Raising Honest children

Seems every where we turn now someone is being caught in a lie. Maybe you want to call it half truth or just disclosing what was necessary at the time? Choosing to omit in order to keep the peace? I can go on with all the reasons but in the end it certainly wasn't the truth.
As parents how do we address these issues? How do we start a conversation or address a question bought to us by our child(ren)? For instance, recent events such as Melania Trump taking snippets from Michelle Obama's 2008 speech. It's not an if or maybe it is clear. How do we talk about honesty and lies?

When I first started my blog I wrote on this subject, I am re-posting it again with few updates:

Have you experienced a time when you found out your child has lied to you? Have you noticed a pattern of fibs your son has been telling? Does your daughter try to cover her tracks by lying?

illustration by pinterest.com

What are we to do when we are faced with the possibility that our children are liars, that they do it often and like to do it because it keeps them out of so called trouble or worse yet allows them to manipulate others? Do we yell, punish, scream, resort to use of physical means to stop this behavior? Do we sit, talk and maybe get outside sources to help us?

My perspective is let's try talking first. Yelling and screaming only distracts from the real issues and makes the child loose interest and focus. They will not grasp the information you are trying to get across. The message gets lost in the delivery. Our goal is raising honest children.

-sit him or her down, explain in language suitable for their age what the problem is.
-explain what lying is, maybe they really have no real idea.
-give examples don't just say because it is wrong or I don't like it. An example can be lying about where they were.Let them know it's not that you are tracking them or you don't trust them but instead make it clear it's for safety if something were to happen you want to be able to trace their steps.You want to be able to have peace of mind they are in safe places.

illustration by wisieforkids.com

If your child lies to manipulate one person over the other, share that trust is very valuable. That they will want you to trust them so they can do the things they enjoy like visit with friends, stay out later, start to date, join school teams etc...And when they lie, those privileges must be taken away.

If they are younger you should find cartoons or books that can assist with teaching them what lies are. When they see a character they love explain or behave in ways we are trying to teach it makes things a little clearer. 

You may also try to say things like, what if mommy told you we were going to the park but instead we went  grocery shopping. You wouldn't like that, it is a lie and it would make you feel sad.

Language is important. The goal is to get better results and remove poor habits. And let's not forget to acknowledge when the truth has been told. We encourage by acknowledgment and we encourage even when we don't like what we hear the goal again is the truth. What are your thoughts? Have you dealt with these issues already? What tips or tricks can you share with us?

Always stress free xo,

Mari

Honoring our History Truthfully

Good Morning! Happy Sunday to all and I truly hope we all had an awesome productive week.

I have had several teaching moments this week I want to chat about. The first one was looking through some old drafts I have saved and just left alone because of FEAR. As I reread them I was surprised at how much I had shared and how open I had been about my opinions and experiences on certain issues. I guess that is the reason they are still in my draft folder...because they are too REAL.

That brings me to my second lesson and that came to me through a wonderful conversation I had midweek with the lovely Kesha from Uncommonchick.com. Her brand focuses on living your best Extraordinary Life, your Truth and facing your Fears. Our phone conversation was very informative and encouraging. Just the right push I needed to continue working on my own true path. Go check her out it is full of humor and lots of love.

My third lesson ties in with the first two and that was this news clip I came across in regards to information in a school textbook.

A ninth grader working on his school World Geography/History lesson came across misrepresentation of a major part of our Geography/History. He showed it to his mother and his mother chose to step forward instead of hiding back. The lesson was on Slavery and Slaves being described as "Workers" and not being truthful on depicting the forced migration. She was able to contact the publishers to make some adjustments but as she pointed out that won't be enough in the long run.
http://news

That made me think of the countless times my daughter would comment on similar things while she was growing up and doing her own home work. When she was in elementary school and would talk to me about what she was learning in her own History classes or Science class or English class. How during her years in H.S. she would comment on it being more acceptable to actually disagree and question some of the things she had read growing up and how today when she sits with me and speaks about her College classes she still refers to her younger years as a time of being taught lies.

As a parent I surely don't want to hear this and have no idea on even how to go about making any changes but this mom in this article showed me that in just acknowledging it and speaking about it something can be done even if just in your home or with your peers.
For so long we have allowed so many truths to be swept under the rug and for so many people to be devalued. For so long we have continued to just go along with the program as if the program wasn't flawed.

When as parents we continue to allow our children to believe the things they read and hear knowing they are not true we are not being good parents. We may not be able to go back and have every textbook rewritten but we can surely start educated conversations at home. We can discuss with more knowledge and better tools subject matters that we know more information about today.

We know now that many of the lessons in textbooks about Native Americans and Spanish Explores for example do not paint the whole picture. We also know that depending on where you grow up and what you are able to have access to is what allows you to become more educated and again give all people the value they deserve.
Allowing our children to question and form their own opinions is priceless. We should never extinguish that light or tenacity.

So what can we do as parents to ensure that what our children are learning and what we are investing our hard earn money on is of value? I certainly won't suggest we actually read our kids textbooks ourselves because most of us just don't have that sort of time but I will suggest the following:

-have daily wrap up conversations on what they have learned in school that day
-encourage them to share on a particular lesson and hear their take on it
-keep things lite, don't be overbearing in your delivery of what your take is but instead encourage additional research
-go on dates to the library or museums
-sit with your child on the computer and research together
-make learning fun
-teach them respect and to value all human life
-encourage them to learn about other cultures and religions so that they may respect even if they don't agree
-encourage free thinking. they don't have to believe everything the Teacher says, they should feel they have the right to question and do so with respect

illustration by unknown

These are just a few suggestions there are many many ways to help our children become better informed. These suggestions and tools can very well be carried over to our personal lives as well. Sometimes as we become adults we tend to try and sugar coat or wash away our past mistakes and history. We begin to omit certain parts of ourselves as we meet and begin to build with others but what we fail to understand and respect is that nothing in the end is hidden.

History whether its world or personal will always repeat itself if we don't learn the lessons in the mistakes left behind. We can't build on lies we have seen the results time and time again. We see it daily on the news in Corporations, we see it in human Suffering and we see it in our neighbors backyard.

I started my post with my comments on my draft folder and FEAR. I said I couldn't believe how REAL I had been so I imagine that must be the case with those that sit down to write about world events. Honoring our History Truthfully may not be easy but it is far less painful in the long run.

What do you think? Is teaching our children some of the harsh realities of life early on a good parenting skill or something we should try to avoid for as long as possible? Do you think that not questioning the education system is beneficial to our society? What are your thoughts on personal history? Is it ever ok to paint a different picture of our past?
Please stop to comment and share your thoughts, let's start a conversation.

Always stress free xo
Mari

Bad Parenting

There I said it.

Most people think it, we all have seen it and now I will comment on it.

Granted there are endless methods of parenting and really who is to say which is best, what is right or wrong but I believe we can all agree that certain things are just not a good idea.

Nothing good can come from:
-over indulgence
-lack of stability
-no set of rules
-lack of consequences
-no sense of responsibility
-lack of compassion
-sense of entitlement
-not being taught how to give back
-lack of manners

These are my thoughts, what do you think? Are any of the things listed above actually positive and can be considered a benefit? Can they work in a Parenting sense? Will they allow for a stress free family life?

Always stress free xo

Shattered Images

One of the things that come along with the package of parenting is the handling of disappointment.

Life brings us many, some more than others but I am referring to events or people that disappoint our children.

The sooner in our parenting journey we accept we CAN NOT protect our children from everything, the sooner we will invest that energy instead on how to show support and love when those moments do come.

No matter what age or gender at some point your child will be disappointed by someone or something. The something can be handled much quicker and more easily, but the SOMEONE...not so much.

It's only as we grow that we realize no one is perfect. It's only as we grow that we can either accept people for who they are or walk away. Children, Toddlers and Babies can't understand the concept of acceptance or walking away until they are much older. Therefore it is our responsibility to help them as they grow to understand failure, humanity, humility, respect, acceptance and peace.

Failure-sometimes people try to do their best, but their best isn't good enough.
Humanity-to be human is to act at times in ways that are hurtful and selfish and we must be aware that it may not have anything to do with us, but instead with the way that other person views themselves.
Humility-not many people are carriers of this trait and we must not allow their boisterous actions to extinguish our flame.
Respect-is earned, never just given, demanded or assumed.
Acceptance-sometimes people are just not as invested in you or your well being as you may be in them. Once you become aware of that your options are greater and the hurt becomes less.
Peace-when you take the time to gather all the information, put all the pieces together and come away with clarity you will have gained the peace to move forward and away from that which hurt and or disappointed you.

It will never be easy to see our children in discomfort but it will surely be worse if they are not prepared for it. Life sometimes brings lessons we wish we never had to learn. Shattered images of those we hold dear is one such lesson.

No such thing as perfection, don't put people up on a pedestal and sometimes there are just people out there that are not very nice.

So, as we accept we can't provide protection from all let's start getting ready to hold those hands, provide a shoulder, lend an ear, give plenty of hugs and kisses and tell them how much we love them and are blessed to have them in our lives.

Sex Education

Look at the subject matter I chose to speak on of all days, a Sunday. To many this is the Lords day to me it’s another wonderful opportunity to talk with our children.

Sex is a touchy subject for many, just the word alone or sight of it written somewhere causes anxiety but for me it was and still is as easy as pie, why? Because Sex Education in my home began since my daughter was born.

When I make this statement, what do I mean? I mean I didn't wait to read a book or have an awkward sit down or have an age specific revelation about sex.

We are born sexual beings, we get aroused at different ages for different reasons and it should be ok to be comfortable with our bodies and what happens to them as we are growing and maturing.
This idea of "the talk" is very antiquated and if we as parents think our little ones are not aware of sex at a younger age year after year than we are fooling ourselves.

My daughter came home in sixth grade and told me what the different color bracelets meant. At the time girls were using bracelets as means to let boys know what sex acts they did or were willing to perform. She would share the goings on in the bathrooms or after school in the parks or friends’ houses. This was all during her junior High School years!!!
In her H.S. years my daughter was the one who taught me what “toss the salad” meant (relates to type of oral act in sex) feel free to look it up. This conversation was while we watched some music videos, any time any place.

These are just a few examples of the variety of things we have discussed in the past 18 years.
Since she could speak she knew the proper names of both her body parts and her fathers. From the time she began to ask questions or notice things we have had our talks. Not a specific designated time but surely age appropriate. If we were walking in the street she saw couple kissing we talked, if we watched a video and the girls were dancing on a pole we talked. A simulated sex act scene in a movie, we talked. Our drives to school, at the Laundromat any place any time; constant Communication, respect and honesty.

And if you are not comfortable then find a way to get comfortable quickly. Shows about Teen moms and videos and friends shouldn't be where our children get there information. It can be a tool of course but not a source.
Age does not matter but age appropriate language does. There is no room for shyness.

This is Your Sex Education.

What other tools and resources do you think are needed? As added incentive I have included some links that touch this same topic in a variety of ways and ages. See for yourself; let me know what you think. Happy Sunday!

Sex related topics

http://www.cafemom.com/group/advice/forums/read/19163965/Sex_talk_too_soon_Or_press_anyway
http://www.cafemom.com/group/advice/forums/read/18939084/How_to_Keep_Your_Kid_a_Virgin_Until_College
http://nymag.com/thecut/2013/12/kids-struggle-with-platonic-friendship-too.html?om_rid=AADYCs&om_mid=_BSoOlUB82zLtg6
http://www.cafemom.com/group/advice/forums/read/19151120/My_10_year_old_asked_me_what_humping_is_Help?ct=search_grouppost
http://www.cafemom.com/group/advice/forums/read/19398454/Teenage_sex
http://www.cafemom.com/group/33200/forums/read/19402641/WWYD_My_16yo_is_dating_a_40yo

Helpful resources

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/questions_sex.html
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/parents/talking-kids-about-sex-sexuality-37962.htm

What is Dating?

That seems like a simple enough question…but sometimes as a parent it can be a question that turns your world upside down; or so you think.

Growing up my mother was “old school” no boyfriend till it was serious, which to her meant close to marriage age. Unrealistic to say the least, I mean all I wanted was to go to the movies or hang out in the park or a museum. Who was thinking of marriage at age 13 or even 15? Some of my friends on the other hand their moms were fine with them having boyfriends at 15 or 16 years old. Since I didn't have those options, I did things behind my mother’s back. I would stay after school late and say I was working on school projects, or at the library. I would say I was at a friend’s house but instead be at the park or at the movies. Harmless fun and small fibs but still deceitful none the less.

Since my mother was so ridiculous in her ways I of course chose to go the opposite direction.

I raised my daughter always knowing it was just as fine to have male friends as it was having females. She was aware that it was normal to like boys or girls as she got older and that if by age 13 she thought she liked someone that it was fine but she was not going to be allowed to go places alone or to get hung up on labels. She could go out as friends in a group to the movies, park etc.

Now I was not naive to think that at that age they may not be exploring just as we did in our time. I was just straight forward with my expectations and she knew it.

By the time my daughter was in H.S. she had several boys interested in her at different times. I just reinforced what I taught her years before. Enjoy the company, respect yourself and easy on the labels. The more you teach, the more you gain trust, the more they share.

Dating has different levels and degrees. Trust and believe all children do not have the same definition of dating so allow your children to guide you in their mindset by asking questions and being open.
Remember you were once that age too!!!

I am including two (2) links that touch on this matter. Let’s keep the conversation going?  What do you think? Share your experiences and comments, would love to hear.

http://www.cafemom.com/group/33200/forums/read/19042444/Is_13_too_young_for_dating
http://www.cafemom.com/group/advice/forums/read/18978391/Dating_Age