally catching on to these scheduled "grown up" time which I think is great. I also feel confident when I run into more and more social groups geared towards Single parents.These dates are very important. They keep us connected intimately to our partners and help in continuing to strengthen bonds with our friends, give us time to release stress, regroup and reconnect in ways that have nothing to do with our kids but everything to do with our family unit and our individual self.

illustration by 123rf.com

Let's not forget we have a life outside of our children.

Date nights for me now that my Lil Mama is older are much different than they use to be but still important none the less. I still have to plan and adjust our schedules sometimes but the great part about our kids growing older is there will come a time you won't have to worry about getting back home and then having to deal with a lil one in the morning.
You will get to sleep in while they make you breakfast for a change!

illustration by dreamstime.com

Single or Married, committed or not adult interaction shouldn't be neglected. And we shouldn't fool ourselves that we just don't have the time or we will get to it later.

So let's go catch a movie, a quiet dinner, go dancing. How about a night at a hotel with a Spa treatment in the morning? A weekend away with the girls or the guys? Anything that is for you and not kid related go out and do. Remember to always have fun, just because you are a parent doesn't mean it’s not allowed.
It totally is.

What do your date nights consist of? Are they once a week, a month or a year? What sort of activities are you taking part in that are just for adult time?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Personal Inventory

Hey loves what's new and exciting in your world?

Today's share comes from my daughter, with her permission of course. I try to respect her privacy as much as possible so when ever I share something specific in connection with her I always ask first.

The other day I'm home eating dinner alone before I headed out for my walk. Lil mama was in school it was her late night. It was after six when she calls me to chat about her day and I just listened as I ate. It was as usual another enlightening convo hearing my daughters views on the world. Listening to her share her day and classroom experiences. Towards the end of the convo she asks me if I read her email, I said no. I told her "your mama only checks her emails three times a day. After 10am, at 3:30 and between 6/7pm" She responded "ok great I like that, I don't want you consumed with checking in." I said "no, I'm totally not."

She said "ok well I sent you an email today I want you to read. I wanted to share it especially with you." I said "ok when I hang up I will open and read." We said our I love u's and see you laters and hung up. I took a sip of my lemon water and proceeded to open her email this is what I read...

So I was given an assignment at school that said to write a page about how you want people to see you. I decided to share this with you guys because I think an important part of becoming the person you want to be seen as, has alot to do with the people close to you holding you accountable for the things you say. This is kind of like, if I ever stop being the person I talk about in this paper, use this and remind me lol. Also thank you for supporting me, and mami specifically, for being the biggest thing to shape my life. I only had one page so I tried to just focus on myself and your role is 4 pages minimum of writing. My existence and accomplishments will ALWAYS be owed to you firstly and you are ALWAYS my biggest source of inspiration and motivation. Please don't text me an emotional response because I don't want to start crying in class lol. Love you guys

illustration by sourceofincome.com

As I dabbled lightly on my tears I opened the attached doc and this is what I read...

Erica xxxxxx

Prof D

MGT 3120 FTA​​​​​​​​​​9/5/16

Personal Inventory

​I think we cannot speak about the type of person we want others to see us as if we do not consider our parents, and which parts of them we have tried to emulate growing up. I grew up in a family that was not close, with 2 parents who were extremely independent individuals. They never treated me as a child who wasn’t capable of understanding the outside world and all its complications, but rather found ways to explain things within the scope of my lived experience up to that point. More importantly, they fostered my own independence. While this independence truthfully gave way to some issues with authoritative figures, it also helped me have a clear understanding of which rules in life are valid and which are based in fear, ignorance, or control. My parents never placed themselves or any adults around me to be seen as “all-knowing” figures to be blindly respected, and so I have not viewed adults that way and have in many ways forced them to see me as an equal.

As my mother was the more cautious of the two, I strove to be more like my father, thrill seeking and seemingly fearless. Exuding this confident energy and a street smarts that would save you from virtually any circumstances. My parents were unapologetically themselves and rose me to be the same way. I want people to see me as someone genuine, who is secure in my identity and in my individual path. Growing with this independence, as I entered the work force at 16 years old, it was time to apply what I had seen, and to begin shaping what position I wanted to have relative to our economic world. I began working in fashion, and developed a passion for every aspect of the industry. This developed my taste for more expensive things naturally, and a desire for a far more luxurious lifestyle than either of my parents could ever afford me. So once again this became another facet of my independence, pushing to escape the economic status I’d been born into. I want to be seen as someone who works hard and takes great pride in everything they do.

I realized a big part of growing in this industry was investing in yourself. Being so aesthetic based, this became another crucial part of my identity. I want people to see me, aesthetically, as someone who takes risks. I believe the way we present ourselves in any setting allow people to make many judgements of us, and with that being said, the way we dress should be an extension of our personalities. I have worked as a personal stylist for the last 2 years and so much of my work with my clients is psychological; it is about finding pieces that speak to their energy and lifestyle and not about what any magazine says we should wear. I strive for people to see me as someone not afraid to be alone in my opinions. In this industry, there is so much sameness as many brands make the crossover to corporations and I want to enter it as someone who truly believes fashion is art, and deserves to be seen as such, not diluted into varying uniforms. I want people to see me as an artist. Art in all aspects is my passion, and defining myself as an artist, has completely changed the way I view the world. This brings me to my entrepreneurial venture as a designer, building an independent label, and defining myself as an entrepreneur. I believe ultimately being a successful entrepreneur is about forging your own path, your own rules, and proving things can always be done in so many different ways. I want people to see me ultimately as someone who set goals for themselves and was fearless enough to actually accomplish them.

illustration by fearlessmotivation.com

I chose to share this with you so you can get a better picture of the beautiful young woman I am blessed to call, my daughter and to affirm that anything is possible if we build strong respectful connections with our children and always keep communications going. Think we can all benefit from Personal Inventory? Share your thoughts. 

Always stress free xo, 

Mari

When Budgeting isn't the Problem

Every first of the month I do a finance review. I look over my bank statements and see how I have been spending my money. Sometimes I get up from that table pretty upset. I see way to many trips to CVS or Walgreens and I shack my head. I know I haven't used my money wisely. The family I was born into and the resources available to them and later on to me didn't leave room for many extras. I try not to repeat history but sometimes I fail.
You hear or read so often about how money doesn't bring you happiness but my perspective is that those who say that have it and don't know how to use it.

My daughter and I had a great conversation the other night in reference to finances. Being a product of two parents who have struggled with money issues in various degrees throughout their life time she has a very strong do's and dont's approach when it comes to money.

Being a single mother today I want to make sure that my daughter has put in place certain safety nets that she can grab on to later in life. One of those is investing. I have always felt that investing is one key to financial stability but my daughter has a different take on that. She feels investing is great but we need to invest on ourselves and not someone else's product.

illustration by debtfreeadventure.com

She believes investing is not for the poor or "middle class" unless you have large amounts of money that you are not solely relying on. She uses my desire to buy Google and Apple stock all the time. She always forces me to ask myself the question "how much stock do you think you will need to own in order for you to see some sort of financial reward?" The answer unfortunately is always the same...a lot.

So what's a person to do when you want to build financial security? When your last name isn't Kennedy or Wayans or Trump or Kardashian?

For me budgeting isn't the problem. I don't have issues following a budget my problem is that my financial responsibilities exceed my monthly income. So whats a person to do when this is the card they are dealt? I've implemented a few things in my life that allow me to not stress out as I did when I was younger.

-$25.00. That is my go to number when it comes to saving. I have that amount automatically deducted from my account weekly and deposited into my Emigrant Direct account. I don't concern myself with where is the interest higher because unfortunately it isn't in many places right now but at least if I need money for a car repair or emergency, that stash is there.

-52 week challenge. I've done it twice and twice it saved me from tough spots. Again some people unless they see a large number never feel they are doing enough but small steps become giant leaps.

-tax refund. Stop thinking that your refund is extra money, it isn't. It's actually money you could have been receiving in every paycheck if the correct taxes are being taken out. Why struggle during the year only to get a lump sum in the end and waste it? Speak to your accountant or someone else that has knowledge you can benefit from, look into your options. For those who still enjoy getting that lump "extra", use it to open an IRA or save it!

-repurposing items. By this I mean I try never to buy new I look for used or start "shopping" in my own home first. We tend to have things in closets that with a little imagination, creativity and a few dollars can become new again.

-thrifting. my daughter put me on to this one. Many people use a great quality item once and discard, why not be the happy recipient of that item!

illustration by quotes gram.com

-clothes shopping second hand. ThredUp is my go to. The quality is amazing and the prices are great. Again why spend more when you can save more.

-coconut oil. This may sound ridiculous but have you calculated how much we spend, especially women on face and hair products and shaving needs? Walk around your house and start adding the numbers...you will be floored. I purchase a large jar and use it for everything. From makeup removal to toast spread to shaving to hair mask. Google all its uses save some money.

-addictive email. Remove yourself from all store emails! You don't need to be alerted on every sale. When you need you search, you shop around then buy.

-store brands.I have for many years used store brands over name brands. CVS for example has wonderful paper products that are just as good or even better than Bounty or Charmin. Don't get stuck on Labels.

-know what you owe and know what you make. Many of us are afraid to really look at those numbers but when you do they liberate you. It doesn't mean that a miracle will happen over night and your paycheck will grow, but it does mean you will be more aware of where what you do have is going. Cut corners wherever you can, every little bit helps. I use to grab some goodies at Dunkin Donuts every day, now I shop at Western Beef once a week and pick up goodies to bring from home.

These are just a few of the things I use in my life to remain stress free. I don't deprive myself of fun or luxuries I just look for inexpensive ways of doing them. I love my time at the Salon, I love eating out, I enjoy decorating my apartment, I have a nice car but all with mindful living. Not to mention I have a daughter in college and we have another year or so to go.

Living comfortable is possible but only if you stop looking in someone else's window or scrolling through someone else's Face Book. Work with what you have and don't be afraid to say I'll pass and learn to hibernate. It is totally ok to sit some things out.

illustration by page covers.com

What tips and tricks do you use to better stretch your money. How do you save for emergencies and entertainment? What are your thoughts on investing for financial security? Would love to read your comments.

Always stress free xo,
Mari

Never to Early to start Saving

illustration by blog.credit.com

Happy Sunday, hope everyone is doing well. It's a beautiful sunny day today in NYC so I hope to take my camera out on a date later. As I enjoy my breakfast and clean out my inbox I came across my daughter's reminder that Tuition is due soon and that got me thinking...
My inbox is full of crap literally. I just finished deleting about 15 emails dealing with what I must have this coming Christmas or the top ten gift ideas blah blah. Sometimes I just hate the awareness I now have about living in such a society of Consumption. Oh no stop here you need this or don't worry by it now you can pay later.

I remember always feeling these pressures in my younger years and once I had my daughter the additional pressure of certain holidays and what the outside world was telling me I was suppose to be doing or wanting.

I am hear to tell you parents of small little kiddies...DON'T FALL FOR IT!!!

illustration by wahm.com

Save your money as our little ones get older things only become more expensive and College Tuition is no joke. I won't say I didn't do something to get off on the right foot but I definitely didn't do enough. I am grateful that my lil mama's school isn't over the top expensive but it is still a dent on my weekly paycheck and that is just tuition I am not even touching on her text books. What about those kids that go away and now you have to add dorm life and food!!!

So I am here to make a few suggestions and share a few tips to get you looking at a smoother ride.

-start a college fund the minute you know you are expecting even if $25.00 a week
-reduce the holiday gifts and instead stick to a reasonable number and put rest away
-if your child is gifted money divide it in half this way they enjoy some and you save the rest
-teach them work ethic and encourage summer jobs again encouraging them to say a portion of what they make this way they too have an investment in their future
-once they enter H.S. begin to research scholarship options and look into all the programs you may qualify for

illustration by listenmoneymatters.com

-be aware that unfortunately even if you are living paycheck to paycheck after a certain annual salary number you will not be able to be considered for certain scholarships or assistance
This happened to us and no matter my daughter's grades or class ranking or fact she was a female and a minority none of that mattered she didn't qualify for anything in their eyes I made too much money.
-be realistic don't pressure yourself or your kid(s) to only consider a certain school keep all options open be aware a name doesn't always mean better education it could well just be a networking situation
-start conversations early about ways to save for College, let your kids know what you truly can and can't afford
-Don't borrow unnecessarily. Let loans and grants be your last resort

Two income households may have a little cushion but even still with today's economy that is not even true anymore and those with one income such as myself I won't even go into how close we cut it week to week. So again start early!

We want to enjoy our lives we want to experience new adventures and we want to look forward to our children growing up and moving out so we can move on to our next chapter of our own journeys but it won't be any fun or stress free if we are worried about finances.
Again remember...
-be realistic
-communicate well
-look into all your options
-AND start early

illustration by forbes.com

I am sharing some links I myself looked into when I started my own journey I am 3 years in almost done it isn't and hasn't been easy but I am blessed to be able to help my lil mama and lil mama helps me.

gma.yahoo.com

savingforcollege.com

cnbc.com

What do you think? Any other tips you can share? What about your own journey? Did you just start or perhaps even finished? I would like to hear how you have dealt or deal with it.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Making room for Changes

Sugar & Spice & Everything nice.
This is the tag connected to girls from an old nursery rhyme.

I found it funny that this came to mind as I sat in my daughter's room over the weekend as she cleaned out her closet and toy chest.

A little back story my daughter is now 19 years old and a Sophomore in Baruch College in NYC.
She is not a baby anymore for sure but she is my baby.

So I sat there as we chatted, laughed and listened to music. She had commented earlier in the week that her room was too cluttered with stuff she had outgrown and needed to make some changes.
As I watched her take stuff out her toy chest and make piles and go into her closet and add to the piles I thought "Wow, some of this stuff is not sugar & spice or at least not by some definitions."

I realized that all these things and access to these things are the ingredients that have added to the young woman who is, my daughter.

It is a shame that we continue to allow society to dictate the categories we fall under.
What roles women are "suppose" to play and what men are "suppose" to do.
I have touched on this in the past with posts like boys-go-through-this-too and what-it-means-to-be and I always make mention of allowing kids to be kids and not boxing them in.

As I continued to watch and with every piece she was letting go of I was going down memory lane I embraced the continuing change in our lives. All the little things that had a part in building this person.
My little girl was letting go of:
-lego sets
-dolls
-video games and consoles
-handheld electronic games
-Yu-Gi-Oh cards
-Razor scooter
-board games
-graphic T-Shirts
-Mattel toy cars
-bag of plastic bracelets
-RV mini race cars
-Sony psp and accessories
just to list a few.

illustration by dayofthegirlssummit.com

In those piles I didn't see many "girl" toys but I did see many happy memories. Many good times, lots of laughs, lots of lessons learned, lots of great family moments, lots of love.
I saw innocence, childhood, freedom.
So for my daughter, for our family and for me that indeed was Sugar & Spice & Everything nice.
We were raising a happy, well balanced, open minded human being. Not a wife or cook or librarian or teacher or waitress but a human being. Now, if she so chooses any of these roles for herself in the future than we will continue to be as supportive as we always have been. But she has choices.

What have your kids out grown and were they gender specific or just good ole let's have some fun toys?

Always stress free xo.