Does hearing "I'm a Package Deal" cause automatic Warning signs?

illustration by photonoodle.net

Happy Sunday I got up pretty early today I might add even surprised myself. I invested some time with my plants then revamped my bedroom closets and finished with sitting down to have some breakfast while I looked through some drafts and decided to go with this one today. Why I chose this topic is interesting because it actually came up in a conversation I had last night over dinner with a friend. I've had my perspectives for a while but listing to someone else who is dealing with dating while parenting lit the match I needed to share my thoughts. I am off to enjoy the rest of my sunny day happy read .


What's the right way or wrong way to handle ABC, seems to always be the focus on social media. Everyone has an opinion and not just an opinion but the "right" to post it and claim it as "truth" as an expert opinion. But who better to decide what is best for you or what works for you than...You?
As I mature I grow less and less comfortable with labels. I find them stifling to growth and development and I find they cause more separation than unity. I will admit that I too have been guilty of falling for that putting people under a certain label myself. Luckily I have a wonderful daughter who is teaching me better.

Because I have her and I am no longer with her father I happen to fall under the label of being a "single mom" and a "package deal". The package deal I have no issue with but the single mom thing pisses me off. You never hear "married mom" so why single me ( no pun intended) out? Why should I  conform to a label you chose for me and why are women ok with that? I am a woman and I am a mom, who happens to be currently single period. No I am not a "single mom" that is not WHO I am that is just a current circumstance. If I allow you to call me that or if I address myself as such I am boxing myself in to only an x amount of possibilities and you are not seeing me for me and all I have to offer.

illustration by twitter.com

Oh poor me I'm a single mom, what? Really? Why would you burden yourself with someone else's perception of who you are? Ok I get that being single and being a parent at times has its challenges but that is not going to define who I am. We all have challenges and being a women a good women is challenge enough. Which brings me to being a "package deal"

For weeks now I've been hearing and seeing stories about singer Ciara and her new boyfriend football player Russell Wilson. Her x and baby's father is having issues with this man having too much interaction with his child. Hugging or pushing the stroller, diaper changes, holding his hand etc etc. Really?
etonline.com, enstarz, nypost.com (links for background info)
You have an issue with someone treating your child with love and kindness? Your concerned and everyone else is concerned with how fast this guy is in this little boys life? His mother isn't capable of making that decision?

Here's my perspective...there is a difference between someone you are just having a good time with and someone who you see a possible future with. We sometimes get hung up on time tables but reality is that sometimes strong connections happen quickly and there is no right or wrong. Even more so this is still a little baby we are talking about, not a toddler or preteen.

As a woman and as I mom who has been single on and off since my daughter was about 12 years old my set meeting time was and has been about 3 months. That number works for me. It's long enough for me to have built some trust and comfort as well as feel easy having you in my personal space which includes my daughter. For me shorter than that is still not comfortable enough.

Dating and entering a relationship when you have children shouldn't be hard. It shouldn't be something you think about the so called right time to mention. I don't mean hi I'm so and so and I have 3 kids but I do mean a natural flow of conversation when you meet. It allows that person the choice to move forward or walk away. Then if they do decide to move forward you begin to set the stage for a comfortable meet. If at any moment you are feeling pressure for whatever reason then that is not the place for you. A "package deal" shouldn't carry a sting or a stigma it is just another circumstance that has come someones way.

illustration by ink361.com

After my daughter's father and I split up I had many conversations with my lil mama about how eventually both her father and I would meet other people and start new relationships. How it didn't mean that we didn't have love for each other it just meant we had a different type of love now that we were no longer a couple. That we both were good people and deserved to find other people to share our lives with and possibly build a new family. That it would only mean her family would get bigger and be different but that it would be a family non the less.

As women with children we must venture into new relationships with certain set guidelines. One size doesn't fit all so we really can't try to copy everyone we see. What we can do is evaluate ourselves and what we are looking for then set the rules from there.
-do we have a limit on how many kids we ourselves are willing to work with?
-how does he express himself regarding children?
-is he close to his own kids, how does he speak about the x?
-when you mention this person how do your kids react?
-is he mindful of your responsibilities as a mother?
-is he demonstrating interest in connecting with your child?
-does he ask about your children voluntarily or is subject only bought up when you say something?

We as moms pretty much have an idea about people's feelings towards our children. I feel confident that most of the time we know when to keep talking or when to keep walking. Getting back to Ciara, from what I see I think for now the direction they are going seems positive and if he or any man period shows interest and love for another man's child I say let's give them a chance.

It bought joy to my heart and still brings a smile to my face to recall all the times I witnessed my x boyfriend show love and affection to my daughter. There is love out there for all of us we just can't limit ourselves to labels and being part of a "package deal" can actually just be an added bonus! Don't let it stop you.

Do you think labels on people serve a purpose? Would meeting someone in a "package deal" be an automatic turnoff? What would be some of your guidelines and rules? Share your point of view.

Always stress free xo.

Willing

I love when a poem or a song is so detailed and clear there is nooooooo way you can't get the message. I love that if you are shy or not good with expressing emotions there are so many tools you can gravitate to for some help.

Today I am going to chat a bit about expecting things from others that we ourselves may not be giving or willing to give. I've shared some of my experiences with dating again after years of being out of the game, back in the game then out again. I have plenty of treats coming your way but today let's start with Willing.

Ready, eager and prepared to do something is the definition but do we apply it to the way we approach connecting in relationships? When we as women begin to connect with men are we prepared and ready to compromise and communicate honestly and openly. Same question for men, are you ready and prepared to lay your cards down, to talk to listen?

illustration by pinterest.com

Our Willingness to bare our souls and to not let pasts failures creep into our now is tough at times, I won't lie I work on some of these daily myself. Dating in today's rules hasn't been easy but it's been totally doable because of my willingness to be clear. I am looking forward to connecting with someone who enjoys me, all of me. Yes dating can be a hit or miss sometimes a few misses more than a hit but I refuse to become jaded and say I am ok staying single. Why should I? I am still young and have a lot to offer. I actually feel sad for people of a certain age when I hear them speak and sound as if they have thrown in the towel. Why? You mean to tell me you are so set in your ways you are no longer eager to try connecting with someone else?

You mean to tell me no one can meet your standards? How high are you setting them, are they even realistic and would you meet those same standards if someone was measuring you by them? Don't get my words twisted, I am not saying aim low or reduce, I am saying compromise, be ready to give other options a try. Don't expect or ask for something you yourself are not giving, that's all.

I love this artist I am about to share on, Jill Scott. Her words move and inspire, uplift and question, show and tell. I am so glad that a friend of mine reminded me of her latest work and bought this track/interlude to my attention. It touches exactly what I mean about willing to give what you want to get. Willing to be clear and laying things out.

You want me flawless
You want me patient
And sweet
You want me willing
You want my honesty
You want me to be
Appreciative
Respect your space
Ignore your fears
You want spontaneity
A good girl and a freak
You want loyalty

You want something that you’re not willing to be

Expecting me to be loyal
Expecting me to be faithful

What do you think? Do you agree that you need to have equal expectations? Do you feel you should get more than you give? Do you believe that after a certain age there is just no point in dating? Let's start a conversation, tell me what you think.

Always stress free xo.

When doing the Right thing Sucks

Have you ever been in a situation where you knew what you had to do but hated doing it even though it was the right thing? Have you ever found yourself in a place you loved or speaking with someone you digged but it just wasn't the right time?

At some point we have all heard "right place at the right time". It could be work related when we really want to get that promotion or sports related when your in the field and want to stop the other team from advancing. It could be a chance to meet the love of your life.

illustration by pinterest

All these scenarios can have a variety of outcomes all because of where you may be at that moment. Now this is another Dating share, or none Dating as you will see as you read on. My single ladies, have you met that guy where you say "Damn, right guy wrong time?".  It's that place that experience and clarity have bought you to in life when your past mistakes turned into awesome lessons.

So I told you this was another one of my Dating shares or none Dating actually. What I mean is I met this guy, we hit it off from first glance, had several conversations all very informative. We had lots in common and some not so common experiences. We laughed, joked had great vibe. We shared the sort of things we were looking for in a connection. We spoke about past relations and the lessons those bought to us today, we exchanged thoughts on numerous topics and we laughed some more. But...I was in a place where I had no baggage and I was clear to take off and he was grounded with excessive baggage he couldn't shack off.

illustration by pinterest.com

No amount of laughter, jokes or conversation is going to wipe that away. No amount of wishful thinking is going to make certain things disappear. It sucked to be in that position but I had to walk away. The right thing to do was acknowledging that the timing was wrong. To say oh it would have been nice but no. To behave like a "grownup", not throw a tantrum, not roll my eyes, not suck my teeth and just say goodbye.

illustration by boymeetsgirlspeeddating

Damn, doing the Right thing sometimes does Suck but I'll be better for it in the long run. Single ladies, keep your head up and continue to do the right thing.

Dating some Frogs to find your Prince.

The saying kiss some frogs till you find your Prince is funny but in the dating world at any age you can totally understand.

Since my reentry into the dating world these past few years I will affirm there are many many frogs. Not to discourage anyone or myself just keeping it real. What I will say about dating today in comparison to my younger days is the confidence. I know what I want and I know what I stand for. 

I want to share a particular experience. It's funny, not so funny but also long term lesson teaching. One I'm sure several people can relate to.

illustration by yteevents.com

It's a nice sunny day in NYC, time for festivals and fun. I'm over in Harlem about to catch TGT (Tyrese Ginuwine Tank) who were about to perform in an open stage. Lots of great food, people, etc...I was set to meet a girlfriend of mine earlier for brunch but she was running late so I ended up having brunch alone at a spot called Red Rooster. I had a great time eating alone, people watching etc...When I was done and as I'm walking around enjoying the sights I look up and lock eyes with some great eye candy! We both smile, look around then lock eyes again. Exchange hellos and comment on the day and the events going on around us. I then comment on his eyes. They were a shade of Hazel/Yellow type, they just hypnotized you. I stood there motionless.

Yes I know...how vain is that. But let's be honest we do focus on appearance first, how can you not.

Anyway we made some more small talk and he asked for my number, I said I don't give out my number but I would take his if he chose to share. He asked where I would be and I told him where I was headed and he said give me a call later maybe I can meet up with you and your friend and then we can grab something to eat. I said sure, and halfway through the performance I texted my location and he swung by. Great, great right?right. The chat during show was fun, my girlfriend was giving thumbs up, we were giggling etc... After the show we walked back towards places to eat, my girlfriend said she didn't want to be a third wheel so said her goodbyes and we picked a spot and ordered some food.

Introductions to who we were...the sharing part of the basics of our background. 1st red flag...how he spoke about his daughter's mothers. Yes mother's more than one. The words he chose and how his body language changed. 2nd red flag he really had very little interaction with his kids. But because I didn't want to judge I shrugged it off and gave him the benefit of the doubt. Dinner was great we chatted for several hours and parted ways. Options in the air to reconnect again for a second time.

illustration by mylot.com

Second meet; city sights, chatter and some food. Tiny flags popping up but again nothing I am stopping at and breaking down. We went out to numerous activities for about a month. To his credit I must say he was very charming, educated, creative, funny, well built, had his own place and was a hard worker. He had set high standards and goals for himself. I guess that is why I continued to give him some slight pass. All along the red flags never went away instead they just got stronger. Two things happened that stopped me in my tracks and I knew it was time to call it a wrap.

The first one was an evening we went to meet up with his cousin in Brooklyn, she was catching a show at BAM (Brooklyn Academy of Music). We were laughing it up, taking pictures, walking around and when she finally appeared it was a pleasant hello. We chatted it up and found a spot to grab a bite. We ordered some drinks, the place was Argentinian so I of course yapped it up in Spanish with the Bartender and other people around the bar. We were all having what seemed like a nice time until...her food came and she went off! She complained about everything and loudly. How her food lacked this item or that and she was not going to pay "that price" for what was on her plate. After a few minutes of that mess (I continued to go about my biz and ignored her. I was wishing I could disappear) the owner came around and apologized and we left there not paying a cent. As we walked to my car she just went on and on and Mr X was just adding to it and agreeing with everything she said. I said nothing, became invisible, drove her home and before I dropped him off (I was being polite) he made a comment in the car to which I said "her behavior and your response was extremely poor. There was no need for the circus that just took place and I don't do well with loudness and poor behavior. She could have totally handled that differently and you as her cousin could have deflected her tone in another direction." He just looked at me like I was crazy. Like what I said was out of this world and unimaginable. I said Goodnight and drove off.

illustration by 123rf.com

So you think I would have learned my lesson and lost the number but noooooooo. What I did instead was ignore Mr. X for about a week but since early on I had accepted an invitation to the San Gennaro festival in NYC we ended up going out again. This is the second thing. We are both sort of dressed up because we had a few stops in mind that day. We are walking through the crowds, enjoying the scene, music, food etc...we're walking down this block looking at the window displays when a gentleman and his lady walk by us. The man is also in a suit and he compliments Mr. X on his choice of nice black suit. Mr X says thank you with a few more words and we walk away.

As we walk away I am smiling laughing enjoying my stroll and I hear Mr. X mumble under his breath something to the effect of "blah blah stupid it isn't a black suit, its dark blue get it right". That was it! I stopped in my tracks and said "are you for real? Is that all you took from that exchange? You are way out of line." Mr. X says "oh here we go again, what is your problem, what's the big deal he shouldn't have gotten my suit color wrong." I said "seriously, its dark as heck out here and your suit is dark, why couldn't you just say thanks leave it at that instead of diminishing his compliment by focusing on such a small detail?" "That is very petty of you and you often show petty behavior and I am just very uncomfortable". He rolled his eyes and sucked his teeth, commented again he saw no big deal and I just walked ahead and straight to my car. He asked what happened to rest of our plans and I said I had changed my mind I would drop him off if he wanted but I was out.

illustration by wormsandgermsblog.com

We drove in silence I said Good night and never looked back. Now some may ask well if you knew what you wanted and what you stood for why so many chances? Well because I didn't want to be quick in judgment, I wanted to see if it was just me making something out of nothing or just genuine "oh no you not for me" I've been judged too quickly in the past and that isn't fair. Sometimes we don't present our best self in certain situations but it doesn't mean we aren't good. We are just having a bad moment.

Mr. X was making some career changes, life changes etc...so I credited his missteps to that. But they weren't that, he genuinely had jerk behaviors and traits. He literally didn't get it and didn't care either. Life was about him and his world had no room for empathy or respect for others. He didn't see anything wrong with saying the first thing that came to his mouth.

I don't regret my encounter with that frog. It taught me a lot about myself and my values. It taught me to be more mindful about falling for appearance. He was so good looking until he opened his mouth, perhaps if he would have spoken less things would have been better. I'd find moments I would look at him and say to myself "please just shut up. say nothing and look cute cause you are a hot mess". But that would have been a lie. After a while that eye candy would have turned into an eye sore.

Ladies and Gents keep me in mind next time great eye candy passes you by. Remember how I said I saw red flags from day one. Stay tuned for more date adventure shares and feel free to share with me your stories. I'd love to hear about the frogs you have run into.

Always stress free xo.

The Balance of Independence

As my Birth Day month soon draws to a close I wanted to sit for a moment and recap to myself what I thought were lessons I had learned this year. In the past just before my Birth Day arrives I review myself and my year and I give myself a grade.

Did I accomplish what I set out to do? Did I stick to my plans? How did I handle changes? Did I learn anything new? Did I help others? Did I make new friends and did I close any chapters in my life that needed closure?

This year I graded myself as ever changing, ever growing. Life can be bumpy as it is for me to be unkind to myself as well. Be kind to yourself, Always.

I wrote an independent piece for Women Connect Online womenconnectonline.com an awesome site dedicated to women, mothers, wives, singles etc...a great place with a vast collection of information and I am always happy to be part of anything sharing options and variations. They so graciously accepted and ran my post on 9/15/2014 that I would now love to share with you.

illustration by enpundit.com

Repost:
As a single woman in her early 40's I have found it a bit of a challenge to balance being an independent woman, strong and confident mixing in with the Dating world today.

I have been single now for over almost 3 years, dated several men during this time and chose to not date in 2014 so I could regroup and focus on what I wanted to come into my life.

I have been in 2 committed relationships in my life, one lasted 18 years and another 2 years.
What I learned from those unions was that you must accept your partner for who they are completely.
That you must not be in denial and think you will change them, yet be aware and clear that with respect and communication you can reach amazing compromises.
That relationships take effort, time and interest.

That you must like and enjoy this person outside of intimacy. That you never stop building the friendship so that all else continues to grow and flourish.

I learned that no one likes to hear and connect the words "hard work or work" when speaking of maintaining a relationship and I agree. I use to think that was the correct way to think of things but I have learned that no one really enjoys "work" and to most the idea and thought of "work" is a bit harsh and heavy.
If we are working 40 hours a week for example who then also wants to "work" at connecting with someone they love?

So this year has been a great lesson, those men I dated also taught me some great things.
Get to know yourself, be ok investing time on you, be clear in what you want and live life.
Be open to all possibilities, let go of the idea you have all the control because in reality we only have plans and goals but Life has its own way of sometimes presenting some bumps on the road and we must be able to breathe and be ok with that, let go and move on.
You attract what you put out, so make sure you are baggage free.

I have finally found the Balance of Independence.

Always stress free xo.

What is Dating?

That seems like a simple enough question…but sometimes as a parent it can be a question that turns your world upside down; or so you think.

Growing up my mother was “old school” no boyfriend till it was serious, which to her meant close to marriage age. Unrealistic to say the least, I mean all I wanted was to go to the movies or hang out in the park or a museum. Who was thinking of marriage at age 13 or even 15? Some of my friends on the other hand their moms were fine with them having boyfriends at 15 or 16 years old. Since I didn't have those options, I did things behind my mother’s back. I would stay after school late and say I was working on school projects, or at the library. I would say I was at a friend’s house but instead be at the park or at the movies. Harmless fun and small fibs but still deceitful none the less.

Since my mother was so ridiculous in her ways I of course chose to go the opposite direction.

I raised my daughter always knowing it was just as fine to have male friends as it was having females. She was aware that it was normal to like boys or girls as she got older and that if by age 13 she thought she liked someone that it was fine but she was not going to be allowed to go places alone or to get hung up on labels. She could go out as friends in a group to the movies, park etc.

Now I was not naive to think that at that age they may not be exploring just as we did in our time. I was just straight forward with my expectations and she knew it.

By the time my daughter was in H.S. she had several boys interested in her at different times. I just reinforced what I taught her years before. Enjoy the company, respect yourself and easy on the labels. The more you teach, the more you gain trust, the more they share.

Dating has different levels and degrees. Trust and believe all children do not have the same definition of dating so allow your children to guide you in their mindset by asking questions and being open.
Remember you were once that age too!!!

I am including two (2) links that touch on this matter. Let’s keep the conversation going?  What do you think? Share your experiences and comments, would love to hear.

http://www.cafemom.com/group/33200/forums/read/19042444/Is_13_too_young_for_dating
http://www.cafemom.com/group/advice/forums/read/18978391/Dating_Age