When Good Intentions are Not so Good

Hey dolls seems like we haven't chatted in a long time let me bring you up to date.
First Mommywood turned 3 in August and I don't know where the time has gone. I really am grateful to have a place to share my Life Experiences and perhaps help one person see there is another way. Second I just had a Birth Day the lovely 45 came around and I am soooooo loving it! Nothing like being in a good place in your life where all you are is grateful and see so many possibilities. Living mindfully will help you achieve that and just plain ole living, making mistakes and getting right back up.

Which brings me to the only damper I had on my Birth Day month. A meeting with a friend that turned into a sour event but I walked away with huge clarity none the less.
I don't want to get into a play by play and I don't want to sit in that experience for too long but I will share some highlights said friend feels the following...

• My priorities are wrong
• I am not enough of a Go Getter
• I am basically settling in Life
• I am filled with excuses
• I'll be in the same spot 5 years from now at rate I am going
• I am not aiming high enough
• I am not doing everything possible to be a Success

illustration by pinterest.com

Now to be fair I will say I am dealing with an extremely driven man. One I have known since we were 19 years old. One that I share things in my life with as most friends do. One who has overcome adversity and risen to the occasion and with that I say good for YOU.

Agreed that there are things I set out to do in my life that I have fallen short on. Agreed that there are just certain sacrifices I am just not willing to make and Agreed that we do have some things in common when it comes to how we grew up but we have had different life experiences and you can't judge people for those experiences. You can't paint with one broad brush how you will handle the things that come your way. Without getting into too many details I felt extremely judged.

illustration by quotefancy.com

How as my friend can you view where I stand today in life as a total failure? Sure you sprinkled in a few props and btw thanks but how as my friend knowing my history would you choose to speak in a less than emphatic form? Opinion and Advice and Suggestions are awesome but not at the expense of belittling the choices of others. How I feel and felt about our exchange is not his responsibility. Only we can control our emotions but it is important to express them as best we can in a respectful manner so you can get your point across. Perhaps the intent was to inspire by sharing his Life Experiences. Perhaps the intent was to encourage in his own way. I ended our conversation by saying "because I love you I will pay very close attention to all you have said." And I did and I have and this is what I came up with.

My measure of success is determined by me. My measure of happiness is determined by me. My measure of worth is determined by me.

illustration by quotefancy.com

• I learned that some people only see you as a success if they can see tangible evidence.
• I learned that for some picking your battles is not trying hard enough 
• I learned that everyone defines success by their own measure.
• I learned that I don't have to prove my success to anyone 

I was saddened I am saddened that a friend would view me as "less than" a success and perhaps to some it really isn't a big deal after all we were just two friends talking and he was just commenting on things we had shared in the past which is fine I get it I got it. But regardless of what your friend shares with you present or past kindness should never be spared. Mindfulness should never be an option it should always be a given.

illustration by hippoquotes.com

It takes courage, self love and respect to stand in your truth to shine in your own bright light. So if you find yourself surrounded by those who feel you haven't done enough, achieved enough, explored enough even sacrificed enough don't waiver in the knowledge that you have done enough as long as you are proud of that person who is looking back at you in the mirror. Share your thoughts and experience,

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Fifty Shades of Gray

Today I thought of you and most of the memories were happy ones. All the firsts I had with you, all the plans shared, all the goofy moments, all the inside jokes, even the tears shared when we realized our commonalities about our family history. Happy memories indeed.

Then...then I thought of our differences and just how strong those differences were and just how strong you were in holding on to your beliefs, so strong that you just up and walked away.

Then...then I thought about our last meet, all the things I wanted to say how many times I rehearsed what I thought would help us get back on the road...together. How nervous I was, how my stomach was like a roller coaster, how I stood in front of that mirror looking at my "outfit". How I walked to my car taking deep breaths like the air was about to finish, how I drove on instinct and got there so early I had to park and just let the time pass till our set date. You had allocated just "an hour" because you had other things to do and I was so grateful.

Then...then I thought about when I saw you walk out that building, a building I had stood in front of so many times and then I looked at your face and the person looking back at me was different.

illustration by pixteller.com

Today I thought about you and the moment in which you said "things are either black or white". "You either are one way or the other, its that simple."

But they aren't. You were wrong and it took me learning how to have true empathy to see that.

At the core we set standards, guidelines and expectations but as we flow, learn and grow we can choose to make adjustments to that core. Choose to make adjustments so that our foundation can hold us both as we are growing into our best self. Choose to grow in a continued direction of love and support or choose to grow in distance and unfamiliarity.

Fifty Shades of Gray a wonderful and freeing path to walk on. A path I walk every day and a path I choose to walk on every time I connect with someone new. Every time I speak about my expectations, my guidelines and my standards. 

Today I thought of you, I smiled and I thanked you for putting me on this great path with all these beautiful shades of Gray.

And here's a little gift from me to you The Good news about Feeling Bad

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Taking the Bitter with the Sweet

Hey Dolls happy Wednesday! Hope we are all doing well and getting ready for our weekend. I am super excited for my lil mama's big 21 on Saturday. Have all the food items bought and ready to go and I got her custom made balloons at Party City can't wait to share the pics with you soon.

Today as I sit in my office looking at the beautiful sunshine coming through my window I find my thoughts wondering to how in life certain occasions can be full of happiness but have a mini trail of sadness.

illustration by popsugar.com.au

How can it be the love of my life will be turning 21 years old and have no immediate relatives but myself to share in this moment? No over joyed grandparents, no excited aunts & uncles, no fun loving cousins, no beaming with pride Father? How can it be that what most of us grow to take for granted which is family my daughter and I really don't have?
We have no control over the families we are born into that is just fate. We can only control the roll we play in that family we do land in.

illustration by pinterest

I am grateful for the small circle I have built that is truly our family. Full of love, support and acceptance. Full of positive energy, lots of hugs and smiles. Ready to always shine a mirror on us to remind us of our amazing beauty and self worth. Always there to remind us of how far we have come and all we have over come.

Family is what you make it and if the one you were born into doesn't know your worth, takes away more than they add, hurts your spirit more than they help you shine then don't be afraid to let them go. It is ok to value yourself more than the blood running through your veins. Poor behavior is never ok to stick around with even if it is family. We are conditioned to think "yeah but that's my family" instead of "yeah that is my family, and because it is such I shouldn't be treated that way" that we never stop to question things until we know better until we know our worth.

illustration by thequotepedia.com

I will continue to take the Bitter with the Sweet, its an awesome alternative to wanting to pull my hair out or scream at the top of my lungs. Sharing some quotes that have helped me through the years heal what was once broken perhaps they can help you as well.
Now back to happy thoughts about my lil sunshine!!!

illustration by sarahdeanna.com

What do you think? Is it ever ok to sacrifice your sanity and well being just because of sense of duty? Are there ever lines you shouldn't cross or is all fair game when it comes to family? Share your experiences and comments with me.

Always stress free xo

Mari 

White Washing

Hey my lovelies, hope everyone has been doing well. I am in countdown mode to my lil mama's 21st Birthday!!! Yes 21, I just can't believe it. Where did the time go literally? I mean I just don't know what happened, but I do. Life.

Life happened.

As I prepare to celebrate such a huge milestone in both our lives I can't help but sit and recount all the wonderful memories of these past 21 years. All the lessons geez, how this wonderful girl has taught me about living. How she has taught me to open my eyes about man kind.

When you become a parent you can't look away at injustice you can't look away from another mother's pain. You can't make believe you don't see things and you can't continue to accept what most people call "the norm".

I have been following our presidential debates and looking at our candidates and just continue to shake my head at what I hear. I continue to be disappointed and my ears continue to hurt from all the garbage coming in.

illustration by youtube.com

Then I move on to World news and local news and it doesn't get much better. Police continue to kill off men like the are knocking down bowling balls. Mother's crying because their children can't get proper medical care, immigrant issues, education issues, sexist issues it just goes on and on. Then I watch a beautiful award show called Black Girls Rock and see such beautiful, intelligent, giving and inspiring women and ask myself...

What is in store for my child? My now grown adult child but my child none the less? What more will she bare witness to in her lifetime? 911, school massacres, poisoned water, hair discrimination, body shaming, gender discrimination, so called unheard of diseases popping up in places no one would expect endless sorrow.

Whenever lil mama and I have our talks about life and the world she always comments on what she views will be necessary in order for human life to prosper. One is that the old has to be totally removed in order for the new to take over. To her that means all the people who for generations have been making the decisions for all without considering all as equals. For her it means total removal of those benefiting at the expense of others.

She always points out that nothing happens just because. That some times "bad things" take place because they benefit someone's purpose. Drugs and alcohol in certain neighborhoods, lack of educational funding in certain communities, unequal pay or unequal treatment. These things allow the  powerful to remain powerful and the perception that we can all make it if we just work hard untrue and unattainable.  Reality check... Something a parent doesn't want to hear.

illustration by fynnexp.com

Talking to my daughter is a breath of fresh air because I have always been the "no that just can't be" type of person but when you are raising a minority child in a country that makes sure you never forget you are a so called "minority" it makes it very difficult to walk around with your head in the clouds. She knows I want to hold on to the belief of fairness and looking at things from a bigger perspective. She laughs with me and sometimes at me because I always say "well Oprah made it" to which she replies "yeah only as far as they want to allow her to".

Roll models...even Barbie adding some changes to her selection of dolls was a problem?!

So here I am nearing year 21 of my parenting journey and it is my child who is now guiding me to the ins and outs of life as we are currently living it. It is no longer I holding her hand as we cross the street or I filling out her medical papers, it is she who has to figure out how to cross the street while she texts her friends and it is she who has to shop around for Affordable Health care. It isn't about me being proud to check off Hispanic on her Tae Kwon Do Black Belt application but instead about her worrying if her last name will shut the doors to that job she's been hoping for. It isn't about me seeing my little girl growing up into a beautiful woman but about my little girl being held back because she is a minority woman.

I've been blessed to have been able to give my daughter a wonderful, safe, happy, peaceful, loving life. She's had her needs met and her wants have been negotiable. She's had awesome experiences and plenty of freedom. The rules didn't stop her from enjoying her teenage years and her independence didn't break my patience. We both stand here today in a great place.

illustration by hippo quotes.com

This is not a post to bash but a post to start talking. To start looking for ways to make small changes. To educate ourselves and to accept the flaws we have been trying to hide. To use the freedoms we so proudly boost about to help others. To stop exclusion start loving all mankind and to practice "liberty and justice for all".

What are your thoughts? What were the beliefs you grew up with? Did they change when you became a parent? Are some of us just whining or is there some truth to all the chatter? Please comment, let's talk.

My lil mama always says that truth covered in humor is easier pill to swallow for some, so she shared this with me...I share it with you.

Always stress free xo

 Mari

New Beginnings

Here's to New Beginnings!

Happy 1st day of Spring!

My take away from this Winter is short yet powerful:

-what you put in may or may not be what you get out

-fair is not getting what you wanted but being heard, respected and reaching a peaceful compromise is

-where love has been cultivated there can never be hate

-trash is called trash for a reason

-nothing in life stays the same

-personal growth is an option that should be exercised Often

-reliving the past only hurts you, the others have already left you behind

-your children are a reflection of all parts of you, good or bad embrace it, own it, work with it

-things don't have to be Bad

illustration by quotesgram.com

Spring into action! Dust yourself off let the things that didn't work for you go and run towards those new possibilities. Like a beautiful garden, show all your amazing colors attract those bees just don't get stung because you weren't willing to move gracefully with the breeze.

Look in the mirror, do you like what you see. Listen to yourself, do you get inspired by the words coming out of your mouth. Time to reinvent yourself if the answer is no! Never to late until it is...for...

New Beginnings!

Always stress free xo

Mari

The reward of Not getting what you want

Hey lovelies is everyone as ready for warmer temperatures as I am? I have to admit that this Winter really wasn't so bad especially out here in New York. I feel like I blinked and Spring was upon us but hey I am not one to rush time so I'll enjoy the days as they come.

Enjoying the days as they come, is a good segway into my share today. Between being nervous about some of these Presidential candidates and just day to day occurrences both on the news and in my life I've been putting some thought into...

The reward of not getting what you want. 

Hummm how on earth is not getting what we want a reward? Well let me talk about some rewards I've witnessed and then we shall see.

illustration by jarofquotes.com

-I wanted my mom to work the types of jobs all my other friends moms had but instead she worked in places that I was not so proud of. Turned out that working in factories and bar tending and being a school lunch lady wasn't such a bad thing after all. She held her head up high, loved what she did and provided for her family with dignity. Seeing her take pride in what she did taught me great work ethic and taught me not to get caught up in labels...making an honest living is all that matters. 

-I wanted the big wedding all the bells and whistles. Turns out I was placing importance on the outside picture and not the true meaning of Unity. When I took the blinders off I saw that I preferred the quiet show of love than the loud roar of a gran performance.

-I wanted three kids, two boys and a girl. I wanted nonstop calling of my name and laughter. I wanted running around and constant opportunities to watch my kids succeed at things. I had one and she is more than enough. Six months into mommywood I realized I enjoyed my life too much to have to sacrifice my space. I enjoyed my ALONE time way too much to give it up. My lil mama has been the best thing to happen in my life I have had my three kids and more.

illustration by pinterest.com

-I wanted the guy that remembered and acknowledged holidays, birthdays & anniversaries. The one who walked through the door bearing gifts over flowing or sent gifts to my office as a surprise. Turns out I really don't like that guy because he sometimes forgets that gifts don't always mean something materialistic. Now I find joy in the one who buys me a book or brings me a cup of Tea just because he knows I need some peace and quiet. Now I appreciate the beautiful gifts that come in large and small packages.

-I wanted the high paying career that would afford me the lifestyle to live comfortably, travel constantly and do all the shopping I wanted. The career that would grant me financial security I didn't see my own parents have. The one I could spoil my kid in. What I got instead was a job. One that allowed me flexible hours, decent vacation time, plenty of space for leisure thoughts and peace of mind. One that didn't stress me out where my attitude affected my family. One that allowed me to provide for my loved ones and still have fun. One that didn't take over my personal life. Yes finances are extremely important and I do take measures to build on that but never at the expense of a great quality of Life.

Some say that when you make a plan never make a plan B because it means you already planned to fail but I say that sometimes the fail is not a failure. It just means plan A wasn't meant for you.
The Universe is always testing us and testing our resilience. It gains nothing from us failing it reaps the rewards of our Success.

illustration by quotesgram.com

Next time you put yourself out there and it doesn't turn out as you wish, don't delay bouncing back. Say goodbye to that chapter and hello to whats to come.

Always stress free xo

Mari 

Courage to Rise Up after we Stumble

Hey! Can I just share that I've really been giving some heavy thought to a recent acknowledgment that I made to myself? I guess I have been making note of some changes but just didn't want to bring it to light. 

Recent events have taken my attitude of Mindfulness to full blown Anger. Some of my thoughts haven't been very kind and my words have reflected that. It's been tough for me because I have really been on this Mindfulness journey for the past four years and I thought I had come a long way. 

It's been challenging on several levels.

My parenting skills have really had to kick in extra extra hard. You know, the one that pops up when someone does something to your child you don't like and you'd love to punch the heck out of that person but know that as an adult that is just not the way to go? The skill you grab on to when you know that loosing your cool will bring more harm than good? The skill you remind yourself you have when you want to revert to the fifteen year old inside of you? Well I've been not just holding but down right red knuckles grabbing on that sucker for dear life.

illustration by pinterest.com

Last night was a tough one in which I had a conversation with one of my baby #2 home attendants and I really had to breathe for dear life. This woman was testing me in every way. As I have shared in the past I am responsible for most of the care of my 92 year old grandmother. Last night some things came to light that her care has some cracks in it and I was livid. I have been kept in the dark to some activities and this person felt that because I may react poorly or perhaps not like she wanted me to it was best to keep things from me. Who would react nicely to that? But I stayed in my respectful lane and did my best. I breathed a lot and paced a lot and decided to handle things on Monday.

Not to mention that prior to last night I also in a span of two weeks I had several events and conversations take place that were exhausting. I was totally depleted of all energy and rational. I just wanted the noise to stop and for me to walk away. One good thing even in the storm I was proud that though the words were uncomfortable I held on to the lesson...this too shall pass. I had learned to sit in the discomfort and work things out. To take some breaths and some time to let the waves calm down. That just because your buttons are pushed you don't have to push back.

Parenthood continues to remind me how much further I have to go in my Mindfulness journey. How I must always keep in the forefront of my mind that people everyday have things going on that no one else sees. That we are all individuals and that we must all learn for ourselves our loved ones can't protect us from everything. That as our children grow they are really teaching us how to let go of those safety nets we have been casting out over the years.

Its ok to stumble its not uncommon it is actually normal. We are not robots we are beings trying to find the best place in life for ourselves. Some days are really good and some days not as much but we must remain focused that nothing last forever.

I hit a rough patch in my practice but now I see it will be fine. It will only make me more aware and better equipped to handle the next time I stumble and there will be a next time. I am still learning how to Rise Up.

Funny how life drops some goodies on your lap when you eyes are closed. I came across this artist just as I was feeling down about some of my choices. Enjoy!

You're broken down and tired

Of living life on a merry-go-round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

And I'll rise up

I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousands times again

When the silence isn't quiet

And it feels like it's getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we'll take the world to it's feet
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

~Andra Day~

illustration by riseupgallery.com

What are your thoughts? Have you fallen short on a practice you thought you had a handle on only to be tested and fail? How do you handle your shortcomings? As a parent, what are the lessons that have helped you to be easier on yourself on those bad days? Share your tips here.

Always stress free xo

Mari 

Strength

illustration by quotesgram.com

You can't stand next to weakness and expect to be strong.

You can't sit in doubt and expect a flow of blessings.

You can't imitate another's journey and have an authentic life.

I thought it was better to be part of something, than to have nothing.

I thought it was best to stay in the shade, than to shine so bright.

I thought it was safer to be quiet, than to speak my peace.

We must let go of the old to build a new.

We must have faith in ourselves when others don't.

We must at least try even if we fail.

Today I walk in confidence to get closer to Us.

Today my heart is open for Us.

Today anything is possible because of Us.

Strength comes from many places in different forms grab yours and run with it.
Live your best life, don't let the past spoil your present.
Be open.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Let go

I want my time on this earth to mean something

I want my name to evoke feelings of joy

I want my face to bring a smile to yours

I want to leave a room and be missed

Don't want to waste a minute holding on to anger

Don't want a day to go by without saying I love you

Don't want to look back and think what if

Don't want to use I am sorry as a crutch

If only is a cop out

But is an excuse

Later doesn't matter

Tomorrow is too late

The present is what matters

Don't waste another day putting off living the life that you dream of

Everything has an end.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Want to play a Game?

I am always attracted by questions. If you are standing at a bus stop and just want to start a conversation, ask a question and see what door you open. If you want to step out of your shell, go to a coffee shop, sit at a table, lean over and ask a question.

Questioning is growth, knowledge, awareness. It can evoke all sorts of emotions and facial expressions. Sometimes we even think we want to know the answers but once we do it turns out that wasn't the case at all. Hummm questioning, who would have thought?

illustration by psychcentral.com

In one of the many blogs I follow and read I found this silly game, the What If game.
Of course at first I just shrugged it off, had silly quick responses but then I took an extra second and stopped to really answer.
I realized I was dismissive because I was afraid. I was afraid to ask myself those questions and find out what the answers might really be.

Being afraid doesn't allow growth, knowledge or awareness and that is not how I want to live my life so here I am answering these questions honestly, still a bit scared but jumping in to see what I find out about myself.

1~ What or Who would you be if you knew you couldn't fail?
I would be National Geographic Photographer. It combines my love of animals, nature, travel and photography all into one.

2~ What is your 90 second personal speech?
Hi my name is Mari and I am a lover of all things simple and carefree. I love reading, writing and lots of laughter. I enjoy safe exploration and testing my limits within reason. My self care comes first and all else then follows where anything is possible.

3~ What are your core personal values?
Treat everyone with respect till they show you otherwise. Respect is earned not given. Everyone deserves to be loved. Yelling solves nothing. Privileged isn't always a good thing.
Free will is a blessing. Nothing is worth stressing over, tomorrow is another day.
Everything has A solution. I'm not obligated to be unhappy to please another.
Communication is key, learn to do it correctly. Sarcasm is a waste of time.
Time is valuable

illustration by ink361.com

4~ What makes you genuinely happy?
A good conversation, a good movie and a great dinner. A walk in the park, lots of hugs and kisses.
Holding hands,hearing my daughter laugh, a thoughtful gift. Smiling,listening to music and reading a book.

5~ If money were no object, how would you live life differently?
I would travel the world with no sense of time. I would study a variety of subjects just for the sake of learning. I would set up a foundation for neglected children and teens. The setting would resemble a huge home and not look like an institution like so many of the places I volunteer at look like.
I would set up a fund so no child who wants an education would be denied one. Education should be a right not a Privilege.

illustration by thewhatifconference.com

Question #2 took me a while but I did it. Once I started I wasn't as afraid. Thoughts? If you played the game, what are you worried you might learn about yourself? Would it change how you live moving forward? Share here.

Always stress free xo
Mari

Meet my niece Korii Ann

                             16th Birthday

Hey lovelies I usually don't write on Fridays but last night I got home from my volunteer evening with my kids at a family residence and as I settled in to catch up on some emails I got an email from my girlfriend Rosanna about my niece Korii. I have shared in the past how they are my adopted fam and how her sister is my gf Cynthia who transitioned in 2008. We have all been friends since I was in the 2nd grade. My Korii is a special needs child with Cerebral Palsy and has been in the hospital since the summer had to undergo a Tracheostomy and we were cautiously optimistic that she would be going home yesterday but when I didn't get a response to my text on how the day had gone I chalked it up to busy settling in, turns out she's running a fever and has a sore. This means no going home just yet.

Anyone dealing with a sick child can imagine how stressful it must be and how it takes its toll on you, your family and loved ones. But imagine the added stress of your child not being able to talk to you and tell you if they are in pain and in how much pain when they are. You as a parent are then left to kick up your senses just a bit more than the rest of us.

                                             illustration by pinterest.com

That is exactly what my gf Rosanna has done for the past 18 years. We love her so, her strength and patience is outstanding and it just humbles us to see all that she deals with never once complaining or lashing out at anyone.

My Korii Ann has never hugged me or given me a kiss, she has never called out my name or held my hand but she has loved me so from the first time she heard my voice and I saw her big eyes grow wider with excitement and a tiny grin come across her face. I have never gotten to play dolls with her or take her for a walk or go on a lunch date but we have shared many other private talks and moments and those to me are priceless.

Today I am writing to share a link gofundme.com started for her special needs and perhaps even if you can't donate I would like for you to keep her in your prayers and to perhaps reach out to a friend or neighbor with a special needs child and offer your assistance. Maybe bring them something to eat or offer some of your time so they can catch their breath. Any loving gesture helps.

Have an awesome day everyone and remember to be grateful everyday for the small things in your life.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Another one Bites the dust

Hello lovelies I want to share another page out of my Friendship playbook but before I do that I wanted to bring you up to speed on recent events and the life lessons I took away.

illustration by miniplex.com

Updates on Baby #2, dear ole grandma:
-she's doing great we got over the rough patch of sleep deprivation. Combination of medications, home remedies, lots of research and talks with her doctor plus help from her home attendants helped us get to a place everyone is happy with. She's cheery and pleasant to be around so I am grateful for that much.

 Updates on Dating:
-since baby #2 was causing me some stress over the summer I didn't go out as often as I would have liked when it came to a lot of adult socializing but I still got in a few nice treats. One was a Bar/Lounge type of setting with live acts and on this particular night we caught George Lamond a favorite Freestyle music artist of mine. We had an amazing time great mix of talking, laughing, dancing and getting to know one another. Not too formal, not to casual very relaxing and friendly vibe. I'll keep his number wink wink.

Updates on being the mom of a 20 year old:
-I will just say I am soooooo glad I put in the effort to build strong communication skills, mutual respect and independence because every conversation with this mini me, mini her father and all around fire ball is eye opening and full of laughter. Of course I have moments I say dear God did she just say that but I see in front of me a well prepared individual who I am glad we allowed to test her free spirit and curiosity. My fearless baby, I am so proud of you.

illustration by inspireleads.com

Which brings me to...
Updates on Friendships:
-Another one Bites the dust but as usual it wasn't a surprise. I saw it for a while now I just thought I'd watch how it would play itself out. We don't form friendships to run a tally on who has done what but all relationships require expectations. Everything in life comes with expectations. I've shared in the past how one of my requirements is investing time with those I care about. Yes our gadgets are fun and come in handy as do our social media sites but nothing beats an actual conversation and Face time. My loyalty is endless, it comes with my quirks but if I'm your friend I'm your friend. So when I sat and thought about this connection I wasn't feeling the love and here's why...
1-forgot my Birth Day 3 years in a row
2-every time I've arranged a meet date for dinner it's been cancelled
3-getting together to acknowledge certain special events have been neglected
4-family gatherings have been shrugged off
5-the text exchanges are pretty much one sided as are the very few and far between phone calls
6-haven't felt or seen any support of my ventures and projects but from my side I have managed to be supportive in one way or another of all my friend's interest

illustration by wordbypicture.com

These are just a few valid points for me I think and I will stop here. I don't want to diminish what we had but I don't think it needs to continue any further at least not under the umbrella of Friendship. Forgetting a Birth day one year is forgivable because we all have tons of stuff going on and it can happen but you can always enter it into your calendar with an alert for next year but 3 years! It just tells me I'm not important to you. Not making the time to meet no matter what the occasion time after time also indicates lack of interest. We all have value and if those closest to you don't give you any that speaks volumes.

I am not bitter we had some great times and our connection served its purpose now its time to spread our wings and move on. I wish you well and hope we can both walk away having learned something.

The life lessons I have taken away from these recent events are...
-change happens no matter how hard you try to hold on to things or control the outcomes. It is when you let go that things can come together.
-a square will never fit into a circle, stop pushing the issue. Take a deep breath, walk away and come back later and revisit the topic.
-our children teach us just as much or perhaps even more than we have taught them
-no matter what is going on you need to take a break. Laughter truly is the best medicine.
-nothing last Forever. If you don't experience sadness and disappointment you can't appreciate the smiles and joys of Life.
-stay young at heart, always!. Your quality of life depends on it.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Do all parents have Moments of Regret?

As my daughter prepares to go to work today I find myself in a moment of reflection. I'm sitting here in my room writing, editing etc...she's moving about and we are yapping away.
I guess it would serve everyone well if they would sit and reflect more often on their lives choices and begin to act less hastily.

Moments of regret. What do you regret the most in your life, up until this point?
Wow loaded question but for some reason as I watch her getting dressed and we are chatting away, that was the question that came to mind. I see my little girl all grown up and I wonder if at some point some how I have failed her?

I can say that I have a few regrets in my life's journey. Things I could have done differently that would have altered certain results. But then I stop and rethink that because I feel any tweaking of the choices I've made in the past might have affected my approach to parenting and this is one place I feel very little if any regrets.

illustration by leo0816.blogspot

The very fact that my little mama is yapping away on the subject matter that is the topic at the moment says I did pretty good. Here she is running around talking with me about Fashion week in NYC, the shows and latest trends and the business side of all the choices made in the presentations, how she's going to revamp my closet with some great new Fall pieces. Seriously, I couldn't care less about Fashion week and she knows it yet we have built such a respectful, loving connection that she knows I am listening and supportive of her shares. I didn't have to barge into her room, into her space she actually came and barged in on me lol.

Moments of regret as a parent...lets see
-I didn't let her climb into bed with me when she was little and afraid of the dark....nah instead I walked her back to her room, turned on a night light and taught her how to sooth herself.
-I didn't let her have a My Space page when all her friends had one...nah instead I invested time showing other ways to socialize
-I didn't reward her good grades with money...nah instead I taught her that earning those good grades was the reward.
-I didn't take her to a Disney movie premier after she behaved poorly even though I had already gotten us the tickets...nah I suffered the loss and she learned that actions have consequences.
- I didn't pull her teeth out as a youngster...nah her doing it herself taught her pride and that her mother is very squeamish.
-I didn't help her much with home...nah I instead just sat near by and did my own things as I supported from a distance and suggested other ways she could build better study habits.
-I didn't get upset and berate the system when she didn't get into the first college of her choice...nah I instead gave her a big hug, said better things were ahead told her these were all part of life's lessons we don't always get what we want (she ended up going to her current school where she now says was the best thing to happen to her).

illustration by happyviews.com

You see? I wasn't and I am not here to make her life's ride easy. I am here to help her learn the tools to allow her to make her own ride easy. We can't always pick them up when they fall. We can't always make things better, we can't always make every right choice. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes we drop the ball but as long as what we are doing is our best how can you have a regret?
Things in life beat all of us up rich or poor, male or female so why invest our energy on long periods of self abuse? Why not instead use it to further teach our children that we all have things to deal with, even their own mom and dad?

-a billion hugs and kisses
-a trillion I love yous
-countless bedtime stories
-amazing just mommy and me dates
-loads of laughter while watching movies together
-infinite memories of joy, security and love

That is Parenting with No Regrets.

illustraion by pinterest.com

What do you think? Have you ever graded your parenting journey thus far? Are you days filled with more "I wish I had" thoughts than "I am glad I did"? Share your views and moments of achievements or regret.

Always stress free xo

Mari

Honoring our History Truthfully

Good Morning! Happy Sunday to all and I truly hope we all had an awesome productive week.

I have had several teaching moments this week I want to chat about. The first one was looking through some old drafts I have saved and just left alone because of FEAR. As I reread them I was surprised at how much I had shared and how open I had been about my opinions and experiences on certain issues. I guess that is the reason they are still in my draft folder...because they are too REAL.

That brings me to my second lesson and that came to me through a wonderful conversation I had midweek with the lovely Kesha from Uncommonchick.com. Her brand focuses on living your best Extraordinary Life, your Truth and facing your Fears. Our phone conversation was very informative and encouraging. Just the right push I needed to continue working on my own true path. Go check her out it is full of humor and lots of love.

My third lesson ties in with the first two and that was this news clip I came across in regards to information in a school textbook.

A ninth grader working on his school World Geography/History lesson came across misrepresentation of a major part of our Geography/History. He showed it to his mother and his mother chose to step forward instead of hiding back. The lesson was on Slavery and Slaves being described as "Workers" and not being truthful on depicting the forced migration. She was able to contact the publishers to make some adjustments but as she pointed out that won't be enough in the long run.
http://news

That made me think of the countless times my daughter would comment on similar things while she was growing up and doing her own home work. When she was in elementary school and would talk to me about what she was learning in her own History classes or Science class or English class. How during her years in H.S. she would comment on it being more acceptable to actually disagree and question some of the things she had read growing up and how today when she sits with me and speaks about her College classes she still refers to her younger years as a time of being taught lies.

As a parent I surely don't want to hear this and have no idea on even how to go about making any changes but this mom in this article showed me that in just acknowledging it and speaking about it something can be done even if just in your home or with your peers.
For so long we have allowed so many truths to be swept under the rug and for so many people to be devalued. For so long we have continued to just go along with the program as if the program wasn't flawed.

When as parents we continue to allow our children to believe the things they read and hear knowing they are not true we are not being good parents. We may not be able to go back and have every textbook rewritten but we can surely start educated conversations at home. We can discuss with more knowledge and better tools subject matters that we know more information about today.

We know now that many of the lessons in textbooks about Native Americans and Spanish Explores for example do not paint the whole picture. We also know that depending on where you grow up and what you are able to have access to is what allows you to become more educated and again give all people the value they deserve.
Allowing our children to question and form their own opinions is priceless. We should never extinguish that light or tenacity.

So what can we do as parents to ensure that what our children are learning and what we are investing our hard earn money on is of value? I certainly won't suggest we actually read our kids textbooks ourselves because most of us just don't have that sort of time but I will suggest the following:

-have daily wrap up conversations on what they have learned in school that day
-encourage them to share on a particular lesson and hear their take on it
-keep things lite, don't be overbearing in your delivery of what your take is but instead encourage additional research
-go on dates to the library or museums
-sit with your child on the computer and research together
-make learning fun
-teach them respect and to value all human life
-encourage them to learn about other cultures and religions so that they may respect even if they don't agree
-encourage free thinking. they don't have to believe everything the Teacher says, they should feel they have the right to question and do so with respect

illustration by unknown

These are just a few suggestions there are many many ways to help our children become better informed. These suggestions and tools can very well be carried over to our personal lives as well. Sometimes as we become adults we tend to try and sugar coat or wash away our past mistakes and history. We begin to omit certain parts of ourselves as we meet and begin to build with others but what we fail to understand and respect is that nothing in the end is hidden.

History whether its world or personal will always repeat itself if we don't learn the lessons in the mistakes left behind. We can't build on lies we have seen the results time and time again. We see it daily on the news in Corporations, we see it in human Suffering and we see it in our neighbors backyard.

I started my post with my comments on my draft folder and FEAR. I said I couldn't believe how REAL I had been so I imagine that must be the case with those that sit down to write about world events. Honoring our History Truthfully may not be easy but it is far less painful in the long run.

What do you think? Is teaching our children some of the harsh realities of life early on a good parenting skill or something we should try to avoid for as long as possible? Do you think that not questioning the education system is beneficial to our society? What are your thoughts on personal history? Is it ever ok to paint a different picture of our past?
Please stop to comment and share your thoughts, let's start a conversation.

Always stress free xo
Mari

Look at what your Missing

Living in a big city like New York you are never really alone.

Yet even when there are lots of people around you, you can totally Feel alone.

Why?

Well if you are like me and people watching and observing is your thing you will notice that just about Everyone is looking down.

Since we now have handheld gadgets that do just about everything anywhere like watch tv, videos or listen to music all you see is bowed heads.

Rarely is there eye contact. Rarely do you share a smile. Rarely is there a casual stroll.

Friends talk to one another with their heads down. Couples go out to dinner and have their heads down at the table.

Your waiting for a bus, heads down. A train, heads down, paying for groceries, heads down.

As a parent sometimes your talking with your kids and your head is...down.

I know I have done it and I work daily on putting my gadgets down when in conversation with others.

On my walks through my neighborhood park I see many things. It's a pretty nice walk, pretty big park and tons of people.

I saw a group of teens the other day, must have been 12 of them and they all had their heads down while talking to one another.

I felt like screaming LOOK UP!!!

Not only is it rude and disrespectful but you are missing out on making genuine connections.

You are not really listening or even engaged in the moment.

Did you see my new hair cut, thinks the wife? Of course not your too busy on your phone checking Face Book. Her thoughts as she looks at her husband.

Mom did you see the grade I got on my English paper? Oh no of course not because she put my paper down to check her emails.

Sweetheart how's your food? No replay because your girlfriends too busy uploading picture of her  plate to Instagram.

When your on your gadgets this is what your missing...

This holiday season I hope we are all looking up more and taking in the sites!
The decorated trees, the lights, the sounds, the messages.

What do you think you missed today while you looked down?
Do you even think about missing out on anything while on your gadgets?

Always stress free xo.

H2O an after thought?

It's the day before Thanksgiving & the weather is trying for certain. I was slipping and sliding all the way to my car after work.

I wanted to take a few moments to wish everyone a safe and Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for the reads, comments and shares xoxo!

Remember what this day is truly all about and on that note...I wanted to leave you with food for thought.

Water.

Who would want to write a post on water and why?

Water is every where right? We all use it every day, everyone has access to water, no big deal right?

Wrong.

illustration by eofdreams.com

Many of us take water for granted. We never pay much attention to it, as far as where it comes from, is it clean, will we run out.
Many of us leave it running as we wash our dishes, take our showers, wash our cars in our back yards.
Some of us buy bottled water drink half and when we feel it's too warm to drink, we throw it away.

We have access to water Everywhere. In our parks, in our schools, our offices. When we go to the amusement park, the movies, to a club or a museum.
Water water water.

Do you ever stop and think about other countries and their water supply?

I grew up being just a little aware and a little mindful of how precious water can be to some.
My grandmother who is 91yrs old and my mother who's is 63yrs old always shared stories about their struggles in the Dominican Republic.
No running water, just rivers and out houses.
My grandma would share stories of her years of carry huge baskets on her head or back to carry water to and from the river. How she carried the baskets of clothes to wash and carried back home to dry on the line.
My mother would comment on fact that though her and her siblings were small and young, they too had to chip in and played a role in the families water journeys.

My mom would talk about the outhouses. I felt like I was listening to a real life Laura Ingalls. I couldn't image what that looked like or even smelled like until I visited my own fathers farm in DR and experienced it for myself. Needless to say I did #1 in the river when we bathed and I held on to #2 till we got back into town. I know I know TMI.
But the point is, not many of us have a clue about this sort of stuff.

My daughter's idea of roughing it in the woods camping, being she is not friends with any type of bug would most likely be a cabin, with everything...Inside.
Heck that would be my 1st choice too.

So when I ran into this information and read up on what the actor Matt Damon is doing it touched my heart, bought back memories of stories, reminded me of my families past and I wanted to share.

There are soooo many wonderful ways to give back, to pay forward, to make a difference, to shine a light of hope.
Find one that speaks to you and your family, share it with your kids so that they learn to be grateful.

I am including links with info.
Tell me what you think, do you have stories to share about your own family and their modest upbringing? Have you heard your grandparents or even great grandparents talk about their struggles as youths in their place of birth?


water.org

yahoo.com

Always stress free xo.

El Senor Corona

Keeping it simple on this Father's Day.

This is a little share about my father.

My father's name is Adrian, he has four children I am the only girl.
He came to this country from the Dominican Republic when he was about 19 years old. Worked his butt off to provide for his family and build his dream home and his farm back in DR.
My father is a Latin John Wayne, he is most at home on his farm, riding his horses, rounding up and milking the cows all while carry his gun on a holster like the town sheriff.

I have many great memories of my father, don't get me wrong he is very much alive just not part of my life anymore. I am fine with that, some people you can love and respect from a distance because they aren't able to add anything to your life. I am big on sharing my personal space only with additions never subtractions.

So as I have commented in the past to some degree, the greatest lesson my father taught me was to "be nice".

I can hear him clear as day even at this moment our many talks and how those words were a staple in his speech. "Mari, be nice. Negra cojelo suave (take it easy, dark skin. Calling me dark or dark skin was and is a term of endearment not offensive as some deem it so).
I would be complaining about my mother and he would always tell me to be nice. To take things easy, to let some things go...

I must confess that I didn't listen to him or take his advice, not until many many years later.

Today I carry those speeches, those words that lesson. Finally I got it and finally I practice it.

What was he trying to teach me? Do you think I was a mean kid? I terrible teenager? Disrespectful to my parents? NO NO and NO, I was just a regular kid trying to find my way in life, trying to figure out who I was not what others thought I should be.

All this cowboy, my father was trying to teach me was patience.

I want to thank him and acknowledge putting it out in the universe that hey I got it!!
Patience brings many rewards, some you see and reap the rewards from and some are silent and unseen.
Patience and being nice is like water. Nourishing and cleansing and clear.

So on this day thank you Senor Corona for my existence and the priceless lesson. You gave me a gift that keeps on giving and something I can pay forward and reap the rewards from for my forever.

Happy Father's Day

 to all those awesome men

 who teach great lessons be it one or a hundred!!! 

Be it one day or everyday. 

Soy Dominicana, I am Dominican

Everyone wants to be recognized for who they are.

Everyone wants to be understood and respected.

Sometimes being born in the United States of America it is almost expected of you not to acknowledge or embrace your family may come from some place else or that you could be more than one thing.

This idea of we accept all, we are a grand melting pot, can sometimes be a lie.

You come to realize that when you fill out forms for school, work or housing . You experience it when you take a survey or when you travel.

They say the more things change the more they stay the same. A lot has changed since I became aware that I was Dominican at the age of six in elementary school but some thing's are still the same.

Now what do I mean by becoming aware? I mean that in the seventies and early eighties no matter what country your parents came from or you came from everyone lumped you in as a Puerto Rican; And when you said "oh no I am such and such" some people would say "oh its all the same". Um HELLO!!! No it is not.
That was rude then and it is still rude now.

Could it be because of labels that can even confuse me at times? Latino, Hispanic, Spanish or Race, Ethnicity or Nationality? What ever the reason here is my post for today.

So I would like to share with you what Soy Dominicana means. I would like to point out that I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. I rep Brooklyn all day every day as most people from Brooklyn do but I am first and foremost blessed to be Dominican.

-it means we speak a different language. It is Spanish but we tend to speak so fast we sometimes get asked to slow it down and repeat ourselves.
-we have our own slang that others try to copy but coming out of their mouths just sounds like a mess.
-we are proud people who come from a poor country but are rich in beauty, culture and life.
-we are Caribbean people, hot all the time. Many ways to translate that and we are a country, not a Commonwealth, for example like Puerto Rico.
-we party all the time. We have no special day to have a party. Our baby showers start at 6pm and end the next morning.
-our music I was once told by an Ecuadorian (person from Ecuador a South American country), makes even the dead dance. If I saw it I would believe it our music makes you just want to move. Hey we even have the artist Drake singing with one of our most beloved artist Anthony "Romeo" Santos.
-our food is heaven on earth. If you are lucky to find a Dominican restaurant in your community it is sure to become a staple in your life moving forward.
-We are who we are, we never try to assimilate to our surroundings, we are never confused about our identity. We know our history and are proud.There is never shame in being DOMINICAN.
-Dominican women love the beauty parlor. We will be in there for hours. We don't care about rain, snow, or if we don't have the cash to spare. Nothing stops our date at the salon. And best believe when we leave there we are fly as hell.
-we are conceited and arrogant, or so I've been told. Guess it just comes from pride. We like nice things, nice homes, nice clothes, nice cars, we aim for the best quality...Always. Now why would those words be chosen I don't know.
-Dominican men love women, no exclusions. They love to have an amazing looking women by their side.
-Dominican women, love their men to a fault. He can be a mess up but he is our mess up. We love to pamper them and take care of them no matter what.
-Dominican mothers...don't cross us. We are the template for protective mama bear. Now if our kids get out of line we have no problem spanking the crap out of them but if an outsider messes with our kid, you have a problem.
-we are raised to respect our parents. We don't leave the house without saying Bendicion, which loosely translated means form of asking for a blessing before we head out the house. Some other Spanish speaking countries also have this tradition.
-we have no problem eating Espaguetis con Arroz Blanco for lunch, which is Spaghetti with White Rice, yes starch overload. It tastes great we don't care.
-one of our staple drinks, which I would say is American version of a milkshake we call Morir Sonando. Translation...die dreaming, it taste that good. Its milk, orange juice, some sugar or even condensed milk for those of us with the crazy sweet tooth and some ice cubes. You must drink it right after it is made or as my mom would say se corta, it cuts. Which meant the mixture went bad.
-we have some of the worlds best baseball players, musicians, writers, artist and even designers.
-our country is so "in" that many celebrities have bought homes there.
-we have something called "Dominican time", we don't run by regular standards. We get there when we get there.
-our idea of measuring is "un chin, un chin chin or un poquito". They all mean 'a little" or "just a bit" but different levels of little or a bit AND...
-if you come to our house, we are always asking if you want something to eat. We don't like to take no for an answer.

There is so much more that I could say. Not to mention that if I took the label Dominican away I could be talking and sharing pride of just about any other place or person in the world. We all should rightly so be proud of who we are and where we come from.
We should all respect differences and perhaps learn something new from one another.

Life lessons.

latintimes.com

Juan Luis Guerra